Showing a Little Love

Boy...this blog has sure been unloved this month. Of course...all my blogs have been. Life has just been too busy to blog! I know....how could I say such a thing? It is true though.

Amazingly....instead of thrusting me into a head long depression like I thought it might....being laid off has been exceptionally good for me. I am actually very happy and very productive. In fact....it is rare that I sit down in a day. You would think with all the moving I do...that the weight would be falling off of me. Much to my dismay, this is not the case. In the last two weeks I have gained a pound. Had I been sitting around at a desk all day...I am sure it would have been more like 4 lbs, but I am still not happy that I haven't been taking care of business where my weight is concerned. The fact is...I have been so busy that I haven't taken time to eat right, write down my points or work out. Two weeks into this whole being at home and baking cheesecakes thing though...and I think I am starting to master time management.

This morning after stepping on the scales and being filled with mixed emotions of sadness because I gained for a second week and completely being thrilled that I hadn't gained more....I immediately put myself in a mental time out and then got myself back on track. I am writing down everything (it works...trust me) and I went to the gym. Once again my mind tried to make me overdue with the whole working out thing, but after another mental time out....I worked out sensibly. I can't afford to do anything stupid like injure myself at this stage of the game.

Time is speeding by and I foresee this year not passing in days or even weeks....but more like huge chunks. We are already at March's door step and then I won't be conscious of time again until David's surgery. Time will then catapult me into summer, then Old Settlers, then my class reunion.....then that birthday with the unbelievably huge number....and then Christmas. In just a few chunks I will be staring 2013 squarely in the eye. That being said....I will be staring at it in a different body and I am bound that the next half century (as depressing as that sounds) is going to be fantastic.

Well...love has been shown and now it is time to get back to the speed that has become my life. Hopefully by this time next week...the workouts will have kicked in and there will be some "happy" numbers to report. One can only hope!

One Hurdle at a Time

If we really look at the facts and pay attention to what the numbers and statistics tell us, we are living in the fattest nation in the world and we are the fattest generation ever. WOW! The numbers are staggering but it is too early to be shoving them at you. Suffice it to say that the life longevity we have gained through science and medicine is quickly being swallowed up by our eat on the run, fast food, super-size it mentality. Not a very pretty picture this early on a Monday morning....especially after Super Bowl weekend where large quantities of alcohol and food were likely consumed. Sigh.

Add to all of this the fact that the older we get the harder it is for the weight to come off and it is enough to make a plus size model sit down and cry! Again with the facts....we know that every second past 35 that we hold extra weight on our bodies means that we are fighting a losing battle for our ultimate health. Even 10-15 extra pounds starts putting us at risk for heart disease, stroke, cancer and possibly an early grave. It also means that we start losing our flexibility and the gravitational pull of the earth has just that much more to pull.....meaning everything will drift south just that much faster. It is hard on our bones our organs and our self esteem. These are hard truths to put your mind around....especially when your mind wants us to see you as you looked a quarter of a century ago. Again....sigh!!!

I have been playing the passive aggressive weight game for years. I have chided myself as I licked the cheesecake bowl and sat on the couch watching Wii Sports instead of participating, wondering why the weight wasn't just slipping off. I have joined Weight Watchers time and again....refusing to be honest with my points or to even write them down and have been dumbfounded week after week as the numbers just didn't go in my favor. In truth....I have been playing with the exact same 10 pounds for several years and trust me...there is much more than 10 pounds that needs to be gone.

So what have I learned? Well...this year my age becomes a number that shouldn't define me....but somehow does. This year I have several big events coming up and this year my son is undergoing a life changing event and for me....this means change needs to come and it is now or never! Granted...I want that change for my self esteem. I want to look in the mirror and see only one chin. I want someone to take a picture of me and me not to cringe when I see it. I want to see people I haven't seen for 30 years and not have them walk away going....."damn that girl has let herself go!" Most of all though...I want to be healthy and strong so that I can see my son through his surgery, help him recuperate and be the strong mom he deserves not the mom who can't do what needs to be done because her back hurts or she is out of breath. I also know somewhere deep down inside that if I don't do this now.....it might never get done!

I have officially been on WW a full month this time....and this time it really feels different. Before....I was never all in. I have rebelled and only been willing to put so much effort into my journey in the past. I would not write down what I ate or keep track of my points, telling myself I knew where I was at....and constantly going over. I refused to try WW recipes or to lighten up my own. I also did not incorporate WW with any kind of exercise and all of my past efforts have ended up a bust. Maybe because there is so much more on the line this time or maybe because I have something to prove to myself....but right here....right now....I am starting to see real change in me.

I will admit that the exercise has not come yet, but next week new things are happening in my life and exercise will be a priority. As for the WW though...I AM LOSING!!! No it is not miraculous....it has been work, but not hard work. I simply gave into the idea that millions have lost weight on WW but not by rebelling or refusing to do what is tried and true. So I am writing it down and keeping track of my points. I will admit that I am not 100% yet, but I am a good 80% and that is better than I have ever been. The work is showing through. The first two weeks both showed losses. The third week was a slight gain, but I expected it. That was the week David had his first Shriners visit in St. Louis and we spent several days with my mother in law. There were tacos, carrot cake, pineapple upside down cake and other goodies. I went with intentions of being good but half way through....I gave up. However.....I did watch what I ate and tried to make healthier choices or eat smaller portions. The end result was a pound and a half gain. I was not even disappointed because I knew next week I would do better...and better I did. This week I came back with a 3.5 pound loss, and that was with Super Bowl goodies thrown in!!!! Of course they were lighter versions and healthier choices. See...I am catching on!!!

I am finally getting the hang of this thing and I have a couple of pretty lofty goals ahead for myself. While I am over the moon at this weeks loss, I am still in the midst of that 10 pounds I continuously seem to play with. Not until I have gotten beyond that will I be truly doing the happy dance and I am sure wherever you are.....you will be able to hear my shouts of joy the minute I am a gram under that 10 pounds. As I said though...that 10 pounds is just the tip of the ice berg. David's next appointment in St. Louis is mid March and I hope to see a substantial loss by then. However it is the appointment after that which is the biggie. In mid April he will be having a major surgery which will require on my part a great deal of both physical and mental strength along with stamina and down right good health. His recovery will be a couple of months and then there will be lots of physical therapy for months to come after that. For all of this I need to be in fighting condition and the only one that can ensure I am there is.....this girl! 

So what does all of this mean? It means starting this time next week I will be doing safe and healthy workouts with both a mixture of cardio and weights. I will continue to write if I bite it and continue to try new light and healthy recipes to fight the boredom of eating the same thing every day. I have a WW cookbook which is 4 ingredient meals in 10 minutes. I love it and the food is REALLY good. There is absolutely no reason that I should backslide this time....especially when I have so much riding on success.

So I guess today I am just a little bit proud. I have had a modicum of success this week and it is spurring me to keep at it. I know that the road is going to be fairly long and I am not even over the first hurdle. Heck.....the finish line is so far away it is not even in my sights, but at least this time I am running and rather than looking for the finish line....right now I just have my sights set on the next hurdle and maybe......that is how I will win this race. One hurdle at a time!!!!

A Milestone

Well....I have hit a milestone. I lost 1.6 pounds this last week and I have gotten my first milestone star of 5 pounds. I have officially lost a sack of potatoes. Woo Hoo! Honestly....I was not sure the scales would show a loss. I gave up on exercise last week after Monday, Friday I ate over my points and Saturday and Sunday I stayed within my points but didn't make great choices in what I ate. I was mentally prepared for a gain. Yeah....this weekend was kind of stressful. Why? It just was. Probably the mental preparation for going to St. Louis, the nagging worry that they might not be able to help David once we are there and just a million other little things that go with living in Lisaland. Several times over the weekend I had the I don't give a sh!t! feeling. But I tried my best to persevere. Truth is though....that if I had made better choices, the loss numbers might have been greater. As it is though.....I am good with 1.6 pounds and when I have made it through this current week, it will be much easier to get down to business with continuing to make changes and get serious about working out.

This week is going to be another week where my will to change is going to have to override my stress levels and my need for comfort food. Today and tomorrow will be all about  getting everything ready and not forgetting anything. That is stressful in itself. Then the trip. It is an 8 hour trip and long road trips stress me. (I also haven't forgotten my last trip where I got lost in East Hell and thought I would never find my way out.) Once there....my mother in law is a fantastic cook and I know she will be conjuring some wonderful food because she is celebrating Z's birthday and then there is going to be family in and out. The beauty of WW is that I can eat what everyone else eats....I just have to decide how much and what I want to use my points on. Finally...we will be running all the time, so normal eating times and meals won't always be possible. I also know that a trip to Steak n' Shake is on the agenda. I looked at the online menu and I have decided the only thing I can have on there and stay within my points is a glass of water. Even their salads have ridiculous points. I could feel my arteries clogging just reading the menu.

The last three weeks and especially the last few days have taught me that I can do this! I have a goal and I keep it pictured in my head and I can meet that goal if I want it bad enough. I have what it takes I just have to want my goal more than I want the second helping or the huge slice of cake.

Well...I am off today and I have a list longer than my arm of things I must do. Organization will help keep the stress down, but to be quite honest...laying down and going back to sleep would make me so happy right now! Not gonna happen though. Guess I am ready to get this day into full swing and to keep myself on track. Wish me luck! Oh and....Yay me on my milestone!!!!

So....About Last Night.......

So....about last night......

Well Z turned sixteen yesterday and last night my house was inundated with high school kids. This morning my house smells of teen and shame. The shame is on my part. Okay....really I shouldn't be ashamed because I did fairly well, but I didn't do as well as I had hoped I would do. What the heck am I talking about? Keep reading!

They say it takes 28 days of repetitive behavior for a habit to form. While I had not hit the 28th day yet, apparently I was far enough in to be getting the thinking right. As I said....yesterday the Z-man turned 16. He was planning on a night of friends, karaoke and then his guy friends staying the night. The festivities started right after school and I came home with pizza, soda and cake. Just what I was thinking in purchasing sugar for already uber hyper teens is a mystery to us all, but I did. Z has kids over quite often for these little all nighters but last night was a larger scale. I think there were about 20 kids in and out throughout the evening and about 15 guys ended up staying the night. Right here let me give a shout out to Little Ceasars Pizza. I was able to get six large pizza's for $30 which more than fed all the kids. LC has pepperoni, sausage and cheese pizza's in the large size ready to go for $5 a piece and their pizza is good. Any place else I would have paid at least twice that. For a budgeted mom.....it was awesome. Now....back to our story.....

So for nineteen days I have been a model Weight Watcher girl. I have been hyper vigilant on my points and haven't veered once. Last night though....some of the old thinking of (I don't give a sh!t...I want cake) started rearing its ugly head. Luckily I recognized the thought process and behavior and put it in check before any catastrophic damage was done. I had done my points carefully throughout the day so that I would be able to have two slices of pizza (cheese and sausage were 5 points each) and a slice of cake (7 points). Once those were used up....I was actually full. Then it began.

It was a Friday night and the kids were coming in and out of my front door as if it were revolving. Z was super charged with it being his birthday and all the other kids followed suit. The minute the cake and soda started hitting their systems my house and yard became very energetic and loud. They weren't doing anything wrong....they were all just wound up. They were chasing each other up the stairs, running through the yard and being super loud wherever they went. It had been a long week and I could feel my nerves starting to twitch. Soon they wanted to head to the ball game and then go karaoke. Since Z is now 16 he can drive without restrictions and he was preparing to take a couple of kids in his car. My stomach was in knots as they took off. Once I knew they had reached their destination....my body went right in for the kill. I grabbed a piece of pizza and a piece of cake. Immediately I felt alarms going off in my body. I kept telling myself that I didn't care. I had been really good and tomorrow I would get back on track. I deserved this after all. My son just turned 16! All these thoughts were trying to block out the sound of WARNING LISA! YOU ARE ABOUT TO DERAIL YOURSELF!!!! As I sat down and took my first bite of pizza.....the warning took a hold. I said....What am I doing? I was not hungry, I was stressed. I was worried. I was tired and I wanted some comfort, but I was NOT hungry. Since I was feeling all these emotions I allowed myself two bites of pizza and two bites of cake. David happily ate the rest.

Yes...I went over my points a bit and I made sure I documented it, but I didn't do anywhere near the damage that I would have done a month ago. I would have eaten the pizza, the cake and probably had more never looking back and excusing myself because I was stressed. So now....it will probably take me another 28 days until I have the thinking completely down, but I can see that I have changed my thought processes dramatically. In fact I have been trying to figure out how I can change my eating the next two days so I can stay full and still cut back a bit. After all....Monday is weigh in day.

The rest of the party went fine....although I haven't had the nerve to go down and do an actual body count yet. The sugar kept them wired until well after 1 a.m.. and between that and our house getting TP'd no one got much sleep until close to 2. Oh well....16 only comes once and in the words of the great John Mellencamp "hold onto sixteen as long as you can....changes come around soon to make us women and men!"

So while I wasn't perfect....I was pretty darn good and I am proud of myself to know that I am finally not only physically trying to make changes but the mental is starting to change too. Will this be my last stumble? Of course not. Change does not come over night and it is not without its uphill battles from time to time. If change was easy....I would have done it a long time ago. As it is.....some days are giant leaps and others are the tiniest of baby steps. As long as none of those steps go backward....then I am good with the journey.

Defying Gravity

Well...it is really really official that I am fine. I had my follow up exam this morning with my doctor and I was given a clean bill of health. What a huge relief. So now on to what this particular blog is all about....Happy ME!!! Well okay let us say....trying to be a healthy me!

Today ended week two of me actually doing Weight Watchers the way it was intended. After two full weeks of sticking to my points like glue...I have lost 4 lbs. It is not exactly a Biggest Loser loss, but trust me, I will take it. This weight was lost with me eating only within my points and drinking lots of water. There was absolutely no exercise involved. While it is a loss...in my book there is more to a healthy body than weight loss. I feel like as much as I hate exercise and holy batman I truly do......it is necessary to make everything function at its peak. So today I began. Sigh!!!

I was still on the fence as I crawled from my bed this morning as to whether working out was going to happen today or not. I then decided just not to think about it and do it. As I was driving to the gym I made up my mind that this workout was going to be an easing into it workout and not a crazy workout where I end up feeling awful or hurt myself and then I don't want to do it again. I limited myself to 10 minutes of walking and 20 minutes on the elliptical. Man...I thought I was going to die. Missing all those months sure does show. I am going to try to workout at least 4 times this week. It will be a gradual progression back into the workouts I need to be doing. It will also be interesting next Monday to see what WW and working out combined do for the numbers.

So since I am doing this...I thought I would share info as I go. This maybe a recipe, a workout or just something that works for me and maybe will work for you. Today what I am sharing is water. Most people do not drink enough water and it shows in their skin and in overall how they feel. I try to drink 6-8 glasses a day. When I do it like I should then my body definitely tells me when it feels dehydrated. I can feel it in my lips (they start chapping), in the dryness of my skin and even in how my hair looks. So one day as I was playing on Pintrest I found this really interesting recipe for water from Jillian Michaels. It is actually super water as it cleanses the liver as well as body impurities. It is also great for people who really don't like the taste of water. Michaels recommends drinking this for 7 days as a way to help with weight loss numbers. The drink is simple:
Mix 60 oz of purified (bottled) water with
1 dandelion tea bag (you can get these at most GNC's or online at GNC)
1 Tbsp sugar free cranberry juice
2 Tbsps. lemon juice
Drink it throughout the day and drink it all.
The drink does not have a bad flavor and it is actually thirst quenching. It is also your recommended amount of daily water. My David who is not a fan of water will guzzle the stuff. The added bonus that I have found is that sometimes when walking or working out my fingers tend to swell a bit and they don't when I drink this. And this is great for not only someone on a diet but also women who bloat at that time of the month and anyone who needs to up their amount of daily water. It you try this...let me know what you think.

So a new year and a new healthier chapter has begun in my life. So much is happening this year a reunion, a birthday and with any luck multiple trips to St. Louis to improve Davids life. I want to be fit and healthy for it all. As I was working out this morning a song came on my playlist an I decided to make it my theme song for the week. We all need a soundtrack to our lives and this week...this is mine. I really think I might just try defying gravity!

Preach a Little....Teach a Little

Phewwwww! In case you haven't already heard.....I AM FINE! No....not in the bragging sort of way. I am fine in the my girls have no lumps sort of way. Maybe this means I will actually get a good nights sleep tonight full of no dreams or at the very least peaceful dreams.

As scared as I was....and I was definitely scared....the clean bill of health made all of the fear worth it. It also gave me some good life lessons and I am about to preach a little to all the wonderful women who read this and the wonderful men who read this who have women in their lives that they love.

I found my lump by doing a regular self breast exam. I am a firm believer that women should start these as young as possible. The reason for this is that whether you realize it or not....your fingers get to know your breasts. Once a doctor gave me some kind of a gel filled bag and said that in it were lump/knots of varying sizes. He told me to feel around on the bag until I could find all the lumps. I was only able to feel the largest one. The rest were undetected. He said this bag was a facsimile of a woman's breast. I felt then and there that if that is how hard it was to find breast lumps...I would never even know if I had one. I was wrong. The more exams you do....the more familiar you are with what should and shouldn't be under you fingers. Twice I have found lumps and twice they were actually something....just not cancerous tumors. The first time was a cyst that just burst/dissolved on its own. Today there was actually something there but it is just under the skin like a small clogged duct. So in both cases my fingers did feel something that was there and shouldn't be. Because of all of this....I will continue to be vigilant in my self exams (I do the 1st of every month).

Second...when you reach the age of 40, regardless of how clean your family history is....get regular mammograms. If you have a active family history of breast cancer, your doctor may advise you to start even earlier. While mammograms are not particularly a fun way to spend a half hour or so.....they can be life saving (especially if you are not great at doing the self exams). For those who have as yet to experience a mammogram: in a screening mammogram an x-ray machine is used to take pictures of your breasts. Before all is said and done, your girls do feel quite squished (I am now a AA thanks to this mornings activities) but the few seconds of discomfort are worth it to hear the doctor say "All is well." After a screening mammogram you are then allowed to leave and your results are sent to your doctor. If you do feel a lump or something is found on the screening mammogram, then a diagnostic mammogram is done.  A diagnostic mammogram is much like the screening only a little more in depth making sure to take pictures of the suspicious place. Following the diagnostic you are ask to wait until the radiologist reads your films. Usually if there is a question following the films a sonogram is done on the area. After the radiologist reads those too....then you are invited back and the radiologist gives your their findings. This is usually followed by a follow up visit with your doctor in which you and your doctor discuss the results. If something has been found then a biopsy is usually done to determine whether it is a cyst or a tumor and if a tumor what kind. If it is the worst case scenario then you and your doctor form a game plan to remove the tumor and get you healthy.

The important thing to remember is that breast cancer and colon cancer are two VERY curable cancers because with proper screening, both can be caught in early stages and survived. Late stage cancers that have gone unscreened and undetected are the ones where the mortality rate is very high. As women....we owe it to ourselves and the other women we love to keep up with these screenings. If you are a man....let the women in your life know just how much you love them by encouraging them to stay proactive with their health. A few minutes once a month and a half hour once a year really isn't too much to do to ensure a healthy future and peace of mind.

Okay the lesson and preaching are over. I am fine and David gets to go to Shriners on schedule with a healthy mama! Now it is time to get down to the business of getting really healthy and changing less than stellar habits. Still through it all....I have been a good little Weight Watcher girl even though I have not had the desire to workout this week. Next week though....will be a different story. I plan on changing my destiny one day at a time!

Life is Interesting

Life is a lot of things, but I would have to say one thing that sticks out the most is that life is interesting. More interesting than that is how we humans handle the more "interesting" times life provides us. I myself throw emotional tantrums when life gets interesting in a way that makes me scared, mad or just plain unhappy. People don't see me do it outwardly but on the inside I tend to fall apart. My mind races to the worst possible place or shuts down altogether and something inside me screams out about the injustice of it all.That is when I look for the most self sabotaging things I can find. When I was young it was alcohol. It is flat out amazing that I didn't turn into an alcoholic because I was ticked off and unhappy a lot. As I grew older though and life really swung out of control....food and I started our love/hate relationship. I loved to eat when I was upset but afterwards I hated what the food did to me and the fact that food was where I chose to bury my sorrows. It has taken me a lot of years to admit this stuff but once I admitted it....it seems that I am aware enough of it that I am trying to change. Believe me....this week has been a test.

Since Monday and finding my lump....I have known of two people close to my age that have died of cancer. I have seen nothing but commercials for Cancer Centers of America and since cancer seems to be a hot button here in the USA, I have randomly turned into several TV shows whose main focus was cancer. I am about to put myself into a self-imposed media blackout. Every time I am inundated with this stuff I feel my heart race and apparently my blood pressure is reacting to my stress, because it  has sent it from a nice 117/78 to a not so nice 136/96. It is all just stress, worry and fear. You know...the inner tantrum I was speaking of.

I am somewhat proud of myself though. In all of this....I have not gone off Weight Watchers once. I confess that I have done zero exercise, but I have eaten healthy and not once have I reached for any of my go to comfort foods. Peanut butter is often one of my comfort foods and being on WW peanut butter is acceptable if you can fit into your points. It fit nicely into a peanut butter sandwich the other night on Sara Lee 45 calorie bread. For a mere 5 points....I was comforted. Okay...so maybe I am still reaching a little for the comfort food, but it isn't like I downed a whole carton of Chunky Monkey. In fact....even after my little comfort sammie, I still had points to spare. Yay me!

I did wind up at the doctor yesterday though (my GP) and found out that my back is in fact muscle pain. It appears that lifting a 70+ lb. child  along with carrying my 25 lb. purse and my equally heavy work bag (all on my left side) can cause muscle strain and pain. Who knew????? So we are back to the muscle relaxers. It is feeling magically better today. I have also gotten to take Z to the doctor where he was diagnosed with the latest virus. For two days he has had his head stuck in a trash can as he has dry heaved all his internal organs out.  Hoping tomorrow will be the end of PukeFest 2012 and that David doesn't come down with it.

So you see....I have been a bit preoccupied and other than the media blitz on cancer....I really haven't had much time to dwell. Don't get me wrong....I have gone to and through the worst case scenario in my mind. It wasn't pretty....but seldom do our worst fears come into play. If they do though....I have to have faith that everything will work out the way it is suppose to. There are simply some things we have no control over.

This morning I woke up and felt around for my lump. I know that will be the first thing the x-ray tech will want to know is the location. I couldn't find it. Is it still there and I was just willing myself not to feel it? Has it vanished like the last one? Who knows?! I refuse to get my hopes up nor will I let myself fall apart physically or any further emotionally until I know something. The thing is....tomorrow since it is a diagnostic mammogram and not a screening they will hold me there until the films are read. They will then call me back (they being the radiologist) and tell me what they see or don't see. If they don't see anything.....I am good to go and on my way. However....if they do see something then all I will know is that they do in fact see something. That something could be a fibroid cyst or a tumor. I will then have to wait until Monday to see when I can be scheduled for a biopsy. Once biopsied I will have to wait longer still to see if we are dealing with cancer or not and if we are......what course of action to take. Unless nothing is found tomorrow....I could be sitting on the edge of my seat for some time to come....and anyone who knows me......knows that I am anything but a patient person!!!! Arrrggghhhh

So why all the detail and why do I feel the need to inundate my blog readers with all this stuff? Because.....regardless of the outcome.....I am not the first woman who has gone through all of this and I will not be the last. It is of some comfort to know that others have gone through what you are going through and.......survived! It is nice to know that you are not alone and if you have questions...there might just be someone out there not particularly connected to the medical community that has been there and can help. I have a couple of those people who have been there....done that....and are still here to tell about it. They have been my inspiration and though I am sure they don't know it.....they have helped me not fall apart physically. Maybe someday...I can do the same for someone else. Even if this does prove to be nothing more than a cyst.....the not knowing is enough to drive you mad.

Yeah....life is interesting. It can be smooth or it can knock you off course. It can give you great joy and it can also give you great sorrow. We never know what is just around the bend....be it or good or bad, but with a little bit of faith and wonderful friends and family the road is surely a whole lot easier.