Depression and Self-Care

We are constantly being told by the world that we should "take care of ourselves." There is great emphasis put on self-care in everything from tv ads to self-help books and they stress the importance of taking care of everything from our physical needs to our emotional needs and all that lies in between. The fact is, who of us wouldn't just love to take care of ourselves on the regular, but often, finding the time to do it, isn't all that easy. 

We live in a world where there is much need. People need our attention, our help, and our care all the time. As a mother and a grandmother, there is a constant feeling that I should be doing something for somebody, and by the end of the day, I have very little left for me. And I can't speak for anyone else, but it seems that the pandemic and lockdowns didn't alleviate any of the outside need. In fact, at my house, the need to help others became greater, to the point that towards the end, I was feeling something that I hadn't ever really felt legitimately before. I was literally getting depressed. 

I found that if I didn't keep myself scheduled and focused, that I was just one meltdown away from going to bed, covering my head, and giving in to the feelings that were surrounding me.....whatever those might be on any given day. I refused to give in though and I fought it every step of the way. 

Now a little history here, I know my mom's dad suffered from what I assume was mild depression. Mom said about twice a year, that Grandpa would have what they called his "blue spells." These spells might last three or four days and when they came on him, he would do the chores and whatever work was necessary, but the rest of the time, he would just sit in his chair and not talk to anyone. It drove my mom crazy as she was a daddy's girl and not having her daddy's full attention or even any attention for that matter, was unacceptable to her. The family learned though, to give Grandpa his space, and just as quickly as the blue spells would come upon him, they would also leave. Now, how deep this went or the cause, no one ever really knew, but I am sure being a farmer in the Oklahoma clay and raising 11 children undoubtedly had its stress and worries, and perhaps his yearly couple of blue spells were his way of working through it all. 

Then there was my mom. My mom's health alone would make most people depressed. She had Lupus Erythematosus, Glameral Nephritis, and four primary cancers, but she always seemed to have a knack for finding positivity even through it all. Looking back though,  I know there were times she wasn't herself. Sadly as a child, I was not in tune with the struggle of the adults in my world, as I was more focused on myself and I am sure that I missed a lot. There was only one time though, that I know Mom had a real discernable bought of depression. It was after she fell off a ladder and crushed the bones in her leg and foot and the doctor told her she might never walk again. When this happened, I think she had a great deal of difficulty processing the extent of her injury and accepting that she might not ever be independent again. 

For about three weeks, Mom was basically bedfast and during that time, she was miserable. An avid reader, she refused to read. She refused to watch tv or listen to the radio or talk to anyone. She just lay in her bed, angry and depressed. Mom being Mom though, wasn't going to let the injury get the better of her, and after that three weeks, I think she literally willed herself into getting out of that bed, healing those bones, and walking again. I guess that it was her focus and her desire for self-care that pulled her out of it, as well as a miracle or two. Her stubbornness might also have played into it a bit. Whatever it was though, thank God she had it and she eventually healed to the point of walking again. I won't say that Mom was ever truly the same person after that again, but she definitely did not let anything else, (including cancer) slow her down until the very end. 

As for me, I have only been truly depressed once in my life. It was after my late husband Tim died. My doctor was afraid that I was going to get depressed because of all that was going on in my life, so he wanted to be pre-emptive and start me on meds. Now mind you, I had no symptoms of depression, I was just simply going through a lot. My head was in such a place though, that I agreed to go on the meds, as he was the doctor and knew best....right?  

For several months he kept changing meds around on me because I kept telling him that I didn't like how I was feeling. Before I knew it, I could barely get out of bed. I had sunk so low into a depression that going to the bathroom was an effort, let alone being a mom or anything else. My kids couldn't understand what was going on and thought that I had basically abandoned them, and I refused to let any of my friends close enough to see what was going on and what shape I was in. Finally, I figured out that it just might be the medication, so I did some research and found out that I could ween myself off of it, so I did. Within two months I began to feel human again and that was the end of my time with that particular doctor, depression meds, and my depression....until recently. 

COVID and all that has gone with it literally could have been my undoing. It completely threw me out of my element and made the world a foreign and uncomfortable place for not just me, but I am sure the whole country. In about October, I started to feel myself getting angry over nothing and everything. I was getting frustrated with everyone and the slightest things could set me off. The worst though, was that I found myself getting emotional for no reason at all. This just wasn't me. I had been an early riser for quite a few years, but suddenly I started wanting to avoid getting up and avoid all the many things that I knew I had to do each and every day. It was once again an effort to get out of bed and everything in my world felt like it was suffering and I hated it.  Nope! I wasn't going down this road again. 

It was November when I finally decided to start going to the gym. I needed something to focus on that wasn't pandemic-related, politics-related, or social media-related. I needed to do something for me that wasn't merely an expectation of me from someone else. Believe it or not, the gym started helping. I also started to pay attention to what I was eating. I noticed that when I gave into things like sugar (a depression's best friend), it was affecting my attitude and how I felt in general. It even triggered a few nasty migraines. Then I ran across an article one day that talked about fighting depression with routine and structure. It said to give yourself a daily routine or schedule and within that schedule, include three things that were for you and three things that were daily tasks that you needed to get done. It said not to put more than six things on the list and the first thing every morning, to make your bed! I think the thought process behind that is if your bed is made, there is already some order in your life and a made bed is not as easy to crawl back into as an unmade one is. 

The article was right. When I made my bed first thing, it prompted me to go ahead and get dressed and get ready for the day. I was not lying around in my pajamas and in fact, these small daily acts, even energized me. As I added going to the gym and taking that hour for myself and focusing on only what I wanted to focus on, gave me motivation when I got home to then do the things I needed to do for the house and for others. I also found that taking a break every now and then and just doing nothing, for five minutes was also energizing. The key was allowing myself to do it without feeling guilty. 

Gradually, I found myself making more time for myself, and the things that kept me recharged and feeling good about life. Through doing this, I found that I actually was able to also commit more time to my family, my house, and the projects in my life where I was needed. A happy and emotionally healthy me was also a more productive and giving me. 

This last week, I have felt myself backslide a bit. I have had an injury that wasn't healing like it should and not nearly as fast as I thought it should. It has kept me away from the gym, which I have realized for me, is better than any prescribed medication could ever be. Then yesterday I realized something crucial. I haven't been making my bed. In fact, I haven't been doing much in the way of anything these last few days. Hmmm

So today, the bed is made, I was up and at it and today I am heading back to the gym and I will do what I can, as long as I can, without the slightest bit of guilt. So it seems that once again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and rather than wait another minute, today I plan to get back on track, whatever that looks like.  I already feel so much better and just the thought of the gym makes me feel so much more motivated.

Now please, don't get me wrong. I am in no way downplaying depression or the treatment of depression. I am fully aware that just because I am choosing one way of controlling this leftover COVID side effect, doesn't mean that it will work for everyone. I also fully understand that some people need medication to handle their issues. Not all depression is created equally and believe me, if at anytime my depression got worse or I sunk into an abyss that the gym or making my bed couldn't pull me out of, I would be looking for other answers and medication if necessary. 

What I am saying though, is that 2020 was a tough year for a lot of us and even people who have never suffered from any form of depression previously, are feeling their own kind of "blue spells" now. If you are lucky, maybe you can find "your gym" and your own structure to bring you back to you. 

Self-care is so important and finding those things which bring you joy and keep you motivated and excited about life are crucial for good health both mental and physical. Also, check out what you are eating. Most of us found the lockdowns a great time to cook and more importantly eat. There may be things in your diet that are part of the reason you feel sluggish, unhealthy, and uncomfortable in your own skin. An underlying allergy to certain foods can make you feel awful without you realizing it. I know it's amazing how simply removing the bulk of sugar from my diet has made me feel so much better. And okay...... maybe the gym is not for you, but try and make yourself move each day. A walk with your dog, mowing the yard, or a walk around the mall, can do wonders for your mental health and your perspective on life. Self-care has many forms. 

Well, the restrictions are lifting and life is opening back up for most of us. It's time to get out there and reclaim our lives and our bodies, minds, and souls.  Make the rest of 2021 your year and shake off the COVID blue spells in whatever way is healthy for you. You will be so glad you did. 

Until next time.....stay peaceful, stay productive and most of all......make your bed! 

They Know My Name at the Gym

 

Oh, my word!!!! What have I become? THEY KNOW MY NAME AT THE GYM!!!! That's right. I have officially gone to the gym so much, that they know my name. Who in the world would have ever thought this strange turn of events would happen? Even stranger though, (dare I say) I LOVE going to the gym! I know! I know! Craziness!

The fact is, that when I started going to the gym, I was terrified. No, I was not afraid of the gym, I was afraid that my body simply couldn't cut it anymore. I was afraid I wouldn't last 10 minutes on the treadmill and that I would never be able to be truly healthy again. I swallowed my fear though and I took my first step which was walking into the place. Then I got on the treadmill. I made it 20 minutes. Then I made it 30 minutes. Soon I added the elliptical and then the bike. Before I knew it, I was working out 45 minutes to an hour most days of the week. I would pop in my headphones and turn on my podcasts and away I went. It has truly been surreal. 

There have been a few short hiatuses, like when my blood pressure medicine decided to kick my butt and almost made me fall off the treadmill. It took me a few days to figure out that my working out was causing my blood pressure to go down and because of the meds I was on to regulate it, my bp was dropping too low. The result? One medication is gone and one to go. I also had a few days where life got in the way and the gym wasn't possible and then days like the other day when I couldn't put on my tennis shoe because of a blister on my heal. Added speed, equals added friction in my shoe, which equaled a nasty blister. It's been flip-flops for me until this bad boy heals. 

While I have been doing great at the gym, and my bp is very good, I haven't focused on my eating like I should.....or at all. I just hate thinking about what I eat and when I feel I have to think about it, I go into a rebellious state in which cookies are eaten at will and bread (which I am not even that fond of) becomes a three-meal/day staple. Thus, the weight loss has not been as good as I would like. The upside though, I have lost some inches. I have cut myself a bit of slack though, as I have stayed consistent going to the gym for months now, so I figure that healthier eating will come. In fact, my step-daughter has started Trim Healthy Mama (THM) and she is doing very well, looking good, and turning into a bit of an inspiration for me, so perhaps I will give THM another go. Who knows?

The greatest parts of all of this for me have been my ability to stay goal-oriented and consistent and the fact that I conquered my fear on that first day, and proved that I could still work out and work towards a healthier me. Oh, and of course, going off one of my bp medications was pretty awesome too! 

Going forward, as soon as this heel heals (see what I did there?) I plan on branching out from just doing cardio, to adding weights. I no longer have the arms and legs of a twenty-year-old, but adding some firmness and definition might not be a bad thing. Also, some strength training could really help, since David isn't getting any smaller and chances are, I will be lifting his hefty tush for many years to come.  

So I am taking my wins where I can and realizing that there is still much I can do in this life. Of course, I still have fears from time to time, but each one that I am capable of conquering so that I can move on to the next challenge is huge for me and the fact that I have not allowed myself to give up or quit has been amazing. Dare I say, I am proud of me? I think I just did! 

Well, this whole gym journey since last November has been truly unbelievable for me. I have faced my fears, worked towards my goals, and best of all.....THEY KNOW MY NAME AT THE GYM!!!!

So until next time, stay safe, stay healthy and be fearless. You are never too old or out of shape to try!

COVID, Planet Fitness and An Ear Infection

I decided that it was time to brush the dust off this particular blog and show it some love, and today's verbiage is perfect for the theme of this blog. 

I know most of us are beyond tired of hearing about or even thinking about COVID, and yet almost a year later, it is still a major part of our culture and our lives. It has caused illness, death, fear, and yes, in some cases, even strange and ridiculous behavior. It has also done a number on people's mental health as we have become a society that no longer can be face to face or have the human interactions we have always relied on to soothe us, guide us and help us to feel....human. 

We as a family have had COVID go through our house at least once that we are sure of, and we have been put on self-containment several times as we were closely exposed. The fact is, no matter whether you wear a mask or not, wash your hands until they are sandpaper, and/or avoid crowds like it's your job, you can still fall ill. I have always known this and because of knowing this, I have never panicked over it. I have always used common sense, but when it went through the house, it was what it was. Thankfully, we all had mild to moderate forms of it, and we all came out okay. 

I will say though, that aside from making us all physically sick, it has also changed us and our world. It has changed how we view everything from crowds to even socializing. It has caused mass fear, and with mass fear, there has also been mass irrationality. Mental health has been affected, and there has been a rise in abuse cases as well as addictions of all forms. People have hidden in their homes with nothing but delivered food, their TV's and their social media, and they have become slaves to negativity and fear. 

There are others though, like me, who weren't the most "social" people on the planet to begin with, so isolation and no contact hasn't been quite the challenge for us that has been for others. There have been changes though and yes, they have affected me. The biggest change has been helping my granddaughter with her schooling. It began last year after spring break. You remember....the never-ending spring break?! She was in first grade and teachers, students, parents, and grandparents were thrown into a tizzy over schools being shutdown. Somehow, we managed to get these kids through the end of school, never dreaming that in August, we would still be in pretty much the same boat. 

I will say, that this distance learning has been one of the more stressful things in my life. I am constantly aware that....NO! I am not smarter than a second-grader. And it is not so much what they do, but, HOW they are expected to do it. More than once there have been tears and you better bet, they weren't always hers. 

There have been a lot of positives though, that I think have come from the COVID chaos. One of those has been a sense of time slowing down a bit. For a while, many people were sidelined to work their jobs from home. People didn't feel so rushed as they didn't have to get dressed up and fight traffic to get to work. There became a more laid back feel to our lives. Sadly, there were others who lost their jobs or were laid off, so this gave them new found time with their families. Suddenly people were cooking, baking, sewing, playing games with their kids and life was feeling much like life had been in the old days (the 70's and 80's). 

I myself slowed down a bit and decided to use my daily time in the kitchen (this is where we did school work), to do some cooking, baking, and canning, while Miss W did her schooling. After years of failure, I learned to make some pretty decent cookies, and loaves of homemade bread were always available to family and friends. I even made some pretty great jelly, that lasted about five minutes in our house. 

I also noticed that how I felt about the world and what was going on in it, was also changing. I was realizing that the big things like politics and even COVID, I was very limited on what I could do or change. What I could do though, was change me and maybe here or there in some small way, change my little piece of the world. 

As we drew closer to election time, after a summer of countrywide upheaval and unrest, I grew more and more discouraged with social media and the people on all sides of the issues, as they seemed to all have become angry, hateful and so self-assured that they were right, that there was no longer anything even resembling respectful discourse. I began to shut up and just watch people implode upon themselves. Then I just gradually walked away. 

It was about this time, just after the election but before Thanksgiving, that I went to the doctor. It was my yearly visit and he looked at me with a bit of disdain. I was on two kinds of blood pressure medicine, and my BP was still 140/100. He was not pleased and truthfully, neither was I. He gave me a month to get it down, or we were going to have to have a "serious" talk. I walked out of the office numb, as I had a million reasons why it was likely so high, but I wasn't sure how or even if I was going to make any changes. With everything in the world, I was just so neutral in my emotions that I really felt kind of stuck. 

Something must have hit a chord with me though because, on that day, I made a conscious effort to "social distance" myself from social media and to make a very unplanned and unexpected stop on my way home. 

My older son Wes, for several years, had devoted at least 3-5 nights a week to working out. Sometimes he went to our local gym and sometimes he worked out in the garage, but it had become as much a part of his routine as breathing. I know the rest of us, who in his vision did nothing more than lie around the house and eat, frustrated him. He watched us get sick, struggle with our health, and live in a mess of stress. I watched him though too. His body had definitely changed over time and he was strong as an ox. He did on rare occasions catch some precarious bug flitting through the house, but while the rest of us might be down for a week, he was usually up and over it in a day or so. I knew what he was doing was working and I also knew that working out on a regular basis was keeping him sane. 

Just weeks before, about 5 minutes down the road, there was a new gym in town. It was a Planet Fitness that was now taking residence in an old Dillons building. I had driven by it tons of times as they gutted and prepped the building. They were running sign-up promotions long before the building opened and even though there were already a couple of city-run gyms within a 10-mile vicinity, people seemed to be flocking to the new kid in town. Wes was one of those and he is pretty particular about his gyms and what he expects from them. He seemed please though. 

So on that day, when the BP was high and I was blah, my car, as if having a mind of its own, drove right into the Planet Fitness parking lot and stopped. I had no idea what I was doing there, but I figured with all the hype I had seen, it wouldn't hurt to check it out. As I walked in the door, I was hit with Beyonce singing "Put a Ring on It," and purple! There was purple everywhere.....and it was pretty. 

A young adult behind the counter greeted me. I told him that I was just looking and he said, "Let me show you around." There were free weights, weight machines for every part of your body, bikes, ellipticals, treadmills, and stair climbers. There was also a 30-minute room where you could get a full-body workout in 30 minutes and other rooms with machines and pulleys and things that I had no idea what they were. They also had tanning beds, massage chairs, and hydro massage chairs and beds. I hate to say it, but this place had me at the pretty purple. 

As if my mouth had a mind of its own, I heard myself telling them to sign me up. I wanted "the black membership," which included all the bells and whistles.....especially that hydro massage chair. I had no idea what that was about, but I knew that someday in the near future, I was going to find out. 

When I drove off, and the shock of my impromptu membership hit me, I wondered if this was going to be like ALL the other gym memberships that I had joined and never used. Somehow, I didn't think so, but I wasn't going to get my hopes or anyone else's hopes up just yet. 

With Thanksgiving so close and everyone's schedules so crazy, I was only able to go to PF, a couple of times before turkey day. It was a test to see if my body would even allow me to exercise. I had visions of myself passing out in the first five minutes or worse, only going in to use the hydro massage chair and leaving. Because of this, I made a deal with myself. I could only try the chair after I had gone to the gym regularly for a month. 

I started out slow, doing only light cardio, to find out what my body was capable of. It began with 30 minutes on the treadmill. Then I began to change up speed and incline and worked my way up to 45 minutes and then an hour. When I knew my legs would not crumble or give out under me, I then added the elliptical. I started with 15 minutes and worked my way to 30 minutes, using the elliptical for 30 and the treadmill for 30. Again, I would change speeds and inclines and would try to get the biggest bang for my buck in the 30 minute time allotment. Before I knew it, it was the New Year and I had managed to get to the gym 3-5 times each week. It was time for the hydro massage chair reward. Let me just say, it is all that and a bag of chips. I only have time to use it on the weekends, but you can bet, every Saturday and Sunday, my workout ends with the chair. 

So here we are and it's almost the end of January. I am still making it work so that I get to the gym 3-5 times a week, and if I can't figure any other way, I will drag myself out of bed and get there by 4 a.m. to ensure that I am putting myself and my health first. It seems to be paying off, as I went to the doctor Friday and my BP is 110/68 and I have lost 11 pounds. The doctor said if I keep the gym up, that in a month or so, he will start weaning me off the BP meds. YAY!

Starting in February, I am going to start working with a personal trainer (all part of that black membership) and start working on my strength and muscle tone. This body has to stay strong in order to lift David's body around. 

It has been an amazing experience that I am really surprised at myself over. I honestly think that the two things that won me over were, Wes's dedication and the purple....oh, and the chair. I have now been going long enough that my body seems to crave the workout. Today though, my body will just have to be happy with rest as my bed is about as far as I am going. 

I think I have an ear infection. I can't hear, I feel water slushing in my ear and I get dizzy every time I stand up. I got up to get ready for church this morning and it took me about 2 seconds to realize that driving or even walking, weren't going to work for me today. I am trying very hard to get better about listening to my body and taking care of me. So this is me taking care of me. I can't just lay here and do nothing though, so I blog. I know the ears will be fine very soon and then I will be back to church, the gym, and my life. 

Here's hoping that you all are doing well, finding your way in this new year, and taking care of you! Until next time....be safe, be happy, be kind, and I hope you find your own pretty purple thing.