Honesty

If you follow me on From Beginning to End and Back Again, you are aware that changes are taking place. They are not really changes that I consciously put into play, but possibly subconscious changes that have been trying to emerge for awhile. Changes have been on the horizon for some time now......but I was very confused as to what I wanted vs. what I needed and the path in which I was supposed to take. Many had given me input on what their "outside looking in" impression was of my life and at times I honestly think I was getting all tangled up in the difference between what they thought I needed for me and what I thought I needed for me. After awhile....the two seemed to cancel each other out and I was left feeling out of sorts, out of answers....and many days....out of my mind. I was losing direction and losing myself. I felt like a very old Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Suddenly though....I seem to have a lot more clarity. I have a desire and a drive that I don't seem to have had in a while....if ever. I am sure it is a God thing. You know...the thing that always end up happening in His time and is the thing we always wanted and needed.....even if we didn't know we wanted or needed it.

Again....if you know me or follow my other blog, then you know that blogging is/has been an integral part of who I am. It is how I state my opinion, share my thoughts and mostly put my crazy life into perspective. It is an extension of who I am and how I live. So you can imagine that when my blog is called out....I do in fact take it personally. No...I am not talking about the Anonymous's who state their opinion occasionally negatively on my blog. No...I am talking about another blogger who may or may not know what they are talking about....who decided to critique my work. Recently....Said Blogger contacted me with some unsolicited advice and an unrequested critique obviously feeling that it was for my own good. They let me know that my blog was "okay" but pretty much a "fluff piece." Now before people go getting pissy.....yes...it is my blog, my opinion and my choice of what to write. However....in the bigger scheme of things....most bloggers who are blogging to be read by a larger audience, do their best to make their blogs pertinent, relevant and interesting. Said Blogger (SB) didn't really feel that my blog was enough of any of these things to reach an audience beyond my immediate friends and my little home town. In essence...it was felt that my blog was not bold enough....not honest enough.....and yes....not interesting enough to gain much of an audience. Honesty was the word that was used quite often in our correspondence.

My first reaction was OUCH! Followed by some other less polite four-letter words. Needless to say..they were said under my breath and to myself....but never the less...they were said. I feel/felt as if my blog has been much more than a fluff piece...after all...it is about my life and my life has been a lot of things, but fluff was not one of them. However....going back and reading some of my work, I do see where "honesty" came into play. Yes...my work is honest, but only to a point. Often when I start getting "real" with my blog....I mask the honesty behind humor. Granted humor has it's place and I really feel that people need their dead on honesty tempered with a lit/lot of humor, but if I am not really feeling the humor.....then why mask? Why not let the anger, frustration, sadness or loneliness go wherever it takes me? That is what (SB) pointed out. If I allow myself to blog to the full extent of my emotions then I am being 1) true to myself and 2) completely honest with my audience/readers. While I do question whether my readers want to see that much honesty from my blog(s) I did get the lesson being taught and I do understand that as a blogger....a writer....a woman.....I have to be true to my words and my words have to mean something....even if it is only to me. That is when I am being true to myself.

Said blogger also sought out this blog and my Life With the Incredible Mr. David blog. It was felt that in my David blog......again I was masking and hiding....this time with fear. I was holding back and it was felt that there was much more story there than I was telling. Again....the honesty was being missed. Finally.....I was found to be the most dishonest in this blog as I was hiding from myself and trying to avoid real life with humor and diversions that distracted from the real topic at hand. I might be able to skirt the truth with the average reader, but not with another writer. They could see through my facade.....zero in on the BS...and apparently feel free to call me out on it. And so it was done.

Funny how this happened the day after I woke up feeling so completely different. I am thinking it was one of those things that happens how and when it is suppose to, because if it had happened even one day earlier....I would have been deeply wounded, indignant as hell and blogging the tar out of the nerve of another blogger being so bold as to call me out in such a way. I have no doubt that this was not particularly done with the respect for  my fragile ego in mind nor was it particularly done as constructive criticism. On the contrary....I think (SB) was letting me know that in their opinion.....my blog was not capable of cutting the mustard because I was not.....nor could I be....honest enough to blog without hiding or masking. Regardless of what the intent behind the correspondence was......I did take it to heart. Not in the poor me, people are picking on me and my blog and don't like either of us kind of way, but in the.....could there actually be some relevance to what (SB) is saying kind of way. After reading and re-reading several of my blogs I have come to the conclusion that (SB) could not be more correct if they were my own inner conscience. Thy nailed me head on and they were absolutely right. Again...OUCH! It hurts even more when it is deserved.

So what does one do when they are full of doodie, running scared, not completely honest and worst of all......called on it? You either get real or give up. I am not about to give up. This does not mean that my blogs are now going to be completely filled with deep introspective stuff that in its own way can be just as unappealing as fluff. What it does mean though....is that I am going to do my best to quit hiding behind the fluff, the humor and the fear and start allowing myself the honesty that apparently my readers sense is missing from my blogs. Don't worry though.....I am still me and I am sarcastic, opinionated and yes.....even humorous and the point is not to quit being me.....the point is to be an honest me. And sometimes.....honestly.....I am just opinionated, sarcastic and funny. I really don't go any deeper. Sorry (SB)!

I thought the first place I really needed to be honest with both my readers and myself was right here. This blog was originated because I wanted to make life changes. However....if you read this.....it is pretty obvious that I have difficulty being honest with the way the situation truly is.....therefore I derail myself with little white lies that I tell myself and get away with.....because none of you know the honest truth. Today that ends.

Since it is the month of fright and terror......are you ready for some scary facts? Well hold on to your broomsticks cause here they come.

Two things I have tried to lie about since I was old enough to realize that they are two things people judge you by....are my weight and my age. Even when I was a size 6 I lied thinking that to someone....a size 2 or 3 would be more appealing. So you can imagine if I was lying about weighing 110 lbs back then.......the whoppers that come out of my mouth now. Well....actually I never give a number so it is really a lie by omission. Also....without a number of reference then I have no accountability. It is the lack of accountability this last year that has kept me from losing the weight I need to lose and getting where I need and want to be.

So here goes. I restarted Weight Watchers two weeks ago. I was 48 years old then and I am now 49. On the day I started Saturday Oct. 1st my 5' 1 3/4" frame weighed in at......193.4 lbs. I will have you know that is the most honest and difficult thing I have ever had to blog. My hands are shaking even as I am typing this. Saturday Oct. 15th, my 49th birthday, I stepped on the scales and had lost down to 190.4. It is a 3 lb loss with many more pounds ahead to go. My goal is to be down to 125 lbs and believe me....it will be a great deal of work. Perhaps now though....I have a better chance of achieving that goal and doing the work necessary to get there because for the first time I have been completely honest about my weight. It feels good and scary at the same time and I won't lie.....I am a bit afraid that people will judge me by and because of those numbers.

Those are some pretty scary numbers....but they are honest. I plan on taking it one step further and adding a picture very soon. I am having one taken especially for this. Just another way to quit hiding and masking and to start to be real with who I am and what I want for and from my life. So (SB).....I have no idea of the real intent behind your criticism, but I want to "honestly" thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words were what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them....and I can't help but believe that I will be eternally grateful that you expressed them. So thank you. Now.....let the journey begin.

So We Meet Again

So we meet again! It's only been four months and really I have only fluctuated about 3-5 pounds since last we talked. Yeah...I know, good but not good enough. My scales taunt me every morning. I try to cover them with dirty clothes, shoes....a chair, but still I see it peering at me with it's shiny steel exterior an the guilt kind of slaps me in the face. Well...obviously not that much guilt though...as I have snuck several Hot Rod burgers into my diet over the summer, but let us not dwell on the past. Sigh. 

My workout routine has dwindled down to only lifting David (which is no small task) and walking to and from my car. I can feel the difference and know that going back in....I am going to be starting from zero again. That's okay though....as long as I am starting. I did obtain a punching bag..... which I feel I need for many reasons and I plan to start using that regularly. I do have the good old gym pass, but I am back to trying to find time to use it. Guess I have to do that stinkin' priority thing again. Bleh!

I will say that now as opposed to even in May, I am a lot happier with myself. I have finally come to terms with how I look to myself and how I look to the world and I think I am starting to see the difference between the two. I also have come to the understanding that there are two kinds of people out there. One is the kind that sees only the exterior and they make the decision on who you are from that vantage point and then two....the kind who see you for all the things you are inside and out and the exterior is pretty irrelevant. I like the second kind the best, but we all know that life is nothing if not dealing with both. This has become particularly important recently as I have made steps to get back into the dating game. I am hiding nothing and make no apologies for anything. I am who I am and that is how I am approaching each situation. It actually seems to be working for me too! Perhaps it is true. With age does come wisdom.

Some of the healthy life style changes that I worked so hard on pre-summer have continued: lots of water, salads. more chicken and fish, and some of the less healthy changes have also edged their way back in. I drink too much diet soda, don't work out at all and of course....the Hot Rod Burger. I also let a little alcohol into the diet this summer which depending on which article you read.....is either a good thing or a bad thing, but I am pretty sure Old Settlers Weekend....it was a bad thing. A really bad thing. Thank goodness that only comes around once a year.

So I have dusted this blog off and I am back. Now you will get to hear even more lamenting, whining and yes....bitching and hopefully you will hear some good stuff too. And I am giving you full permission to give me any "friendly" advice you deem necessary to keep me on track.....cause people, it is going to take a village to make this girl hot again. Hell....I'd settle for luke warm. Now go away while I finish my pizza. Happy Friday everyone!

Negativity Can Make You Fat!

Yeah....ummm....okay! Ummm....well, I am just not sure where to start. If you are standing and plan on reading this whole thing....may I suggest you sit. In fact, you might want to grab a snack, a drink and put on your comfy clothes....because we could be here for awhile.

I have been about to burst at the seams recently with frustration both at myself and those that reside in my world. I feel like I have so much to say, but then when it comes right down to it....I have difficulty finding the words. Yes...me! I am having difficulty with words. How many of you fainted dead on the floor over that one?

A friend/reader of mine who has been keeping up with all my blogs coined this my b!tch blog. She said....this is where you let it all hang out. The good, the bad, and the really ugly! Well today I may live up to that description as I feel really ugly!

As you all know I have been working very hard to not only change my life but throw a little health and weight loss into the mix too. Some days....I do okay. In fact there are times when I feel as if I am making giant leaps forward. BUT then something happens and I feel as if I have lost every ounce of ground I thought I had gained. It is so frustrating and I feel as if I let myself down with a huge thud.

I find it amazing that one day I can wake up and feel on top of the world and the next feel as if I would have to reach up to meet the curb. It is all perception and how I allow myself to feel...and more importantly....how I allow others to make me feel. Then when the little things like gray hair and sore knees start creeping in....I seriously consider just throwing in the towel and looking for a nice comfortable place to hide from the world with my good friends sugar and pretty much anything fried.

I think I have mentioned before that there are certain people in my family who seem to delight in trying to turn me inside out. I try to avoid these people as much as possible.....but since they are family, it is not always that easy. And I know many of you think....family or not....kick 'em to the curb and call it good! In theory that sounds like a vacation of epic proportions in my world, but in reality...it doesn't even come close to being a possibility. There are so many things tied into this dynamic....not the least of which is my house, that I have to walk a pretty narrow tight rope with these people. However....what I don't have to do is let their words affect me as they do. But for some reason I seem to be allowing them to cut deep and leave a mark!

An example of the craziness that I allow to wound me and therefore stop all progress dead in its tracks happened the other day. I happened to be at a certain  family members house and actually....I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then it happened! The words...."I thought you were trying to lose weight! What the hell happened to your diet?" came out of his mouth and apparently struck a major nerve. At the time I thought I handled it well, but once back in my own little comfort zone....a piece of me ended up battered and bruised. Bruised to the point that I tried to recover with food. Sweet....salty....fried....I didn't care. I was oozing what was left of my self-esteem and I wanted to fill the void with food.



After the binge...and yes, there was a bit of a binge....I tried to figure the whole situation out. The conclusion I came to was....for some reason this individual and maybe the whole dang lot of them feel threatened when I feel good. It is a weird concept to me as you would think family would support your efforts for improvement in life and health, but apparently....mine see it differently. Mine see it as something to fear or at the very least ridicule. And I fall into their trap every time and allow myself to feel like cr@p over things I have no reason to feel like cr@p over.

I will give myself props for the fact that even though my self-esteem was draggin' tail....I did continue to hit the gym regularly as time allowed last week. The weekend was not quite as actively productive, but I was back at it again today trying to work through my issues and the burger and chips I consumed over the weekend. And in fact, the weekend was somewhat cathartic for me. Saturday I worked on my house, but Sunday....other than going to church, I did absolutely nothing......except think. And of course you always think better with snacks so....I think you know where I am going with this.

At any rate....I came to some conclusions. I don't give a rats patootee what anyone else on the planet thinks about me or what they say to or about me. It is in most cases, like water off a ducks back. So WHY do I let these people affect me so? Especially when I have pretty much come to the conclusion that their words come from a place of self-dissatisfaction and jealousy. Why do their words hold so much more power than anyone elses on the planet? Because of course....they are family and they should be cheering me on instead of ridiculing me. Bottom line though......they never have and they never will and the definition of insanity (as we all know) is doing something over and over again...expecting different results. So I am insane to believe that they are ever going to change. If they don't...then I must....or else I have a whole lot of years of self-esteem crippling binges ahead of me. How I am going to change my reactions to them is still a bit of a stumper as obviously they hold a power over me I have to break. I am just not sure how to do that and keep everything else is my world in tact. This will take a bit more thinking. Perhaps next time though.....carrot and celery sticks will be my thinkin' food.

Another conclusion I have come to concerns my knee pain. I did quite a bit of reading on this and I think a lot of my problem is trying to do too much too fast. When I was slowly but steadily increasing my workouts.....my knees were fine. However....when I jumped ahead and started trying to run and kicked myself up to an hour on the elliptical....that is when the pain was really starting to get to me. After resting this weekend though, the knees felt fine and I tried this morning to change up my workout in a way that kept me working out for an hour....but not steadily on the elliptical. I will get back there again....but slowly....not all at once.

Finally...I have said it before.....it is amazing how deep in denial we can be. I obviously have burrowed myself in to the point that it takes a photo to bring me back to reality. I have never really liked having my picture taken.....even at my thinnest. But now I can look back and appreciate those pictures for what they were.....a true expression of how I looked. The other day....I saw a current picture of myself. It was a gut shot to my ego....my self-esteem and to the effort I feel that I have been putting in to all of this. When I saw this picture.....I didn't see someone who has lost weight....I saw someone who still desperately needs to lose weight. The picture I had of myself in my minds eye (denial) and the stark reality of the photo....were worlds apart. It actually made me want to sit down and cry. How sad is that?

Once I got off the pity pot though and did some straight talking to myself....I did feel some better. First of all...if I look like that now....how must I have looked 3 months ago? Six months ago? A year ago? This is actually improvement. And I know my clothes are getting looser and my face is getting some thinner....but the truth is.....I still have a long way to go and hiding from it or pretending that things are not as they are, is not going to help me get there. It is time I get real with myself and pull myself out of the puddle of denial that I am in. Only then, can I move forward and accomplish my goals. After all of this....was it any wonder I was too mentally and physically exhausted to even change the channel on the remote?

Okay....so you maybe wondering....why do I feel the need to share all of this? I have said it before and I will say it again...I am not the only one out there with issues. Family issues! Health issues! Lifestyle issues! Weight issues! Most of us have some sort of issue or another that holds us back, makes us feel less about ourselves, or keeps us from being who we really want to be. Sometimes just knowing that someone else out there is battling similar demons makes it easier for us to grab a hold and make the changes we need to. The Biggest Loser does this for me....and maybe I can pay it forward and do it for someone else. And I am not going to lie.....it helps me tremendously to just get it out there and basically purge myself of the negativity and unhealthy feelings I seem to like to hold inside. After all....if I have learned nothing else....I have learned that....negativity can make you fat!

Not So Bad

Alright....so yesterday wasn't so bad. According to the WW scale, since the last time I weighed in there.....I was down 3.2 pounds. Their scale said I was exactly 2 pounds more than what I weighed on my home scale last week. The difference between my scale this week and theirs was mine weighed me at 2 pounds more than theirs did. Confused yet? While I am perfectly happy to run with their numbers.....being the pain in the tush that I am, I fixated on the numbers. Whose are right? I want to believe the WW scales...but I tend to go with mine. It simply means I have to work harder....and harder I worked.

This morning I managed an hour and 20 minute circuit training workout. Within that workout I walked 2.5 miles and I mixed in weights, stair running, crunches (I am sure my side will love me), squats and kickboxing. According to my little calorie converter....when all was said and done...I burned 750 calories. That was a necessary burn since I won't be able to get to the gym for the next two days. That is good and bad. Bad because I don't want to fall out of my groove and good because I really think my body needs the rest. I also have to get to the place where I don't feel like I am doing something wrong or sabotaging myself if for some reason I need a day of rest from working out or I simply can't make it to the gym. It is when I start feeling those feelings of guilt that I start behaving badly with food. I am hoping that this weekend I will be too busy to have time to dwell on my lack of workouts or food. My issue is that I don't want to be so busy that I reach for fast food. I am REALLY bad about that.

I treated myself for lunch with one of my favorite Dillon's salads heavy on the fruits and veggies. It was a 10 pointer because I also love the cuckes in Italian dressing and cottage cheese. It still leaves me with 19 points for the rest of the day and since it is just David and I tonight....I have no idea what is on the menu. I am thinking a WW dinner and a salad.

Yesterdays meeting was kind of bittersweet. As of yet...there is no one to replace our leader and there is no guarantees there will be one by fall. My choices to remain going to WW are...I can go to a mtg in Derby. Derby Dillon's has one in their conference room at 7 a.m. on Fridays which wouldn't be bad for the summer. I also like the fact that I could go in and weigh first thing in the morning and then not have to worry about starving myself 3/4 of the day. I could go straight from their to the gym and then on to work. A definite possibility. I can also just do etools which is WW online program (paying monthly of course), but you are basically on your own with no accountability and then finally......I could just use the WW tools I have and do it strictly on my own and hope that by fall we have a leader and I haven't fallen off the healthy eating/working out wagon. Decisions! Decisions!

Well...it is much later and I am exhausted. Supper ended up to be about 12 pts with a WW meal, cottage cheese and a WW cinnamon bar. I barely had time to eat as I spent the evening baking, cleaning and doing laundry. It makes quite a distraction away from food, not to mention a pretty decent workout. My legs are feeling it tonight....as is the rest of my body. It really stinks when your body reminds you that it is not 20 anymore....or even 30. Hey, at this point....I would settle for 40. Oh well...it may suck getting older, but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative. That being said....I think I will call it a night.

Hope you have sweet dreams and that your head always lays on the cool side of the pillow!

 

Three Days Later...................

So I did an hour on the elliptical again this morning. It resulted in 5 miles and 730+ calories burned. I truly thought I might keel over and die this morning. If it hadn't been for the words "don't quit unless you puke, faint or die," I don't think I would have made it. I did though and I am proud of it.

I think I have hit on something interesting that I have surmised for awhile...but didn't want to admit. I think diet pop may be what is behind my headaches. This morning for the second day in a row, I woke up with a headache. Both days prior, I had had a diet pop. Now granted we are in the midst of allergy season and that could play a part, but thinking back, I have had only one maybe two headaches during the last 6 weeks. Now I have had two in a row both.... after possibly drinking diet pop. I am thinking maybe I should just leave the stuff alone. I haven't had any since last night and I don't intend to have any tonight. It should be interesting to see how my head feels in the morning.

I have also started with a side pain. I have had this side pain for a couple of years and had it checked out a while back. The dr. felt that it was muscle related and after awhile it quit hurting. In the last few days though...it has come back full force. I am wondering if it is connected to the crunches I have been doing? I did crunches both Friday and yesterday and today....I am really uncomfortable. Ibuprofen helped some....but as it is wearing off...the pain is coming back and making me somewhat irritable. I went ahead and made a drs. appt because I am not about to let anything slow my workouts down. However...I may give the crunches a rest and see if the side pain takes care of itself before my appt. I am thinking a nice muscle relaxant might work...but I believe I used all of mine up with my last go around. Drat!

Well...I didn't get the above posted yesterday. The reason being.....I was in major pain. I went home....took a handful of ibuprofen and laid down with the heating pad. I didn't move the rest of the evening. I am not sure what all I ate yesterday...but I am fairly sure that I stayed within my points.

This morning I woke up feeling much better and in much less pain, which leads me to believe that this is indeed muscular. The heat helped a lot and thank goodness that it is still cool enough outside that the heat from the pad didn't give me extreme hot flashes. As the day has worn on ....the pain has sort of come back, but nothing like yesterday and again....my heating pad and I have yet another date tonight.

I did workout this morning. Because of it being late start....I only worked out half an hour, but I tried to make it count. I did the workout on the elliptical (apparently my new best friend) and did 2.5 miles burning about 330 calories. I was so glad I made it through without pain. Yay me!

Believe it or not....another day has gone by.This whole side thing has really been a pain (both realistically and figuratively). Did I use those words correctly? Awww at this point....who cares?! After another night of heating pad and ibuprofen, I am starting to feel better. I did make it to the gym today. Between elliptical, stationary bike and treadmill, I went for a total of one hour, 6.7 miles and burned 529 calories. I would not let myself stop. I am mad at me!!!

I was really down this morning. I know that today is my last WW weigh in for awhile. I wanted to weigh at home and compare my scale with the WW one just to make sure I stayed on track until  a) we find a new WW leader or  b) I find a new meeting. Now granted....sugar has drifted back into my diet a bit and I did do the whole Easter thing, Red Lobster things, jelly beans thing and crackers thing.....but still....I thought I had done pretty good on my points this week(quit snickering...it's not funny! It's called denial!). Anyway....when I stepped on the scales....it was very ugly and told me that I had gained my 4 lbs from last week back. How hateful is that????? I really was disappointed. It took me a moment to regain myself because I felt an immediate nose dive in both attitude and determination. Darn...I thought I was over that. NOT!

I guess progress is being made because as each negative thought came to the surface, my immediate response was to come up with a positive or at the very least cut the negative off at the knees. Here is a little peak into the scary workings of my mind:
Negativity: I am not going to work out!
New Me: Yes you are and you are going to workout twice as hard!
Neg.: I am not  going to go weigh in today. I just don't even want to know.
NM: Yes you are. You need that last meeting! Now quit whining!
Neg.: Lets just have pizza for lunch. Why do I even care at this point?
At this point I turned around and smacked my forehead on the wall....which kind of felt like a cosmic b!tch slap and immediately I shoved the negative thoughts right out of my head.

Truthfully, I probably gained for several reasons. One was the sugar intake. I think sugar leaves a very negative foot print on my body. Also...although I "think" I stayed within my points this week, I was not as good at documenting and by not writing it down....things (and by things I mean points) can slip through the cracks and add up. Finally...the old..... make a fatty feel better response....muscle weighs more than fat and after all....I am working out and gaining muscle. However....I seriously doubt that I have gained 4 pounds of muscle in one week.

The upside to all of this is....my clothes especially pants are much looser. In fact most of my pants are almost too big at this point. That is a pretty good sign that if nothing else, with all the working out....I am losing inches. Again....today's gain is not the end of the world, it was just a bit disappointing. It is also not as if I stayed on track every day during the week and had no loss. The bottom line is....I went off track a bit and the scales showed it. So rather than fall into the negatives, I simply have to get back on track. I still have a goal I want to reach by the end of May, and I will not give up until I reach that goal.

Well there has been no food today and maybe the WW scales will weigh me less which will only help my ego a little as I know what my scales weighed me at last week and I will still know what they weighed me at this morning. Sigh! I will however take ego boosts where ever I can get them.

It took me three days...but I finally got this blog posting out. Hopefully my next one won't take so long. Here is hoping that your afternoon is sunny and bright. Till next time....have a great day!

So Today I Catch You Up

Well...I fell off the wagon of every day blogging on this blog....I just got so busy from Thursday on,  that I ran out of time to do it all. So today I catch you up.The weekend was my 20% don't worry about what I ate time. I did go a little a rye as far as points go, or at least I think I did, because I didn't write a thing down. I didn't work out Thursday, but Friday I did my circuit training and burned approx. 430 calories  and Saturday I did an hour on the elliptical which was 5 mi. and another 700 calories. Sunday I rested but today I was back at it. I went 2.5 miles on the elliptical in 30 minutes, burning a little over 300 calories and then I did another 30 min. of legs on the weights plus some stretches and crunches on the exercise ball....using approx. 130 + calories. It wasn't an extraordinary workout, but I NEEDED the stretching badly and my legs tend to not usually get the workout that my arms do.

I found out that once again I am either clueless or just simply get things wrong most of the time. Last Thursday was NOT my last WW meeting. THIS Thursday is. Therefore I have one more weigh in before this session ends. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will find someone new to run our meetings between now and then. As I have said before.....I NEED my meetings. They are the only thing that stands between me and falling back into old habits. My meetings are my accountability and goodness knows....I have to have accountability!!!!

While working out this morning, I had to laugh. I really wonder what people think of me sometimes? Every once in awhile I get some interesting looks while working out, and I am pretty sure I know why. For one...I breathe like I just sprinted up Mt. Everest. When I work out hard....I breathe really hard and heavy. I think people not so much stare, but keep an eye on me with their finger poised to dial 911....afraid I may keel over and fall off the elliptical at any moment. I am sure me going 200+ strides per minute, panting like a dog and dripping sweat....is sending up red flags all over the gym. And yet...I survive. I am also sure that I pose a pretty picture because I get into my music when I am working out....especially on the elliptical. Honestly....my music is the only thing that gets me through most workouts. I really get lost in it because often, that is the only thing I can focus on. So occasionally I will catch myself gliding away to AC/DC or Guns and Roses and I will be shaking my money maker for all that it is worth. Since my back is to the room and my rear end is center stage, I should be charging admission for the show those behind me are getting. Actually though...now that I think of it....no one seems to workout behind me....for long! Coincidence??? I really don't think so!

I also get into my music when I am doing my track laps. I caught myself doing a wicked Tootsie Roll while lapping the other day. Those poor old folks walking the track with me....had absolutely no idea what to think. I have got to watch myself or they are gonna ban me from the track! And it can only get worse now that I have new music on my phone. I can see Meatloaf and I doing some serious moves......and none of it particularly attractive. Perhaps I should just apologize in advance to anyone who works out at the DRC and happens to have to walk or work out behind me. Sometimes I just can't help myself!

While I did not eat my points strictly over the weekend, I can see tremendous change in my eating habits. I ate some candy, but instead of a bag.....I ate pieces. I chose healthy snacks such as WW string cheese and grapes rather than a hunk of pie, and knowing we were having bbq burgers and hot dogs for Easter dinner...I took along my own "thin buns" which is 1 pt. instead of a regular bun which is anywhere from 3-4 pts. I also brought my own Special K "chips" instead of eating sides such as baked beans and potato salad.

I think the biggest change I have seen in myself is my diet pop consumption. Midnight Saturday....Lent was over and I was free to drink diet pop again. I was so ready that I even had a diet root beer sitting by my bed ready for the clock to strike. Midnight came and went and I slept through it. When I woke up at 2:30 a.m. dying of thirst....I reached over the pop and went straight for the water which was also at my bedside. It was not until lunch Easter that I finally had a diet Mt. Dew.....and truthfully....it wasn't all that great. I am sure that diet pop will creep back into my diet from time to time, but water and I have gotten pretty close.....I don't even drink much tea anymore. I think water and I maybe a more permanent thing than what I first thought. But just watch....now that I guzzle water by the gallon, it won't be long and the FDA will be warning us of the hazards of drinking water. At that point....I think I will just give up!

Well...today was my usual salad for lunch. That and my yogurt and a iced sugar cookie made by my bosses mother all came to a total of 13 points. Was the cookie a wise way to spend those points? If you are looking at it from a "how many  points will I have left for supper" point of view....possibly not. If however....you are looking at it from a taste perspective..........ABSOLUTELY it was a good way to spend those points because it was d*e*l*i*c*i*o*u*s!!!!!!! And even though Miss Becca brought in boocous of those delicious melt in your mouth morsels....I only took one. Look at me being all good and not eating more than one. Who would have thunk it?!

 Okay...so I made it out of work before I had a second cookie. Yay me! Unfortunately I was ambushed by jelly beans when I walked in my front door. Boo me! The will power is apparently questionable today. This is not good! The beans were small and gourmet. For 17 beans, they have a points value of 4. Well....not horrible. Supper was then a Lean Cuisine Spaghetti (7) and ff cottage cheese (2) and a WW ice cream bar (3). Tonight's total.....(16). The points for the day are gone as I have used up the entire 29 pts.

While I did what I did (cookie and jelly beans), I did stay within my points BUT...looking at the daily totals, I wasted 9 pts on junk that was neither healthy nor did it fill me up. In fact, the cookie just made me hungry for more sugar....which in turn caused the jelly bean feast as I walked in the door. I would much rather have used those 9 pts on something more filling or maybe not even used them at all. Sigh! At least I recognize it and if I become ravenous before bed time there is always fruit or cucumbers....both having zero calories. Lesson well learned. No mid-week sugar again!

So I am tired and think I will make an early evening of this drury day. Tomorrow will be a busy one and I am sure I will feel the need to work out twice as hard. Until tomorrows blog....may you have wonderful night!

I AM the Biggest Loser!

It has been a day and I am beyond tired. I have cheesecakes to make and barely the strength to make them. We finally got Z figured out....I think. He has what they said he had the other night, which I cannot pronounce to save my life, but it is essentially a secondary infection in his man region. It is extremely painful and he can barely walk. They think it is secondary to an ear infection he has had almost chronically since Oct. The dr. today a man....nearly fainted when he found out that the dr. (a woman) had sent Z home the other night without pain meds. Along with all of this....Z has been extremely fatigued. They started running all kinds of tests on him and the "c" word was even tossed into the mix. I can't even hardly think about my kids and cancer let alone hear a dr. use the word in regards to one of them. My heart about stopped.

After all the tests, sonogram, blood work, etc. we came out with a different...stronger antibiotic, pain meds and no cancer....thank God! It is just going to be tough going for Z for the next 10 days to 3 weeks...but hopefully by Monday he will be feeling much better.

So with all of today's drama and running around.....WW was out of the question. The bad news is....today was my last meeting and I didn't get to weigh in or find out if they have found us a new leader or if and/or when a new session will be starting. I need my meetings Man! The good news is......drum roll please...............I LOST 4.2 POUNDS THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!! That's right! So you all know what this means?!  I will continue my daily blogging on TMI (well...maybe not Sundays) and I will continue documenting points and workouts, because.....it's working! In the last 2 weeks I have lost a total of 7.2 pounds and not once have I gone hungry or felt deprived. This loss has even come amongst some low times where I veered off and didn't do as well. Usually my low points or bad behavior happen on the weekends which sort of works out to the 80/20 schedule I talked about a few days ago.

I am so ecstatic even with as crummy as the last two days have been! What is even better is that I had set a number last week that I wanted to be at or below this week. I am 2.2 lbs below that number and right now....I weigh less than I have weighed in about 8 years. I AM REALLY DOING THIS!

In the midst of all of today's fun though, working out just simply didn't happen and I had half a Spangles Western Burger and some Cinnamon Sugar Almonds.....and there may have been some other stuff, I kinda lost track about 3 p.m. I don't care though. I know tomorrow I will be back in the gym and I will be back on my points and with any luck, this time next week there will be even less of me.

Well I am exhausted and as I said....I have cheesecakes to make, so I guess I will get to work, but I just had to share with you all and let you know that tonight....in Lisaland.....I am.....THE BIGGEST LOSER!