Days 9 and 10
Yesterday was preparation day for the new week. The last few weeks have been so out of sorts and out of my grasp. Wait! Nope! That was an excuse! The last few weeks have been a complete shut down on my part. I have done only what I absolutely had to and the rest of the time I have hid inside myself in a great big puddle of denial. It hasn't been pretty. Denial puddles never are.
Today though, I start showing not my kids, my family, friends or even my readers what I am made of. But today I show ME what I am made of. It sounds almost like I should come out of my denial puddle wearing a Lycra body suit complete with a cape able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. The reality though will be jeans, a t-shirt and possibly I will even manage to step over some piles of laundry on my way to the washing machine. I am not as concerned with the physical action today as I am with the mental.
I was thinking yesterday as I was seeing Christmas commercials on tv, that we are about to go into the Christmas season. As a child this was always a magical time of year for me as my religious faith and also my childhood imagination of Santa, reindeer and gifts....all seemed to roll into one exciting time where anything was possible if you really wanted it. Granted it was a childish view of the season but it was also amazing! I miss that kind of amazing where there are no limits and anything is possible if you just believe hard enough. So this year.....I decided to take that part of me back. The childlike, anything is possible, amazing part of me.
I have talked about it before and a friend said it the other day too.....I have spent too many years waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have forgotten that before shoes started falling in my life there was excitement, joy, expectation and a whole lot of amazing. I want those things again. I want to see the first snow and be as excited as the kids about a snow day. I want to hear Christmas carols and sing along. I want to see a manger scene and tear up remembering the Reason for the Season. I want to look on in awe at the brightly colored decorations and share all the crazy and chaotic moments leading up to Christmas day with my family and friends. Most of all I want to dream again and feel that even if the shoes do drop......they will only fall one at a time and be nothing that I can't handle.
I am tired of living in fear and holding myself back. I am ready to move ahead. The last few years have been exhausting and I am tired of being frozen in time. Today I move forward. Maybe my cape is just a t-shirt and goodness knows Lycra ain't touching this body, but even if I just leap one laundry pile with the knowledge that I am no longer standing still.....then today will be a very good day indeed!