Saturday, March 19, 2011

Cliffhangers and Introspection

Sometimes things are just funny. Today I was out running my errands when I ran into someone who I don't even have as a friend on fb and had no idea that she read my blog(s). She said...."Well?" I know I gave her a strange look, because I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I said..."Ummm....well what?" She started laughing and said...."Well...did you lose any weight this week. You just sort of left us hanging on your blog?" I started laughing. I told her to read later today and she would find out. Apparently I left you all with a cliff hanger. Well lets fix this before anyone falls off the edge.

Did I lose weight this week? The answer! I actually gained .2 lbs. I wasn't upset though because I knew the culprit. It was the sugar in the cheesecake the night before. Sugar often acts in my body just like salt does. It can cause me to retain water and swell. The minute I got up Thursday morning I could feel the swelling. My rings didn't fit and even while I was working hands felt tight. I drank water....but it was too little too late. Thus that .2 gain. I knew though that I had been good all week points wise....just not enough exercise. This week there will be no cheesecake and I am going to workout a lot more. Unfortunately since this up coming week is spring break....we will not be having a WW meeting. I have decided to break my scale rule and weigh here at the house on Thursday. My scale is just right on track with the WW one so I should be good. I NEED to stay accountable and going two weeks without weighing is not accountable enough for me. So there you have it more cliff hanger.

You know...I found out something interesting about myself today. Well first.....I worked out hard yesterday and I knew I needed to go and at least do cardio today, but there was a part of me that was looking for excuses not to. I knew however, that not going was NOT an option. I am really starting to be serious about these much needed changes in my life and I want to see the scales start taking a dramatic nose dive. So I went. While I was there my mind started stressing. I could feel it. There I was with no real time constraints and my mind started rushing thinking of all that I should be doing, which immediately translated into....I have got to hurry. I need to make this workout as short as possible! I started feeling extremely stressed and anxious. Then all of a sudden, it was as if I finally got it! My kids have been on me forever about slowing down and not stressing over the weirdest things. When I get into these modes....then there is a trickle down that affects them directly....Z in particular. When my mind starts racing, I will start barking out orders...Did you feed the dogs? Did you talk to your teacher? Clean your bathroom! Check on David! Vacuum your room! This all looks overwhelming on paper....imagine how it feels to have all that coming at you at 15.

I never really paid attention to that feeling before.....until today. I had to stop myself and ask myself just exactly what was so important that I had to cut my workout short. And the answer was.....absolutely nothing! There was nothing in my day that had to be done or even really needed to be done. In fact, if I had wanted to just turn around and go home and do absolutely nothing the rest of the day.....except for changing David occasionally and making sure everyone ate.....I was good! The realization of what was fact and what was just nonsense my brain was taunting me with.....immediately calmed me down. I could literally feel myself relax and I did my entire workout without another anxious thought.

What did I learn from all of this? I am stressing myself out! I am doing this to me. Not the kids (well....they do sometimes) but I am the culprit of a good majority of my own stress. I am also stressing Z out which in turn causes him to stress me out further. It is a viscous cycle with a story in which I don't come out looking very good in the end. I would really like to be able to blame all of this on someone else...but the facts don't lie.

The realization of what I am doing to myself and those around me is quite eye-opening. I think I am  in need of some form of relaxation therapy or at the very least....some new coping skills. I'm thinking perhaps a good yoga class might help. You know.....I just can't help but wonder how I went from being someone who when I was younger never let anything bother me to the raging anxiety nazi I am today? I never used to stress about anything and I never stressed whether anybody else did anything either. Some might call that laid back....but the truth is I was just lazy. Now though, that I don't have the luxury of being laid back or as if my mind is in a constant state of overload. Who is this stressed out....anxiety ridden....basket case who has inhabited my body....and how can I get her to leave? How can I find a happy medium between the me of yesteryear and the me of today? Arrrrrgggghhhh!

I am thinking I will be looking into yoga!

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