Emotional Eating

Today is the last day of January. I am amazed at how fast this first month of the year has gone. I am also amazed at the amount of education that I am allowing myself to gain this year. I have finally convinced myself that I am fully committed to not only changing the way I look...but also the way I feel and the way I see myself. Those are pretty big realizations for just a month. The true education though....came this weekend.

You know....sometimes what we know down deep inside and what we actually admit to ourselves are two different things. I am an expert in living in Lisaland where I am totally oblivious to reality and where I make up my own rules and my own truths as I go along. The fact is though....that hasn't exactly worked out in the best way for me up til now....Lisaland needed a good swift shot of reality, with a equally potent chaser of "wake up and quit hiding from yourself!" for good measure.

I have always down deep known that I was an emotional eater.....except when I wasn't(long story for a different time). When I allowed myself....every pain, heartache, death, sadness, frustration, etc....became a reason to eat. And forget reaching for the carrot sticks and fruit platter. Oh no! I wanted pasta, ice cream, chocolate, hamburgers. Anything rich, full of carbs and calories, and comforting. What I don't think I realized was how vindictive I was. Ninety percent of my emotions have to do with how others make me feel (mad, sad, frustrated) and when I dive into the Haag en Das....I eat with purpose....a vengeance almost. Rather than verbalizing my emotions.....I am eating them. Yeah...not a new concept for anyone who has ever dieted and understood why they needed to....but it is a new concept for me in the fact of how I do it. The more intense my negative feelings.....the more I eat to punish. Without thinking....I reach for the things that are the most health harming and the things that ultimately will end up making me feel the worst. For example....sugar is NOT my friend. I can eat small amounts and be okay....but if I eat more than a slice of something or a couple of pieces of candy.....I get excruciating headaches, I swell, and I feel like crap. It is close to the feeling of an alcohol bender....without any of the fun. So rather than striking out at the culprit of my discontent or at the very least getting to the bottom of it verbally.....I strike out at myself....by eating. In the end....I am not only still unhappy over the original issue....but I also find myself feeling both mentally and physically miserable over the food I consumed under the guise of "making myself feel better!"

This weekend a situation came up that was extremely frustrating and upsetting. Not the first one this month mind you, but it was one of those hitting your head against a wall with no results things that leave you feeling completely helpless and out of control. I won't lie....I was also very angry at the culprit, but knowing that if I said anything....the situation would only escalate into something it didn't need to be....I just decided to not say anything further. Apparently swallowing my words was neither filling nor comforting....so I reached for the Pringles and gummy bears. By mid day Sunday when my rings didn't fit and my head felt like someone had bashed it with a sledge hammer.....the realization of what I had done to myself became clear. The origination of my frustration felt no pain.....whereas I felt like I had been run over. The worst part was....I had done it to myself. Needless to say....I had also gone just a tad bit over my WW points for the day too. Truth be told....I probably went over my points for the month!!!! Rather than get more frustrated though and reach for more pain inducing foods..........I STOPPED! I really thought about what I had done, why I had done it, and WHO ended up getting punished for all of it. The realization was powerful and believe it or not.....I forgave myself fairly quickly. My next move was to start drinking lots of water to get the sugar out of my system.......and to put the weekend NOT out of mind, but rather to mark it down as part of my learning curve. The real kicker was having to go back and write down and account for every point consumed. Trust me it wasn't pretty....but it was eye opening.....and now I am prepared with my new found knowledge about myself...to move forward.

I am not saying that I will never find comfort in a bag of gummies again. After all...I am human and at times...a very emotional human at that. I am saying though....that with what I have learned, maybe I will start heading off my need to emotionally eat by actually going after the cause of my emotions rather than swallowing them and a pint of ice cream too. May I just say....my children should probably be afraid....very afraid!

On the upside....the scales showed a nice 1.5 loss at my last WW meeting. I have no illusions that I will lose all my weight in a month, nor do I think I will ever look like I did when I was in my 20's again. However, I have hope that when the weight comes off (and it will) that I will have the skills, the knowledge and the fortitude to keep it off for good. Will the scales reflect my weekend indiscretions? Most likely.....but what those indiscretions taught  was invaluable and I will take the gain on the scales....right along with the gain in knowledge knowing that next time....maybe I won't need the gummies!

No Donut Zone

Okay....so my human imperfections are showing through loud and clear. Today is WW day which means weigh in day. I don't go near a scale except for Thursdays at WW. I refuse to drive myself crazy with numbers all week long and one scale weighing me differently than another. Besides...there is a little excitement in the not knowing and the what if of once a week weighing. Anyway....even though I am not suppose to....I do not eat on Thursday until AFTER I weigh in. I thought this was a personal strategy.....a little secret that might give me a slight edge if you will. Then I started talking to other fellow WWers and found they do the same thing. There goes my edge. I should have known something was up when after a weigh in everyone present seems to go for some snack they have brought with them. Oh well.

Anyway....today was no different than any other Thursday. I already had myself psyched for no food today. It truly is a mental thing on my part. I have to consciously tell myself I am not hungry....and then keep myself so busy that I don't really have time to think about it. It usually works. Today though....it just had disaster written all over it. I should have known how this would all go down yesterday when my boss brought in a dozen glazed donuts for this morning. My co-worker is very young and about as big around as my pinkie. She has the metabolism of a puma and the appetite of a small third world country....so I really figured that the donuts life span might not exceed 8 p.m. last night. Because of this I wasn't horribly worried about morning temptation. That....and sugar in the morning just never really appeals to me. Then it happened.

Last night as I was leaving work....little pellets of ice began to hit my car. By the time I got home....my car had not heated up the windshield sufficiently and my windshield wipers were fighting a losing battle trying to keep the ice at bay. I couldn't help but wonder what tomorrow (now today) had in store for my morning commute. I found out at 5:30 a.m. when my phone rang...only to hear an automated message from the school telling me that there was no school today. Good luck with going back to sleep after that. I think the school does that maliciously knowing that not only will our kids be home unscheduled....but they will also be up and wide awake from 5:30 a.m. on. Grrrrrrr

So my day began at 5:30 a.m. and I was not hungry. Most likely I was still way too tired to even think of hunger. I apparently can only process one physical need at a time. Okay....the kids get to stay home....but guess who doesn't? You guessed it. ME! I now must figure out just how bad the roads actually are and how long it will take me to drive the 6 miles necessary to get to work. Looking out the window there was little snow....but solid sheets of road ice glistened in what was still moonlight. Great. My stress was increased as I saw a truck drive down my street not going more than a couple miles per hour and lose traction and then slide into not one but two curbs. I was so wanting to crawl back in bed. Still not hungry though.

I finally got everyone up, taken care of and I was dressed and ready to go to work. I walked out the door clutching my rosary, offering a novena, and wondering to myself if my life insurance was paid up. I was not looking forward to this drive. Honestly....my street was nothing but ice and the 18 degree temps were doing nothing to make the ice any less. Thankfully, careful driving and prayer got me to the end of my street without incident. Turning onto the next side street was not quite as successful as my back end obviously wanted to go in a different direction than my front. No one was around though, so I was eventually able to correct and move on. Once I hit the main roads.....everything was fine and it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. I was starting to get a little hungry.

Once at work....it was the normal early morning craziness which kept me busy and my mind on phone calls instead of donuts (which I might mention....Miss Thing had only barely touched....leaving the better part of a dozen there to tease and taunt me with their calorie rich goodness...DAMN!) Then I got the phone call that my youngest had a seizure. It wasn't a long seizure....but he decided to end it by throwing up....something he doesn't normally do. Those donuts were looking good! I called the dr. and after several back and forth calls with the nurse.....they changed his meds and the day proceeded on.

Still those donuts sat there and each time I walked by them.....I opened the box with my eyes. I was able to avert the situation though with the thought that my weigh in was just hours a way and I wanted to see more than a .6 loss this week. Bad Lisa....look away.

Finally.....I was caught up enough to actually look at my computer. First Facebook, then the obituaries (what????? just seeing if all my acquaintances are present and accounted for) and then my email. As I open it up......the first email I see is......WW Meeting Canceled! On reading further....because of the weather....we would not be having a meeting this week. Glory Be! I was half way through my first donut with sugary glaze flying in every direction before I realized that I had taken air when I saw that email and I had jumped from my chair to the donuts without even touching ground. I ate it so quickly I didn't even taste it. I was also a bit embarrassed when my boss questioned why I had donut glaze in my hair. Not my finest moment.

So kiddies.....what have we learned today? Lisa is obviously a stress eater! Lisa is human and even though she had this little embarrassing indiscretion (not so much because she ate a donut....but more in HOW she ate that donut) she still is staying within her points today. And we aren't going to really discuss the Taco Tico taco salad she snarfed at lunch. Darn them for canceling WW. Oh well.....next week will be better....and I am making my office.....a NO DONUT ZONE!

Accountability Sucks!

There are so many reasons why it would have been very easy not to count points today. After all....I woke up to a child throwing up...which really doesn't put one in a very hungry mood. However....mysteriously....when his puking stopped....my hunger returned. Then there was having to call the dr. to get him seen before I had to go to work and then when that was set in place....there was having to call the bus barn to see if they could pick up my youngest son early and finally....the resorting of my older sons day so that I could give him a ride on the way to his brothers dr. appt. The best part though...had to be calling the high school and telling them that my son would not be in today. I simply LOVE the attitude I am greeted with each and every time I have to make that call. It makes me so want to send him to school....sick or not.....with the instructions to walk in and puke on their desk.

But I digress....I was still hungry....even after managing all of that. Shouldn't this be a day where I could pull into a drive thru and order whatever greasy, artery clogging, butt increasing menu item that looks good? I could have done that. I could even feasibly have done that and stayed within my points for the day, but alas.....I would have felt like I had eaten a greasy, artery clogging, butt increasing menu item and that was really not what I needed for fuel to be able to pull off this day. So I was good. Breakfast was 1.5 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats and 1 c. 1% milk. It came to 8 points out of the 29 I am alotted for the day. I was good to go.

So my youngest got picked up early. Got my older of the three to work on time and got my middle one to the dr. Found out we are dealing with an ear infection, got anti-biotics and got him back home. I made it to work and hit the ground running. It was non-stop fun. The cereal was the ticket because I had the energy to do what needed to be done without the sluggish....I really wish I hadn't eaten that.....feeling. Before I turned around....it was lunch time and although not really hungry (believe it or not) I knew it was time to refuel. I am also dealing with a sore neck.....not that it has to do with one darn thing....just thought I would throw it in to the conversation.

Even though I was running crazy this morning....I did have the foresight to throw lunch in my bag. I threw in 2 slices of Sara Lee heart healthy bread, a triangle of Laughing Cow, and some mesquite thin sliced turkey breast. So at lunch time I made a sandwich and had a microwavable tomato soup. All of that with some ice tea made for a pretty decent meal....all for 7 points. I topped it off with a WW mini peanut butter bar for one point and I had an 8 point lunch.

Mid afternoon I had a snack of Green Giant frozen broccoli and cheese for 0 points and I am going into supper having used 16 points for the day leaving me with 13 points to still consume. In reality.....13 points is a lot for one meal....especially when I have already had two pretty decent sized meals and a snack. Yet....WW really stresses the need to use all your points in a day because factored into the points are healthy and necessary fats, protein, carbs and other vitamins and minerals which keep your body functioning properly and your health in check. So by cutting out points you are also cutting back on things you need for a healthy lifestyle.

Okay....so I have been somewhat accountable today. Sound boring? It really is.....but no one ever said accountability was exciting.....just necessary in my case. Truthfully....accountability sucks!  Sadly...it is a little late in the week for my new found accountability to show much on the scales...but I figure if I start today....maybe by my next meeting (Thursday) I will be in the proper groove to continue next week.

I promise I won't force you to deal with my points everyday for long. Only just until I have gotten to the point where "I" am dealing with my points....then you all will be off the hook.

So what will supper be tonight? I know since you all have had to trample down this daily points path through two meals with me today...you simply will not have closure until you know what I am having for supper. The answer is......I am not sure. It will either be a salad with lettuce, dried cranberries, turkey breast, and ranch (6 points) and some popcorn as a snack later (2) or maybe baked chicken, baked sweet potato, and a small salad (10) and popcorn as a snack (2). Either way.....I stay well within my points and go to bed well fed. And now....knowing this.....I am sure you will all sleep much better with this information.

So my day has slowed down. My sick child is on the mend and my tummy has not murmured one hunger growl all day. So what started out as chaos at it's finest has now become somewhat peaceful....at least for the minute....also I have been very accountable for all my points today.....and hopefully all that passed my lips.....did not stick directly to my hips...but of course....that remains to be seen!

Accountability

I simply love to tell people that I am a work in progress. One...it is simply a fact. Two.....it takes some of the pressure off of me to be perfect (as if that has ever truly been an issue) and finally.....it reminds people that we are all merely human....therefore flaws, missteps and large cheesecakes are going to be road blocks that cross our paths to and strain our progress in reaching our goals....whatever they may be.

I am a work in progress in all facets of my life but now my focus is on being the best healthy me that I can be. Weight Watchers (WW) is really making this much easier for me. I especially love the new plan and the new points system. The amount of points consumed daily has been increased but then again....so have the points on some foods. Other foods such as fruits and veggies have been decreased. Most to zero points. While some question the wisdom in ALL fruits being zero points, the thinking behind this change I believe....is to help individuals make better food choices and reach for something like an apple which is zero points and much more filling than say Oreo cookies which are 1 point per cookie and have empty calories as well as very little ability to fill you up.

I also like the fact that with WW no one says you can't eat something which you like. Nothing is off limits as long as you can make it fit within your daily points. In fact...if you really like carrot cake....then WW encourages you to eat a piece of carrot cake. Why? Because by allowing yourself that treat....you don't feel deprived therefore the chances of you later binging on an entire carrot cake are greatly reduced. Bottom line....it is the best of both worlds. You get to eat something you like and still stay on the path of your goals to weight loss and a healthier you.

All of this being said...my Thursday weigh in still did not have the numbers I was hoping for. I only had a loss of .6 which was really not much of a loss...no matter how you try to sugar coat it. I knew however that it would not be because plain and simple.....I did not stick with my points. Of course....I was praised for my .6, but in my head....I knew that I could do much better.

Since then, I have really tried to make better choices. My down fall is the fact that I calculate the points (to some degree) in my head....but I am not putting them down on paper. Thus...I am not keeping myself accountable. And accountability is really key in any kind of lifestyle change.

I also know that exercise is so important and I have really dropped the ball here. This is especially bad because like it or not.....exercise DOES make me feel better. It actually makes my body feel healthier and I really like the change I see in my body after I have stuck with a program for awhile. The pounds drop faster, but more than that....I sleep better, work better, and genuinely feel better. Right now though.....maybe because it is cold and I want to hibernate, or maybe because I am just plain lazy....but I just cannot get myself to exercise. That simply has to change....but again.....baby steps.

This week I have no idea what the scales will show. Hopefully there will be something more than a .6 loss, but who knows. I think my goal for next week will be accountability. I think I am going to force myself to account for every bite I take for one week. Maybe I will even post my daily count here (even more accountability) and then see what the numbers read. Perhaps if there is a noticeable difference in the loss....then maybe being accountable will be that much easier. That could even lead to more activity (i.e. exercise). But let us not get ahead of ourselves. I simply want to see more than a .6 loss this week. So I guess...the name of the game is....accountability!

Too Much Information About ME!!!!!!!

Wow....way too much time has gone by for you all not to hear about ME!!!! Well much to everyone's relief (I am sure) I am back with much.... probably too much information (thus the name of the blog) about me!

I heard somewhere (or maybe I am just making this up) that the first of January is the most optimistic time of year. Everything is new, everything looks bright and it seems that we shed ourselves of our less than stellar attitudes, actions and acquaintances of the past year and prepare to move on to the new improved us. The most depressive time of year is the 15th of January (again possibly made up....but go with it)....because this is when we realize that the only thing that has really changed is the date on the calendar. Everything else has pretty much remained the same with the possible exception that we are now starting to get the credit card statements from the holidays....so we are further in debt than when the old year ended.

Why these harsh mid month realizations???? Because somewhere in the back of our minds we have the deluded belief that things are just going to magically change because the calendar flips to a new year. We seem to forget that you get what you give and if you are just sitting back waiting for "the change" well.....if it hasn't worked in the last 2.5 years....what makes you think it is going to start now?

But I digress......so between the first and the 15th we suddenly realize that our bank accounts have NOT grown, our waistlines HAVE. Our kids are not suddenly angels, our job did not suddenly become a Fortune 500 company with benefits out the wazoo, we are not younger or better looking.....and it is winter. Or maybe that is all just me. At any rate, change did not just suddenly happen with no effort on my part.

My mid January crisis seems to have come early this year. It started with my children showing me that regardless of how much I wanted to believe differently....the only halo's that adorned their heads were the ones held up by their pre-existing horns. Yesterday was realization two, that little had changed with the changing of the year. I went to Weight Watchers  (YES.....you will be hearing literally TONS about WW in the future) and don't you know....I gained 4.6 lbs.! I laugh at the 4.6 lbs because when my WW leader weighed me....she and I both knew that if I even sucked in air that the scales would round off to a nice even 5, but the fact that I refused to breath was the only thing that got me her positive, "Well you didn't gain 5lbs!" compliment. All I could think was......Really????

Now I blame no one for the indiscretions of the past two weeks......except for maybe RD's for making those wonderful habit forming hamburgers, or possibly that Cheesecake Bit....errr....I mean Chick....who leaves those stinking cheesecakes around the house, or the cinnamon roll fairy who magically put fresh baked warm cinnamon rolls in my oven, oh and let us not forget Taco Bell, Sonic, and McDonald's. But other than that....I take full responsibility for my actions. Okay....as much as I would like to say my weight gain was a group effort....the fact is the only real exercise I got over Christmas break was lifting food to my face and then chewing! Telling myself that a Hot Rod Burger is zero points.....obviously caught up with me.

The positive in all this muddle of mid January blah is that I started my healthy lifestyle change back in May. My weight was at an all time high and I felt like ten kinds of doo doo. I started in the gym and began by working out 30 min. a day and gradually increased from there. All my numbers dropped including scale, waist size, blood pressure and cholesterol.  I did well until school started and then everyone elses schedules and my work out schedules didn't mesh. Excuse? Maybe.....but I was not finding enough hours in the day. At that point I had lost 15 lbs and was not willing to let go of my progress, so I started WW. It was the first time my little town (Mulvane) had a group and I jumped at the chance to join. Since Sept. I have played with another 5-10 lb loss (5 right now) and this is without working the program like I should. Yesterday showed me though....that even though I gained, it was not a shock. I was aware of my body, what I had been putting into it, how I was feeling, how my clothes were fitting and my attitude. And best of all....being that in tune and knowing what I was facing on the scales.....I still was willing to go back. And not only go back....but next week starts a new session and I am resigning up (anyone want to sign up with me?). This tells me that I might just be willing to put in the work this time, because that 25 lbs loss felt pretty good and the 20 still feels good too. Guess this means that RD's and I will not be seeing each other for awhile. I do hope that RD's can go on without me!

Well....now I get to face my bills. I KNOW nothing has changed there. I still make squat and everyone in the country wants their share of nothing. Luckily....that is what some will get this month.....NOTHING! Should be fun for all of us. That's okay....the kids have been rotten....they don't need tv anyway, or the internet, or phone service....and I am debating about electricity and water. Food though.......food we will have. lol

So folks......it comes down to this.....there is little I can do about winter and nothing I can do about 2010, but I can maybe make some things change in 2011 with a little bit of effort, a little bit of restraint and a whole lot of humor. Wish me luck....cause you KNOW.....I will keep you posted!