I have learned many lessons in this last year. In fact, I have probably had more life skills training in the last 8-12 months than I have had in all the other 54 years of my life combined. You know the biggest lesson I have learned? I don't know me at all. In fact, much of what I thought I knew....I really didn't.
That is a strange statement to make with all the years I have lived. You would think by this time, I would be approaching wise...but I am not. In fact, I realize that my wisdom in this life is very limited. And all that sage advice I have given others? I am beginning to think that it was complete and utter BS. That's right. Most of that advice was unsolicited and therefore fell into the category of none of my business. That which was asked for, was me saying to them, what I would actually like to be true in my world but was not. So yeah....BS.
And NO! I am not being self deprecating. I am being totally and 100% honest. That too is something new to me in the respect that I have spent a great deal of time lying to myself and probably lying to others based on the lies I told myself. Again....not self loathing, just a good dose of honesty.
So, we have established that my wisdom is limited and I haven't got a clue who I am or what I want to be when I grow up....and you know what? That is perfectly okay. It's not about what I don't know, but rather it is about what I know that I don't know and that I acknowledge I don't know it. Confused yet?
These last few months have put me on a journey that I had no idea I needed to go on, nor do I think I even wanted to go on, but I was left with no choice. It was either face life and the reality of all that is my world or spend the rest of my days in denial and misery.
One of the most important things I am learning is that I have spent my entire adult life doing for others so that they might see me as "good enough." What the hell? What is good enough? Who is the measurer of "enough" and why am I holding myself to a standard that I am not even sure exists? I have literally made myself miserable trying to get people to tell me I was good enough, when the only one that really mattered was the person staring back at me in my mirror. WOW! That was some deep and complex realizations.
Another thing I have learned is that I have been waiting for someone or some thing to make me happy. Again....what the hell? I have handed over complete and total control of my life to some non-existent entity. The reality is, there is no one or nothing out there that has the power to make me happy. The only one that has that kind of power and control is......wait for it......ME! And again....WOW! The control that I have been searching for all of these years has been right here all along.
Finally, I have lived in fear for the last 18 years. Tis' true. From 2000 to 2002, just about every fear I had at the time was realized. I had a premature, special needs child that hung between life and death, I lost my husband and I lost my mother. Since that moment, I have spent all of these years waiting for the other shoe to drop and often living with self-fulfilling prophecies. Yep.....what the hell yet again?!
Fear has become my way of life and integrated itself into just about every breath I take and every decision I make. There is nothing fearless about my life or me as a person. It is all fear-based and even just saying that makes me feel sad. What a waste of 18 years that I can never get back.
The good news is, you can teach an old dog new tricks and this old dog is learning. Yes, acknowledgment of my past behavior and the acceptance to know that I can't go back and change a thing but I can learn from it and move forward are amazing realizations. That is why these last few weeks I have done my best to take only learning moments from the past and leave the rest behind. I forgive myself for every moment wasted in fear, for every time I allowed myself to feel less than or not good enough and for every time I turned my power over to someone else or even nothing at all. It has been somewhat freeing, as if I have been climbing out of quick sand that all but devoured me.
I have also realized that along with having no control over the past, I also have no control over the future. It is very easy to fall into fearful thinking when you try to control that which hasn't even happened yet. I have given myself way too much "imagined" power over things that I know nothing of. I cannot predict the future and therefore giving it too much thought puts me into a power struggle where I truly have no power. In that battle....I will always lose.
What I can control is the here and now. The moment. So I am taking my life back, one second at a time. For one second I can focus on the present. For one second I can put fear in my rear view mirror and be grateful for what I have instead of worrying about what I don't. For one second, I can look in the mirror and ask myself what "I" need right now.....and for this second....that is exactly what I am doing.
These are all pretty hefty realizations and they have come fairly fast. Granted, they may have been a bit forced as I was out of other options, but it seems that they are steering me on a whole new path I have yet to go down. They are changing how I think and how I focus my time and effort. They are making me take stock of what I have and not worry about what I don't and they are making me live in the moment, leaving the past and present to take care of themselves.
So why I am writing all of this on this particular blog? Because this blog is/was designed to help me to help myself not just be a healthier me, but to be a better me body, mind and spirit. That is what I am doing.
Today, I decided to let go of a fear and go on a walk. Now this may sound funny to you, being afraid of going on a walk, but it wasn't to me. It had been since 2016 the last time I went on a walk. At that time I was going 5 miles 3-5 times per week. Since that time though, I had let myself go. I wasn't eating right and I had gotten next to no exercise. I was literally terrified that I would get 10 feet down the street and that I wouldn't be able to catch my breath or that my legs, heart and body in general just wouldn't be up for.....exercise. This morning though, I knew that the only way to find out if my fear was real or exaggerated was to simply....do it. I gave myself the goal of 1 mile and I took off. Guess what? My breathing was fine. My legs, heart and body were fine and not only did I go a mile, but I managed 1.71 miles and I felt fine. The added benefit was that being out lifted my spirits and gave me some much needed time with nature and the present.
As I walked, I was able to open my mind to what was going on in the moment. I did not allow myself thoughts of anything that happened before the walk or anything that "might" happen after. I stayed strictly in the moment and enjoyed the early fall morning. The air was humid and not a leaf moved. The ground was dotted with moisture from an early morning shower and everything felt clean. The trees were still in full green splendor and the grass was luxurious and soft with all of the recent rains. I enjoyed seeing the fall flowers that were feeling safe enough to start blooming in the absence of the heat and the cloud cover and grayness gave my soul just a twitch of fall longing.
While enjoying the moment, I was also able to ponder the many reasons I have to be grateful in the here and now and as I listed them in my head, I realized that regardless of anything else, I am blessed. I also realized that what I have is enough and who I am is enough. It was a pretty good feeling for an early onset of fall morning.
Where is this all going to go? That is a question that I have no answer for. Anything past this moment is unwritten and therefore subject to surprise, change and the twisty turns that make life so interesting and unpredictable. The future is also not my business. My business resides in the moment and how I can make those moments count to learn about who I am, what I want and how I am going to get there. And I will take this journey.....one second at a time.
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