Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes!

I am changing. I see it on the outside and I feel it on the inside. It is all part of the process and one might think that losing weight and getting healthy are nothing but rewards, but like with anything else, even this has its challenges. In the big scheme of things though, these challenges are so worth the end result.

I didn't post last week because quite honestly, I felt pretty crappy. Last week was our hometown celebration called Old Settlers. If you have watched the news, you might have heard that on the Friday night of Old Settlers, we (Mulvane, KS)  had extreme slow moving storms that went through the area dropping anywhere from 7-9 inches of rain on us in just a couple of hours, which caused major flooding in our little town. We had 6 feet of water rushing through the downtown area and the area where we have the rides, concessions and vendors. People had to be helped out by boats and the destruction was pretty massive. Businesses as well as individuals lost a great deal. We are a close knit bunch though, and rather than let it get the town down, people jumped in and soon our little community will be good as new. That is just who we are.

Every year for Old Settlers, people come back to visit and those of us who still remain here, gather and we make it a huge party. A little water was not going to change that for us and this was my first "cheat" off THM since May 15th. While the temptation was there to eat everything in site, the reformed me kept thinking...."everything in moderation." I knew this was the best I was going to do this weekend so I wasn't going to fight it. Yes, there was cheesecake...full fat, full on carb and lots of sugar....chessecake. I did however, manage to keep it to one slice. Trust me, that was an amazing NSV for me. I snacked on chips, candy and things that haven't touched my lips in months BUT I tried very hard not to overdo it. I also kept in mind others talking about eating sugar after not eating it for awhile and it being very hard to get the sugar out of their system again. I certainly didn't want to have to start from ground zero again just because of one weekend. I could tell all weekend that my system was off and my body was definitely not happy with me, but I trudged ahead like a good little "cheater." The worst thing for me though, was the alcohol.

I am not a drinker for many reasons, but once a year, when everyone is in town and we celebrate Old Settlers I do enjoy drinking with my friends. Usually I know my limit and I never exceed it, but this year.....I did not take into account my current weight loss or the fact that my body was already functioning poorly because of the weekend festivities. I drank no more than I normally would have and it would likely not have affected me at all, but being down 25 lbs and not eating nearly as much as I usually do and eating all the wrong things, well.....it affected me! Let's just say that the toilet and I had some very close moments Saturday night. When Sunday morning rolled around, I really wanted to be angry with myself (especially because I felt so awful), but I decided beating myself up was not the answer. Instead I chose to use it as a learning experience and a cautionary tale of how to proceed in the future.

It did not help that due to the weekends festivities, I had also gained almost 2 lbs. Again though, forgiving myself the indiscretions of the weekend and learning from it were crucial. I was not going to let 3 days ruin all these weeks of hard work. After all, life is messy. It has cheats from time to time and they are fine as long as they don't become a habit! This was not going to be a habit!

Monday I jumped right back on THM and never looked back. Those 3 days did do a number on me and it was about Thursday before I was even beginning to feel normal again. I won't lie, food was a challenge last week. Luckily, the sugar I ingested didn't seem to give me any horrible cravings although, I did dream about Jif peanut butter a couple of times during the week. Go figure.

Even on the days when I had difficulty eating the things I should eat, I did make sure that I drank a lot of water and tons of Good Girl Moonshine (GGMS). The funny thing was, that suddenly my shorts and jeans started feeling a lot looser. I can now feel my ribs when I lay down and I am going to have to get rid of a lot of my shirts as they are starting to fall off me in some rather obscene ways. On the other side of the coin, I am also starting to see some rather unattractive saggy skin on my belly that I am not pleased with. I know this comes from a lack of exercise and muscle toning. Again it is all part of the process but it is also one of those challenges I was referring to. Needless to say, it was a weird week for me.

This morning when I stepped on the scale, I had lost the 2 pounds I gained plus another 6/10ths of a pound. I was good with that. I feel like I am back on track and ready for the next challenge which I will be starting Sept.1st.

The changes are coming. For me they feel like they have been slow but steady. I am ready for the next phase of my weight loss and it is becoming abundantly clear that muscle toning exercise along with fat burning exercise are crucial as I begin this new challenge. The thing is......life doesn't stop or slow down just because I am trying to become healthy, so I have to work eating right and exercising around the craziness that is my life. I also have to remember that life is not perfect and I am not perfect. There will be those cheat moments and they are fine....as long as I remember that they are moments and not bad habits returning.

The next few months are going to be a test of my ability to stick with THM and my desire to truly change my health. We are going into fall and the holidays and they are tricky for most of us. We will get to see if I really think I am worth it or not. I have every faith that I will do fine and  whats more, I am learning so much about myself and how strong I am.

Yes, even positive changes hold challenges. It is all part of life, but the changes I am making are for me and ultimately, those who love me. Wait! Did you hear it? I can almost hear David Bowie in the background singing....."Ch ch ch ch changes!" 

Miracles

Well  I am still plugging along and one week into a new challenge. I lost .2 lbs this week and even with such a small loss, I am celebrating. Why? Because it's a loss but more than that, it is helping me to keep a weekly count of my weight loss without being consumed by the numbers. There was actually a point in my life that such a small loss would have sent me into a depression. Yeah....the glass is half empty scenario and it would have been the green light for me to give up and give in. Not anymore. I have learned that a loss is a loss and quite honestly, I don't even need a loss to be motivated to keep going.

Someone ask me the other day if after I lose all the weight I need to, if I thought I would be able to keep it off. Ouch! Yet a very valid question as many who lose large amounts of weight are not able to maintain the loss and end up putting some, all or even more back on within a two year period of time. My answer was an unequivocal YES! Why am I so sure? Because THM is not only changing how I look but it is also changing how I view myself, food and the world.

I know I speak often of NSV's (non-scale victories) but quite frankly, I view each NSV as a small wonderful little miracle in my life. The fact that numbers don't rule my world or how I view myself anymore, that I can eat healthy and still be full and satisfied and the fact that I have been doing this for 10 weeks now and I haven't gone off plan once.....those are all miracles.

Ten weeks ago, I was truly convinced that I would never be able to lose weight. I was sure that I would have to spend the rest of my life being unhealthy, uncomfortable in my own skin and tired and miserable. I was cheating myself and my family because I "couldn't" lose weight and I viewed myself as not only a failure at weight loss, but also a failure at life. There was very little I liked about myself and I was down right miserable. Now.....I barely remember that person. I used to hate getting out of bed of a morning, but now I am up early and I stay busy all day long. My days are full of accomplishments and I am taking pride in who I am as a person. I have energy and an excitement for each new day that I didn't have before. It truly is amazing.

Another huge change is how I view my body. Oh, I still have a long way to go but I am learning to be much more forgiving of the imperfections that are my body. Before, I never looked in the mirror and if I did, it was from the neck up. I refused to stand in front of a full length mirror and if I had to, it always left me in tears. Now, I make myself look and when I do, I am so much happier with what I see. Also, since there is starting to be less of me, I noticed an old familiar panic take over about a week ago.

When I was young, I had an eating disorder and I teetered on the edge of anorexia while swallowing laxatives and diet pills. When I was very thin, that "looked" right to me, but it was so depressing because the way I achieved it was through almost starving myself to death. I would feel my bones protruding and feel depressed because I knew the only way I could keep them that way was to never eat. I was hungry and miserable and the weight loss was unsustainable. The other day as I saw collar bones starting to peak through, for a brief moment, my brain went back to a very unhealthy thought process. I started wondering how I could take the weight off faster. Maybe I could just eat smoothies for a week. Or maybe......I could skip a meal and a snack everyday. I felt my heart sink and my stomach knot. Then I realized that this was old, unhealthy thinking that would undo everything I had achieved these last 10 weeks. The truth is, I have had more success and happiness eating these last weeks than I have ever had with food in my entire life. Why in the world would I allow old, unsuccessful bad habits to creep in and derail what I have worked so hard for? Of course I wouldn't, but it was something I had to really think about, process and get through. Another amazing miracle.

So the weight is coming off. It will stay off, because my life has changed so radically in such a short time. While I enjoy food and still like to eat very much, food is no longer my crutch. I no longer use it to self medicate and when I eat, I can truly enjoy it because I know that not only am I filling my stomach but I am doing it in a healthy way that leaves no room for remorse or guilt.

Miracles happen all around us everyday and they are not just confined to the big, over the top things. Miracles can also be as small as finding happiness in being able to bend over and paint your own toe nails or being able to walk five miles without needing oxygen and an EMS team. The biggest THM miracle for me though has been that I have found a whole new strength in myself and I am learning to really like the person I am becoming. Now that folks....is a miracle!

A Little Determination.......and a Whole Lot of Prayer

Another week is in the books and this week was probably the most emotinally satisfying week so far. There were a lot of little NSV's and I hate to call them "little" because actually, any NSV at this point is monumental in my book.

This was the week that I realized that I was 40+ days into this plan and that I had no intentions of losing ground or falling back. I actually woke up in the middle of the night one night and had nothing short of an epiphany. Okay....granted, I woke up because I had to pee, BUT at that exact moment, when I popped up out of bed and didn't "struggle" to get up, I realized that I am really doing this! I am really losing weight and getting healthy!

Truthfully, no one except my son has said that they notice anything different in me. He says he can tell around my mid section. I can actually see it in my face, but I think maybe at this point, the change may not be as noticable on the outside as it is on the inside.

I feel different from my head to my toes.....literally. My headaches  that plagued me at least 12-15 times a month have gone to maybe 2-3 times  per month and they have been weather related. I have fought off and won over an impending sinus infection without going near an antibiotic. I move eaiser and I don't get winded after running up and down the stairs for the billionth time in a day. I actually have the energy to run up and down the stairs a billion times each day. My knees and hips no longer hurt and the horrible pains I would have in my feet in the middle of the night and the first thing in the morning are now non-existant.

As far as other NSV's go, I am now down to about a chin and a half instead of the tripple chin I was starting to sprout. I managed to make it 3 days this week on the elliptical working for 20 minutes on a fat burning workout. I also implemented arm and leg work outs to my regimine. I realized that I can comfortably cross my legs now and all my clothes are getting looser. And finally, I have managed to move down to a smaller size jeans once again. I am over the moon!

I think though, the biggest NSV for me came this week when my middle son asked me when I had a cheat day coming up. I just looked at him but my inner self was screaming "CHEAT DAY? What the heck are you trying to do to me?" I managed to calmly and with only a hint of hysteria in my voice. ask him why he was asking. Apparently he was craving a pre-THM dish that I used to make and wanted me to make it for him. Rather than cave and say we can do that, my mind went to work thinking how I could THMify the recipe so we could all  enjoy it. You know what....I figured it out! I think it was then that I realized that I am now not only eating differently, but I am also thinking differently about food. My mind has become a bit of a THM calculator, separating out fats from carbs and quickly changing a mainstream recipe into a THM recipe just by mentally rearranging the ingredients.

So it was a really good week mentally and today was my last "full week" weigh in of the Spring Fling Challenge. I had no hesitation approaching the scales this morning and as I looked down, I was greeted with another loss. My losses seem to be low numbers but steady results and I am good with that because all of those low numbers eventaully add up to a great big number and I know that with the path I am on, that big number is coming.

Today starts the last days of my challenge. June 30th, I will tally up all the numbers, check all the measurements and do the most telling thing of all.....take pictures. I am almost excited to see my befores and afters and to see if the change is really visable. Fingers crossed.

This has been the most rewarding few weeks that I have had in many years. I have proven some things to myself and finally I have counted myself worthy of the change I not only needed but also deserved. I am learning about me, my health and most of all..... that I can do anything with a little determination..... and a whole lot of prayer!

Week 2 of the Spring Fling THM - Challenge

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

So I finished week 2 of the Spring Fling THM-Challenge and I am starting week 3. First of all....a NSV (non scale victory). My NSV is that in 14 days....count 'em....14!!!....I have not veered from the plan even once. THAT to me is a victory. In all my years....I have never stuck to a plan this long without at least a little cheat. So as you can see....for me....it's big! I am extremely proud of myself and honestly, my body feels better for it. I have already lost the sugar cravings and I have never once felt "physically" hungry, the whole time.

I say "physically" hungry, because I will admit that there were a few times where I felt a few "emotional" hunger pains. You know what I am talking about. Your kid is suppose to be home at midnight and you haven't heard from him at 1 a.m.. The washer broke down and now you have to haul a U-Hauls worth of clothes to the laundry mat....or....you thought you were doing so good losing weight and you overhear someone make a less than flattering remark about your muffin top. Any and/or all of these things can send you over the bend and directly into "emotional" hunger. You know the hunger.....where you are tearing the house apart looking for those cookies you hid just in case or yanking up couch cushions looking for abandoned jelly beans.

Luckily, I was able to talk myself off the emotional ledge, but there were a couple of close calls. I have found that drinking water...a lot of water....in moments such as this does help. Another old trick that I use is when I know I am emotionally hungry and nothing more, I brush my teeth with the mintiest toothpaste I can find. After that, nothing but water is palatable for at least an hour and by then it is either time to eat or enough time has passed that the emotional issue is no longer an issue.

Even though I have been a "perfect" THMer this week, the scales showed only a 4/10 of a lb loss. I won't lie, after last weeks loss, this was a bit disappointing. I had to remind myself that even though it was small, it was still a loss and not to look a gift horse in the mouth. It did however make me take a closer look at my "perfect" week.

I think I said before that I keep a daily food journal. It is just a little notebook that I write down the foods I eat, how much water and GGMS I drink and my daily exercise. So on looking back at last week, the one area that was glaringly absent was EXERCISE. I managed to walk one day last week and the rest of the week....nahda. I also think that perhaps I had too many S meals and needed a few more E's and a few more FP's thrown in. While I never fell off plan once this week, after the week before, perhaps I needed to shake my meals up a bit. I will implement those changes with more exercise this week and then by next week, the scales should positively reflect the changes. Fingers crossed!

It is very easy to get frustrated, discouraged and down right fed up when you feel as if you have done it all right and the scales don't give you the numbers you are hoping for. It is at these moments that it would be easy to throw in the towel and find the first available cheesecake and devour the whole thing. However, when you are changing your life for the better, sometimes you have to take the good with the not so good. There will be weeks that the scale simply doesn't reflect all we feel we have put into our plan. That is when you look beyond the scale. Do your pants fit looser? Can you now fit into shorts that you couldn't a month ago? Look....you can now actually button your blouse. My hands aren't swollen from too much sugar. I was able to walk an extra mile two times this week, and I am now down to two chins instead of three. In essence, whether the scale is reflecting the changes or not....your body is. Don't judge your progress by your scales alone.

So, yeah....I did well this week even though the scales didn't move as much as I would have liked. I feel good and my body is feeling good. I have set a goal and I intend to keep it, knowing that this journey for me is about learning who I am, listening to what my body is telling me and proving to myself that I am worth the time and effort it takes to take care of me.

I hope you all are having an amazing Memorial Weekend and please remember those who have given their all so that we might remain free!

I'm Hooked

I have been busy. Not just a little busy, but crazy busy! It's a good thing though because I have actually had the energy to be busy and I feel really pretty good. Feeling good can make even the worst days much more agreeable. So let's talk.......

Remember that little life style change called Trim Healthy Mama (THM) that I have been going on about? Well.....there is more. A true life style change should consist of more than just weight loss. It should consist of changes throughout your life. THM is proving to do just that. Since I am feeling better, everything else seems to fall into place. Losing the soda (diet or otherwise) from my diet, along with the grains, gluten and sugar have proven to be more beneficial than I knew. My joints, stomach and even migraines are getting better. I don't wake up swollen from excess sugar (that is how sugar reacts in my body) and I no longer crave or even think about Diet Mt. Dew. The weight is leaving my body slowly....and my clothes are fitting better. I am actually not only seeing change in my daily life, but also feeling it. 

Aside from weight loss, THM is improving my organizational skills. I am not an organized girl usually. My kitchen cabinets especially, look like something out of a hoarder show. THM changed that though. You have to have specific items for this to work and they have to be at your fingertips. This got me into a whirlwind of cleaning and organizing. Out went the spices from 1978. Out went the the dried out food coloring and the partially opened boxes of pasta. They were all replaced with mason jars that I can easily mark and see through, and now when I go to make something, I know exactly where everything is.

Now for those of you who want instant gratification and big numbers on the scales each week, THM maybe a little disappointing for you at first. If you are looking for a sprint instead of a marathon....you aren't likely to get that with this plan. There was a time when I would have found this to be a major flaw in the program and I would have abandoned it and never looked back. It is also like I said, not the easiest plan I have ever been on because no one does it for you and you have to really use your brain and wrap your mind around this healthy way of both eating and thinking. In fact there are still days when I have to go to my "go to" person or hit up the Facebook THM pages and ask questions. Again.....in the past, I would never have gotten invested enough to have taken the time. Heck, I have even made my own THM binder of meals and recipes. So why this plan? Easy. Because it works, I like how I feel and most importantly.......I AM NEVER HUNGRY! Never...ever! 

THM is an amazing plan that lets you eat healthy fats and carbs. The recipes are amazing and my entire family loves the meals. They don't even miss the sugar, gluten or grains. Some of their favorites are the smoothies made with........wait for it.....wait for it...........COTTAGE CHEESE! My kids even like my Good Girl Moonshine (GGMS) made with apple cider vinegar. Yep, it sounds strange but these recipes are really good.

I am still learning the THM way and sometimes I get confused on what constitutes and "S" meal vs. an "E" meal, but the fact that you don't have to measure and weigh everything and that you can eat 6 times a day kind of makes up for the confusion. So if you are looking for a life style change, if you have health issues or you need to lose a few pounds, I encourage you to at least think about trying THM. Step one is to buy the book, check the book out or borrow the book. You can purchase either the actual book or the Ebook straight from the THM website. Read it, check out the FB THM pages and go on Pinterest and check out all the yummy recipes. I can pretty well guarantee you that you won't be sorry. I am always here too, to answer any questions that I can or help you find the answers if I don't have them. So check it out and give me some feedback on what you think.

Now......so as not to leave you empty handed, I will share with you one of my favorite drink recipes from THM. If you are a coffee drinker and especially a flavored coffee drinker, you are gonna love this. Forget paying $6-$10 for a pumpkin latte when you can make a Bullet Proof Pumpkin Coffee right at home for a fraction of that.

You will need:
Freshly brewed black coffee (a coffee cup full)
A blender (I use my Nutribullet)
Pumpkin puree (canned is fine and about 1-2 Tbsp)
1 tsp. butter (not margarine.....REAL butter)
1 tsp. coconut oil
caramel extract (about 1/2 tsp)
Truvia sweetener (1-4 packets depending on your personal sweetness level)
Pumpkin pie spice (about 1/4 tsp)
Ground Cloves (about an 1/8 tsp)
Cream (yep....the real stuff 1/4 cup)

Instructions:
Put hot coffee, pumpkin, butter, coconut oil, caramel extract, Truvia and spices in the blender and blend until thoroughly mixed.
In a large coffee cup, pour cream into the bottom and then pour the blended mixture over it. Stir to combine. Top with a dash of cinnamon, nutmeg or ground cloves.

Now that is a cup of coffee.

Bullet Proof Coffee's are an "S" because of the fat in them. You can have them as part of a complete "S" breakfast with eggs and bacon or you can simply have it on it's own say at 6 a.m. and then have your eggs and bacon three hours later.

Instead of adding pumpkin, you can add vanilla or you can add the caramel extract with a dash of salt to make a salted caramel BP Coffee.

BP Coffee's are not only delicious but they are good for your digestion and give you a nice helping of healthy fat. The one drawback to this amazing concoction is....they become addictive and you may want one everyday. It is suggested though, that you limit your BP Coffee to 3 times per week. It is my Sunday morning treat and any other day that I need a pick me up.

So there you have it. A little more about me and THM. I can't help it......I'm hooked!

The Metamorphosis of Marni

Celery Girl here!!! So since this blog is about change in all ways, I thought I would expand my perimeters a bit. Last week you got to hear all about what is going on with me and the start of my change, but I thought you might like to hear about others journey's of change. This week I invited a guest blogger to share her story of change and what it has done to and for her life.

This particular blogger is a high school classmate of mine and has been a dear friend for many years. To look at her and her life, you would never have thought she needed to change a thing, but that is on the outside looking in. On the inside she felt she needed change and she went after it.

The blogger I am referring to is my dear friend Marni Jones. She is housewife, mother, grandmother and friend extraordinaire. There is nothing this woman can't do if she puts her mind to it and quite frankly, her skills in the house, the kitchen and crafting make the rest of us look.....well....down right inferior. Everyone should have a friend like Marni....but you can't have her....'cause she's mine!

All kidding aside, the changes Marni has implemented and the transformation they have caused both inside and out, emotionally and physically are nothing short of amazing. I am so proud of her accomplishments and even prouder to call her friend. So without further ado....I give you The Metamorphosis of Marni.

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The Metamorphosis of Marni 

Change….to become different, or to make someone or something different. Now that is for sure a great word. Yes, it can be scary, but it can also be eye opening not only for yourself, but for those around you. I've never been much for change. In fact, it would totally freak me out when things changed. Maybe that’s from my childhood…..and never really knowing a true normal. A little bit of background on mmmwah. At the ripe old age of 18, I became a wife (to my high school sweetheart) and 3 months later I was well on my way to becoming the mom I dreamed of being. So life was on track for me. I had planned what I wanted and without changing my mind I got it, and let me say….I LOVED it! I was put on this earth to be exactly what I was.

Through the years I never once questioned my life’s decision and honestly, I was having a lot of fun. Now, there were bumps in the road for sure, but I was a happy wife and mom. As my kids grew I encouraged them to be whatever they wanted to be, and I was that wife that encouraged my husband to be the very best he could be, all the while happily basking in the glow of my family, who were quite frankly..... my world. I think like many mothers, I just got lost in family and was happy to stand back in the shade of their successes. I enjoyed watching what they could do and kind of lost myself, forgetting to take care of me. The years flew by and my kids were no longer kids. Just like every other mom out there that throws herself into family life, when the kids grow up its like “Ummm…… what do I do now?” Honestly I was lost. But then this wonderful thing happened. My daughter got pregnant and there I was, taking care of my grandson and a few years later my granddaughter. Again, there I was, doing what I knew best, taking care of others. I was set for a few more years…or so I thought.

One day for some reason I looked at myself and my life. Now mind you I was not unhappy, but I wasn’t totally happy, if that makes any sense. I know that lots won’t get that but I think I was just not totally happy with anything. People choose to make changes for various reasons and I wasn’t happy with ME. I had hit a point where I knew that I could be more than what I was; I just didn’t know what that was. Some of the things I could not control, so I decided to start with something that I could. I did a total lifestyle change and I dropped 60 pounds. Now to listen to my friends, I didn’t need to lose any (I am a tall girl so I hid it well, if I do say so myself) but I needed to FEEL better. So my journey began. Let me say that my life was not horrible before. It really was and still is wonderful, but now as all my family was doing their own thing it was time for me to do “my own thing” too. Trust me it was not easy because I was just so used to doing for others that it was hard to step out of that box and start to think about myself. After all, I had never really put myself first and here I was…. considering doing just that. So before I could over think the whole thing, I just closed my eyes and jumped.

So let me explain one thing about myself…. when I do something, I am ummmmm…… well people say that I become obsessive. I personally call it “dedication” but others do not see it that way. I went head strong into the new way of me! I started with changing my diet. It was just a simple change of eating better and eating less. My workout was the Wii (funny huh?) and walking. After a year of getting healthy I felt amazing! I KNOW during the course of all of this, that I drove people crazy by saying things like, “Oh, this is what I eat, it's so good for you,” or when out shopping with my daughter, I would pick things out that were really good for you and she would just say “Who are you and what did you do with my Mother?” To be blunt, I was a pain in the ass. It worked though, and I have never felt better and honestly, I think I look pretty good for a gal who just turned 50.

Through the process I have harangued my husband into this new “lifestyle” and he has made huge strides too. Our marriage has never been in a better place in EVERY aspect….if you know what I mean!!! (Wink wink) We have been told that we are more like newlyweds now than we were 30 years ago and I love that. We can't seem to walk by each other without hugging, kissing or playfully touching. It is amazing. There is so much energy in our lives and it shows. Here we are rolling into 32 years of marriage and we still enjoy each other’s company and sometimes I believe that I surprise him as I am so much stronger and I am even speaking up for myself.  I know by the look on his face that I both surprise him and make him proud!! This is what this change has brought about.

By choosing to take care of me and through this change, I believe that I have found my voice. I have always been that quiet girl in the corner. There were times that I did speak out, but most of the time…. yeah, NO! Since all of these changes, I seem to feel much more comfortable putting myself out there…more than I ever have before. Nothing scares me anymore. Not speaking up and speaking out is the cross that many who are the do for others, people pleaser types have to bear and with me because I was always that “Yes” friend, it was bad. Whatever someone else wanted to do, I was good with that….whether I really was or not. That was a learned thing from childhood that carried with me into adulthood. People got used to that, so when I started speaking up, I know that a few people were not happy. I just hope that along this process they can see that as I am changing and with the change, I am becoming a better friend to them.

So, as change goes, I do believe that I have made huge strides in the right direction to better myself, my family, my relationships and just my whole life. I KNOW there are some out there that think that you need to change the “inside” first to make this work. For me, it was a process of both. I began changing the “outside” which in turn made me strong enough to be able to change the inside. Each of us is different and our processes are different.  We all do the best that we can through the life we are given and that is what I did. I was the best person that I could be at the time and then life changes and we can choose to change with it or stay in the same place.  I think sometimes we just need to find that one aspect that is holding us back, maybe that one thing that scares us, in order to take that one step in the other direction that will make a huge change and put us on the path to who we are truly meant to be.  I am  still the SAME person I have been,  I just believe that now I am a  BETTER version of that person and I am proud to share me with the world!!!!!  So look out world… here I come!!!!!!!!!!

191.2=3.4