Since then though, I just don't feel pretty. And of course there are times when I don't even feel mediocre, such as when my gray roots are showing, my hang nails are sore and bleeding (yes, I have been known to bite my cuticles....don't judge me), or when I have not had the opportunity to put on even eyeliner. Those days make me avoid mirrors altogether. The rest though, well as I said.....I just don't feel pretty! I WANT to feel pretty again!!! Sadly this sounds like I get my self esteem from others....and maybe there is a grain of truth in that, but mostly I think it is that I miss having someone around who tells me I am beautiful.....and actually means it.
The funny thing is, that through out my dating life BT (before Tim) I dated a few guys and several seriously. However I don't ever remember any of them telling me I was beautiful. I just kind of assumed they liked the way I looked....or they wouldn't have been with me. But unless my mind is all but gone....I really don't think any of them ever told me "I think you are beautiful.". Hmmmm. I know...I know! I am sounding more narcissistic than usual (if that is possible) but I really don't mean to. I just want to feel pretty again!
I have to say that when I finish a workout....I wouldn't say that I exactly feel pretty (after all....sweat is not really sexy) but I do feel good. Maybe empowered! But that is not pretty. Perhaps though it is a step to pretty. Some would say that maybe the reason I don't feel pretty on the outside is because I am not all that pretty on the inside. Well I say....SHUT UP! I know looks aren't everything. In fact in most cases....they aren't much. But still....I can't help it....I want to feel pretty!