Ready for Some Happy

Life has stepped in and I missed a few days. I gave up working out until I get my life into rhythm. Yeah I know....I may never work out again. No...I will! REALLY!

So I guess that is the bad news. I have not walked or worked out in over a week. The good news is....I have quit riding the couch and have actually bed somewhat productive. Well...until yesterday. Yesterday and today I have had David home. He wasn't acting right yesterday and I was starting to wonder if he was having shunt problems. Today though, after a quiet start, he is back to 100%. He will be going to school tomorrow and I will get back to my regularly scheduled life.

I can tell that in the last couple of days I have felt a little out of sorts myself. I am irritated with the world for no good reason. Other than that though....I feel fine....unless I really start thinking about not feeling fine. Yep...mind over matter. When I am busy though.....all health thoughts seem to be back burnered.

I have been eating much better and there has definitely been no loss of appetite. The kids are happy that I am cooking again too. That slump I was in was really a doozie. Now to move on.

I am really in a mood to organize or at least think about organizing. My house still annoys me and I have done little to make it better. I have got to get myself organized before I can organize anything else. Perhaps that will be this afternoons challenge.....Organize my Life!

Truthfully, I can sort of feel my body evening out and finding its new normal again. Once that happens then maybe things will start falling into place. I am trying to let go of as much negative as possible (both mentally and physically) but obviously my mood states that there is still some residual negativity lingering. Maybe it is the weather or the dogs who keep peeing and puking in my house or maybe it is just me still purging. Whatever.....I am ready for some happy.

Dust in my Rearview Mirror

Yesterday wasn't too bad a day. I feel myself get gritchy though and I am trying to curb that. It is just my nerves getting the better of me. Truly...prayer helps. Yeah I know....how cliche and Christian of me. But it is true.

I veered again last night with a little snacky junk food, but it was better than the night before and another evening or so and I should have the crap all out of my house.....never to return....hopefully! I have been doing amazing on my water drinking too. I can tell the water helps a lot in just how I feel.

Today my corgi Spud was acting a little out of sorts so I took him on the walk with me. There could have been a two fold reason for this. 1) he needed the exercise and 2) I knew with his short legs and the heat, we wouldn't be out long. I was right. We walked about 25 minutes.

This working out that I am doing is forming in stages in my mind. I am starting slow so as to wake the muscles up and not overdue.....thus giving me further excuse to ride the couch. I will not berate myself for a shorter walk than usual and will applaud myself for the effort it sometimes takes me to walk out the door. Every step off the couch and out the door is a step closer to achieving health and fitness. I am trying hard not to make long term or over my skill level goals as I don't want to set myself up to fail. No one knows me better than I know me and I know what works and what doesn't. That being said......there are a couple of longish term goals that I would eventually like to try and hit. One.....I would like to be fit enough to run/walk several races in the next couple of years. Second.....I would like to learn to dance. I figure if Kirstie Alley can do it.....then I should be a shoe-in. Forget that I have no rhythm, no skill and once I hit a dance floor I become petrified and self conscious. I still want to dance!!!!

I also have broken my....I am too lazy to cook thinking and I am starting to fix actual meals again. It has been 3 weeks to a month since I last put any love into my kitchen or my kids food and it is high time I start again. Last night my kids were soooooo happy. I was too.

The walks are actually helping with my anxiety over all of this, along with attending Mass whenever possible, prayer and not allowing myself to go to any dark places in my head. Also.....this blog is helping. This time my efforts are not just on how I want to look, but also how I want to feel and be. I realize that I have little faith in myself and no self-confidence. Somewhere along the line I lost the drive to achieve anything and I lost who I was and who I wanted to be. It is my goal to get all of that back. I am 50 not 80 and I have much left to see, do and experience, but it will never happen if I quit on myself.

So yeah....it is still all about the baby steps. The small goals that right now seem like major hurdles but in time it all will be nothing more than dust in my rear view mirror.

The Plan

So I met with the thoracic surgeon yesterday. I knew I would likely know nothing more than I already did but I was hoping for some peace of mind. Basically what I got was this: if it is cancer....it's not good because there are two spots. Damn! However, my blood work along with everything else about me health wise does not indicate cancer. He highly doubts they are cancerous BUT unless he has them biopsied they won't know anything for sure.

That leads to....they could try and biopsy them now, but as small as they are.....likely they would get a false reading back. Even a PET scan would not be conclusive. So he left it at, if I were his wife....he would say the best course of action is to wait three months, have another CT and see what they look like at that time. Crap! God sure knows how to teach patience! Now to see the endocrinologist on the 25th.

My mind is a horrible place to be right now. Since finding out that I had these spots, my chest hurts, my neck hurts and I feel like crap. Mind you....none of these was remotely true before I got the initial call. Reality tells me that my chest hurts because I am vacationing in anxiety land. My neck hurts for two reasons....one it's all in my head and two I sleep horribly at night and my neck has hurt because of this for years. I feel like crap because I have laid on the couch, felt sorry for myself and tried to eat myself into a grease filled coma. DUH!

Yesterday after going to see the doctor, I was not in the happy place mentally that I had hoped to be, so chips and dip were my friend. Yes, I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't care. Luckily I quit when I started feeling queasy knowing that I was band-aiding one bad issue with another. I then turned to salad and felt a little better.

Last night was not one of my better nights. Although I went to bed at a decent hour, I awoke every hour or so with mosquito bites that not only itched, but hurt. Finally about 4 a.m. it dawned on my to take Benadryl and I found some Benadryl cream. This gave me at least a couple hours of relief and sleep.....and a nice little Benadryl hangover. 

Today I am back. I am mentally pulling down all that I can actually control and putting the rest aside. Oh and there is a lot of prayer. I did walk again today, I have upped my water intake thirty fold and it is my hope that I can keep my hands out of the chip bag and accomplish a few things today. Quite honestly as I began my walk, I wanted to quit. Mentally I was searching for a reason to just turn around and go home. Luckily I am just slightly more plucky than to quit so I started thinking about blogs to write and continued on. I am not walking the five miles that I used to, but I did walk a good 30 minutes and plan on adding to that daily when possible.

A lot can happen in three months. Right now as far as I know I have a couple of tiny freckles on my lung but other than that I have decent blood pressure, good cholesterol numbers and my thyroid should be heading in the right direction. There is no reason to expect the worst. It is however a good time to start focusing on the positive mentally, physically and spiritually and that is just what I plan to do.

Baby Steps

Yep....another very long stretch of denial. I am not publicly (i.e. fb) posting this right now. If you follow me and read this....great. Other than that though, it is the start of yet another journey...this time somewhat privately. I have had my ups and downs with nutrition, exercise, weight loss and health since last I posted. Nutrition I would give myself a "B" on...up until these last couple of weeks. Then there is nothing lower than an "F-" so I guess there will be no grade. Exercise was a "B" but of late is closer to an "F-". Weight loss was a good strong "C" but now it also is an "F-" and health well I am not giving it a grade. My blood work says a good "B+", but a recent MRI and CT say I might be closer to a "D".

Yes, I have yo-yoed on everything and have yet to get to the point where I am really serious about all the above. Two weeks ago I was told that I have two tiny spots on my lung. It put me into an emotional tail spin of epic proportions. I planted my ass on the couch with a cheeseburger and except to go to church, the doctor or bed....I pretty much stayed there. Why my cholesterol wasn't also a number of epic proportions is beyond me.

Maybe I needed the melt down. Maybe that was my rock bottom or close to it. Since the initial finding, I have had both doctors and radiologist say that they are not overly concerned about the spots. However, today I am going to a thoracic specialist to get his opinion. Not sure what I am feeling right now. On the 25th I am also going to an endocrinologist as they also found that I have an enlarged thyroid. Part of me is angry with my mother for all of her years of smoking around me and her really bad genes. Another part of me though is really mad at myself for letting myself go and not caring more about my health, my body, my future and my kids.

Getting a better handle on my spiritual side has given me a bit of introspection as well. I know when I am overwhelmed I just stand in place and stop. In certain ways I have been overwhelmed for thirteen years. I also know this is not the answer and when I break it down for myself it is much easier to deal and go on. This weekend I realized that I can't change the past. Not the last thirteen years, the last month, week or even the last second. All I can do is move forward and sitting on the couch with a burger in hand is not moving forward.

All my inactivity of late and bad eating has A) made me feel like crap and B) made me spend too much time thinking about myself thus thinking I feel worse than I really actually do...I think. The mind is a powerful tool and if left unchecked....it can take you into some really dark places.

I have decided that regardless of what the spots turn out to be (and God help me I hope they are nothing....the same goes for the thyroid) I need to be the best me I can be. My kids deserve that and most of all...I deserve that. I am tired of being on the spin cycle of wanting, trying, giving up and falling back....over and over again. I am ready to take this a second at a time if necessary and for once make a positive change.

In all honesty I am ashamed of myself and I was really ashamed when I stepped on the doctors scales the other day and saw 189 glaring me back in the face. I am only 5'1" for pete's sake. WTH?????? I gained 15lbs from June to now. Sigh!!!! Most of it was probably gained in the last couple of weeks.

I know the hard stuff is never easy but it is oh so worth it. I intend to be around for many, many years to come. That's right people.....you will be putting up with me for decades. But I don't intend to be over weight and to willfully put my health at risk because I put cheeseburgers and laziness above all else. This will not happen overnight and there will likely be setbacks.....but anything is doable if you want it badly enough.

A little peace of mind would be amazing at this point and I may end up with some today. Whatever the case though, all the things in my health universe that I "can" control......I must. The rest I will leave to God.

Today I walked for half an hour (starting slow) and I am drinking my water (lots of it) and eating five small meals. There will be no couch lounging and I will do my best to stay positive. It is a start.....on my way to baby steps.

Me vs. The Mirror

So today I am just relaxing! It is the last day of a four day weekend, we are suppose to be heading to Shriners Hospital the end of the week (weather permitting) and I decided this would be the perfect day to decompress.

First I must do a quick catch up....closely followed by a happy dance that I invite you all to join me in. Okay....so here goes. I have lost more weight (even with the appetite coming back) and you can't imagine how nice it is to see those numbers getting smaller. Granted....it is not coming off like it would if say I was giving it 100% everyday.....but the 60-75% that I have been giving it is obviously working much better than the 20-30% I have given it in the past. Yes....I am still a work in progress. 

The truth is that about a week and a half ago I happened to glimpse myself in the mirror and I actually realized that I was missing some chins. Laugh if you will but the fact is....I actually saw a thinner face staring back at me. However....I have a very unhealthy mind and like anyone who has ever grappled with eating disorder issues along with self esteem issues.....the image looking back at you from your mirror can get very distorted. Within 24 hours of my thinner face triumph...I looked again to see my face multiplying chins once again. Intellectually I knew that was my own self esteem working against me and that my face was not actually fatter, but when your mirror image does this to you.....it can cause some major set backs if you allow it. Along with my bathroom mirror playing tricks on me.....it also seemed that my bedroom mirror which is more of a full length horror show.....also started gnawing away at any positive illusions that I might have about my body. Each time I looked in it for some sign that my bumps and lumps were smoothing out and that the loss I was seeing on the scales was being translated into my mirror......my hopes were shot down. What stared back was unattractive and very disappointing. Sigh! At this point it would have been very easy to reach for comfort in the form of sugar wrapped in sugar topped with sugar....and not too long ago, that is exactly what would have happened. Not this time though!

Perhaps it is the fact that I have learned my mental processes so well or maybe the fact that I am actually serious this time about making changes, but rather than derail myself I decided to reason with myself. Yeah....I know, it sounds hokey but sometimes you have to talk things through in your own head to see the reality. During my self convo I realized a couple of things. First of all....I haven't had a full length mirror for years. The one I have now is fairly new. Then there is the fact that I have become a master at seeing only parts of myself in the mirror, so even with the new mirror....I seldom actually see the real picture. The real picture has been for quite sometime that I am an overweight woman and it does not translate to attractive when you are looking with a critical eye. However....the fact is, I have not really looked at myself in a long time so in fairness....the current image is likely much better than say I even looked a couple of months ago, but how would I really know that as I have not really seen myself through honest eyes in a long time? Realizing all of this.....I decided to go with the facts instead of the mind games I was playing with myself.

The fact is that I stepped on the scales again and the numbers were still getting smaller. The real test though would be my clothes. If in fact I was still as big as I thought I was...then my clothes would all still fit tight, so I decided to go through my closet and see if the scales and my intellect would win out or the mirror and my negative self image would. Now let me say here....I hate trying on clothes. In fact....despise might actually be a better word for this form of emotional torture. For a girl that used to love nothing more.....now a days I want to cry at just the thought of having to try something on and then have to look in the mirror so that it can judge me. Surprisingly though...my closet venture wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.

Like every woman of just about any shape or size in America....I have a closet full of clothes that have about a three size range. You have your clothes that are your smallest size that seldom get touched. These clothes have the ability to give you either a really good day or a really bad day dependent upon whether you can get into them or not and how they actually fit if you can. Then you have your midsize clothes. These are your every day clothes that get the most wear. These are also the same clothes that cause a woman to look in her closet and declare she has absolutely nothing to wear because she is bored to tears looking at them....let alone wearing them. Finally you have your largest size clothes. These are the clothes that a woman will go to when she "feels" fat. Yes I say "feels" because often as not....when we feel fat it is more emotional than it is factual...thus when we put those clothes on we look misproportioned and dowdy thus adding to our already low self image. Because they are too big and the waist doesn't constrict....there is room for expansion and since we feel fat...why not make it a fact?  So, we head to the nearest refrigerator and eat ourselves into a binge that will actually make those clothes fit. My closet is no different.

Rather than pick and choose the clothes which I knew would give me the most anxiety....I decided I would just try them all. I had a Goodwill bag ready, a trash bag ready and after a shot of cooking sherry....I was ready to face the monster which was my closet. I pulled everything out and started with my pants. What started out with about 15 pair of pants and jeans turned out to be about four pair that actually fit.....and they were all at the small end of my range. Next were all my tops. As I have gotten older....my tops are what gives me the most issue. Looking at myself in the mirror....the slim shouldered me no longer exists. She has been replaced with a linebacker that would make any pro-football team proud. Because of this....I always make the mistake of wearing shirts that are too big because I think they will hide the broad shoulders, big boobs and back fat. All they actually do is add another ten pounds and accentuate my non existent shoulder pads.  Keeping this in mind....I cleared out all the shirts that I felt my body needed.....and then carefully went through the shirts that my body actually deserved. Again....I cut my wardrobe down to about less than half of what I started with. What I found out was that the size I actually am is really two sizes less than I thought I was. It was amazing. It was also exhausting. Mentally I was toast. I also decided then and there that I would not buy another item of clothing until everything in my closet no longer fit. Since I was getting rid of all my bigger clothes....I have no place to go but down.

It was emotionally taxing forcing myself to realize that my body, life change and weight loss were doing just fine, but that my mind alone was what was trying to derail me. When I dealt with only the facts and worked strictly in real numbers and size I understood that I am actually losing and my body is obviously changing for the better. How easy it would have been to have destroyed all of this with a cheesecake or a meatball sub. The reality is though....that not just the physical but also the mental changes are happening. I am learning to talk myself off my own ledges and I am starting to replace negative self image and mental smoke and mirrors with reality and positive thinking.

So as you can see....it was an impressive four day weekend for me. It was also exhaustive. The fact is though.....I am breaking ground and whats more....I am worth every exhaustive moment. All this being said and done....I think I have earned today and I plan on enjoying every relaxing second of it. So now I leave you with good thoughts, a smaller size and let us not forget........A HAPPY DANCE! Let the dancing commence!

May I Suggest.....Coconut Water?

So who is down three (3) more pounds????? THIS GIRL!!!! Yep. Tis true. I have lost another 3 pounds and am continuing to watch the scale head south. Granted....in the big scheme of things (meaning my behind)....there is much work left to do, but just knowing that I have gotten below my nemesis number and I am continuing to lose makes me very happy. The truth is though....I have done little to make these numbers happen. Apparently I am still not completely well as I was put on more antibiotics yesterday. They are hoping that a Zpac will finally do the trick. So my loss is actually from my inability to stomach food. Nothing sounds good and when I do eat....after just a few bites I am done. It always sounds better pre-consumption than it tastes during consumption.

All this being said.....I am fighting this whole not eating thing with everything I got. I live in fear that this gift of weight loss will magically disappear the minute I am back to 100%, so I am taking advantage of my current situation by forcing myself to eat mainly healthy food when I do eat. Luckily....the healthier foods such as raw fruits and veggies are what is most appealing to me right now. Last night I added some humus to go along with my veggies and it was delish until.....it wasn't. Such is my current life. Sigh.

I have also been trying to do a lot of reading about foods and such of late. Tea has been a staple throughout my sickness and most all tea has some kind of healthful property in it....and if it doesn't...then it is at least not harmful. My issue is that with my hot tea...I always reach for the diet sweetener. One day though....when my throat was raw....I decided to try honey instead of the sweetener. I had heard about honey not only being a more healthful choice than sweetener or sugar, but also that it had a healing effect on the throat when added to tea. After one cup I was hooked. Since....I have made a considerable effort to drink my tea either plain or with honey. I am good with either right now and I am saving my body from a whole lot of additives.

Sadly.....I have not completely kicked the diet soda habit yet....but there is major effort going into cutting way back. At first I decided I would switch to Crystal light.....only to find that it is no better for you and it also contains artificial sweeteners. So I was doing only tea and water......and my desire for something different nearly killed me. Feeling that man cannot live by tea and water alone...or at any rate this woman can't, I started doing my homework. I noticed that something that was being talked about a great deal was Coconut Water. Having never heard of it.....I had no idea what it was. On further investigation....I found it to be just that....coconut water. It has fresh coconut water that I assume comes straight from the coconut and the only additives are pureed fruit (if you get the fruit flavored kind) and Vitamin C. That's it. There is no fat and very little sugar. For a 16.9 oz container there are two servings and each serving is 55 calories. The biggest thing though is the taste. I LOVE the taste. To me...it is far more thirst quenching than soda, but it is not just plain bland water. Also....I would gladly deal with 55 calories and no additives or chemicals over 0 calories and a laundry list of ingredients I can't even pronounce correctly let alone metabolize.

The only draw back to the coconut water that I have found is it's price. I usually purchase mine at Dillon's (Kroger) and it runs about $2.35 per 16 oz. carton. For my budget it is a bit pricey to have on hand as an everyday drink, but as an every once in a while treat.....it is awesome.  I have to say that this is one of my best finds in awhile.

We all need to remember that when you are on a weight loss program.....even if you lose every pound you want to, the only way that you will keep it off is to change the habits and unhealthy food choices that put you there in the first place. You cannot lose 60 lbs and then expect to go back and eat burgers and fries and sweets and junk and keep the weight off. This is why it is so important to change up how and what you eat while you lose so that these new foods become your go to foods, even after you lose. When I was going to Weight Watchers (WW) they had one leader who would challenge us each week to eat a fruit, veggie or healthy food choice that we had never tried before. It was an act of brilliance as it taught us to step outside our food choice boxes and it also gave us a bigger variety of healthy foods to choose from. It was at this time that I also started making myself eat foods that might not always be my first choice, such as green peppers, radishes and fresh spinach. By doing this.....I started finding that foods I thought I didn't like were actually turning into foods that I really did like. It also gave me a much wider variety of foods to choose from when I cooked.

So Coconut Water is my suggestion for you. If you haven't tried it....do so. I would love to hear your thoughts. My other suggestion is to try something different. Your produce section has a plethora of items and I am sure there are at least one or two items you have never tried. Next time you go to the store try something new. Not sure how to fix your new find? Google it or search Pinterest. Before you know it you will have ideas galore right there at your finger tips and you will be on your way to a tasty lifestyle change.

Let me know what you think about Coconut Water and feel free to share any recipes, food ideas or comments. Until next time....

The One Ingredient Foods

Yesterday I blogged on From Beginning to End......about Pinterest. Please feel free to read the blog if you haven't already. Today is a bit of a carry over in the fact that if you are serious about a lifestyle/weight loss change....then never has so much information been at your fingertips before. Yes...literally at your fingertips by simply opening up the Pinterest website. Here you will find hundreds of weight loss programs, lifestyle ideas and workouts. There are also many inspirational thoughts to help keep you on track and remind you that you can do it! It is truly a treasure trove of links to information. Much of it is information that in all of my years of "dieting" that even I didn't know.

I think one of the most interesting things that I have read of late was on a site that I did not pin. Silly me. Well...actually I think I went from Pinterest to another site and then another site and the site where I read this was not pinable. None the less...the information was interesting and made a lot of sense. It talked about why sometimes we think we are doing everything right as far as how we eat....and yet time after time....the scales refuse to budge. It is probably one of the most frustrating experiences you can have. Especially when how we continue to eat is often based on current results. When you know that not one piece of cheesecake, not one McDonalds burger or one second helping has passed your lips and yet your weight has remained the same for one week, two weeks...sometimes even three weeks....you just want to throw up your hands and head for the nearest bag of jelly beans.

The fact is...if you are eating certain breads, low-fat and sugar free everything, then you may just be defeating yourself. According to the article....when they take out the fat and the sugar....they are replacing these products with additives and chemicals that can be much worse than eating the whole fat, real sugar items. Once eaten...your body often has difficulty breaking these additives and chemicals down....and these foods can cause even more of a fat store in your body than the real thing. Our bodies were not designed to process foods with additives that we can't even pronounce. It has also been shown through testing that foods like real butter are much better for you than margarine or diet margarine. And while we are taking about margarine....I heard the other day a little story about margarine. Not sure if it is true or not....but it certainly wouldn't surprise me. Do you know the origins of margarine? It was originally used as something to fatten up turkeys. Unfortunately....it was making the turkeys sick and even killing them. It was apparently made/manufactured in huge quantities and rather than waste that which was not used...yellow dye was added to it...along with some flavoring and viola....what was killing off turkeys is now what we eat on our toast. YUK! My point is....just because a commercial tells you that something is diet and you will lose weight on it...or that something is good for you.....doesn't mean it is true.

Going back to the article...it says what most of us already know if we use our common sense. The best foods to eat and make our bodies run optimally not to mention help us to lose weight and keep our metabolism in shape are single ingredient foods. We are talking fresh fruits and vegetables and lean meats, chicken and fish. These are foods with no fillers or added ingredients and you know exactly what you are eating. You can even take your meat choices a step further and purchase only organically raised cattle and chicken and organic fruits and veggies are widely available too. Where we run into trouble is when we eat a lot of processed foods, boxed mix foods and again diet foods. So much that is unnecessary and actually works against our bodies go into these products and cause us not to lose and even in some cases gain weight. It can be a frustrating and health deteriorating cycle.

Now honestly.....at least 80% of us are products of the processed foods, fat free foods and sugar free generation. Since I had my first TAB back in the 1970's I have fallen victim to diet soda's and have such a taste for fake sugar...that often the real thing in soda's and other products tastes too sweet to me. The diet soda however....does not make me less hungry or crave sugar any less. On the contrary....studies have shown that diet soda's can make your sugar cravings even worse...and it is down right scary what these chemicals might be doing to our bodies long term. Water and tea can do far more for both your health and weight loss and they won't cause the cravings. However....living in a world of processed, additive and chemical ridden food....it is hard to quit cold turkey....especially when many of these foods come in quick and easy form for those nights when time is short and kids are hungry. Still....perhaps re-evaluating our diet and what we are putting in both our mouths and the mouths of our children is worth spending a little extra time in the kitchen.

So back to weight loss. If we stick to the single ingredient foods like fruits and veggies....we are giving our bodies healthy foods that work naturally in our systems and help us to stay fuller longer. Lean meat gives us the protein we need and a good whole grain bread with little added sugar will help to fill out a healthy eating regimen. Also....if you cut back to the basics....you are going to start seeing the scales move south while at the same time you will start to feel better and have more energy.....and the biggest added bonus is.....by eating one ingredient foods....you are no longer filling your diet with added salt, added sugar, added dyes and added chemicals and additives with too many syllables to even pronounce, let alone process.

Now no one is saying that you have to completely cut out that diet Coke, your sugar free yogurt or your once in a blue moon Chicken McNuggets. But I am betting that if you go the one ingredient route and start tasting real food not covered up by artificial flavorings and seasonings...that the diet soda and Chicken McNuggets just might not be quite as appetizing as they once were.

I myself am once again going to try to break up with diet soda and eat more one ingredient items. I am anxious to see how my scales react and how my body feels. I would also like to hear from you. Have you kicked the additive and chemical habit? Are processed foods a thing of the past in your life? Let us know as together we continue on our journey to health, fitness and lifestyle change.