There was a breath deep and ragged, but I held it as I mentally lifted my foot. Car keys in hand I got behind the wheel. The foot raised higher. I refused to think, second guess or plan. I held the breath and drove. And still higher my foot went.
I walked in. No thoughts. Another breath. I inched the foot forward, but only slightly. There were smiles, courtesies and I felt my words. They came without thought, fast and furious and I stopped. Breathe. Listen. No....really listen! Hear and process. The words came again. Not as fast but definite and sharp. NO! Sharp means thought and there must be no thought. Nothing preconceived or thought out. Again, a breath. Listening and hearing and always processing.
Then the question. Don't think just shoot from the hip. The hip is where the truth resides, not the brain. The answer is short, direct and another breath. This time the ultimate question. My memories override the hip and I am there. Complete happiness among undoubted chaos. Too naive to know the future and completely content in the present.....which is really the past. That moment in time washed over me like sunshine on a cool day. I could feel every inch of it as if it were happening now. That was it! My last perfect moment in a sea of imperfection. I wanted to hold it, but time was ticking so I let it go, took a breath and released it back into the past. That moment became my starting point and I listened yet again.
There was empathy, understanding, direction and most of all.....hope. And the foot came slowly down. The breath left me in long, slow form. Thoughts marched through my brain, slowly and in single file....not in the usual rush and chaos. The foot came down hitting the ground only a mere inch from where it started and yet, the earth shook as the step held the power of all that I ever was and now am.
As I drove home in the pouring rain, the realization of that tiny step and the metal strength it had taken left me feeling exhausted, emotionally raw and spiritually naked. I couldn't decide whether the down pour was healing me or just filling me to the point of drowning. I chose the former.
So as I sit here writing this I know that as I lay my head down tonight I can know with all certainty that today I took the step that left me further from my past and closer to my future than I have ever been before. I guess this is what they call.....a good day!