This Fat Girl Can't Do Yoga

This fat girl can't do yoga! Now before everyone gets upset and starts saying that I am "fat" shaming myself, let me stop you right there. First of all I am not. I am stating facts. I am the f-word. If you want to be technical, according to my weight app, I am "Obese class II". Fat in my book sounds so much better. Fat can be worked on and changed. Obese is a medical term that sounds like a disease that I might never recover from. In my head, fat I can do something about, obese....maybe not. So no shaming here at all. I am not ashamed, simply determined.

I have had great success with Trim Healthy Mama in the past, but it is not a miracle cure that once I lose the weight it stays gone. Just like anything in this life, it takes work and effort. Even though I felt great and my doctor was over the moon at all of my numbers and my overall health when I was working the plan, when I gave up on me and started eating unhealthy, chemically enhanced junk again and quit making myself a priority, the weight and the health issues came back with a vengeance. So what's a girl to do? I can either be Obese class II girl (or worse) or I can do what I know will work and what will get me healthy again. I can make myself and my health a priority.

Back in November, I started having blood pressure problems. Granted, some of it was due to stress but a lot of it was due to the way I was eating and the fact that although my life was busy, exercise was not a part of my routine. I ended up on blood pressure medication, but in my head I told myself that this was not going to be my life. My doctor even told me if I lost the weight, the blood pressure would come down and when that happened, he would gladly take me off the medication. Cool. Along with the blood pressure issue though, other parts of my body were starting to suffer from age, inactivity and the wrong kind of activity. I was starting to have real trouble with my back, shoulders and neck. I knew this trouble was coming from the constant lifting of my 18 year old special needs son. He is now nearly as tall as I am and weighs about 90 lbs. The fact that I don't do any real exercise, but then I lift him and his wheelchair multiple times a day puts me in the high risk category for destroying my muscles and joints, not to mention breaking bones. Any or all of this could put me out of commission for some time to come and make me useless as my sons caregiver. Yes, it is time to do something.

My doctor has suggested strength training for me. Being the stubborn person I am though, I am just not ready to step into a gym yet. I also am a control freak and feel like I can do it ALL myself so I am not ready to give up the possibility of home workouts until I have tried them and given them a fair shot. Thus came the idea of yoga. I have heard so many people with chronic conditions such as fibromyalgia or people who simply can't do regular exercise sing the praises of yoga and I knew from everything I read that it would likely help my back and muscles that were desperately in need of stretching and moving in more ways than just dead lifting 90 pounds over and over again. I also figured that yoga would be a nice "gentle" way to start working back into exercise and movement and I even had a plan.

I spent several days on YouTube watching yoga videos and trying to find something that I thought would be easy and effective. I actually found a whole series that I thought would be great. So I got my yoga mat and one day I declared "The day"  and I began. The first video I started with was a 15 minute morning video. It basically stretches you, wakes you up and gets your day started. I LOVED it. It was perfect and it really and truly has helped me with my tight shoulder muscles and my over all feeling of well being. With that being such a success, there was also a nighttime video to do just before bed. WOW! This one was also about 15 minutes long and it was phenomenal for helping me to shut down the day and relax. I am actually sleeping better. Yay! I am now two for two. I had to know that this winning streak was about to end.....and how right I was.

Since the morning and night yoga videos were so amazing, this same lady has 30 days worth of videos called "30 Days of Yoga". If you read up on them, this is supposed to be for anyone (beginner and beyond) and each day teaches you a new set of poses until after 30 days, the thought is that you/me/I should be fairly proficient at yoga. Well, this woman had not let me down so far, so let the Downward Dog begin. Now let me just say, Day #1 was 26 minutes long and I nearly died. No....seriously.....I nearly died. One of the poses she thought my Obese class II (aka fat) body should fold into cut off my air supply and I almost passed out. The only thing that saved me was the thought of my family coming home to find me dead in this less than attractive pose. Getting out of this pose with my body intact was no small feat...but I finally managed it. Then I had to plank. Planking looks far easier when someone who is long and thin does it than when someone is 5'1" and fat does it. I planked for 1/2 a seconded and then hit the mat sweaty and vowing to never eat sugar again. The sad thing was, I was only 4 minutes into the video. I spent the next 22 minutes calling this skinny yoga girl names and feeling sorry for myself because I was fat, sweaty and unable to bend without passing out or hold my own weight up with my toes. How had I come to this? 

Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT bashing yoga. Well, I actually was that day, but in general I am not. I have seen amazing things in myself with the truly beginner stuff in the morning and nighttime videos and I know that in time I will be able to get through more than 5 minutes of these videos and in fact master them, but not yet....and I am okay with that. It is simply a consequence of what I "chose" to do to myself with years of not taking care of myself.

I continue to do my two daily videos and I have gotten back on THM. The eating right alone makes me feel 100% better, but with the life I lead, I also need the exercise and some form of muscle toning/strength training. That being said, like everything else in life, I have to take it one step at a time. Starting on January 13th, Chrissy Benoit who runs the THM Challenge Group page, is starting a new challenge for the new year. I am all over this. I do fairly well with challenges and I hope to succeed yet again with this one. I am also joining my local gym during these winter months so that I can start a regular walking routine that isn't weather constricted (see....I am also working on my control issues too). I have weights at home and bosu ball that I plan to use to start working on my core and  muscle tone and yes I will continue to keep up with my morning and evening yoga and hopefully gradually start my 30 day yoga "challenge" again. I figure at the rate I am going, I should make it through those 30 days in about a year.

The lesson here is that we have to be realistic about who we are and where we are with our health. Saying I am "fat" doesn't mean I am ashamed or devastated by it. What it does mean is that I have an issue that could turn into a "real" life long problem for me if not taken care of and only I can love me enough to fix it. By staying realistic, I am not nearly so apt to deny my situation or let my health fall through the cracks. Reality can be really ugly if we refuse to acknowledge it, but the moment we choose to acknowledge it, is the moment we can take control and choose how to proceed. That's what I am doing.

So the reality is....this fat girl can't do yoga...today. In the tomorrows to come though, I plan to make yoga my b*tch!

Until next time........