A New Adventure. A New Journey.

I have had a love/hate relationship with this whole COVID experience since day one. So much of COVID sucked right down to the depths of hell, but like with all truly bad things, there is always also something good. In this case, for me, the good has been the changes in me. I guess the conclusion I have come to is, that if you try to lock me down and break my spirit, I will rebel like hell and find a part of me that I never even knew existed. Take that COVID!

So many lessons have come out of the last 16 months for me, and one of the biggies was that I am far more competent and capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I am, for lack of a better phrase, still very teachable...even at my age. I also learned that I am worthy of at least as much care and effort as I give everyone else. Imagine that! 

Ultimately, I think I may have learned more about myself in this time period than I have in all the decades before. 

Prior to this last year or so, I have not been someone who took myself very seriously. I was an afterthought, even to myself and I looked and felt like it. I also didn't push myself to do a lot of things, because I always felt that I wasn't smart enough or capable of enough. This came from years of being told that I would never amount to anything by my dad. I think it was because I was a girl, and he just didn't think very highly of girls/women. Because of this thinking, I quit things when they got too hard as I think I felt I would fail anyway. Rather than push ahead and try to find answers, I just felt I wasn't smart enough to make it to the finish line. I don't know that I was really okay with all of this, but I did settle for this outcome more times than I would like to think about. 

This last year though, I challenged myself. Maybe it was because we were on lockdown and it was either challenge myself and learn, or die of a stagnant boredom. Since I haven't actually allowed myself to be bored since 1983, then learn and push ahead was my only practical choice. From this choice, I learned why for four decades my cookies had tasted like and had the consistency of sheetrock. I learned that the reason some of my past sewing projects didn't come out properly was not that I couldn't sew, but because I didn't take the time and/or have the patience to read the directions and sew properly. More importantly, though, I learned that taking care of myself was not the chore that I had always viewed it to be, but worth the time and effort I put in to make me feel better and in some cases make me feel more whole so that I was better for the people around me. This has been huge for me and I know that I am not alone in the difficulty (especially as a woman) of finding the desire and the energy to make myself a priority and to take care of myself. 

This particular blog, Do I Look Like a Celery Kind of Girl, was originally started as a blog to talk about health and self-care, even if I couldn't frame the right words at the time. Unfortunately, over the years, it has been ground zero for a lot of false starts with big ambitions and very little long-term follow-through. Because of this, I decided if I ever started hitting the keyboard again for this particular blog, that it wouldn't be until I had something long-term to say with some real follow-through as the end game. I think COVID may have just given me all of that and more. It also made me realize that long term may just be overrated because quite honestly long term is not the same for all of us. 

COVID and the year 2020 and the start of 2021, have put me on a journey like no other journey I have ever been on in all my years. Something was opened up inside of me that gave me a bit of childlike wonder, and a whole lot of desire to push myself and see just how far I could go. 

I have never been big on limits in the big scheme of things (David taught me that) and yet in so many ways, I have limited myself over the years and I am working very hard to stop that. Life is very short and if we don't live it on our own terms, we will end up wasting it on someone else's. That is not the life I choose to live. 

I am no longer tying myself to big ambitious goals that are usually too big to be attainable and when they fail, end up hanging over me like another missed opportunity. Instead, I am thinking and planning at best, no farther ahead than this summer and in most cases, no farther ahead than next week. This is going to give me opportunities to try things on the spur of the moment and rearrange things when something doesn't fit. My OCD where order and scheduling occur will simply have to make peace with a little bit of spontaneity, as I am allowing myself no guilt if time or situation doesn't allow for something, but I am also not allowing myself to give up, give in or quit anything I do start. 

Moving forward, I am going to use this blog to the fullest extent and I am going to take you on the journey with me, that I started several months ago.  I have no plans, very limited goals and the only thing I really know is that it is going to be about transforming me and ultimately, taking care of me, whatever that ends up looking like on any given day. 

Perhaps one of the biggest lessons, to come from all of this is that life and health are a gift. For me, it is especially so, with all the genetic issues and illnesses my family possesses. I am 58 years old and before I know it, I will soon be hitting 60. Rather than see me and my body as winding down, I prefer to see myself and my body as entering an exciting new phase of life where I don't have any expectations and everything is a new chance at a new beginning. 

So if you are like me, and ready for an adventure in life, then join me on this journey. I won't be blogging here every day, but when I do, I promise you that I will try to make it worth your read, and maybe together we will find a little joy, a little laughter, some new ideas on life, and some much-needed self-transformation. 

Until next time, may you have no expectations, may you have no guilt, and may you push yourself farther than you ever dreamed possible. 

TMI or All About Me....Whether You Want to Know or Not!!!!!

To be completely honest....I am not all that interesting. I do however have issues that many others also have. I live a life filled with children, too much stress, loss, frustration, and my biggest demon.....being overweight. The latter itself is part of the source of my stress and frustration....and my stress and frustration feed into my issues with weight. It is a vicious cycle that I have tried for years to break and have had very little luck..just like thousands of other people in the world.
I call this blog TMI (Too Much Information), because it is going to be about my weight issues; what brought me here, what I am doing to change things, and hopefully....what I do to maintain things once the weight is gone. In the midst of the discussion/posts/blogs....there is probably going to be a lot of info posted about me that others simply might not want to know, but it maybe very important and pertinent to  my journey and destination. So for anyone who does not want to know me quite that well, I will not be offended if you choose now to check out. For the rest of you.....here we go.
Honesty time: I have had some sort of an eating disorder off and on since I was about 12 years old, I was about 5 lbs over weight and my dr. told my mother I was FAT! Probably by the standards of the day....I was. I don't remember there being any "fat" kids in my class or my neighborhood, so my chunky thighs and round face probably did constitute "fat" in the 1970's. (Looking back....I was a preteen girl whose baby fat was turning into curves and had I been left alone and never told I was fat....I probably never would have been.) Instead though...those words set me off on a life long pattern of bad eating habits and low self esteem that I have yet to recover from.
I believe the day we got home from the drs. office, I began binge eating. My self esteem went from normal to nothing in just one word...FAT! As a pediatrician he should have known better....but as a man.....well....you know what I am getting at. My mother didn't really help the situation either. We were a family who liked  our fast food, and when cooking, Mom never met a starch she didn't like. Up until the moment that the horrid three letter word was used....I had always been somewhat of a picky eater. Often times I would turn my nose up at sweets and fast food, but after being declared "that which must not be named".....ALL food became a source of comfort to me. I would raid the cabinets and if I couldn't find anything else to eat....I would eat crackers with barbecue sauce. It was as if my mind had decided that I was going to live up to the adjective and my body was along for the ride.
I did gain weight, but fortunately I was only 4'9" at the time and I still had another 5" to grow before I stopped, so the stretching to 5'2" over the next few years helped to keep the weight from going crazy....not that at times I didn't try to out eat the growth spurts. And the fact that I was put on steroids for my asthma didn't really help the whole situation, but I never got "fat." I never even got what you would call heavy....just a little chunky.
My weight though, and the word fat made me feel like the big fat pig in every room. I saw myself through a zoom lens which made my body in my minds eye, appear "much" larger than it really was. When I would hang with my girlfriends I would always mentally compare myself and never did I ever see their flaws....I was too fixated on what I felt were my own.
Finally, when I hit my senior year...something snapped. I just simply could not take feeling fat anymore, so around Thanksgiving....I just quit eating. I would nibble and pick....but I would leave much of my food untouched. By New Years....I had lost weight and people were noticing. My clothes no longer fit and I was feeling good about myself. Well....actually it was a false feeling of good because my weight loss was not real. I mean yes, I had lost weight, but the way I had done it was not healthy, nor was it lasting. I knew the moment that a whole cheeseburger or a piece of cake passed my lips, the weight would start coming back. The bad thing was....I was starving. You can only tell yourself you are not hungry for so long before your body takes over and says "YES YOU ARE!" 
People were noticing the "new" me and more over....boys were noticing the new me. I was suddenly getting attention that I had never had (or knew I had) and I liked it. AND somewhere along the line I made up my mind that I was willing to risk my health to keep it.
From that time on until I reached my early 30's, I went through a succession of not eating, taking boxes of laxatives, and taking diet pills that no MD would prescribe. I never did purge.....as throwing up for me...even to look good....was not an option. However, I did take boxes of laxatives, sometimes taking as many as 10 or 12 pills at a time. And the diet pills....oh my goodness. I would travel over state lines to go to a clinic that would hand them out like candy. I spent years yo-yo dieting. I was just like an alcoholic.....addicted to losing weight and I had many of the bad habits and attitudes that went along with the addiction.
Finally in my early 30's I got it figured out, that if you exercised....then you could actually eat more and be okay. Well, I had it figured out sort of. I still had the addictive attitudes and ideas and I was deathly afraid of gaining weight.....so I did what all good addicts do.....I binged. This time on exercise. I began working out 3+ times a day, but did not eat the amount of food necessary to maintain that kind of a workout schedule. I was skinny though.....too skinny.
It was at this time in my life that I met and married my husband. He was a fantastic cook and somewhere along the line convinced me that no matter how I looked.....he loved me and found me attractive. That and I got pregnant almost immediately. What I wasn't willing to do for myself....I was willing to do for my child.....I ate. Soon, eating once again became something I didn't fear and my body began to show it. I gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy and then afterwards only took about 40 lbs off. I wasn't happy, but food and I had once again developed a loving relationship with each other....and I was not ready to give that up.
I maintained my weight pretty well for about four years. Never losing that last 30 lbs....but never really gaining either....until I got pregnant with my last child. With him I gained 40+ lbs....which was sad as I only actually carried him 27 weeks. He was born 13 weeks premature. I immediately lost 20 lbs....but have yet to EVER lose the last 20 or the 30 before that. In fact....I have gained another almost 40+.
Now if I want to play the "poor me" card....there have been issues that have caused me to turn to food for comfort. My son lay between life and death in the NICU for the better part of 5 months, my husband died suddenly of a brain anuerysm, my mother developed lung cancer and after surgery, chemo and radiation she died of colon cancer (yes I said colon,....not lung), my then 15 year old son went off the rails and dove head first into alcohol, drugs and anything else that would make me crazy, and I just pulled into myself, grabbed a cheesecake.....and never looked back. And that my friends....is why I am here. Too much information???? Well....I have only tipped the ice berg here, but you do see how I got here.
In the last few years I have begun to worry about my own health, as we obviously have a history of cancer in the family  and I was working overtime to make sure I had high blood pressure and possible heart disease. It really did worry me.....but not enough to do anything about it.....until this summer. My blood pressure was increasingly climbing.....one time reading as high as 160/98. That particular reading was probably more due to anxiety, but I was getting average readings of around 140/95. I knew that if I kept going the way I was....I was going to end up on blood pressure meds to go with my reflux, and thyroid meds. I didn't want to have to go that route. My dr. then challenged me to start working out 30 min. a day for a month and then come back to see her. My first thought was...."yeah right! What is that going to do?" Worrying though that if I didn't make a change me kids might not only be down one parent.....but two.....I decided to give it a try. I started heading to my local gym and working out. The first day I was only able to do about 20 min. and thought I would die. I knew as I was leaving the gym that the chances of me returning the next day were.....slim to none. But the next day I surprised myself. And then the next and the next....and soon I had worked the 20 min. into 25 and then 30. I was feeling better, but I wasn't seeing the results I wanted.....so I brought on board a trainer once a week....who then upped my workout to 45 min.
On returning to the dr. after what turned into 6 weeks, my pulse which had been racing up into the 90's was down to 70 and my blood pressure was down to 118/80. I was in shock. And this was all fine and well....but the 30+ lbs I had hope to lose over the summer has only turned into 10. This  could be in no small part due to the fact that although I have made some positive changes....I am still dealing with tons of stress, have a very sedentary job, and I have really not changed my eating habits that much. But that is all about to change....or at least I hope it does. 
I have wanted to do this blog for awhile....but refused to start it unless I felt that I could actually carry through with it. Because of the changes I have already made....I do feel that I will continue, so that is what this is going to be about. I am going to bombard you with my journey, my failures, my success, and all the wisdom I gain along the way. Sometimes it maybe funny, and other times....anything but, and still other times I may get on here and sound like the worlds biggest whiner, but whatever the case....those of you who choose to.....are going to be along for the ride....so buckle up and get ready....because here it is.......too much information and all!!!!!