2018

And we're back! Happy New Year everyone. I hope this finds you all healthy, happy and feeling no adverse effects from last night.

It has been awhile. Why? Because I have been on the journey of a lifetime and I never left my living room. I must say that 2018 was the most difficult, miraculous, painful and educational year I have ever lived through. It brought me huge sadness, joy and wisdom just to cover the basics. I learned about my world, the people in it and most of all....myself. Funny thing though, at the end of the day when the dust had cleared from it all, my journey brought me right smack dab back in the middle of.....Trim Healthy Mama. Hmmmm....you say. Curious?

Tell you all what. Go grab yourself a nice steaming cup of Bullet Proof Coffee (mine is butter toffee), wrap your blanket close around you and sit back and you and I will share the next few minutes as I tell you about my 2018 and my journey back to THM and myself. Go ahead. I'll wait!

Now that we are all comfy...... My 2018 was a roller coaster ride. There was sickness, total despair when I thought I might lose my home and great joy when my community, friends, neighbors and complete strangers rallied around my son and I and helped us to save it. I had no more than caught my breath from that when my youngest son who is special needs had to have a major spinal surgery which was touted to be his worst one so far. How can it get worse when he almost died from one of the others? This surgery however was necessary and ultimately life saving as well as quality of life saving. Blessedly, the surgery was in no way as bad as predicted and his recovery was one of the many miracles that happened in my life during the year.

In May I was given a bit of a roller coaster reprieve until July. Yep, July was when my world went into overdrive and I wasn't sure I was going to make it to see 2019. On July 2nd, (which little fun fact.... is not a great day for me to begin with as it is the anniversary of my husbands death), my older son came to me and told me that he was a meth addict. Yes, he was a full fledged, shooting up 5-7 times a day, addict. It was the beginning of a nightmare few weeks where I started to recognize things I had denied and started seeing who he, myself and a few others really were.

Those first weeks nearly killed me, literally, as I lived off diet soda, stress and no sleep. I rallied to help my addicted son, sure that I could cure him, fix him and save him. I was in 24/7 Superwoman mode constantly on the phone trying to find a place to take him, a place for him to stay and counseling. As quick as I had something in place and had him set up, he would walk back out. He preferred the streets and meth over rehab, counseling and sober living. I was devastated and still in "savior/victim" mode.....until I wasn't. Suddenly one day when all that was left of me was fumes and I nearly passed out in church, I realized that I was powerless over my sons choices, meth and addiction in general. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew what I was currently doing wasn't working and the path I was on was taking me on the fast track to ruining my health and possibly even killing me. I had a special needs son to think about and at this point in time, I needed to focus on him. That day I dropped my addicted son off at a gas station of his choosing, I drove home and went to bed. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. When I woke up though, my thinking was clearer and I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I have never looked back.

Since that day, I have learned so much about myself and my own part in his addiction and I have learned about him. I have also learned a lot about life, my faith and who I am now vs who I was last July. My son is still an addict but in December, he decided to make some changes to his life and to begin recovery. As his mother I am happy but also leaving any expectations of the future out of it. I just pray each day he finds the strength and faith to keep taking it one day at a time on his road to recovery and I welcome any prayers you might give him, too.

So you can imagine, that it felt like I crammed several years worth of drama and an entire tele novella into one small year. When I started Al-Anon though, I was very surprised that much of what I was learning there was familiar to me. Then one day it hit me. Much of what THM teaches us walks hand in hand with Al-Anon. In both, you learn to put the focus on you while remembering that nothing we do is alone. God is always there. As someone who has always had faith, not until recently did I realize that there is a huge difference between claiming faith and actually walking the walk and talking the talk. Both Al-Anon and THM also teach us to forgive ourselves for our human weaknesses. The moment that was brought up in Al-Anon, I was immediately reminded of my first days reading about THM where they tell us that if we eat outside of plan, not to panic or condemn ourselves but to forgive our humanness and jump right back on plan in 3 hours. Finally THM also teaches us that although there is a plan set out before us, different things work for different people in the weight loss journey. Some people can eat crossovers and lose, some more S meals and some more E meals. It is up to each of us as individuals to find out what works for us on our weight loss journey. This same theme is shared throughout Al-Anon. The same thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone and it is up to each of us to find what does.

I also learned that my son is not the only addict in our family. I too am an addict and food is my drug of choice. As I learned about addiction and why people choose to continue a life of addiction even knowing the danger they cause to their health and their very lives, I realized that my drug of choice though legal, could have just as deadly of results in the end. Truthfully, I eat as a coping mechanism. I eat when I am depressed. I eat when I am stressed. I eat to hide from the world because in my "sick" way of thinking.....food is my only friend, enjoyment and escape.....and yet it is slowly destroying my health, my quality of life and if not addressed and dealt with, could eventually take away my life. Yep....it sounds like addiction to me.

I am learning to deal with facing things....even the hard stuff....instead of letting it fester and become a reason to binge. I am learning to focus on what I can handle and handling it and then turning the rest over to God. I am mostly though, realizing that my focus needs to remain on me and to understand that I am a good person who deserves a good life. Sometimes keeping the focus is difficult, but when it is, I simply focus on the moment and getting through that. Anyone can get through 60 seconds. 

So with all that I am learning, I have discovered that even through all of the negative of 2018, it brought me far more positive. In this last year I have found a new sense of who I am. I have learned that I am not in control of anyone or anything but myself! I also learned that maybe it was not others that needed to change as much as it was my own outlook that needed a change. That I can fix.

I see the world through much different eyes now and I see me much differently too. For the first time in maybe forever, I understand that I am worth the effort of a walk, a yoga workout and the wisdom of THM. I am worth the time in the kitchen and the time spent learning new recipes and loving myself.

So with this new year on us, you would think that with all my new found awareness that I have oodles and gobs of resolutions to start the year. You would be wrong. Resolutions are expectations and expectations whether it be weight loss, working out or even expectations of others, seldom work out. When they fall through, then we feel as if its a failure. There is no room for failure in my life. Instead, this year I am making decisions and my decisions go no further than the moment. Remember...we can do anything for 60 seconds and with each moment, I will give myself the love, acceptance and focus that I deserve.

Yes, it has been a year. A good year. Maybe even a great year and I am grateful for every moment because through it all, I found self-acceptance, grace and most of all....I found me!!! 

I wish each and every one of you an amazing new year and I hope that 2019 is filled with 525,600 amazing moments for all of you.

Till next time........