Well I am still plugging along and one week into a new challenge. I lost .2 lbs this week and even with such a small loss, I am celebrating. Why? Because it's a loss but more than that, it is helping me to keep a weekly count of my weight loss without being consumed by the numbers. There was actually a point in my life that such a small loss would have sent me into a depression. Yeah....the glass is half empty scenario and it would have been the green light for me to give up and give in. Not anymore. I have learned that a loss is a loss and quite honestly, I don't even need a loss to be motivated to keep going.
Someone ask me the other day if after I lose all the weight I need to, if I thought I would be able to keep it off. Ouch! Yet a very valid question as many who lose large amounts of weight are not able to maintain the loss and end up putting some, all or even more back on within a two year period of time. My answer was an unequivocal YES! Why am I so sure? Because THM is not only changing how I look but it is also changing how I view myself, food and the world.
I know I speak often of NSV's (non-scale victories) but quite frankly, I view each NSV as a small wonderful little miracle in my life. The fact that numbers don't rule my world or how I view myself anymore, that I can eat healthy and still be full and satisfied and the fact that I have been doing this for 10 weeks now and I haven't gone off plan once.....those are all miracles.
Ten weeks ago, I was truly convinced that I would never be able to lose weight. I was sure that I would have to spend the rest of my life being unhealthy, uncomfortable in my own skin and tired and miserable. I was cheating myself and my family because I "couldn't" lose weight and I viewed myself as not only a failure at weight loss, but also a failure at life. There was very little I liked about myself and I was down right miserable. Now.....I barely remember that person. I used to hate getting out of bed of a morning, but now I am up early and I stay busy all day long. My days are full of accomplishments and I am taking pride in who I am as a person. I have energy and an excitement for each new day that I didn't have before. It truly is amazing.
Another huge change is how I view my body. Oh, I still have a long way to go but I am learning to be much more forgiving of the imperfections that are my body. Before, I never looked in the mirror and if I did, it was from the neck up. I refused to stand in front of a full length mirror and if I had to, it always left me in tears. Now, I make myself look and when I do, I am so much happier with what I see. Also, since there is starting to be less of me, I noticed an old familiar panic take over about a week ago.
When I was young, I had an eating disorder and I teetered on the edge of anorexia while swallowing laxatives and diet pills. When I was very thin, that "looked" right to me, but it was so depressing because the way I achieved it was through almost starving myself to death. I would feel my bones protruding and feel depressed because I knew the only way I could keep them that way was to never eat. I was hungry and miserable and the weight loss was unsustainable. The other day as I saw collar bones starting to peak through, for a brief moment, my brain went back to a very unhealthy thought process. I started wondering how I could take the weight off faster. Maybe I could just eat smoothies for a week. Or maybe......I could skip a meal and a snack everyday. I felt my heart sink and my stomach knot. Then I realized that this was old, unhealthy thinking that would undo everything I had achieved these last 10 weeks. The truth is, I have had more success and happiness eating these last weeks than I have ever had with food in my entire life. Why in the world would I allow old, unsuccessful bad habits to creep in and derail what I have worked so hard for? Of course I wouldn't, but it was something I had to really think about, process and get through. Another amazing miracle.
So the weight is coming off. It will stay off, because my life has changed so radically in such a short time. While I enjoy food and still like to eat very much, food is no longer my crutch. I no longer use it to self medicate and when I eat, I can truly enjoy it because I know that not only am I filling my stomach but I am doing it in a healthy way that leaves no room for remorse or guilt.
Miracles happen all around us everyday and they are not just confined to the big, over the top things. Miracles can also be as small as finding happiness in being able to bend over and paint your own toe nails or being able to walk five miles without needing oxygen and an EMS team. The biggest THM miracle for me though has been that I have found a whole new strength in myself and I am learning to really like the person I am becoming. Now that folks....is a miracle!