Diets vs Programs

I hate diets but I want to be....skinny! Healthy! In shape! We've all said it and yet for most of us, it seems to be an unwinnable battle complete with frustration and in many cases, further weight gain. Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!  

Today's blog is a little bit about how we (especially women) tend to torture our bodies for the elusive gold star of perfection, only to find that the star isn't always so easily attainable and if we do get it, it isn't always as bright and shiny as we had hoped. It is also about the fact that we might be able to get on our way to being thinner, healthier, and in better shape without doing the whole "diet" thing. Are you intrigued?????? Then keep reading!

To begin with.....over the course of the last 30 years, I have probably been on every diet known to man, not limited to, but including diet pills of various kinds. Where did it get me? In most cases.....nowhere. In a few cases, I was smack dab in the middle of an eating disorder and in other cases, downright physically sick.  

So why did I or does anyone for that matter, do this to their bodies? Because we want what we think the world wants from us and expects us to look like. We want only one chin, the right size boobs, the right curves, and just enough junk in the trunk to fill out our favorite jeans. It really doesn't seem like that is asking too much, but then we find ourselves stress-eating an entire pizza at midnight and another chin just seems to drop on cue. We then realize that we are fighting a losing battle with all the things we want but can't seem to get. We don't look the way we want to because we stress eat and we stress eat because we don't look the way we want to. It is the very definition of frustration. 

In my lifetime, the expectations of what women should look like have gone from the ridiculous and unachievable body curvature and measurements of Barbie to the pencil-thin Twiggyesque look. High-end fashion ads have promoted everything from no boobs to big boobs, no hips to fully rounded hips, and in my opinion their worst call ever.....the emaciated heroin chic where all the models looked like they had one foot in the grave. Now, what kind of message does that send to young kids who are already having body issues because of puberty, hormones, and just the awkwardness of adolescence and are looking to society to lead them to whatever the social norms are currently calling attractive and beautiful?  I'll give you a hint. It sends a bad one!

One day at the gym, I heard a young woman who was very small and attractive and also sweating her rear end off, make a comment that she wished she had lived back in the olden days when everyone was skinny and obesity didn't seem to be an issue. Instead though, here she was fighting every calorie just so she didn't gain a pound. Assuming her age was late 20something, I also assumed that olden days to her were just about anytime before the 1980s. To be fair, the 80s were in fact, a time of excess in everything, including food. So...... 

Prior to the 80s though, people stayed fit and healthy because they worked all the time and their meal portions weren't as large as they are today. Fast food also wasn't nearly as prevalent therefore more meals were eaten at home and cooked fresh with little or no processed or prepackaged food. Also, prior to the 70s, more food was homecooked, so there were not as many chemicals and additives in our foods that can actually cause cravings and yes, even weight gain. Add to this, the fact that people seemed to be more active with the lack of technology that keeps most of us sitting on our butts, and the world may have been an overall healthier place....in the olden days.  

Since the years of excess though, people, and women especially have done some truly crazy and unhealthy things with beauty and the perfect body as their goal. They have injected themselves with horse urine, starved themselves, taken laxatives by the handful, practiced binge eating and throwing it all up, taking speed (it was basically sold over the counter back in the day), and going to quack doctors with a diet pill side hustle. We were literally giving ourselves addictions and killing ourselves for some idea of perfection. Apparently getting healthy had nothing to do with it. All we were interested in was looking good in a bikini. 

In the early 2000s obesity started rising at alarming rates and becoming not only unhealthy but one of the leading causes of death related to heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer. Sadly, it also started to become more acceptable, as society had a newfound love for people loving their bodies, regardless of how healthy they were. There was a definite belief going through the land, that if you couldn't or didn't want to put the effort into losing the weight, you might as well celebrate it...... and celebrate we did. Amidst the celebration though, people started ballooning up to 600 lbs and far beyond. They were getting so sick and they even lost their mobility and independence. It's hard to celebrate when a specially reinforced hospital bed, dependence on others to do even the smallest things for you, and bedsores are pretty much your life. 

At this point, people started realizing that maybe they would never be what society touted as perfect, and more importantly, maybe it didn't matter. They could eat and still be healthy though. So they started looking at not just diets but tried and true weight loss programs. Weight Watchers was pretty much at the top of that list and it had a huge hand in the last few decades for turning people back to eating normal and being healthy. Then we started hearing from a  new kid on the block, called Trim Healthy Mama. THM also started changing people's lives one meal at a time. 

Honestly, with all the "diets" I have been on over the years, if a diet is what you are looking for, you literally are not going to find one with long-term weight loss results. Diets will only help you take the weight off, but you will always gain it back. WW and THM, on the other hand, are different as they are not diets but lifestyle changers and because of this, these two are the only two that I would put any faith in right now. 

To compare and contrast the two, WW is by far the older of the two programs and through the years they have tweaked and refined the program to keep it up to date with our modern lifestyles. It will also cost you to be an official Weight Watcher, as there are weekly meetings, weigh-ins, and foods and materials if you choose to purchase them. They are all add ons to a program that could actually stand on its own without them. In all the years as a program, WW has had many long-term and even lifetime success stories of people losing the weight and keeping it off, because it was real food, prepared at home, and it taught people how to not only eat well but also to change how they viewed and ate food. 

Trim Healthy Mama or THM on the other hand,  (in my opinion) may have surpassed WW. Yes, there are $$ to be spent, as you really need to purchase at least the first THM book and maybe one of the cookbooks, but those are one-time purchases and there are no weekly fees and no weigh-ins in front of the world. The biggest difference between THM and WW though is that THM has many ways to work their "program" and there is a science of sorts behind how it all works. 

With THM, it basically boils down to three meals and three snacks/day timed out at least three hours apart. In a meal or snack, you can either eat carbs or fats, but don't combine the two, and in a day, you should eat maybe two carb meals and a carb snack and two fat meals and a fat snack, or you can mix and match any way you want. Sugar is a big no-no as are pops, soda's or whatever you call them unless they are sweetened with stevia, xylitol, or erythritol. These are also the only sweeteners you can cook and bake with.  Aspartame, sucralose, or any of those other highly chemicalized sweeteners are out the door. Another plus for THM is that you learn to make just about everything from fresh, therefore, you know exactly what is going into your food and your body. At first, this means a lot more time in the kitchen, but the majority of the recipes are easy, and as you learn to plan ahead and pre-prep, it becomes a lot less work and a lot more worth the effort. 

In both programs, they are not considered true diets, as diets are temporary and not meant to be used long-term or past the time you lose your desired weight. This is also why diets don't tend to work in the long term, because in most cases, in a period of time, the weight comes back as we tend to find our way back to the eating that caused us to need a diet in the first place. However, with WW and THM, they are both considered lifestyle changers, meaning that by working these programs, you change how you see food, buy food, prepare food and eat food. The recipes in these programs are also good, family-friendly, and meals that can be carried out throughout the rest of your life. 

In my opinion, both of these programs are so good because they teach you to not only take care of your body but to also make it healthier and learn to love it permanently. They also help you to have a completely different relationship with food and to pay attention to not only what you eat, but also what you buy. Diets just can't and don't do that.

So, now you may be thinking, "Wow Lisa, that is a lot of information, but I am not sure I am ready to commit to a diet or a lifestyle change, so what can I do right now to lose ten pounds by Saturday?" 

Well.....I have good news for you and bad news for you. The bad news is that short of doing something very unhealthy, there is really no magic wand that can be waved and make you lose ten pounds in two days. The good news though, is that if being healthy and preparing your body bit by bit for a positive lifestyle change is something you might like to do, then there are four things you can start doing right now. 

1) Start drinking 48-64 ounces of water every day. This flushes impurities out of the body and is good for your skin, heart, kidneys, muscles, and colon. Yes, at first you will pee every 30 minutes, but by Friday, you may have lost some water weight. Drinking this much water every day is very good for your body both inside and out. 

2) Start moving. I don't mean just housework or grocery shopping. I mean get out and walk for at least 30 minutes every day. Even if you can't walk a full half-hour, start with 10 minutes and work your way up. Walking is one of the healthiest ways to love your body. It gets you moving which gets your heart and blood pumping. It is good for your muscles and joints, not to mention your lungs and your heart. Who knows....you may drop a few pounds and start changing the shape of your body too?!

3) Right now!!! Drop that soda or diet soda and don't pick it or any variety of it, up again! That's right. Even "only" diet soda drinkers, tend to lose weight when they quit drinking diet soda. Why? Because the chemicals in diet soda can trigger sugar cravings that cause you to want and usually eat more sugary foods. So, no diet soda, and those cravings decrease by a lot. And of course, if you drink straight sugar soda and quit, think of all the sugar you are NOT putting into your body. It is a win/win. If you just absolutely have to drink diet soda, switch to one with stevia, xylitol, or erythritol, but nothing with the last letters "ame' or "ose" in it. If you just absolutely have to drink regular soda.....just don't. It is nothing but liquid sugar. Also, check out my blog here where I talked about Good Girl Moonshine. It is a THM gem of a drink and can help you drop the soda much quicker and much easier. 

4) Finally, don't eat after 6 p.m. This is a must for people with acid reflux and by not eating after 6, it gives your food time to metabolize and not sit in your gut causing sleeplessness. Also, eating after 6 p.m. is linked to weight gain, something most of us are trying to avoid. 

Well, there you have it. The four things you can start right now that don't commit you to a diet or a program but definitely give you a leg up to a healthier life.

So the lesson here is, you don't have to look like anyone but you to be beautiful. You do though, have to put some work in if you want to stay healthy and it doesn't matter if you weigh on the low end of the scale or the high end of the scale, the goal is to always strive to be healthy. The key is to treat yourself the same way you wish others would treat you. Love yourself. Show your body respect and do the maintenance it takes to keep yourself in top running performance. After all, aren't you worth it? I know I am!

Until next time, drink that water, walk that mile and always remember that you are so very worth it.  

Depression and Self-Care

We are constantly being told by the world that we should "take care of ourselves." There is great emphasis put on self-care in everything from tv ads to self-help books and they stress the importance of taking care of everything from our physical needs to our emotional needs and all that lies in between. The fact is, who of us wouldn't just love to take care of ourselves on the regular, but often, finding the time to do it, isn't all that easy. 

We live in a world where there is much need. People need our attention, our help, and our care all the time. As a mother and a grandmother, there is a constant feeling that I should be doing something for somebody, and by the end of the day, I have very little left for me. And I can't speak for anyone else, but it seems that the pandemic and lockdowns didn't alleviate any of the outside need. In fact, at my house, the need to help others became greater, to the point that towards the end, I was feeling something that I hadn't ever really felt legitimately before. I was literally getting depressed. 

I found that if I didn't keep myself scheduled and focused, that I was just one meltdown away from going to bed, covering my head, and giving in to the feelings that were surrounding me.....whatever those might be on any given day. I refused to give in though and I fought it every step of the way. 

Now a little history here, I know my mom's dad suffered from what I assume was mild depression. Mom said about twice a year, that Grandpa would have what they called his "blue spells." These spells might last three or four days and when they came on him, he would do the chores and whatever work was necessary, but the rest of the time, he would just sit in his chair and not talk to anyone. It drove my mom crazy as she was a daddy's girl and not having her daddy's full attention or even any attention for that matter, was unacceptable to her. The family learned though, to give Grandpa his space, and just as quickly as the blue spells would come upon him, they would also leave. Now, how deep this went or the cause, no one ever really knew, but I am sure being a farmer in the Oklahoma clay and raising 11 children undoubtedly had its stress and worries, and perhaps his yearly couple of blue spells were his way of working through it all. 

Then there was my mom. My mom's health alone would make most people depressed. She had Lupus Erythematosus, Glameral Nephritis, and four primary cancers, but she always seemed to have a knack for finding positivity even through it all. Looking back though,  I know there were times she wasn't herself. Sadly as a child, I was not in tune with the struggle of the adults in my world, as I was more focused on myself and I am sure that I missed a lot. There was only one time though, that I know Mom had a real discernable bought of depression. It was after she fell off a ladder and crushed the bones in her leg and foot and the doctor told her she might never walk again. When this happened, I think she had a great deal of difficulty processing the extent of her injury and accepting that she might not ever be independent again. 

For about three weeks, Mom was basically bedfast and during that time, she was miserable. An avid reader, she refused to read. She refused to watch tv or listen to the radio or talk to anyone. She just lay in her bed, angry and depressed. Mom being Mom though, wasn't going to let the injury get the better of her, and after that three weeks, I think she literally willed herself into getting out of that bed, healing those bones, and walking again. I guess that it was her focus and her desire for self-care that pulled her out of it, as well as a miracle or two. Her stubbornness might also have played into it a bit. Whatever it was though, thank God she had it and she eventually healed to the point of walking again. I won't say that Mom was ever truly the same person after that again, but she definitely did not let anything else, (including cancer) slow her down until the very end. 

As for me, I have only been truly depressed once in my life. It was after my late husband Tim died. My doctor was afraid that I was going to get depressed because of all that was going on in my life, so he wanted to be pre-emptive and start me on meds. Now mind you, I had no symptoms of depression, I was just simply going through a lot. My head was in such a place though, that I agreed to go on the meds, as he was the doctor and knew best....right?  

For several months he kept changing meds around on me because I kept telling him that I didn't like how I was feeling. Before I knew it, I could barely get out of bed. I had sunk so low into a depression that going to the bathroom was an effort, let alone being a mom or anything else. My kids couldn't understand what was going on and thought that I had basically abandoned them, and I refused to let any of my friends close enough to see what was going on and what shape I was in. Finally, I figured out that it just might be the medication, so I did some research and found out that I could ween myself off of it, so I did. Within two months I began to feel human again and that was the end of my time with that particular doctor, depression meds, and my depression....until recently. 

COVID and all that has gone with it literally could have been my undoing. It completely threw me out of my element and made the world a foreign and uncomfortable place for not just me, but I am sure the whole country. In about October, I started to feel myself getting angry over nothing and everything. I was getting frustrated with everyone and the slightest things could set me off. The worst though, was that I found myself getting emotional for no reason at all. This just wasn't me. I had been an early riser for quite a few years, but suddenly I started wanting to avoid getting up and avoid all the many things that I knew I had to do each and every day. It was once again an effort to get out of bed and everything in my world felt like it was suffering and I hated it.  Nope! I wasn't going down this road again. 

It was November when I finally decided to start going to the gym. I needed something to focus on that wasn't pandemic-related, politics-related, or social media-related. I needed to do something for me that wasn't merely an expectation of me from someone else. Believe it or not, the gym started helping. I also started to pay attention to what I was eating. I noticed that when I gave into things like sugar (a depression's best friend), it was affecting my attitude and how I felt in general. It even triggered a few nasty migraines. Then I ran across an article one day that talked about fighting depression with routine and structure. It said to give yourself a daily routine or schedule and within that schedule, include three things that were for you and three things that were daily tasks that you needed to get done. It said not to put more than six things on the list and the first thing every morning, to make your bed! I think the thought process behind that is if your bed is made, there is already some order in your life and a made bed is not as easy to crawl back into as an unmade one is. 

The article was right. When I made my bed first thing, it prompted me to go ahead and get dressed and get ready for the day. I was not lying around in my pajamas and in fact, these small daily acts, even energized me. As I added going to the gym and taking that hour for myself and focusing on only what I wanted to focus on, gave me motivation when I got home to then do the things I needed to do for the house and for others. I also found that taking a break every now and then and just doing nothing, for five minutes was also energizing. The key was allowing myself to do it without feeling guilty. 

Gradually, I found myself making more time for myself, and the things that kept me recharged and feeling good about life. Through doing this, I found that I actually was able to also commit more time to my family, my house, and the projects in my life where I was needed. A happy and emotionally healthy me was also a more productive and giving me. 

This last week, I have felt myself backslide a bit. I have had an injury that wasn't healing like it should and not nearly as fast as I thought it should. It has kept me away from the gym, which I have realized for me, is better than any prescribed medication could ever be. Then yesterday I realized something crucial. I haven't been making my bed. In fact, I haven't been doing much in the way of anything these last few days. Hmmm

So today, the bed is made, I was up and at it and today I am heading back to the gym and I will do what I can, as long as I can, without the slightest bit of guilt. So it seems that once again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and rather than wait another minute, today I plan to get back on track, whatever that looks like.  I already feel so much better and just the thought of the gym makes me feel so much more motivated.

Now please, don't get me wrong. I am in no way downplaying depression or the treatment of depression. I am fully aware that just because I am choosing one way of controlling this leftover COVID side effect, doesn't mean that it will work for everyone. I also fully understand that some people need medication to handle their issues. Not all depression is created equally and believe me, if at anytime my depression got worse or I sunk into an abyss that the gym or making my bed couldn't pull me out of, I would be looking for other answers and medication if necessary. 

What I am saying though, is that 2020 was a tough year for a lot of us and even people who have never suffered from any form of depression previously, are feeling their own kind of "blue spells" now. If you are lucky, maybe you can find "your gym" and your own structure to bring you back to you. 

Self-care is so important and finding those things which bring you joy and keep you motivated and excited about life are crucial for good health both mental and physical. Also, check out what you are eating. Most of us found the lockdowns a great time to cook and more importantly eat. There may be things in your diet that are part of the reason you feel sluggish, unhealthy, and uncomfortable in your own skin. An underlying allergy to certain foods can make you feel awful without you realizing it. I know it's amazing how simply removing the bulk of sugar from my diet has made me feel so much better. And okay...... maybe the gym is not for you, but try and make yourself move each day. A walk with your dog, mowing the yard, or a walk around the mall, can do wonders for your mental health and your perspective on life. Self-care has many forms. 

Well, the restrictions are lifting and life is opening back up for most of us. It's time to get out there and reclaim our lives and our bodies, minds, and souls.  Make the rest of 2021 your year and shake off the COVID blue spells in whatever way is healthy for you. You will be so glad you did. 

Until next time.....stay peaceful, stay productive and most of all......make your bed! 

Some of the Things I Like About THM

My apologies to any Trim Healthy Mama pages that I might have offended or broken their rules with my last blog about the challenge I was doing. It was not my intention and I promise to be more careful going forward.

Getting back on the old THM horse has been really good for me. Even though it has only been a few days, I can tell I am feeling better and I haven't had a flair up of acid reflux at all. That in itself is a blessing.

And before we go any further, let me just say how much I LOVE the THM mantra....Keep it simple, keep it sane. How great is that? This has been my emerging plan for my life for awhile, but then to find it in my eating program too....how could I possibly align myself with any other eating plan?

Now moving on....since it is a new year and many are just beginning THM for the first time, I thought I would share a few things that I personally have learned about THM. Many beginners start out very curious about Good Girl Moonshine and it seems when people try it for the first time there are often mixed reviews. Something I have learned about eating (and drinking) the THM way is that our taste buds seem to change while on plan(for the better) and more importantly, everything can be adjusted to our own individual taste. I was always a Diet Mt. Dew girl. I drank tons of it. The first GGMS I ever tried was one I saw on Pinterest which I believe was called something like "Just Like Mt. Dew". This drink totally saved me when coming off of my long and faithful addiction to the Dew. I know that many are thrown by the apple cider vinegar, but trust me, after a while, you won't be able to drink a GGMS without it...and even better, soda's and diet soda's simply won't taste right to you anymore. At least that is how it has worked out for me.

Another tried and true THM drink, The Singing Canary, is something I can't live without. It also is an acquired taste but in the summertime there is something so thirst quenching about it and in the winter, it helps to keep my immune system boosted and keep me healthy. It has become a drink that I drink at least three times per week year round and the health benefits are worth every sip.

Tumeric (yes the spice) has become one of my daily go to's. I had actually started adding tumeric back into my diet several weeks ago, as I was having a lot of pain in my back and shoulders. I had done a lot of reading and found that it can really help with muscle and joint inflammation and pain. My Singing Canary calls for tumeric, but I have also started adding it to different dishes I make and then before bed, I have a cup of tumeric tea. I have noticed that my back and especially my shoulders are much better.

The one draw back I find to living the THM life is that I spend a great deal of time in the kitchen both cooking and cleaning up. I do a lot of dishes every day and find myself very grateful for my dishwasher. On the upside of things, spending all that time cooking, I know how every dish I make is prepared and I know the exact ingredients of everything. It is much healthier for all of us and there is no worry that unhealthy or allergy causing agents will be in our food.

One absolute huge positive of doing the THM program is that my grocery bill has actually gone down. When I knew that I was going to be back on THM, I went to the THM website and purchased a large size protein powder, gentle sweet, super sweet and baking blend. Those I knew would be staples I needed to always have on hand. Now, I just make a weekly menu with recipes from the THM books and from Pinterest and then I buy only the things I need for that week. Gone are the shopping carts full of junk food, processed foods, frozen meals and soda. I make a list, stick to it and I shop at Aldi and Walmart. My grocery bill now stays much lower and we have little to no waste because I am not buying large quantities. It has been working out really well.

The advantages and benefits of doing THM,  far outweigh having to do a little more cooking or a few extra dishes. In fact, I personally find that it makes me much more aware of what I am putting into my body and how those foods are affecting it. Eating right and avoiding all the sugar has helped me to cut down on my migraines and I don't feel the bloat and discomfort that is often felt with overeating or by just simply eating the wrong foods. I walk away from the table feeling full and although snacks are encouraged because we eat every three hours, I often find snacks difficult, as I am not hungry enough for a snack when that time rolls around.

If you are new to THM and just starting to get your feet wet, I highly suggest that even if you can't be on plan 100% of the time, that you try to stay on at least 50% and gradually allow the unhealthy foods like sugars to slowly fall out of your daily intake. I know that if you stick with it, you will be glad you did.

Well, I am off to have a breakfast of THM pancakes and my Singing Canary. Hope you all have a fabulous day.

Until next time............

My Truth and the Lies We Tell Ourselves

Soooooo.......let's just pretend that almost 18 months hasn't gone by since my last blog post here. *Poof* forgotten.

Lies! I've talked about them before and likely, I will talk about them again.

Usually the biggest lies we tell ourselves are about ourselves. With our own body image it is really hard to be honest sometimes, especially as we get older and our bodies change. Truthfully though, I have always had a warped image of my body and therefore been a damn good self deceiver when it came to.....me!

Now bare with me as I start pointing fingers. I am fully aware as an adult where the fault lies with my diet, exercise and health in general. However, I didn't just frivolously jump on the bandwagon that led me here. No, I was shamed and in some ways, forced into it.

As a very young kid, I was a picky eater and very skinny. I was tiny from my head to my toes. I even had a dentist tell me once that I had the tiniest teeth he had ever worked on. I remember still wearing a size 6 little girls long after my friends were in size 8's and 10's. I was not a food lover and spent many an hour sitting at the table long after everyone else was through eating, because I wouldn't eat my food. Then, my mother who was also very thin and who had always had the metabolism of a hummingbird, got a divorce. That divorce did us all in I think.

My mother began to turn to food as comfort during this time and her once active lifestyle was replaced with what I now believe was depression. She began preparing large fattening meals and supplementing with fast food. After she put on about 20 pounds and started feeling physically like crap (mom had Lupus and a good diet is crucial to Lupus survival) she joined Weight Watchers and took it all off in 6 weeks. As far as I went, I had taken a liking to homemade bread, cinnamon rolls, scalloped potatoes, pizza and hamburgers and yes....I put on some weight but mostly my metabolism was still pretty good and my weight was more puberty related.

Looking back, had my mother just changed all of our diets over to more of a Weight Watchers mind set and not focused so heavily on weight, scales and body image, I might not ever have gone down the road I did. The icing on the cake for me though(no pun intended), was my mom taking me to the doctor for a physical and the doctor telling "me" not her, that I had put on 5 pounds in the last year but that I hadn't grown any taller, therefore if I didn't go on a "diet" right now, I was going to be "fat!" Yep! My self image was pretty much in the toilet at 11 years old.

From that moment on, I was on a lifelong journey of self-love vs. self-loathing, binge eating, diet pills, laxatives, anorexia and obesity. I judged myself the way I felt the world judged me and that was by how I looked. This was validated by peoples attitudes toward me based on my weight.

During my high school years, I was not skinny by any stretch, but I was not fat either. At that time in society though, the world worshiped "skinny" to the point of no butt and no boobs. Now you could get by with the bigger boobs if you had a tiny waist and butt, but if you had a voluptuous figure at all, you were "fat!" Since I was only 5'1", I had no waist, but I did have boobs and a butt and because I wasn't bikini body, waif thin.....I was viewed as and talked about as fat. Then, my senior year in high school, right at Thanksgiving I got sick. I couldn't eat for about a week and being young and having a decent metabolism, I dropped about 10 pounds, which was a lot for my tiny body. Then my mother got sick and we thought she had heart issues. The worry and stress over that caused me to drop another 5 pounds. Then I got a crush on a guy at school. My obsession with him caused another 5 to come off. By the time I went back to school after Christmas break, I was 20 pounds down and it seemed that everyone noticed it. Guys who had never given me the time of day suddenly found me "interesting" and girls suddenly either got friendlier or meaner depending on whether they found my new weight loss a threat or not. Even my parents were noticing. Suddenly my dad was "proud" of the way I looked and was taking me out to buy brand new clothes, something he never did before.

There was a problem with all of this though. I was still me and I still liked scalloped potatoes and hamburgers and once I was no longer sick, worried and infatuated, my appetite was back and I was hungry. When I started gaining back the first 5 pounds, I panicked. I liked thin me and I wasn't going to give it up. That is when I took out stock in laxatives. The fact that I have any colon left today is a miracle as I would down literally boxes of laxatives after I ate. It worked but one of the nasty side effects (aside from the obvious) was that taking that many laxatives dehydrates you and dehydration caused me horrific migraines. At the time I didn't realize the correlation, but now I know why I spent the last half of my senior year literally in agony all the time with migraines. Apparently though, the number on the scales was worth ALL the side effects of the laxatives.

It wasn't long before I found myself completely addicted to my scales. I would literally weigh myself 8-10 times a day. I had no understanding at the time that your body weight fluctuates throughout the day and therefore I would panic if I weighed half a pound more in the evening than I did in the morning. By this time, laxatives were not enough for me and so I began not eating at all or eating very minimally. The pounds were dropping and people were telling me how great I looked by I was literally starving. I wanted to eat so badly, but each morsel that went into my mouth I felt guilty about. Peoples admiration for how great I looked was worth everything to me.....including my health, so the starvation continued.

I was never a true bulimic simply because I hate throwing up. I could never force myself to throw up no matter how much I tried. What I could do though, was drink until I puked, which I got very good at. My friends and I would go out to the bars and clubs and we would drink. I drank a lot....at least for my size....and every time I would end up puking sick and hungover. The weird thing was, I never liked alcohol. To this day I am still not a fan, but back then, drinking was a means to an end and each morning after a night out of drinking and then throwing up, no matter how bad the hangover, I was on the scales checking to see how much weight I had lost.

Eventually I couldn't stand the drinking anymore or the laxatives and I started to gain a few pounds back. Panic again began to set in and then I learned of a doctor who was an osteopath, who practiced over the state line. He was pricey as you had to pay out of pocket (can't imagine why he turned none of this into insurance). You would go in and get blood work done and then he would give you diet pills. Phendometrazine and something else, along with a vitamin. Yeah....that vitamin helped a lot. Looking back, the doctor was criminal for giving me, a 5'1" girl who weighed 100 pounds soaking wet, diet pills....but he did. 

The diet pills in my mind were the answer to all my prayers. By taking the pills, I was never hungry. I could literally go without food for days without the pesky side effect of hunger. I would eat something unhealthy like a bag of chips, a candy bar or a burger every couple of days just to keep from keeling over, but other than that....nothing. I was literally starving myself to death. I don't think I cared though because the world was giving me "positive" feedback. I say positive loosely as in my warped brain, my mom being worried about my weight loss and people telling me that I was getting "too thin," were positive. Even my dad told me I needed to eat more, where as before when I was heavier and healthy, he told me I looked like a "hog." No one had ever told me I was "too thin" before and I loved it.

It wasn't until after I met my husband and he convinced me that he found me beautiful regardless of how I looked, that I started to get a handle on my eating. By handle, I mean I began to eat regularly and not worry about the scales. Then after I had my middle son, the weight grabbed a hold and didn't want to let go. I did get back down to a healthy weight after he was born and then I found out I was pregnant again. During this pregnancy though, my body had changed so much and I put on a lot of weight. Following my youngest son's birth, the bottom fell out of my world and then the next three years I dealt with the NICU, losing my husband, a hysterectomy, a special needs child, a teenager grieving and going wild, losing my mom and full on depression caused by anti-depressants. (Yes....I said caused by anti-depressants and that is another story for another day).

My weight kept climbing and my energy was declining. I felt horrible all of the time and my doctor just kept wanting to put me on more anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I was in a limbo of exhaustion, hunger and frustration. Then as I was sitting in his office one day, I read an article about hypothyroidism. Everything in the article spoke to me. I knew this was my issue and when I finally got called back I told the doctor what I thought. I literally had to argue with him to get him to test me, but low and behold, my thyroid was so out of whack and so slow, it was helping to contribute to everything else that was out of whack in my life. Once I started Synthroid and weaned myself off of all the other unnecessary crap, I started feeling like a human again. That being said though, by this point my metabolism was so slow and my eating habits were so bad, that for the next few years, food was my friend and my weight climbed.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine talked me into starting a food program called Trim Healthy Mama. She had actually started trying to get me to do it two years prior, but I am a hard sell. I really believed that I would always be overweight and that fat and unhealthy were how I would spend the rest of my days. Doing THM though, I learned I was wrong. In three months I lost about 30 lbs and I felt amazing. I was healthy and I was actually happy and never hungry. I did well for quite sometime and then..............

This is where I would normally throw in a multitude of excuses as to why I quit taking care of me such as......a child on drugs, another child's impending surgery, almost losing my house, almost losing a grand child and the list goes on and on, but the TRUTH is......I just gave up and let life overwhelm me. It was my fault, my choice and although I might be able to blame my start on this unhealthy path on others, my current issues are my own fault. I obviously know how to live healthy, I just made the choice not to.

So the other day I had to go to the doctor for a tick bite(another fun story for another day). My blood pressure was a scary 154/114 and my weight was....well let's just say......not pretty. What the heck was I doing to myself? Why was I doing it? Was I not worth better?

Body image and the lies we tell ourselves about our body, our health and our eating habits can literally kill us, especially the older we get. So here's my truth. I am not perfect, but I am definitely a worthwhile person. In the big scheme of things, I still have some good years ahead....if I stay healthy. I have health problems that would be made so much better if I lost weight. I don't feel good about me, the way I look or how I feel. I want to lose weight. I know how to lose weight, eat, not be hungry and be healthy......and most importantly.....I am worth everything it takes to do it. I deserve to be the very best version of me I can be! And that folks is the truth!

And I'm Baaack!

Annnnd I'm baaaaack!

Sigh..........

Life, the holidays, blah blah blah. It all left me feeling bleh bleh bleh. Since October, I could feel the pounds creeping back and all the hard work I had put into losing falling to the wayside. This year though, I did not fall into a tizzy, nor did I start self loathing. In fact, I really didn't sweat it because this year I know something that I didn't know for sure last year. This year I know that I CAN lose the weight and when I finally put my mind to it.....I WILL lose the weight.

Guess what.....I've put my mind to it and I am back!!!!

Ladies and any gentlemen reading, I have learned that through Trim Healthy Mama, absolutely anyone can lose weight and be healthy. I also know that THM is a committed life style change that is not just weight loss but also a change of body, mind and soul. Never have I felt more in tune with my body or my health than I did when I was eating right and taking care of myself and exercising. So many of the issues I had had prior to THM suddenly reversed themselves. My acid re-flux was all but gone, the pain in my feet and legs was gone and I had tons of energy, slept well and simply felt good all over. I realized that I had really turned a corner though when all the changes suddenly were no longer about how I looked, but instead had become about how I felt. I really felt good.

So why stop? Because I am human and a creature of many years of bad habits. I had some really sudden and dramatic changes in my life and as good as I thought my coping skills had become, some things only cheesecake can calm. Then it became that I was simply too tired and warn out from drama to cook, so fast food trickled back into my diet and then finally, the holidays came and I said %&*$ it and I gave in to every bad eating habit I had ever had.

Sadly, there was no joy or comfort in the nefarious "comfort" foods I succumbed to. In fact, there was much discomfort as my acid re-flux came back with a vengeance....usually about 2 a.m., causing me to wake up choking and gasping and in tremendous burning pain. Then there was the hands and feet swelling from the evil sugar that I was ingesting on a daily basis, not to mention the continuous stomach discomfort and constant lethargy that comes from eating a crap diet. I also was back to the pain in my feet and legs. Then of course there was my face rounding out again and my clothes getting tighter by the day. The real problem was....I couldn't gain too much weight, because I had thrown out all of my really large size clothes, so if I got any bigger, I was going to be down to a bathrobe and a pair of sweats with a hole in the butt. Yes....it was time. 

At Christmas, I decided that I was giving myself until New Years Eve to eat whatever, but New Years Day...the bad habits would be tamed. Funny thing was, giving myself that permission kind of turned me around. Between Christmas and NYE, I was already eating back about 60% THM. The other funny thing.....there was no worry or doubt in my mind that starting 1-1-17 that I wouldn't be 100% back on plan and stick with it. 1) I knew I had done it and could do it again and 2) My body was ready for it and food to be friends again.

Yesterday I stepped on the scales. It was the one thing I was really NOT looking forward to, but I knew that I had to be honest with myself and face up to what I had done these last few months. As expected, the number wasn't pretty, but I also wasn't having to start back from my heaviest weight either. I had gained, much more than I would have liked, but it was fixable. I was fixable.

Being back, I feel better emotionally and I know the physical is not far behind. I know that once again I am in control of my food and not the other way around.

I can't speak for anyone else and I am not here to tell anyone how to live their life or change their life. All I am doing is telling you what my truth is and my truth is.....THM works and I am baaaaack!

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!