Permission

Days 20-24

So today we talk....permission! Funny how as kids we can't wait to grow up......thinking that adults do as they please and never have to worry about a thing and never have to answer to anyone. As adults we know that those beliefs could not be further from the truth.  I haven't done what I really wanted to since 1986, I worry about everything and there is always someone to answer to. Believe it or not.....no matter how old you are, you will always answer to your parents. Then there are bosses, bossy friends and various authority figures but the one we have to answer to most often is..... ourselves. It sounds ridiculous but it is true.

By a certain age, our minds and our bodies are pretty intertwined. There is a little voice that seems to always be at a loud roar when we do things deliberately that we shouldn't. Run a yellow light it goes off. Try to wear skinny jeans....it goes off. Eat an entire cheesecake.....it goes off and alerts the neighbors! There is no getting away from it. It is especially loud and annoying when you make goals and instead of working on those goals, you lie on the couch and watch tv. That voice gets so loud sometimes that I have to turn the tv up even louder to drown it out. The truth is....I hate having to answer to me and it is one reason that I get down on myself at times......because I know better than to do what I am doing and that inner voice is proof of it. It is especially frustrating when I know that my goals are either too lofty to achieve as I have imagined them or unforeseen situations happen to derail me.....like a kid in the hospital. At these times....that voice can be unmerciful and then I just give up feeling like a failure. It sucks!

So of late I have set some daily goals and sometimes those goals have been achieved minute by minute, but I have yet to give up on them. Yes....the voice is there but I keep it muzzled to a point by just pushing forward and working on mind, body and soul daily. Yesterday though....I was tired. I had gone to church Saturday evening and I had planned to allow myself to sleep in yesterday morning....which I did. However, even after sleeping in to a enjoyable 8 a.m. I still couldn't manage to drag myself out of bed. My eyes kept closing and I kept drifting back to sleep. Finally I did force myself out of bed but I had zero motivation. On top of that I was feeling crappy inside because that voice was going off sounding to me much like the robot from Lost in Space. "Danger! Danger Lisa E! You are about to fall off the track and disappoint the world because you are not achieving your goals!" I could feel the frustration and disappointment start to fill me up, along with already feeling blah! This usually sends me into a tailspin of bad health choices and a derailment of at least a day or two. Yesterday though.....I stopped it before it got started. How you ask? By giving myself permission to have one day to do anything I wanted.....even if that was doing nothing and even if that meant eating an entire cheesecake.

Funny how just telling yourself "It's okay," changes everything. Of course I had to mentally talk it out with myself and include a time line, flow chart and a 500 word essay on why I deserved a day off....but in the end....it was as if a weight had been lifted. Just knowing that I could lay around all day if I wanted to gave me energy and knowing that I could eat what I wanted without guilt seemed to curb my appetite. Who knew? So yesterday I rested, enjoyed a small piece of pie and still managed to handle some laundry and had everything laid out and everyone ready for today before I went to bed! It was a win all the way around.

No, we never get away from the voice. It is both our conscience and our guide and sometimes our beacon in the dark when we find ourselves at a crossroad. At times though, we give it too much say, too much control and we have to rein it in a bit. Giving myself permission for a day of nothingness was the key and today I am back on track, rested and ready to get this party started.

Because I am in a pretty good state of mind today I took my 4 lb weight gain in stride this week. I knew it was coming because I was on a steroid regimen for a week and I always gain weight when I am on them. Since I saw this coming I knew that today would be a great day to start a juice cleanse. I started today with a green smoothie and will drink healthy juices only for the next three days. By then that 4 lb gain will only be a memory and hopefully that will be one of the last weight spikes I have this year! Wish me luck. Now....lets all go eat a stalk of celery! (Mine will be juiced!)



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