Too Tired to Blog! Too Tired to Eat!

What a day!!!! This day has just zoomed by. I guess it is only fitting that I end my day the same way I started it.....blogging! I am truly exhausted and had this huge long blog planned out....but it will likely have to wait until a later date when my eyes are willing to work with me and stay open.

I am not sure exactly what was with me today. I had trouble functioning all day. It was just one of those days where everything I did....I did wrong. My brain apparently was not in the mood to engage or work with me at all. It didn't matter whether I was on the phone, with a customer or at the grocery store. I managed to look like an idiot on several occasions....not to mention sounding on the phone like it was my first day with the new tongue. Five o'clock could not arrive soon enough!

Inability to function aside....today wasn't too bad. Part of my functioning issue is likely the fact that I keep waking up at 4:45 a.m. on the dot every morning. I am awake long before my alarm goes off and then I can't go back to sleep. Thankfully....the sleep between 11 p.m. and 4:45 a.m. is glorious and I really don't feel overly tired....that is until now.  Perhaps my body is just telling me that I am getting to the age where I don't require as much sleep. Next thing you know I will be eating supper at 4 p.m. and wondering where I put my teeth. Sheesh! I am almost sure I require more than 5 hours of sleep a night. This is all likely to catch up with me when I least expect it.

Even though I was up early....I still managed to make myself run behind this morning. Of course Wed. are late start, so by the time the bus gets here for David.....I have a pretty limited window of time before I have to be to work. Invariably....even though we have an extra hour on Wed., I end up throwing myself off track and running late. This morning was no different. I did however manage to get a bit of a workout in. It was admittedly.....another wimpy one (20 min. to be exact) and I only burned a little over 200 calories in going 1.5 mi. on the elliptical. I really didn't feel too bad about my lack of exercisial (new word....do you like it?) devotion this morning. After all the last two days I have really hit it hard and plan to do the same the next two days. I think today my body just needed a bit of a break. The only thing I wasn't pleased with was my defeatist mindset right off the bat. I was ready to quit before I got started and I was doing mental bargaining and maneuvering trying to avoid anything more than a minimal workout. I had to fight the negativity the whole 20 min. and I am sure that had I actually had more time.....I would likely have punished myself by pushing too hard. So I guess the 20 min. was what I needed today....I just needed a better mental attitude to go along with it.

Again there was no time....or I didn't make time to eat anything before about 12:30 p.m. By then....I was once again starved. I treated myself yet again today with a Dillons salad. It was not planned....but I ran out of time this morning. Since my workout wasn't spectacular.....I kind of dialed back the salad goodies a bit. Today was: salad greens (0), tomato, cucumber and onion all (0), grapes, watermelon, strawberries (0), cottage cheese (2), cukes in Italian dressing (1), 1 Tbsp croutons (1) and 2 Tbsp. Otts fat free dressing. Dessert was a WW yogurt (2). Total: 6 pts. That left me with 23 points for the rest of the day.

Going home tonight I knew I had cheesecakes to make and still needed some stuff. I was starting to feel really tired and decided to do something I try really hard not to do. I stopped for fast food. I went to Taco Bell and got the boys taco's and got myself a Fresco taco (4) and a Fresco been burrito (8). The total was 12 pts. still leaving me with 11 pts. I also licked a spatula during cheesecake making, (what??? I have to make sure it is good) which we will call 3 pts. That still leaves me with 8 pts. left over. Normally I would go for the ice cream....but believe it or not....tonight I am simply too tired to even eat. That is okay though....a few points leftover is not a bad thing...especially in light of the less than stellar effort I put in on the elliptical today.

The rest of the evening was spent finishing cheesecakes and having a wonderful conversation with Z about life, David and God. I think we both learned a lot there. It really was nice just talking with him. We got so involved....I forgot my blog and we both forgot American Idol. Now THAT is some conversation!

Normally tomorrow is weigh in day and I would usually starve myself until weigh in time, but since we are meetingless tomorrow....I think I will enjoy my lunch. Maybe too I will have a little more time to blog. At any rate....other than my little mental tantrum I threw this morning during my workout, I think I did pretty good today. So far I am three for three. Do you think there will be a four? Stay tuned to find out. Same bat time! Same bat channel! Nighty night!

Today Was a Good Day

Yesterday went well. Not especially productive...but I behaved myself and did all that I was suppose to. The hard part was not actually the day time. The hard part came about 11:30 p.m. last night when I had fallen asleep and then woke up STARVING!!!! In my half sleep stupor I headed toward the stairs to go find me some peanut butter....after all I read somewhere that eating peanut butter and crackers or bread before you go to bed helps you to sleep better. I was all for that. At the last minute though...I veered off and instead of heading downstairs...I went to the bathroom. Once out....I was awake enough to think the situation through a bit. Then I remembered that I had also read somewhere that sometimes (especially at night) when we think we are hungry....we are actually thirsty. I liked this thought better as I was really too tired to go all the way downstairs and maneuver around the kitchen, so I drank the water by my bed. It must have done the trick...because I don't remember another think until my alarm went off this morning. Crisis averted!

After getting up today....I got the important things done....the blog and the workout. There were other things on my plate too...the normal Tuesday things, but they did not leave me in a good mood, so I think I will simply skip over them. Maybe they will be a blog all their own one day. However....they did not get me down nor did they side track me. At least not so far....after I process them fully it might be a different story!

The workout was really awesome! Painful....but awesome. Today I made it to one hour and 15 min. It was divided into 45 min. on the elliptical where I went 3.5 miles and burned right at 450 calories. Next I did weights for 10 min. targeting the legs (the machines were jammed so I didn't work the legs as long as I wanted to) and I burned about 100 calories there. Then I moved on to kickboxing. Again this was a 10 min. workout and I burned right at 100 calories. Between all these workouts I walked and managed to get in 10 min. of walk time which equaled about 50 calories burned. Total calories were 700 calories. It was a good workout and I felt really great after completing it....although several times on the elliptical I thought about throwing in the towel....but I didn't! Jillian Michaels face kept appearing to me saying Don't stop unless you puke, faint or die! I thought perhaps dying was a possibility at the 30 min. mark. I did not let myself stop though.

It is funny when I workout. When I walk I actually do have time to think and even pray at times. It is kind of my alone time with my thoughts. But when I do something high energy like the elliptical (yes the elliptical)....I get that baby up to 200+ strides per minute throughout my workout, or kick boxing.....my mind shuts down. I have to focus on one thing and one thing only. It is usually a phrase....like Jillian Michaels quote above....or a certain number. Sometimes I focus on a calorie number that I want to burn or a distance I want to go and then on days like today I was focusing on both calories and time. I find that when I workout hard....I simply can't mutlti-task. I can't plan my day or worry about the kids. I can't think of work or think about what is undone at home. All I can think about is hitting my goal and pushing myself to get there. It maybe the only pure....unhampered by thought portion of my day.

After today's workout...when I was walking the track to cool down....I was then able to think. I realized that to many, my workout may not be that exciting, but to me it was wonderful. I made a goal...I hit that goal and I felt better for doing it. I was showing myself that I REALLY did care about me. After all....if I can't care about me....then how can I ever expect anyone else to? I want to be the best me I can be for my kids, for my self esteem and most of all for my health. I can do things now that I could not have even dreamed of doing a year ago. This time last year.....that 45 min. on the elliptical with strides of up to 200+ would have killed me. Literally Jillian would had to have let me off the hook....because I would have fallen over dead. And to have paired that with another 30 min. of exercise......well...it just never would have happened. Now I can do it....and I know that if I continue to push....I can do even more. It is really exciting to me!!!!

Once at work.....I still had the happy endorphins flowing from my workout and they apparently canceled out any negativity. The only thing I can see that I might have done wrong today (and as wrong doing goes....it isn't much) is that I did not manage to eat anything until around 12:30 p.m. today. I stopped before I came into work and got my usual Tuesday Dillon's salad bar salad. By the time I took my first bite....I realized just how hungry I was. The salad was as follows: lettuce greens (0), cucumbers (0), tomatoes (0), 1 Tbsp. dried cranberries (1), cucumbers in Italian dressing (2), watermelon (0), grapes (0), strawberries (0), 1/4 c. cottage cheese (2), 3 Tbsp. Otts fat free dressing (3), 3 Tbsp. croutons (3). All totaled I used 11 points. Being that I sit at my desk and eat and work while eating....it takes me awhile to consume this baby....so needless to say  when I am done....I am stuffed. I still have 18 points left to eat today and I also have drank 60 ounces of water so far and let us not forget......my beloved tea.

After the brushing of the teeth....I have been good to go this afternoon. Other than writing about it....nary a food thought has gone through my mind. I am in a good place today. Not quite as good as a week ago Sunday...but I seem to be getting there. Because of my indiscretions of last week, I am rather glad there will be no weigh in this week. I want nothing to even possibly discourage me from my goals and my current mind set. I am hoping that when I step on the scales next week...that it is a true reflection of both my attitude and my drive to reach my goals. Surely....for just a week and a half I can behave myself. If not.....well we just won't go there. Will continue later................

I appear to be in tuna mode. Tonight was another tuna night....same as last night. It was yummy, filling and I a still within my points. Bread (4), tuna (5), onion (0), miracle whip light (1), Special K Chips (3) Sweet pickles (3) and tea (0) . Well 16 more points down. Only 2 left for today. May have to forgo my ice cream treat tonight and stay with fruit. Sigh....and I so look forward to my ice cream. Oh well!

Had my final morsel of food for the night. Yes folks...it was an orange (0) so I still have a bank of 2 points...which means absolutely nothing since you can't bank points in WW. Hopefully there will be no late night cravings tonight...but just in case, I have my handy 40oz glass of water by my bed. That should get me through til morning.

It felt like a good day today and now that I found out I didn't mess up a cheesecake order....I feel pretty peaceful. Thank God for a wonderful day and thank you all for hanging in there with me for another blog post with much too much information about....ME!

A Day in the Life of Me!

Well, I have come to the conclusion that I am a whole lot more talk than action. Of course those that know me...probably already knew that. Still....I refuse to give up. I refuse to let one bad week turn into a month and then 6 months and then....a year. God only gives each of us so many years and I would really like to spend the number I have left (at least 40 or 50) feeling good about myself. Since a week ago Sunday....I have felt anything but good about me. The whole package has really been lacking and because of my inner feelings...my outer actions have been horrible. I have eaten MANY things I shouldn't and have only worked out once....until today.

Yesterday I was feeling really crapping and down on myself and yes....feeling sorry for myself. I don't do it often....but when I do, it is full on self pity. I decided right then and there to just go for it. I let myself eat what I wanted, I laid around and for the most part....did absolutely nothing. The one condition was....today I had to get up and get back at it. And I did!

I also did a great deal of thinking amidst my pity party about poor me and why things weren't working. The truth is....things were working. Things were working fine. I might not have been losing tons every week, but I was losing and I was feeling good. Then I allowed others words to derail me. That is a pretty lousy reason for allowing myself to fall back instead of move forward. I have no one to blame but myself. I also need to take stronger actions with myself.  

ACCOUNTABILITY! ACCOUNTABILITY! ACCOUNTABILITY! I am going to have to write down every action, every thought, every morsel of food. I know I have said this before and it has only lasted....maybe a day, but I need to do this for a week. I need to write down when I feel good, bad or hungry. I need to write down the bite of cheesecake batter, the half of cracker and the whole ice cream cone. And I need to get on paper the 20 min. walk, the 45 min. elliptical workout or the entire 1+ hours of circuit training. I need to go back and see in print how good I felt after the workout or how lousy I felt after the entire bag of jelly beans. Maybe then, if I put all of this down....even if I only manage a week. I will straighten out this crooked road I am on.

So back to today. I actually crawled out of bed at 5 a.m. and did my blog. That is my perfect time to just freely write with little or no real thought going into it. It also makes it really fun to go back later in the day and see just what was going through my head before my eyes were fully open. Once the blog was finished and everyone was ready for the day....I had to run Z to school extra early. His biology grade stinks and he forgot to turn in work. Hmmmm......the early arrival was to find that work in the black hole he calls a locker and get it turned in before 7:30 a.m. When we got there....he had exactly 30 min. to find it. I haven't heard yet whether the mission was successful or not.

It was my hope after getting back to the house to have David on his bus by 7:50 a.m. and to be at the DRC by 8:00 a.m. for my workout. Silly Lisa for making plans. Finally at 8:15 the bus arrived and I could feel the irritation welling up inside me. This late pick up stuff does not work for me. I try to understand though that things happen and the bus barn is short handed. Still though......grrrrrr!

I finally made it to the DRC about 8:25 and after my two laps around the track....I hit the elliptical. After Friday...I wasn't sure if I would wimp out today or not. I actually felt pretty good so I had high hopes. I managed a 45 min. elliptical workout with lots of speed ups and then slow downs for a good cardio workout. My final stats were: 45 min./3.7 mil./470 calories burned. I ended with another 2 laps around the track. I was definitely sweating when done but I felt good and was out of time as I had to get to work. Luckily my boss has it set up at work so if we go workout before work we can get ready at work. Today I did.

I managed to eat a WW yogurt (2 pt.) around 10 a.m. which left me with 27 pts. for the day. From that point on I was too busy to think of food, exercise or how I was feeling. I missed Friday at work....and today was definitely filled with a lot of catching up.

Finally around 12:30 p.m. I was able to eat lunch. Lunch was one of my home prepared salads...consisting of lettuce greens (0), cucumbers (0), 1 tbs. full of dried cranberries (1), 1 Tbsp. croutons (1), 1 orange (0) and 2 Tbsp. Otts fat free dressing (2) leaving me with a total of 23 pts. Funny thing was I wasn't really hungry but I knew it was lunch time.

I purchased a toothbrush to keep at work because 1) I don't like having lunch breath and 2) freshly brushed teeth are not conducive to eating. So if I brush my teeth right after lunch....it is win win for everyone involved and here it is 3:30 and I still have toothpaste taste in my mouth which rules out food for a while longer.

I have also drank 60 ounces of water today (0) and have sipped on iced tea (0) the rest of the time. So far I have lived up to yesterday's bargain and stayed on track today. Will I be able to continue the path for the rest of the day? Hopefully! I have taking Z to theater and speaking at the BOE meeting tonight in my future and I had hopes of accomplishing a few chores tonight...although I am not sure by the time I finish with the running around that I am going to be up for any chores. Also....I haven't yet decided what supper is going to consist of. I want something quick and if I had my way....wouldn't require cooking. Chances are....I won't have my way.

So far the mood has remained positive and forward moving. Catch me at 5 and we will  see if after being up for 12 hours....things are still as upbeat. To be continued............

Well I am back. Z is dropped off at theater and I am waiting for the babysitter to come so I can head to the BOE meeting. When I walked in the house....I could feel my stress level rise as I looked around to see all the things I did not do over the weekend (remember the pity party?) and most likely will not do tonight. It just makes me irritable and I must admit....my first thought as I walked in the door was.....Dang a Hot Rod Burger sounds good! Food immediately became my go-to soother. Or in this case....the thought of food did. Next I looked at David's report for the day. They were concerned about his not wanting to sit on the toilet anymore. I too am concerned about this. He seems to get extremely stressed when put on....which tells me something isn't right. Does something hurt him? Is it uncomfortable? Or is he just going through a stage? Oh the joys of a non-verbal child. Again with the stress.

Then there is my Z who wore Family Guy boxers to play rehearsal in the fall and made quite a stir. He has decided that it will now be his mission in life to wear said boxers to one play practice each play. The boy is a mess and I wonder what the fallout will be this time. Again....just a little bit of stress.

Finally....I walked into my room which looks like a crazy teenager inhabits it. Usually my bed is made and the room is cleaned up....but not today. Today the bed is a mess, clothes are everywhere and it just feels uncomfortable. Ick! I can definitely feel the stress.

I did manage to eat and eat right throughout all of this. Before I left work I had an apple (0) and a WW smoked string cheese (1). Once I got home...the menu was two tuna sandwiches and Special K Chips. The pts total for this: Bread (4), tuna (5), onion (0), miracle whip light (1), Special K Chips (1.5) and tea (0) Total (12.5)  leaving me with 10.5 points unused. I am sure my nightly WW ice cream treat will help to take care of some of those points.

Well...I am off to get ready for the meeting. As I said....I expect nothing spectacular from myself tonight....maybe tomorrow. For now though....maybe I can just maintain my decent eating habits for today. Will continue later.

Time to wind down and finish off the day....and my points. I made it to the BOE meeting where I got to speak for a couple of minutes on David, his health issues and the services out there that the school needs to educate parents on. It was a good meeting and I was glad I went. When I got home, David and I snuggled on the couch for a bit and then he went his own way. While sitting there after  he got up...a thought occurred to me. I am ALWAYS a little stressed about David. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall with his seizures or his health. When he is quiet....I always wonder why....because David is seldom quiet. Tonight he was quiet....curled up on the couch watching tv and I worried. I have got to let go of some of this worry and just have a little faith.

When Z got home we decided to put David on the potty just to see how he reacted. He was fine. He played with the toilet paper roll, made his David noises and although it was a fruitless excursion....he didn't want to get off when it was time. Hmmm.....we will have to keep working with him to see what the issue is.

I have just had my final morsel of the day....a WW frozen Candy Bar (4) which leaves me with 6.5 points left over. It was just what I needed to end the day. And much as I suspected.....not one thing that I needed to do tonight was done. Perhaps tomorrow night will get better results. As for tonight....I did well today. I have hopes that tomorrow is just as good with possibly an even better workout.

Well...it was far from exciting....but yes folks...this is a day in the life of me! Jealous yet? Yeah...I wouldn't be either. So for tonight I say Goodnight....sleep well....and I will catch you in tomorrows blogs!

You Too Can Go to the Gym!

So I am guessing that if anyone actually thought I was going to be productive today.....well....they, me, you and we were wrong! Here I sit...thinking and blogging! What a dangerous combination for a mind such as mine. More over.....you all are just going to have more to read today. You will read....right?!

I was thinking that exactly one week ago at this time.....I was happy. REALLY happy! I was teaching my free college day courses at BCCC in Andover.....and I was feeling good. Things for one brief moment seemed to make sense. Move the clock forward  a couple of hours...and all that feel good, make sense stuff started to dwindle. Suddenly there was a car which seemed okay up front, but then there became all the unnecessary family involvement which drove me stark raving mad and all of this culminated into this blog post. Suffice it to say my week was not stellar and I did not handle it with any sort of patience, maturity or good coping skills at all. What I did was throw an emotional tantrum and punish myself further for something that was not my fault in the first place. I did not work out (not one day last week) and I did not eat right. Granted....I did not eat as badly as I could have....but i had a horrible I don't care attitude that was really difficult to shake.

And to Dana who emailed me and asked me if I had lost any weight this week.....the answer is....I don't know. I was not able to go and weigh this week as the dr. scheduled an EEG for David and I did not get back in time to go to WW. Most of you know that I have a strict policy about not weighing anywhere but WW and next week we will not be having a meeting either....so I won't know for another two weeks just what I have done. Hopefully I will have time to turn myself around....get back on track, and start making some good progress. I do have some rather tough goals for myself and I am hoping not to disappoint. There is lots of working out in my future this week. Look out legs....you're gonna be an achin'! That goes for you too abs, arms and thighs!

So yesterday while I was at the gym with the intention of working out 90 min. and only managing 60 (can anyone say wimp?) I was thinking about the people that might read my blog  and need or want to take some action in their lives of the exercising/gym nature, but are afraid. Okay....maybe afraid is not the word. Maybe the word is nervous, anxious, or possibly down right terrified. I am amazed at the number of people that lived through the 80's and still have never stepped inside a gym. Or perhaps the case is.....you just haven't stepped inside a gym since the 80's! Whatever the case....maybe I can help you.

Now I go to the DRC which stands for the Derby Recreation Center. It is set up as most YMCA's are. There is a track, a pool, and a really nice workout area with a weights side and an equipment side fully stocked with ellipticals, treadmills, stair climbers and many other get in shape goodies. They also have a large (most likely regulation) basketball gym. I can confidently tell you....I have used it all and there is not part of it that can't get you on the right track to being a healthier you. If your issue is that you don't want to go because you feel too large or clumsy and don't want to feel like others are looking at you and judging....not to worry. There are people that work out that are all sizes and shapes and all age and skill levels. If your issue is you wouldn't know where to begin....most gyms as at the DRC, have a help desk and the people behind those desks (trained professionals on each piece of equipment that their gym houses) can walk you through the equipment and help to familiarize you with it for no extra charge.

If price is a factor...then check out the Y's or local gyms in your area. Many times Y's have sliding fees to join based on income....and smaller gyms like the DRC, offer special pricing to those who live and work within the city limits and/or school district. Perhaps what you are looking for is motivation which you don't feel that you can provide yourself. Most gyms have personal trainers on staff that for an additional hourly rate, will work with you and you alone to help you get yourself on the right training track and help you to start heading down a healthier path. And finally....maybe you think you might feel better amidst a group of people training along side you....rather than trying to do it yourself. Most gyms hold classes 2-3 times a week on everything from yoga and stretching, to step aerobics, regular aerobics, pilates, body sculpting, zumba (very fun might I add), spinning, and boot camps. Classes are a great way to blend in and still get a great work out.

My suggestion to you is....whether you are a novice who has never stepped foot in a gym or someone who just hasn't visited one in a while....NOW is the best time to start getting your work out on. 

Before hitting the gym, be sure and check with your dr. Make sure everything checks out A-OK and ask him/her if they have any guidelines on how you should start a workout program. Then put down the remote and the computer mouse and get off that couch or out of that chair and get moving. Start out slow and gradually increase. It has been proven time and time again that exercising just 30 min. a day can lower both blood pressure and cholesterol, help digestion, give you a better nights sleep, help to keep you from having the mid afternoon sleepies.....and give you an over all healthier body.

Also...don't stick with just aerobic exercise (i.e. treadmill, elliptical, walking, zumba, etc) also add a little weight to your workout. Give yourself a day or two a week where you add weight machines or dumbbells to your workout to help build muscle and burn even more calories. If you are a woman and worry that weights might make you look too bulky when all is said and done....don't. Use lighter weights (10#'s or under) and do 10-12 counts with no more than 3 reps per time. This will give you the tone, unflabby arms you want without looking like She-Woman!

Bottom line is....in most cases regardless of our weight, health issues, or stamina.....there is usually some kind of exercise we can do to increase our health benefits and move forward in a healthier fashion. Hopefully these words from a seasoned gym rat (you will get that reference only if you were a mall rat of the 80's and 90's), might just be the motivation you need to give a workout facility a try. Remember....there is nothing to fear but fear itself....oh.....and tight spandex!

The Change of Dysfunction

If you are interested in today's read....you might get yourself some tea and sit back and relax...cause this could take awhile. This may seem a bit like whining....or maybe even a lot like whining, but the reality (I believe) is....that I am processing through writing.

I have spent the last 48 hours wondering where my happiness went. Friday and Saturday I felt REALLY happy and then I hit the ground face first. What is going on? Where is my bliss; my joy; my happiness? I believe it was sucked out of me along about Sunday afternoon and this action continued until about 11 p.m. last night. I know what the situation is and I think I know why.....I just simply don't know how to change things. Or maybe it is that I just don't have the energy to change things,. I am not sure which it is.

Where in the heck am I going with all of this....and more over...why you might ask? Because this blog is about struggle. It is about how hard it is to make a change...whether it is a change in how you eat, a change in your life, or simply....a change of mind. Change is hard and it becomes infinitely harder when you have a lagging or non-existent support system and you continually get dragged through the muck.

I started this particular blog because I knew I was not the only one with issue out there and when you combine those issues with an effort to change.....there can be problems, stumbling stones, and great big crevices in life that cause you to question why you are even trying to change. Sometimes though, knowing someone else is also trying to beat the odds and conquer their personal demons and issues....and actually see them succeeding helps to make your own journey easier. I was hoping that maybe this blog might do that for someone....some day.  Maybe that is why I think it is okay to sort of bare my soul here and allow others to know that I fight internal battles just like everyone else....and contrary to popular belief, I am neither strong nor amazing....but merely weak and human!

Let me admit right up front that I am as dysfunctional as the day is long. I took my first breath amongst dysfunction and I have been breathing in the fumes of the dysfunctional ever since. It just is what it is. I grew up with a father whose beliefs about women made cavemen look progressive and because of this I was taught by him that women were weak, incapable and pretty much a pain that men put up with for the sole reason of furthering the family lineage. In fact the words "You will never amount to anything"....still fly from his lips on a regular basis when he is speaking to me.  My mother too had some outdated beliefs, but she always made it a point to support me. She set the example that anyone could do anything they had to.....because they had to. I grew up with a mom who could garden, cook, clean, repair and plumb. Not because she liked to, but because she had to. You do what you have to do. I thought my mom was Superman and Wonder Woman all wrapped up in a neat little package. It wasn't until I was much older that I learned that the visual Mom gave the world of herself....was a far cry from whom she was on the inside. On the inside....she struggled. She fought her demons and she lived with a man in her life who never once supported her and who always made her feel that her best was never going to be near enough. The difference between Mom and I was, she fought the notion that she wasn't good enough (because her up bringing had been far different and she had been brought up with the belief that with an education...anyone could do anything). I on the other hand fell hook, line and sinker into the muddied waters of belief that I wasn't good enough and never would be, and that I would always need someone to take care of me and no matter what I ever did, I would never be worthy of  praise. Not until I met the man who would literally turn my world inside out and who showed me that it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me....only what I thought of myself did the shadow of dysfunction start to lift. Thank you my dear Tim....I only wish you were still with me to help me keep that lesson fresh in my mind.

Now where are we going with all of this? Oh yeah! I have fallen back into the dysfunction pit! I am allowing those around me (whom might I add are as dysfunctional if not more so than myself) to dictate how I feel about me. It is ludicrous....and yet...it is what it is.

Since the first of this year I have been trying to make change. REAL change!  I am trying to change everything from my health, to my looks; how I react to David's seizure's and David's health; and how I view the world and also....how I experience it. Since these are all fairly significant changes....I have truly tried to avoid those that can bring me down or derail my positive efforts. This has meant a lot of staying away from family. This is a double edged sword, as my father is in his 80's and staying away from him means losing time with him in his last years. It also means the kids missing out on their grandfather. I have jumped through hoops and tried gently to make my father understand that his words and actions cause pain, drama and extremely hard feelings. Apparently he doesn't care....as he has no desire or plans to change and it leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place where family unity is concerned.

There is also a sibling involved here...whom I am not sure what to think of. I know he has always thought very little of me, and has never evolved to the maturity level where he understands that at 40 something....I am not the same person I was at 20 something. In his defense in my younger days....I probably was a raving b!tch. I wanted things my own way and I rebelled every chance I got. I also grew up. It wasn't too long ago that he sat in front of my father and my kids and out of the blue....proceeded to tell me that anything bad that has ever happened to me I brought on myself and I deserved. You can imagine my shock to hear those words come from a family member. He even shocked my dad that day. Who thinks like that? Who honestly believes that another person deserves to lose people they love? Apparently I am irredeemable in his eyes. Sad too, because even with all the drama he apparently likes to keep going....I really have tried hard to cultivate a relationship there. I wanted my kids to know their family and to have a strong support system. My efforts always fall to the way side with this person.

Then there is the son. I love him dearly...more than he will probably ever understand....but honestly there is a wall there. I have seen this child through drugs, alcohol, bad choices, bad behavior and somehow in his eyes....it always comes out as being my fault. Somehow his bad choices always come back to me. Even when I try to help, he tells me I am  mean, rude, and yes...he even called me immature. Again....my efforts seem to constantly be in vain and really.....it can wear on a person.

Many conclusions can be drawn from all that I have expressed here. Perhaps the men in my family are just not quite right (although I still hold out hope for the two youngest). Maybe the issue is me. Maybe the men in my family and I just don't mesh. Maybe we will always be oil and water and in order to have a relationship I will either have to ignore it all....or simply walk away. And maybe and I honestly believe this to be the case....my father grew up and has remained an unhappy person all of his life. He in turn passed this on to my sibling through his own special brand of dysfunction making my sibling feel like he was somehow less, inadequate and like the only way he could feel better about himself was to find someone to use as a verbal punching bag and ultimately....to stand in judgment of others. And finally....the son is a product of years of being told by the elder men in his family that his mother was somehow lacking, unfit, and unworthy to be listened to and respected and yet neither of those two men want to take credit for their work. In fact both have turned their backs on  him viewing his indiscretions as my fault and mine alone. Yes...I would say family unity is but a distant dream in this dysfunctional unit.

Again...where was I going with all of this? Oh yes...my happiness! Yes...I allowed my happiness to be robbed in the last 48 hours by not one of these men...but all three. I allowed myself to feel somehow less through no fault of my own because they are unhappy individuals who need the drama of causing grief in my life to keep them feeling good about themselves. Harsh? Absolutely...but sadly true.

I have allowed them to derail my efforts at eating right (yes...there was cheesecake involved), getting to the gym and over all how I feel about myself. If I continue to allow this, then I have no one to blame but myself for going backward instead of forward and I am just as guilty if not more so than they are for the fall out. Since I obviously have issues with these men and their effects on my life.....I must draw boundary lines. I must do it for myself and the two younger ones living under my roof. I must use what my mother tried so hard to teach me and realize that it is not me that is lacking...but them. Perhaps my efforts at change make them feel less, yet I have never tried to make any of them feel that way. I am just striving to be the happiest me I can be. I think I deserve to give myself that.  Whatever the case though....moving forward sometimes means letting go of anchors and cleansing ones soul of the impurities that clog the heart. While it sounds rather unpleasant to call family members anchors and compare them to impurities.....I have no other adjectives that seem to fit better.

So what do I do? Today I move forward. I let go of the ambivalence and move towards what is healthy and good. I don't just look for my happiness....but I must have faith that I will find it and once found....that I will hold onto it.

Change is a good thing....and understanding the need for it is even better. Maybe now I can move ahead to a less dysfunctional me....and a very happy tomorrow!

Til we meet again....thanks for listening!

And the Crowd Goes Wild!

Drum role please (drum rolls in back ground).....1.5 lbs. GONE! (And the crowd goes wild!) Okay....maybe there is no drum or crowd for that matter....but the 1.5 lbs gone is REAL! That's right! Apparently all my working out paid off and over rode my Ghirardelli  indiscretion of a couple of nights ago! You cannot imagine how happy I am tonight!

Of course I did try to go into today with a positive attitude. I was positively NOT going to go to WW and weigh in. I just knew I had blown it and would have to live with the consequences of chocolate over indulgence. The thought of what that scale might say was almost more than I could deal with. I bucked up though.....and talked myself off the refusing to weigh in ledge and decided that not weighing would not change the numbers one way or another...but it might in fact actually set me up to fail further. So this morning, I decided to at least dress like I felt positive and I wore one of my really cute pairs of heels. Little fun fact here.....I am actually losing weight in my feet and my heels look cute again! Yay me!

I couldn't stay for the entire WW meeting tonight....which I am pretty sure the other attendees were much relieved about. Cause you just know had I stayed.....regardless of how much weight anyone else had lost.....I would had to have made it ALL about me....and my 1.5 lbs. Fortunately for all involved....I had cheesecakes to make. So I left the meeting and drove promptly to Subway (no time to cook tonight) and after getting the boys their favorites....I got a turkey on wheat, no cheese, lots of veggies and no sauce! Yay me again!

So the binge has passed and I am back on track again. Tomorrow is a new day, new week (for WW anyway) and a new month. I plan on sticking to my points like glue, writing down every morsel that passes my lips and working out until I pass out, puke, or die....or maybe....and this is probably more accurate.....until my one hour timer goes off! But you get my drift. Does anyone else hear the Rocky theme playing in the back ground............

And the Wagon Went Boom!

It is a funny thing. Before I even opened my eyes this morning.....I was blogging in my head again! I knew this meant that there would be more than one blog entry today. Truth be told....I started blogging in my head last night. Why? Because I fell off the WW points wagon with a gigantic thud. Okay...okay....I didn't so much fall off, it was more like....I jumped off....danced around....and then jumped off again!!! Why oh why do I do such things? Ummmm.....probably because I am human, and a pretty fallible one at that. Oh....and...I WAS HUNGRY!!!! Now we aren't talking just a little hungry....I could have eaten a lot more than I actually did, but I am pretty sure I went way over my daily points. I may even have exceeded my weekly points too. The bad thing is....tomorrow is weigh in day! I have no idea what possesses me sometimes.

I have continued the workouts...although after last nights little binge....all I did today was a quick 20 minute elliptical workout. Should have been more....but it wasn't. I have a new and unexpected situation occurring. What situation you ask? Knee pain! I know it is not arthritis or anything like that....as it has only happened since I have been upping the exercise game. I know it is workout related and probably because I don't stretch like I should before and after the working out. It is not like excruciating pain...it is just like a dull ache that is mostly at night and early morning. Actually....after I do a workout...they usually feel pretty good. Still....I don't want to cause myself injury or make it so that I can't work out....so I am trying to baby them a bit (thus the 20 minutes this morning)!

Yesterday evening...in the midst of gorging on Ghirardelli chocolate....one of Jillian Michaels quotes kept going through my head..."A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul." I couldn't help but think that in my case it should have read...."A bad day for your ego is an even worse day for your waistline," cause I could feel mine expanding with every bite. And yes....yesterday was a bad ego day for me. You see....sometimes we envision ourselves one way (especially when we refuse to use a full length mirror) and then we see a picture of ourselves looking as we actually do. Often times the difference is both stark and depressing, thus went the ego...right out the window, as well as all illusions of how I actually look. Sigh! So what do I do? That's right....binge! Although...I really did think I was hungry!!!!

Part of my issue is....even as faithful as I have tried to be....I don't seem to be shedding pounds very quickly. Granted....by most peoples standards....my workouts are probably wimpy, but unlike a car...I can't go 0 to 60 in 2.2. I have to gradually work myself into the hard stuff or else I will wind up in traction. I have been increasing bit by bit.....but maybe it is time to really start nailing the workouts. Another Jillian quote comes to mind..... "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!" While none of those three sounds like a viable choice...I do understand the sentiment behind the quote. I NEED to push myself harder! Oy!

There could also be an issue with my thyroid that is holding me back. I have hypothyroidism and am on medication. In fact I have been for years, but perhaps my dosage needs to be adjusted. Of course this would require me going to a dr....which I don't currently have. Mine moved on (coincidence? Probably not!) It would also cost me money that thanks to the Dept. of Ed...I don't currently have, but the fact that it might help me lose weight should override my reasons for not going. Perhaps I will see who is available at the Wichita Clinic and go get my thyroid checked.  I guess it couldn't hurt!

Okay....so I have stumbled.......or more accurately fallen on my face. I can stay down or I can pull myself up and move forward. I think the wise choice is to move forward. While March has not been a stellar weight loss month....it has been positive in the fact that I am working out regularly and I do in fact feel much better and sleep much better. I have also finally got it figured out how important it is to keep track of what I eat and not just assume I am counting my point correctly. I guess this falls in line with my final Jillian quote..."Why choose to fail when success is an option?" Good question!

Well tomorrow is weigh in day and I am sure I will reap what I sowed this week and this week I sowed a whole heck of a lot of Ghirardelli chocolate, so I am sure my numbers are going to shoot up like a bullet. The upside is....Friday starts a new WW week and a new month. Besides, April means spring and we all know....everything just works better in spring!