Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The Plan

So I met with the thoracic surgeon yesterday. I knew I would likely know nothing more than I already did but I was hoping for some peace of mind. Basically what I got was this: if it is cancer....it's not good because there are two spots. Damn! However, my blood work along with everything else about me health wise does not indicate cancer. He highly doubts they are cancerous BUT unless he has them biopsied they won't know anything for sure.

That leads to....they could try and biopsy them now, but as small as they are.....likely they would get a false reading back. Even a PET scan would not be conclusive. So he left it at, if I were his wife....he would say the best course of action is to wait three months, have another CT and see what they look like at that time. Crap! God sure knows how to teach patience! Now to see the endocrinologist on the 25th.

My mind is a horrible place to be right now. Since finding out that I had these spots, my chest hurts, my neck hurts and I feel like crap. Mind you....none of these was remotely true before I got the initial call. Reality tells me that my chest hurts because I am vacationing in anxiety land. My neck hurts for two reasons....one it's all in my head and two I sleep horribly at night and my neck has hurt because of this for years. I feel like crap because I have laid on the couch, felt sorry for myself and tried to eat myself into a grease filled coma. DUH!

Yesterday after going to see the doctor, I was not in the happy place mentally that I had hoped to be, so chips and dip were my friend. Yes, I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't care. Luckily I quit when I started feeling queasy knowing that I was band-aiding one bad issue with another. I then turned to salad and felt a little better.

Last night was not one of my better nights. Although I went to bed at a decent hour, I awoke every hour or so with mosquito bites that not only itched, but hurt. Finally about 4 a.m. it dawned on my to take Benadryl and I found some Benadryl cream. This gave me at least a couple hours of relief and sleep.....and a nice little Benadryl hangover. 

Today I am back. I am mentally pulling down all that I can actually control and putting the rest aside. Oh and there is a lot of prayer. I did walk again today, I have upped my water intake thirty fold and it is my hope that I can keep my hands out of the chip bag and accomplish a few things today. Quite honestly as I began my walk, I wanted to quit. Mentally I was searching for a reason to just turn around and go home. Luckily I am just slightly more plucky than to quit so I started thinking about blogs to write and continued on. I am not walking the five miles that I used to, but I did walk a good 30 minutes and plan on adding to that daily when possible.

A lot can happen in three months. Right now as far as I know I have a couple of tiny freckles on my lung but other than that I have decent blood pressure, good cholesterol numbers and my thyroid should be heading in the right direction. There is no reason to expect the worst. It is however a good time to start focusing on the positive mentally, physically and spiritually and that is just what I plan to do.

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