First I must do a quick catch up....closely followed by a happy dance that I invite you all to join me in. Okay....so here goes. I have lost more weight (even with the appetite coming back) and you can't imagine how nice it is to see those numbers getting smaller. Granted....it is not coming off like it would if say I was giving it 100% everyday.....but the 60-75% that I have been giving it is obviously working much better than the 20-30% I have given it in the past. Yes....I am still a work in progress.
The truth is that about a week and a half ago I happened to glimpse myself in the mirror and I actually realized that I was missing some chins. Laugh if you will but the fact is....I actually saw a thinner face staring back at me. However....I have a very unhealthy mind and like anyone who has ever grappled with eating disorder issues along with self esteem issues.....the image looking back at you from your mirror can get very distorted. Within 24 hours of my thinner face triumph...I looked again to see my face multiplying chins once again. Intellectually I knew that was my own self esteem working against me and that my face was not actually fatter, but when your mirror image does this to you.....it can cause some major set backs if you allow it. Along with my bathroom mirror playing tricks on me.....it also seemed that my bedroom mirror which is more of a full length horror show.....also started gnawing away at any positive illusions that I might have about my body. Each time I looked in it for some sign that my bumps and lumps were smoothing out and that the loss I was seeing on the scales was being translated into my mirror......my hopes were shot down. What stared back was unattractive and very disappointing. Sigh! At this point it would have been very easy to reach for comfort in the form of sugar wrapped in sugar topped with sugar....and not too long ago, that is exactly what would have happened. Not this time though!
Perhaps it is the fact that I have learned my mental processes so well or maybe the fact that I am actually serious this time about making changes, but rather than derail myself I decided to reason with myself. Yeah....I know, it sounds hokey but sometimes you have to talk things through in your own head to see the reality. During my self convo I realized a couple of things. First of all....I haven't had a full length mirror for years. The one I have now is fairly new. Then there is the fact that I have become a master at seeing only parts of myself in the mirror, so even with the new mirror....I seldom actually see the real picture. The real picture has been for quite sometime that I am an overweight woman and it does not translate to attractive when you are looking with a critical eye. However....the fact is, I have not really looked at myself in a long time so in fairness....the current image is likely much better than say I even looked a couple of months ago, but how would I really know that as I have not really seen myself through honest eyes in a long time? Realizing all of this.....I decided to go with the facts instead of the mind games I was playing with myself.
The fact is that I stepped on the scales again and the numbers were still getting smaller. The real test though would be my clothes. If in fact I was still as big as I thought I was...then my clothes would all still fit tight, so I decided to go through my closet and see if the scales and my intellect would win out or the mirror and my negative self image would. Now let me say here....I hate trying on clothes. In fact....despise might actually be a better word for this form of emotional torture. For a girl that used to love nothing more.....now a days I want to cry at just the thought of having to try something on and then have to look in the mirror so that it can judge me. Surprisingly though...my closet venture wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.
Like every woman of just about any shape or size in America....I have a closet full of clothes that have about a three size range. You have your clothes that are your smallest size that seldom get touched. These clothes have the ability to give you either a really good day or a really bad day dependent upon whether you can get into them or not and how they actually fit if you can. Then you have your midsize clothes. These are your every day clothes that get the most wear. These are also the same clothes that cause a woman to look in her closet and declare she has absolutely nothing to wear because she is bored to tears looking at them....let alone wearing them. Finally you have your largest size clothes. These are the clothes that a woman will go to when she "feels" fat. Yes I say "feels" because often as not....when we feel fat it is more emotional than it is factual...thus when we put those clothes on we look misproportioned and dowdy thus adding to our already low self image. Because they are too big and the waist doesn't constrict....there is room for expansion and since we feel fat...why not make it a fact? So, we head to the nearest refrigerator and eat ourselves into a binge that will actually make those clothes fit. My closet is no different.
Rather than pick and choose the clothes which I knew would give me the most anxiety....I decided I would just try them all. I had a Goodwill bag ready, a trash bag ready and after a shot of cooking sherry....I was ready to face the monster which was my closet. I pulled everything out and started with my pants. What started out with about 15 pair of pants and jeans turned out to be about four pair that actually fit.....and they were all at the small end of my range. Next were all my tops. As I have gotten older....my tops are what gives me the most issue. Looking at myself in the mirror....the slim shouldered me no longer exists. She has been replaced with a linebacker that would make any pro-football team proud. Because of this....I always make the mistake of wearing shirts that are too big because I think they will hide the broad shoulders, big boobs and back fat. All they actually do is add another ten pounds and accentuate my non existent shoulder pads. Keeping this in mind....I cleared out all the shirts that I felt my body needed.....and then carefully went through the shirts that my body actually deserved. Again....I cut my wardrobe down to about less than half of what I started with. What I found out was that the size I actually am is really two sizes less than I thought I was. It was amazing. It was also exhausting. Mentally I was toast. I also decided then and there that I would not buy another item of clothing until everything in my closet no longer fit. Since I was getting rid of all my bigger clothes....I have no place to go but down.
It was emotionally taxing forcing myself to realize that my body, life change and weight loss were doing just fine, but that my mind alone was what was trying to derail me. When I dealt with only the facts and worked strictly in real numbers and size I understood that I am actually losing and my body is obviously changing for the better. How easy it would have been to have destroyed all of this with a cheesecake or a meatball sub. The reality is though....that not just the physical but also the mental changes are happening. I am learning to talk myself off my own ledges and I am starting to replace negative self image and mental smoke and mirrors with reality and positive thinking.
So as you can see....it was an impressive four day weekend for me. It was also exhaustive. The fact is though.....I am breaking ground and whats more....I am worth every exhaustive moment. All this being said and done....I think I have earned today and I plan on enjoying every relaxing second of it. So now I leave you with good thoughts, a smaller size and let us not forget........A HAPPY DANCE! Let the dancing commence!
