Just Who Has Time for Self-Care Anyway?

Self-care! Self-care! And for those in the back...SELF-CARE!!!!

So funny story, before I went to Al-Anon, I don't think I had ever really heard, or maybe more to the point paid attention to the term "self-care." Al-Anon however, is a huge proponent of self-care as taking care of ourselves is about the only thing we as individuals have control over. 

As a mom, and maybe just a woman in general, I had never really thought much about self-care. Perhaps it was because women of my generation were at that fork in the road where we were choosing whether to be stay-at-home moms or being out in the workforce. If you were a stay-at-home mom, then your attention and care were all about your family. If you were in the workforce, then you had to work twice as hard to prove that you were just as good, therefore there was little time to focus on much else other than the work. If however, you had that "S" on your chest and decided to be both in the workforce and a mom, then your days were usually 25 hours long and each minute was consumed by something or someone else and there was zero time to even go to the bathroom, let alone do something special for yourself.  

In my world, in particular, I spent all day every day, as a widowed mom, trying to be both mom and dad to my kids, and most days, feeling as if I had failed miserably in all areas. Add to that, taking care of a differently-abled child, cooking, cleaning, and at times holding down a job, and there were days that I was lucky to comb my hair, let alone practice anything that even remotely looked like self-care. 

I remember a time when my life was so crazy and so hectic that I would go entire days and forget to eat, baby wipes were at times as close to a shower as I got and I was so worn out and tired that I actually fell asleep at the kitchen sink while I was doing dishes. Yeah, I came pretty low on the totem pole when it came to care of any kind and my life and demeanor showed it. 

Later, as my kids got older, my dual parenting role turned into unadulterated control, and I was way too involved in my kids lives, doing too much for them, expecting too little from them, and focusing all my time and attention on their care.....or as they like to refer to it as my smothering years. 

The biggest and suckiest part of that time period was that I truly felt like a  martyr who was completely unappreciated for all the love and misplaced care I gave. Looking back though, I don't think I would have appreciated me as a mom either. 

Not only had I become a self-proclaimed martyr, but I had also become a bit of a whiner to anyone who would listen to me. I was just so confused because I literally thought I was doing what I was supposed to do as a mother....live for my children, and I could not understand why instead of being grateful to have such an amazing mom as I surely had to be, that they were avoiding me like the plague and angry at me for just about everything....including my very existence. 

It was one day, when I was mid-whine into one of my poor-me stories, that a very kind and yet very direct person, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Lisa....get down off that damn cross. We need the wood." It startled me into silence, and then it was kindly and directly explained to me that my kids couldn't stand me at the moment, because I had no life of my own. Every breath I took was for and about them and I had no identity other than being their mom. It was a realization that hit me like a brick right between the eyes. If I didn't totally immerse myself in the lives of my children and control their every move, then what was I supposed to do? I felt as if my Mom Card was being revoked.

Not long after this revelation, was when I started Al-Anon and was introduced to self-care. Hmmm.....it sounded fishy to me. No, it actually sounded selfish and not at all the way I was brought up or taught that a mom was to behave, and just who had time for this self-care nonsense anyway?  Then another very kind and direct individual pointed out to me, that I had been doing it my way all of this time, and then they posed the question, "How was my way working out for me?" Well, that was just uncalled for! It made me mad clear down to my toes, and then it hit me, it wasn't working out well at all. 

They then went on to point out that my care had turned into control and my control had become borderline insanity. Harsh, but not completely incorrect. It seemed that the more I tried to care for control my kids, the more they rebelled, and the more they rebelled, the more I tried to control them. The reality was that I only had control over one person and that was me, and outside of that, I was just a crazy woman who was pissing off everyone in my hemisphere. This is where self-care came into play. 

It seemed that if I took care of myself putting the focus on me, and let those who were old enough to make their own decisions and deal with their own consequences do so, then my world might just start changing for the better. I was skeptical, but as was pointed out earlier, my way did not seem to be the tried and true winner that I thought it was. Perhaps.....I wasn't as wise as I had led myself to believe. Who knew?

I remember the first time after that, when I said, "No!" when asked to do something that they could do for themselves. The initial reaction was utter shock on their part, but guess what? They did it! For me, it was a heady feeling of release and freedom. Next was the afternoon that I shut my bedroom door and.......took a nap. That's right. Their laundry be damned. It was the most glorious nap I had taken since my drooling Percocet nap after my hysterectomy. I was beginning to see the beautiful wisdom in this whole self-care thing. 

Since that time, I have learned more and more to focus on myself and to take care of myself. This doesn't mean that I have completely abandoned my family, it just means that I have stepped back out of their lives and allowed them to succeed or fail on their own merits. They have learned that their failures are often as important as their successes and I am learning that they don't need me to fix things or clean up after them. This gives me a lot more time to find out who I am and what I like, outside of meddling in my children's lives. 

Of course, I still care for my differently-abled son, but even with him, my relationship has changed. I work hard to allow him to be as independent as his abilities allow, although sometimes I catch the crazy mom in me, trying to slip out and I have to shove her back in. Practicing self-care though has made me healthier, stronger, happier and in many ways a better mother (not mother and father) to my kids. 

Over time I have learned a lot about myself and the things that make me happy. I have found that I like to mow the yard, sew and craziest of all.....go to the gym. I like to take the time needed for all those things to give myself a break from my daily life and to recharge both my body and my soul. In turn, giving myself those gems of time, makes me feel happier and more productive in the rest of my life. My kids I am sure, are much happier too, now that I have learned to stay in my own lane and it is much easier to stay in my lane when I know who I am and that whenever necessary, I am able to practice a little bit of good old self-care.💜

So until next time, may you never have to replace a shower with baby wipes, may you get to take a drool-worthy nap, and may you practice self-care every chance that you get.