I have been about to burst at the seams recently with frustration both at myself and those that reside in my world. I feel like I have so much to say, but then when it comes right down to it....I have difficulty finding the words. Yes...me! I am having difficulty with words. How many of you fainted dead on the floor over that one?
A friend/reader of mine who has been keeping up with all my blogs coined this my b!tch blog. She said....this is where you let it all hang out. The good, the bad, and the really ugly! Well today I may live up to that description as I feel really ugly!
As you all know I have been working very hard to not only change my life but throw a little health and weight loss into the mix too. Some days....I do okay. In fact there are times when I feel as if I am making giant leaps forward. BUT then something happens and I feel as if I have lost every ounce of ground I thought I had gained. It is so frustrating and I feel as if I let myself down with a huge thud.
I find it amazing that one day I can wake up and feel on top of the world and the next feel as if I would have to reach up to meet the curb. It is all perception and how I allow myself to feel...and more importantly....how I allow others to make me feel. Then when the little things like gray hair and sore knees start creeping in....I seriously consider just throwing in the towel and looking for a nice comfortable place to hide from the world with my good friends sugar and pretty much anything fried.
I think I have mentioned before that there are certain people in my family who seem to delight in trying to turn me inside out. I try to avoid these people as much as possible.....but since they are family, it is not always that easy. And I know many of you think....family or not....kick 'em to the curb and call it good! In theory that sounds like a vacation of epic proportions in my world, but in reality...it doesn't even come close to being a possibility. There are so many things tied into this dynamic....not the least of which is my house, that I have to walk a pretty narrow tight rope with these people. However....what I don't have to do is let their words affect me as they do. But for some reason I seem to be allowing them to cut deep and leave a mark!
An example of the craziness that I allow to wound me and therefore stop all progress dead in its tracks happened the other day. I happened to be at a certain family members house and actually....I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then it happened! The words...."I thought you were trying to lose weight! What the hell happened to your diet?" came out of his mouth and apparently struck a major nerve. At the time I thought I handled it well, but once back in my own little comfort zone....a piece of me ended up battered and bruised. Bruised to the point that I tried to recover with food. Sweet....salty....fried....I didn't care. I was oozing what was left of my self-esteem and I wanted to fill the void with food.
After the binge...and yes, there was a bit of a binge....I tried to figure the whole situation out. The conclusion I came to was....for some reason this individual and maybe the whole dang lot of them feel threatened when I feel good. It is a weird concept to me as you would think family would support your efforts for improvement in life and health, but apparently....mine see it differently. Mine see it as something to fear or at the very least ridicule. And I fall into their trap every time and allow myself to feel like cr@p over things I have no reason to feel like cr@p over.
I will give myself props for the fact that even though my self-esteem was draggin' tail....I did continue to hit the gym regularly as time allowed last week. The weekend was not quite as actively productive, but I was back at it again today trying to work through my issues and the burger and chips I consumed over the weekend. And in fact, the weekend was somewhat cathartic for me. Saturday I worked on my house, but Sunday....other than going to church, I did absolutely nothing......except think. And of course you always think better with snacks so....I think you know where I am going with this.
At any rate....I came to some conclusions. I don't give a rats patootee what anyone else on the planet thinks about me or what they say to or about me. It is in most cases, like water off a ducks back. So WHY do I let these people affect me so? Especially when I have pretty much come to the conclusion that their words come from a place of self-dissatisfaction and jealousy. Why do their words hold so much more power than anyone elses on the planet? Because of course....they are family and they should be cheering me on instead of ridiculing me. Bottom line though......they never have and they never will and the definition of insanity (as we all know) is doing something over and over again...expecting different results. So I am insane to believe that they are ever going to change. If they don't...then I must....or else I have a whole lot of years of self-esteem crippling binges ahead of me. How I am going to change my reactions to them is still a bit of a stumper as obviously they hold a power over me I have to break. I am just not sure how to do that and keep everything else is my world in tact. This will take a bit more thinking. Perhaps next time though.....carrot and celery sticks will be my thinkin' food.
Another conclusion I have come to concerns my knee pain. I did quite a bit of reading on this and I think a lot of my problem is trying to do too much too fast. When I was slowly but steadily increasing my workouts.....my knees were fine. However....when I jumped ahead and started trying to run and kicked myself up to an hour on the elliptical....that is when the pain was really starting to get to me. After resting this weekend though, the knees felt fine and I tried this morning to change up my workout in a way that kept me working out for an hour....but not steadily on the elliptical. I will get back there again....but slowly....not all at once.
Finally...I have said it before.....it is amazing how deep in denial we can be. I obviously have burrowed myself in to the point that it takes a photo to bring me back to reality. I have never really liked having my picture taken.....even at my thinnest. But now I can look back and appreciate those pictures for what they were.....a true expression of how I looked. The other day....I saw a current picture of myself. It was a gut shot to my ego....my self-esteem and to the effort I feel that I have been putting in to all of this. When I saw this picture.....I didn't see someone who has lost weight....I saw someone who still desperately needs to lose weight. The picture I had of myself in my minds eye (denial) and the stark reality of the photo....were worlds apart. It actually made me want to sit down and cry. How sad is that?
Once I got off the pity pot though and did some straight talking to myself....I did feel some better. First of all...if I look like that now....how must I have looked 3 months ago? Six months ago? A year ago? This is actually improvement. And I know my clothes are getting looser and my face is getting some thinner....but the truth is.....I still have a long way to go and hiding from it or pretending that things are not as they are, is not going to help me get there. It is time I get real with myself and pull myself out of the puddle of denial that I am in. Only then, can I move forward and accomplish my goals. After all of this....was it any wonder I was too mentally and physically exhausted to even change the channel on the remote?
Okay....so you maybe wondering....why do I feel the need to share all of this? I have said it before and I will say it again...I am not the only one out there with issues. Family issues! Health issues! Lifestyle issues! Weight issues! Most of us have some sort of issue or another that holds us back, makes us feel less about ourselves, or keeps us from being who we really want to be. Sometimes just knowing that someone else out there is battling similar demons makes it easier for us to grab a hold and make the changes we need to. The Biggest Loser does this for me....and maybe I can pay it forward and do it for someone else. And I am not going to lie.....it helps me tremendously to just get it out there and basically purge myself of the negativity and unhealthy feelings I seem to like to hold inside. After all....if I have learned nothing else....I have learned that....negativity can make you fat!