Honesty

If you follow me on From Beginning to End and Back Again, you are aware that changes are taking place. They are not really changes that I consciously put into play, but possibly subconscious changes that have been trying to emerge for awhile. Changes have been on the horizon for some time now......but I was very confused as to what I wanted vs. what I needed and the path in which I was supposed to take. Many had given me input on what their "outside looking in" impression was of my life and at times I honestly think I was getting all tangled up in the difference between what they thought I needed for me and what I thought I needed for me. After awhile....the two seemed to cancel each other out and I was left feeling out of sorts, out of answers....and many days....out of my mind. I was losing direction and losing myself. I felt like a very old Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Suddenly though....I seem to have a lot more clarity. I have a desire and a drive that I don't seem to have had in a while....if ever. I am sure it is a God thing. You know...the thing that always end up happening in His time and is the thing we always wanted and needed.....even if we didn't know we wanted or needed it.

Again....if you know me or follow my other blog, then you know that blogging is/has been an integral part of who I am. It is how I state my opinion, share my thoughts and mostly put my crazy life into perspective. It is an extension of who I am and how I live. So you can imagine that when my blog is called out....I do in fact take it personally. No...I am not talking about the Anonymous's who state their opinion occasionally negatively on my blog. No...I am talking about another blogger who may or may not know what they are talking about....who decided to critique my work. Recently....Said Blogger contacted me with some unsolicited advice and an unrequested critique obviously feeling that it was for my own good. They let me know that my blog was "okay" but pretty much a "fluff piece." Now before people go getting pissy.....yes...it is my blog, my opinion and my choice of what to write. However....in the bigger scheme of things....most bloggers who are blogging to be read by a larger audience, do their best to make their blogs pertinent, relevant and interesting. Said Blogger (SB) didn't really feel that my blog was enough of any of these things to reach an audience beyond my immediate friends and my little home town. In essence...it was felt that my blog was not bold enough....not honest enough.....and yes....not interesting enough to gain much of an audience. Honesty was the word that was used quite often in our correspondence.

My first reaction was OUCH! Followed by some other less polite four-letter words. Needless to say..they were said under my breath and to myself....but never the less...they were said. I feel/felt as if my blog has been much more than a fluff piece...after all...it is about my life and my life has been a lot of things, but fluff was not one of them. However....going back and reading some of my work, I do see where "honesty" came into play. Yes...my work is honest, but only to a point. Often when I start getting "real" with my blog....I mask the honesty behind humor. Granted humor has it's place and I really feel that people need their dead on honesty tempered with a lit/lot of humor, but if I am not really feeling the humor.....then why mask? Why not let the anger, frustration, sadness or loneliness go wherever it takes me? That is what (SB) pointed out. If I allow myself to blog to the full extent of my emotions then I am being 1) true to myself and 2) completely honest with my audience/readers. While I do question whether my readers want to see that much honesty from my blog(s) I did get the lesson being taught and I do understand that as a blogger....a writer....a woman.....I have to be true to my words and my words have to mean something....even if it is only to me. That is when I am being true to myself.

Said blogger also sought out this blog and my Life With the Incredible Mr. David blog. It was felt that in my David blog......again I was masking and hiding....this time with fear. I was holding back and it was felt that there was much more story there than I was telling. Again....the honesty was being missed. Finally.....I was found to be the most dishonest in this blog as I was hiding from myself and trying to avoid real life with humor and diversions that distracted from the real topic at hand. I might be able to skirt the truth with the average reader, but not with another writer. They could see through my facade.....zero in on the BS...and apparently feel free to call me out on it. And so it was done.

Funny how this happened the day after I woke up feeling so completely different. I am thinking it was one of those things that happens how and when it is suppose to, because if it had happened even one day earlier....I would have been deeply wounded, indignant as hell and blogging the tar out of the nerve of another blogger being so bold as to call me out in such a way. I have no doubt that this was not particularly done with the respect for  my fragile ego in mind nor was it particularly done as constructive criticism. On the contrary....I think (SB) was letting me know that in their opinion.....my blog was not capable of cutting the mustard because I was not.....nor could I be....honest enough to blog without hiding or masking. Regardless of what the intent behind the correspondence was......I did take it to heart. Not in the poor me, people are picking on me and my blog and don't like either of us kind of way, but in the.....could there actually be some relevance to what (SB) is saying kind of way. After reading and re-reading several of my blogs I have come to the conclusion that (SB) could not be more correct if they were my own inner conscience. Thy nailed me head on and they were absolutely right. Again...OUCH! It hurts even more when it is deserved.

So what does one do when they are full of doodie, running scared, not completely honest and worst of all......called on it? You either get real or give up. I am not about to give up. This does not mean that my blogs are now going to be completely filled with deep introspective stuff that in its own way can be just as unappealing as fluff. What it does mean though....is that I am going to do my best to quit hiding behind the fluff, the humor and the fear and start allowing myself the honesty that apparently my readers sense is missing from my blogs. Don't worry though.....I am still me and I am sarcastic, opinionated and yes.....even humorous and the point is not to quit being me.....the point is to be an honest me. And sometimes.....honestly.....I am just opinionated, sarcastic and funny. I really don't go any deeper. Sorry (SB)!

I thought the first place I really needed to be honest with both my readers and myself was right here. This blog was originated because I wanted to make life changes. However....if you read this.....it is pretty obvious that I have difficulty being honest with the way the situation truly is.....therefore I derail myself with little white lies that I tell myself and get away with.....because none of you know the honest truth. Today that ends.

Since it is the month of fright and terror......are you ready for some scary facts? Well hold on to your broomsticks cause here they come.

Two things I have tried to lie about since I was old enough to realize that they are two things people judge you by....are my weight and my age. Even when I was a size 6 I lied thinking that to someone....a size 2 or 3 would be more appealing. So you can imagine if I was lying about weighing 110 lbs back then.......the whoppers that come out of my mouth now. Well....actually I never give a number so it is really a lie by omission. Also....without a number of reference then I have no accountability. It is the lack of accountability this last year that has kept me from losing the weight I need to lose and getting where I need and want to be.

So here goes. I restarted Weight Watchers two weeks ago. I was 48 years old then and I am now 49. On the day I started Saturday Oct. 1st my 5' 1 3/4" frame weighed in at......193.4 lbs. I will have you know that is the most honest and difficult thing I have ever had to blog. My hands are shaking even as I am typing this. Saturday Oct. 15th, my 49th birthday, I stepped on the scales and had lost down to 190.4. It is a 3 lb loss with many more pounds ahead to go. My goal is to be down to 125 lbs and believe me....it will be a great deal of work. Perhaps now though....I have a better chance of achieving that goal and doing the work necessary to get there because for the first time I have been completely honest about my weight. It feels good and scary at the same time and I won't lie.....I am a bit afraid that people will judge me by and because of those numbers.

Those are some pretty scary numbers....but they are honest. I plan on taking it one step further and adding a picture very soon. I am having one taken especially for this. Just another way to quit hiding and masking and to start to be real with who I am and what I want for and from my life. So (SB).....I have no idea of the real intent behind your criticism, but I want to "honestly" thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words were what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them....and I can't help but believe that I will be eternally grateful that you expressed them. So thank you. Now.....let the journey begin.