Sunday, October 9, 2016

The Me I am Suppose to Be

No....I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. the last month or so, I have proven that I am human though, and fallen off the Trim Healthy Mama (THM) wagon which to some of you, may make my journey a bit more relatable.

The moment school started, or maybe even a bit before for me began to change. As anyone who attempts a lifestyle change knows.....added change above and beyond the lifestyle change itself, can be difficult and even derailing at times.

For me, July 2nd, through Sept. 28th, is always a hard time of year for me. It started in Sept. of 2000 when my son was born 13 weeks prematurely and he as well as our entire family began a years long roller coaster ride with him, first with months in the NICU and then years of dealing with his many diagnosis which include but are not limited to cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and a seizure disorder. Then in July of 2001, I came home to find my husband had died from an undetected brain aneurysm. In August it is our wedding anniversary and Sept. is his birthday. So those months in the best of times, have their trials for me.

This year though, there was added stress with one of my sons and his daughter moving home, some added projects I gave myself and just some things I was going through personally trying to acclimate myself to weight loss and keeping myself emotionally built up, so I would not stall out and back slide and so I would continue to lose.

You know, I like to think of myself as a strong woman who is tough as nails and that what people say about me or think about me has no real affect on me. The truth is though, I am human and sometimes my force field is not nearly as strong as I think it is and BOOM....I am wounded and all my hard work feels like it is for nothing.

I have a great family. I love my kids dearly and I do try and be "Mom of the Year," more than I should....especially since all but one of my kids is grown. That being said, they are young people caught up in their own world and they have no understanding of how important it is to me to hit my goals and maintain this lifestyle change for the long haul. At first, they were fairly supportive eating with me and giving me the ol' "great job Mom," comments along the way. Then they just stopped. THEN....I started hearing rumblings about the THM food I was making. They wanted, junk food, sugar, soda and all the things that I had fought to break away from. Finally it got to the point where they started getting snide about food, about my weight loss and even about me.Add to that, one of my sons constantly commenting on my food intake and asking me...."is that on your diet," and I began realizing that I was losing myself again in their negativity and judgement. ENOUGH was ENOUGH!

 Truthfully, for about the last 6 weeks, I have been eating the THM way about 50-60 percent of the time and while I haven't put a huge amount of weight back on, this morning when I stepped on the scales, it was significant enough to give me a wake up call. My body has been giving me aches and pains that it wasn't before and I feel sluggish and unenergetic. To say that I am not happy with myself right now is an understatement.

Little fun fact, if you aren't actively participating in the THM facebook pages, they quit showing up in your news feed as much. In the last few weeks, I have barely seen a THM post, but just like back in May when I first decided to change my life, the THM Challenge page miraculously showed up on Oct. 7th (and I say miraculously because I hadn't seen a Challenge posts in a couple of weeks). It happened to be a post about a new challenge that runs Oct. 7th through Nov. 4th. I knew that once again, I was being guided to get busy and get back on it and not for anyone but me!

This week may prove challenging as it is my birthday week, but I decided that the best gift I can give myself is taking care of me and getting back to feeling healthy and happy. I refuse to allow anyone including my children to dictate how I live my life or to allow anyone's negativity to affect what I know will ultimately make me the best me I can be.

So yes, I am human and yes, I stumbled and fell back a few steps. However, this is not the end of my journey. It is merely a speed bump and it was put in my path for a reason. In these last few weeks I have learned a great deal about myself, my family and how much I want this. Perhaps it was a gift given to me so that I can now push harder, become stronger and ultimately......find the me I am suppose to be.