Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Pretty....Or Pretty Shallow

As I was getting ready this morning...I realized that I really didn't feel pretty anymore.  In fact...upon thinking about it, it came to me that I haven't really felt pretty since Tim died. I mean I have felt adequate, mediocre, and from time to time maybe a little attractive, but I have not felt honest to goodness pretty since the morning Tim left this earth. But he did not go before telling me that I looked beautiful. He always told me I looked beautiful. He told me I looked beautiful when I was in full dress ready to go out (which wasn't all that often) right down to when I crawled out of bed; hair uncombed and teeth unbrushed. The thing was, he really thought I was beautiful and even more importantly (to me anyway) was when I looked in his eyes....I honestly saw how beautiful he thought I was. Seeing yourself through someone elses eyes is amazing. I guess that is part of that whole "love" thing.

Since then though, I just don't feel pretty. And of course there are times when I don't even feel mediocre, such as when my gray roots are showing, my hang nails are sore and bleeding (yes, I have been known to bite my cuticles....don't judge me), or when I have not had the opportunity to put on even eyeliner. Those days make me avoid mirrors altogether. The rest though, well as I said.....I just don't feel pretty!  I WANT to feel pretty again!!! Sadly this sounds like I get my self esteem from others....and maybe there is a grain of truth in that, but mostly I think it is that I miss having someone around who tells me I am beautiful.....and actually means it.

The funny thing is, that through out my dating life BT (before Tim) I dated a few guys and several seriously. However I don't ever remember any of them telling me I was beautiful. I just kind of assumed they liked the way I looked....or they wouldn't have been with me. But unless my mind is all but gone....I really don't think any of them ever told me "I think you are beautiful.". Hmmmm. I know...I know! I am sounding more narcissistic than usual (if that is possible) but I really don't mean to. I just want to feel pretty again!

At my age, the opportunities to feel pretty are dwindling. Between crows feet, laugh lines, gray hair and body parts drifting south at an alarming rate.....the mirror can only lie so much. Denial no longer appears to be my friend either. So I guess it is time to face it. I will never look like I did when I was 20ish again...and honestly I don't think I would want to. No really....honestly I don't! What I am looking for is to look like me....only a version of me that makes me feel pretty.

I have to say that when I finish a workout....I wouldn't say that I exactly feel pretty (after all....sweat is not really sexy) but I do feel good. Maybe empowered! But that is not pretty. Perhaps though it is a step to pretty. Some would say that maybe the reason I don't feel pretty on the outside is because I am not all that pretty on the inside. Well I say....SHUT UP! I know looks aren't everything. In fact in most cases....they aren't much. But still....I can't help it....I want to feel pretty!

I don't know about anyone else...but I am sensing a theme here that might possibly be developing into just the tiniest  of  obsessions about this. Maybe it is because I just feel meh today. Even putting on heels didn't help....and they are some rockin' heels if I do say so myself. I am thinking however, that I do know what the problem here is. The problem is....I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY! Yeah....I am just that shallow!


  1. Well half the time, I dont feel pretty either. Shit all the time!

  2. Wow. Tears here. My Peter is just like your Tim and you just reminded me how thankful I am for him. I am so sad for you that he is gone. Thanks for posting this. What was that about us being twins?