Ready for Some Happy

Life has stepped in and I missed a few days. I gave up working out until I get my life into rhythm. Yeah I know....I may never work out again. No...I will! REALLY!

So I guess that is the bad news. I have not walked or worked out in over a week. The good news is....I have quit riding the couch and have actually bed somewhat productive. Well...until yesterday. Yesterday and today I have had David home. He wasn't acting right yesterday and I was starting to wonder if he was having shunt problems. Today though, after a quiet start, he is back to 100%. He will be going to school tomorrow and I will get back to my regularly scheduled life.

I can tell that in the last couple of days I have felt a little out of sorts myself. I am irritated with the world for no good reason. Other than that though....I feel fine....unless I really start thinking about not feeling fine. Yep...mind over matter. When I am busy though.....all health thoughts seem to be back burnered.

I have been eating much better and there has definitely been no loss of appetite. The kids are happy that I am cooking again too. That slump I was in was really a doozie. Now to move on.

I am really in a mood to organize or at least think about organizing. My house still annoys me and I have done little to make it better. I have got to get myself organized before I can organize anything else. Perhaps that will be this afternoons challenge.....Organize my Life!

Truthfully, I can sort of feel my body evening out and finding its new normal again. Once that happens then maybe things will start falling into place. I am trying to let go of as much negative as possible (both mentally and physically) but obviously my mood states that there is still some residual negativity lingering. Maybe it is the weather or the dogs who keep peeing and puking in my house or maybe it is just me still purging. Whatever.....I am ready for some happy.

Dust in my Rearview Mirror

Yesterday wasn't too bad a day. I feel myself get gritchy though and I am trying to curb that. It is just my nerves getting the better of me. Truly...prayer helps. Yeah I know....how cliche and Christian of me. But it is true.

I veered again last night with a little snacky junk food, but it was better than the night before and another evening or so and I should have the crap all out of my house.....never to return....hopefully! I have been doing amazing on my water drinking too. I can tell the water helps a lot in just how I feel.

Today my corgi Spud was acting a little out of sorts so I took him on the walk with me. There could have been a two fold reason for this. 1) he needed the exercise and 2) I knew with his short legs and the heat, we wouldn't be out long. I was right. We walked about 25 minutes.

This working out that I am doing is forming in stages in my mind. I am starting slow so as to wake the muscles up and not overdue.....thus giving me further excuse to ride the couch. I will not berate myself for a shorter walk than usual and will applaud myself for the effort it sometimes takes me to walk out the door. Every step off the couch and out the door is a step closer to achieving health and fitness. I am trying hard not to make long term or over my skill level goals as I don't want to set myself up to fail. No one knows me better than I know me and I know what works and what doesn't. That being said......there are a couple of longish term goals that I would eventually like to try and hit. One.....I would like to be fit enough to run/walk several races in the next couple of years. Second.....I would like to learn to dance. I figure if Kirstie Alley can do it.....then I should be a shoe-in. Forget that I have no rhythm, no skill and once I hit a dance floor I become petrified and self conscious. I still want to dance!!!!

I also have broken my....I am too lazy to cook thinking and I am starting to fix actual meals again. It has been 3 weeks to a month since I last put any love into my kitchen or my kids food and it is high time I start again. Last night my kids were soooooo happy. I was too.

The walks are actually helping with my anxiety over all of this, along with attending Mass whenever possible, prayer and not allowing myself to go to any dark places in my head. Also.....this blog is helping. This time my efforts are not just on how I want to look, but also how I want to feel and be. I realize that I have little faith in myself and no self-confidence. Somewhere along the line I lost the drive to achieve anything and I lost who I was and who I wanted to be. It is my goal to get all of that back. I am 50 not 80 and I have much left to see, do and experience, but it will never happen if I quit on myself.

So yeah....it is still all about the baby steps. The small goals that right now seem like major hurdles but in time it all will be nothing more than dust in my rear view mirror.

The Plan

So I met with the thoracic surgeon yesterday. I knew I would likely know nothing more than I already did but I was hoping for some peace of mind. Basically what I got was this: if it is cancer....it's not good because there are two spots. Damn! However, my blood work along with everything else about me health wise does not indicate cancer. He highly doubts they are cancerous BUT unless he has them biopsied they won't know anything for sure.

That leads to....they could try and biopsy them now, but as small as they are.....likely they would get a false reading back. Even a PET scan would not be conclusive. So he left it at, if I were his wife....he would say the best course of action is to wait three months, have another CT and see what they look like at that time. Crap! God sure knows how to teach patience! Now to see the endocrinologist on the 25th.

My mind is a horrible place to be right now. Since finding out that I had these spots, my chest hurts, my neck hurts and I feel like crap. Mind you....none of these was remotely true before I got the initial call. Reality tells me that my chest hurts because I am vacationing in anxiety land. My neck hurts for two reasons....one it's all in my head and two I sleep horribly at night and my neck has hurt because of this for years. I feel like crap because I have laid on the couch, felt sorry for myself and tried to eat myself into a grease filled coma. DUH!

Yesterday after going to see the doctor, I was not in the happy place mentally that I had hoped to be, so chips and dip were my friend. Yes, I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't care. Luckily I quit when I started feeling queasy knowing that I was band-aiding one bad issue with another. I then turned to salad and felt a little better.

Last night was not one of my better nights. Although I went to bed at a decent hour, I awoke every hour or so with mosquito bites that not only itched, but hurt. Finally about 4 a.m. it dawned on my to take Benadryl and I found some Benadryl cream. This gave me at least a couple hours of relief and sleep.....and a nice little Benadryl hangover. 

Today I am back. I am mentally pulling down all that I can actually control and putting the rest aside. Oh and there is a lot of prayer. I did walk again today, I have upped my water intake thirty fold and it is my hope that I can keep my hands out of the chip bag and accomplish a few things today. Quite honestly as I began my walk, I wanted to quit. Mentally I was searching for a reason to just turn around and go home. Luckily I am just slightly more plucky than to quit so I started thinking about blogs to write and continued on. I am not walking the five miles that I used to, but I did walk a good 30 minutes and plan on adding to that daily when possible.

A lot can happen in three months. Right now as far as I know I have a couple of tiny freckles on my lung but other than that I have decent blood pressure, good cholesterol numbers and my thyroid should be heading in the right direction. There is no reason to expect the worst. It is however a good time to start focusing on the positive mentally, physically and spiritually and that is just what I plan to do.

Baby Steps

Yep....another very long stretch of denial. I am not publicly (i.e. fb) posting this right now. If you follow me and read this....great. Other than that though, it is the start of yet another journey...this time somewhat privately. I have had my ups and downs with nutrition, exercise, weight loss and health since last I posted. Nutrition I would give myself a "B" on...up until these last couple of weeks. Then there is nothing lower than an "F-" so I guess there will be no grade. Exercise was a "B" but of late is closer to an "F-". Weight loss was a good strong "C" but now it also is an "F-" and health well I am not giving it a grade. My blood work says a good "B+", but a recent MRI and CT say I might be closer to a "D".

Yes, I have yo-yoed on everything and have yet to get to the point where I am really serious about all the above. Two weeks ago I was told that I have two tiny spots on my lung. It put me into an emotional tail spin of epic proportions. I planted my ass on the couch with a cheeseburger and except to go to church, the doctor or bed....I pretty much stayed there. Why my cholesterol wasn't also a number of epic proportions is beyond me.

Maybe I needed the melt down. Maybe that was my rock bottom or close to it. Since the initial finding, I have had both doctors and radiologist say that they are not overly concerned about the spots. However, today I am going to a thoracic specialist to get his opinion. Not sure what I am feeling right now. On the 25th I am also going to an endocrinologist as they also found that I have an enlarged thyroid. Part of me is angry with my mother for all of her years of smoking around me and her really bad genes. Another part of me though is really mad at myself for letting myself go and not caring more about my health, my body, my future and my kids.

Getting a better handle on my spiritual side has given me a bit of introspection as well. I know when I am overwhelmed I just stand in place and stop. In certain ways I have been overwhelmed for thirteen years. I also know this is not the answer and when I break it down for myself it is much easier to deal and go on. This weekend I realized that I can't change the past. Not the last thirteen years, the last month, week or even the last second. All I can do is move forward and sitting on the couch with a burger in hand is not moving forward.

All my inactivity of late and bad eating has A) made me feel like crap and B) made me spend too much time thinking about myself thus thinking I feel worse than I really actually do...I think. The mind is a powerful tool and if left unchecked....it can take you into some really dark places.

I have decided that regardless of what the spots turn out to be (and God help me I hope they are nothing....the same goes for the thyroid) I need to be the best me I can be. My kids deserve that and most of all...I deserve that. I am tired of being on the spin cycle of wanting, trying, giving up and falling back....over and over again. I am ready to take this a second at a time if necessary and for once make a positive change.

In all honesty I am ashamed of myself and I was really ashamed when I stepped on the doctors scales the other day and saw 189 glaring me back in the face. I am only 5'1" for pete's sake. WTH?????? I gained 15lbs from June to now. Sigh!!!! Most of it was probably gained in the last couple of weeks.

I know the hard stuff is never easy but it is oh so worth it. I intend to be around for many, many years to come. That's right people.....you will be putting up with me for decades. But I don't intend to be over weight and to willfully put my health at risk because I put cheeseburgers and laziness above all else. This will not happen overnight and there will likely be setbacks.....but anything is doable if you want it badly enough.

A little peace of mind would be amazing at this point and I may end up with some today. Whatever the case though, all the things in my health universe that I "can" control......I must. The rest I will leave to God.

Today I walked for half an hour (starting slow) and I am drinking my water (lots of it) and eating five small meals. There will be no couch lounging and I will do my best to stay positive. It is a start.....on my way to baby steps.