Monday, September 9, 2013

Baby Steps

Yep....another very long stretch of denial. I am not publicly (i.e. fb) posting this right now. If you follow me and read this....great. Other than that though, it is the start of yet another journey...this time somewhat privately. I have had my ups and downs with nutrition, exercise, weight loss and health since last I posted. Nutrition I would give myself a "B" on...up until these last couple of weeks. Then there is nothing lower than an "F-" so I guess there will be no grade. Exercise was a "B" but of late is closer to an "F-". Weight loss was a good strong "C" but now it also is an "F-" and health well I am not giving it a grade. My blood work says a good "B+", but a recent MRI and CT say I might be closer to a "D".

Yes, I have yo-yoed on everything and have yet to get to the point where I am really serious about all the above. Two weeks ago I was told that I have two tiny spots on my lung. It put me into an emotional tail spin of epic proportions. I planted my ass on the couch with a cheeseburger and except to go to church, the doctor or bed....I pretty much stayed there. Why my cholesterol wasn't also a number of epic proportions is beyond me.

Maybe I needed the melt down. Maybe that was my rock bottom or close to it. Since the initial finding, I have had both doctors and radiologist say that they are not overly concerned about the spots. However, today I am going to a thoracic specialist to get his opinion. Not sure what I am feeling right now. On the 25th I am also going to an endocrinologist as they also found that I have an enlarged thyroid. Part of me is angry with my mother for all of her years of smoking around me and her really bad genes. Another part of me though is really mad at myself for letting myself go and not caring more about my health, my body, my future and my kids.

Getting a better handle on my spiritual side has given me a bit of introspection as well. I know when I am overwhelmed I just stand in place and stop. In certain ways I have been overwhelmed for thirteen years. I also know this is not the answer and when I break it down for myself it is much easier to deal and go on. This weekend I realized that I can't change the past. Not the last thirteen years, the last month, week or even the last second. All I can do is move forward and sitting on the couch with a burger in hand is not moving forward.

All my inactivity of late and bad eating has A) made me feel like crap and B) made me spend too much time thinking about myself thus thinking I feel worse than I really actually do...I think. The mind is a powerful tool and if left can take you into some really dark places.

I have decided that regardless of what the spots turn out to be (and God help me I hope they are nothing....the same goes for the thyroid) I need to be the best me I can be. My kids deserve that and most of all...I deserve that. I am tired of being on the spin cycle of wanting, trying, giving up and falling back....over and over again. I am ready to take this a second at a time if necessary and for once make a positive change.

In all honesty I am ashamed of myself and I was really ashamed when I stepped on the doctors scales the other day and saw 189 glaring me back in the face. I am only 5'1" for pete's sake. WTH?????? I gained 15lbs from June to now. Sigh!!!! Most of it was probably gained in the last couple of weeks.

I know the hard stuff is never easy but it is oh so worth it. I intend to be around for many, many years to come. That's right will be putting up with me for decades. But I don't intend to be over weight and to willfully put my health at risk because I put cheeseburgers and laziness above all else. This will not happen overnight and there will likely be setbacks.....but anything is doable if you want it badly enough.

A little peace of mind would be amazing at this point and I may end up with some today. Whatever the case though, all the things in my health universe that I "can" control......I must. The rest I will leave to God.

Today I walked for half an hour (starting slow) and I am drinking my water (lots of it) and eating five small meals. There will be no couch lounging and I will do my best to stay positive. It is a start.....on my way to baby steps.

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