The Me I am Suppose to Be

No....I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Yes.....in the last month or so, I have proven that I am human though, and fallen off the Trim Healthy Mama (THM) wagon which to some of you, may make my journey a bit more relatable.

The moment school started, or maybe even a bit before that.....life for me began to change. As anyone who attempts a lifestyle change knows.....added change above and beyond the lifestyle change itself, can be difficult and even derailing at times.

For me, July 2nd, through Sept. 28th, is always a hard time of year for me. It started in Sept. of 2000 when my son was born 13 weeks prematurely and he as well as our entire family began a years long roller coaster ride with him, first with months in the NICU and then years of dealing with his many diagnosis which include but are not limited to cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and a seizure disorder. Then in July of 2001, I came home to find my husband had died from an undetected brain aneurysm. In August it is our wedding anniversary and Sept. is his birthday. So those months in the best of times, have their trials for me.

This year though, there was added stress with one of my sons and his daughter moving home, some added projects I gave myself and just some things I was going through personally trying to acclimate myself to weight loss and keeping myself emotionally built up, so I would not stall out and back slide and so I would continue to lose.

You know, I like to think of myself as a strong woman who is tough as nails and that what people say about me or think about me has no real affect on me. The truth is though, I am human and sometimes my force field is not nearly as strong as I think it is and BOOM....I am wounded and all my hard work feels like it is for nothing.

I have a great family. I love my kids dearly and I do try and be "Mom of the Year," more than I should....especially since all but one of my kids is grown. That being said, they are young people caught up in their own world and they have no understanding of how important it is to me to hit my goals and maintain this lifestyle change for the long haul. At first, they were fairly supportive eating with me and giving me the ol' "great job Mom," comments along the way. Then they just stopped. THEN....I started hearing rumblings about the THM food I was making. They wanted, junk food, sugar, soda and all the things that I had fought to break away from. Finally it got to the point where they started getting snide about food, about my weight loss and even about me.Add to that, one of my sons constantly commenting on my food intake and asking me...."is that on your diet," and I began realizing that I was losing myself again in their negativity and judgement. ENOUGH was ENOUGH!

 Truthfully, for about the last 6 weeks, I have been eating the THM way about 50-60 percent of the time and while I haven't put a huge amount of weight back on, this morning when I stepped on the scales, it was significant enough to give me a wake up call. My body has been giving me aches and pains that it wasn't before and I feel sluggish and unenergetic. To say that I am not happy with myself right now is an understatement.

Little fun fact, if you aren't actively participating in the THM facebook pages, they quit showing up in your news feed as much. In the last few weeks, I have barely seen a THM post, but just like back in May when I first decided to change my life, the THM Challenge page miraculously showed up on Oct. 7th (and I say miraculously because I hadn't seen a Challenge posts in a couple of weeks). It happened to be a post about a new challenge that runs Oct. 7th through Nov. 4th. I knew that once again, I was being guided to get busy and get back on it and not for anyone but me!

This week may prove challenging as it is my birthday week, but I decided that the best gift I can give myself is taking care of me and getting back to feeling healthy and happy. I refuse to allow anyone including my children to dictate how I live my life or to allow anyone's negativity to affect what I know will ultimately make me the best me I can be.

So yes, I am human and yes, I stumbled and fell back a few steps. However, this is not the end of my journey. It is merely a speed bump and it was put in my path for a reason. In these last few weeks I have learned a great deal about myself, my family and how much I want this. Perhaps it was a gift given to me so that I can now push harder, become stronger and ultimately......find the me I am suppose to be. 

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes!

I am changing. I see it on the outside and I feel it on the inside. It is all part of the process and one might think that losing weight and getting healthy are nothing but rewards, but like with anything else, even this has its challenges. In the big scheme of things though, these challenges are so worth the end result.

I didn't post last week because quite honestly, I felt pretty crappy. Last week was our hometown celebration called Old Settlers. If you have watched the news, you might have heard that on the Friday night of Old Settlers, we (Mulvane, KS)  had extreme slow moving storms that went through the area dropping anywhere from 7-9 inches of rain on us in just a couple of hours, which caused major flooding in our little town. We had 6 feet of water rushing through the downtown area and the area where we have the rides, concessions and vendors. People had to be helped out by boats and the destruction was pretty massive. Businesses as well as individuals lost a great deal. We are a close knit bunch though, and rather than let it get the town down, people jumped in and soon our little community will be good as new. That is just who we are.

Every year for Old Settlers, people come back to visit and those of us who still remain here, gather and we make it a huge party. A little water was not going to change that for us and this was my first "cheat" off THM since May 15th. While the temptation was there to eat everything in site, the reformed me kept thinking...."everything in moderation." I knew this was the best I was going to do this weekend so I wasn't going to fight it. Yes, there was cheesecake...full fat, full on carb and lots of sugar....chessecake. I did however, manage to keep it to one slice. Trust me, that was an amazing NSV for me. I snacked on chips, candy and things that haven't touched my lips in months BUT I tried very hard not to overdo it. I also kept in mind others talking about eating sugar after not eating it for awhile and it being very hard to get the sugar out of their system again. I certainly didn't want to have to start from ground zero again just because of one weekend. I could tell all weekend that my system was off and my body was definitely not happy with me, but I trudged ahead like a good little "cheater." The worst thing for me though, was the alcohol.

I am not a drinker for many reasons, but once a year, when everyone is in town and we celebrate Old Settlers I do enjoy drinking with my friends. Usually I know my limit and I never exceed it, but this year.....I did not take into account my current weight loss or the fact that my body was already functioning poorly because of the weekend festivities. I drank no more than I normally would have and it would likely not have affected me at all, but being down 25 lbs and not eating nearly as much as I usually do and eating all the wrong things, well.....it affected me! Let's just say that the toilet and I had some very close moments Saturday night. When Sunday morning rolled around, I really wanted to be angry with myself (especially because I felt so awful), but I decided beating myself up was not the answer. Instead I chose to use it as a learning experience and a cautionary tale of how to proceed in the future.

It did not help that due to the weekends festivities, I had also gained almost 2 lbs. Again though, forgiving myself the indiscretions of the weekend and learning from it were crucial. I was not going to let 3 days ruin all these weeks of hard work. After all, life is messy. It has cheats from time to time and they are fine as long as they don't become a habit! This was not going to be a habit!

Monday I jumped right back on THM and never looked back. Those 3 days did do a number on me and it was about Thursday before I was even beginning to feel normal again. I won't lie, food was a challenge last week. Luckily, the sugar I ingested didn't seem to give me any horrible cravings although, I did dream about Jif peanut butter a couple of times during the week. Go figure.

Even on the days when I had difficulty eating the things I should eat, I did make sure that I drank a lot of water and tons of Good Girl Moonshine (GGMS). The funny thing was, that suddenly my shorts and jeans started feeling a lot looser. I can now feel my ribs when I lay down and I am going to have to get rid of a lot of my shirts as they are starting to fall off me in some rather obscene ways. On the other side of the coin, I am also starting to see some rather unattractive saggy skin on my belly that I am not pleased with. I know this comes from a lack of exercise and muscle toning. Again it is all part of the process but it is also one of those challenges I was referring to. Needless to say, it was a weird week for me.

This morning when I stepped on the scale, I had lost the 2 pounds I gained plus another 6/10ths of a pound. I was good with that. I feel like I am back on track and ready for the next challenge which I will be starting Sept.1st.

The changes are coming. For me they feel like they have been slow but steady. I am ready for the next phase of my weight loss and it is becoming abundantly clear that muscle toning exercise along with fat burning exercise are crucial as I begin this new challenge. The thing is......life doesn't stop or slow down just because I am trying to become healthy, so I have to work eating right and exercising around the craziness that is my life. I also have to remember that life is not perfect and I am not perfect. There will be those cheat moments and they are fine....as long as I remember that they are moments and not bad habits returning.

The next few months are going to be a test of my ability to stick with THM and my desire to truly change my health. We are going into fall and the holidays and they are tricky for most of us. We will get to see if I really think I am worth it or not. I have every faith that I will do fine and  whats more, I am learning so much about myself and how strong I am.

Yes, even positive changes hold challenges. It is all part of life, but the changes I am making are for me and ultimately, those who love me. Wait! Did you hear it? I can almost hear David Bowie in the background singing....."Ch ch ch ch changes!" 

Short and Sweet

As of today.....I have lost 25.6 lbs since May 15th! This week I lost just shy of another 2 lbs!

Today's blog is short and sweet. May 14th, just a few weeks ago, I was convinced that I could NOT lose weight. I was absolutely sure that I was destined to be overweight, sluggish, unmotivated and unhealthy for the rest of my life. I hated getting out of bed in the morning. I hated looking at myself in the mirror and I hated going anywhere because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. It was not a life I was happy about, but it was the life I deserved as no one forced fast food and candy down my throat and everyday that I did nothing about it.....well that was a choice.

May 15th, literally changed my life. It was the day I opened up the THM cookbook and decided that I was going to prove to myself once and for all that I deserved better. I have stayed committed for all these weeks and as I felt better and started looking better, I refused to allow myself to stray....not even for a jelly bean. Today I have renewed energy, motivation and I feel oh so much better in my own skin.

I am far from finished on this journey. I have a lot more weight to lose, but each 10th of a pound means that I am that much closer to my goal and totally regaining my health.

So my message to each of you is......don't give up on you!!!! Make the choice that you deserve to be healthy and feel good about you. Remember that you are worth it and that by taking care of you, then you will better be able to take care of those you love.

I told you....short and sweet! :)

Rah Rahing THM

Today's weigh in followed a really chaotic and nerve rattling week. While they are much much much better, I still have the occasional mental and emotional switch flip when things start feeling out of control and I want to soothe myself with carbs and sugar, but I have managed to stay on course. Still, I knew that this week was not going to show the results I wanted, however......likely the results I deserved. 

Someone told me a couple of weeks ago (once again), that my "rah rah" cheer leading about THM and my progress and the fact that nearly every week I have lost "something" were not realistic and that I was setting people up to fail if they went by my "results." I had to point out that my results were doable by anyone as losing 23 lbs in 11 weeks was not unrealistic at all. In fact, I likely could have "realistically" lost more had I exercised regularly and thrown in a few more FP snacks and traded out some S meals for some E's. However, I am very pleased with my progress and if I seem to be "rah rahing" about THM, it is because I can literally have my cake and lose weight too.

I have also had a couple of people who have been reading my weekly blogs, who have asked me about THM. They have even gone so far as to buy the books. One has read the book and has already told me that she simply "can't" do it. It is too hard and she has absolutely no idea how I ever figured it out. I do feel for her as I know that is pretty much how I felt at first. That is why it took me almost two years before I decided to jump in head first and give it my all. So how did I figure it all out? I didn't! No seriously. What I did do was join all the THM facebook pages that I could and I bought the THM Cookbook. The cookbook was really what did it for me.

In the THM cookbook, the recipes are divided by breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks, etc and in each category the recipes are then divided by S, E and FP. I no longer had to figure out what was what. I simply decided on what type of meal, snack, etc that I wanted and then made the recipe. It took all the thinking out of it and if you know me at all, you know that is a really good thing. After a bit of doing this, then things started clicking in my head as to how I could combine the meals in a day that best suited my weight loss. For me, when I really am serious about taking the pounds off, I eat two E meals, one S meal and 2-3 FP snacks per day. Invariably when I eat like this, I have at least a 2-3 lb. loss that week. And no, I don't measure or think about portions. I usually eat until I am full, but I do try to add more veggies, especially if I think I need a second helping. Speaking of veggies, my favorite side dish is broccoli/cauliflower mashed fauxtatoes. They appear as a side extravaganza to many of my meals.

So what are some of my favorites where meals and snacks are concerned? For breakfast, because I am not typically a breakfast eater, I have learned to start my day with an E smoothie. Just about any one from the book is great and after a bit, you learn to put your own slant on the recipes to make them better suited to your tastes.

Lunches for me are easiest because again, I like to stay on the E side of things. One of my favorite E lunches is two slices of sprouted bread with Peanut Junkie Butter and Slim Belly Jelly (both recipes in the cookbook) with lean turkey meat. On the side I will have homemade pico de gallo and maybe some cucumbers for good measure.

Supper/Dinner is usually an S and I have tried most of the recipes in the cookbook. I have yet to find one that wasn't satisfying and family pleasing. One of my favorites is the meatloaf. It is absolutely delicious and dare I say......it is even better than my mothers recipe!

For my snacks, I have an insatiable sweet tooth, but with that being said, I try hard to stick to FP's. My two favorites are Cottage Berry Whip and Glucci Pudding. Again, both recipes are in the book and both feed my sweet tooth nicely. With the Cottage Berry Whip, I use 1% cottage cheese (I buy mine at Aldi) and I switch between blueberries, strawberries, pumpkin and lemon juice. I have even taken the mixture and put it in the freezer. When frozen, it tastes just like ice cream. With the Glucci Pudding I love to switch between chocolate, vanilla and caramel. You feel like you are eating dessert and cheating all at the same time. It truly makes me happy.

So this week, I knew I didn't do as well as I could have. I fell off my tried and true formula and probably had more S meals than I should have. I didn't drink as much water as normal and I knew that this time around, the big number was not likely to be there. I was right. I'm good though. I lost 6/10ths of a pound and as I always say....a loss is a loss. 

I guess what I feel like I need to keep stressing is, yes.....maybe I am rah rahing THM, but it is not without reason. This is the first time in my life that I have been able to lose substantial weight without starving myself or taking diet pills. This is me.....eating, getting healthy and losing weight. The bottom line.....if I can do it....anyone can. You just have to have faith in yourself and know that you are truly worth it. Then I guarantee you.....that you will be rah rahing too.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Do you ever watch those shows like Biggest Loser or Extreme Weight Loss? If you are overweight and trying to lose, they can be very inspiring. On BL, in just six-eight weeks, people who haven't been able to lose any other way, lose incredible amounts of weight right before our eyes. On EWL.....it is even quicker. We can watch a year long journey in just 90 minutes and the results are usually pretty phenomenal. It leaves you feeling inspired knowing that someone that has struggled like you, can have such amazing results.

However, if you really think about it, both shows are very unrealistic for the average Jane or Joe. Why? Because in reality, when we lose weight, we are not allowed to take time off from the real world and real world stressors such as family, jobs, finances and having to balance all of that and eat right and exercise too. These people have nutritionist, personal trainers and time to do nothing but focus on their one goal.....weight loss. Quite frankly, if we were given a 1200 to 1500 calorie/day quota and had a personal trainer working us out 4-6 hours per day, we all might lose a lot of weight in a short time. The question though is does that weight stay off when the camera's are gone and they have to go back to real life and all that implies? Sadly, if you look up many of these weight loss "winners," when left to their own devices, within 2 years many of them have put a lot of their weight back on. They lost their weight in an unrealistic way and they weren't taught how to lose weight while actually dealing with life. Once it is up to them, only those with the most dedication will maintain the weight loss because once off the show, they have to take what they learned and make it work for them in a setting where working out all day and having someone cook for them is no longer a possibility.

Let's face it, life happens. It happens all day every day and for those of us who aren't on TV, if we want to lose weight, we have to be our own chef, psychologist and personal trainer. We have to mix all of this in with kids, spouses, jobs, house work and all the other million little things that we have to do every single day. Most of all, for those of us who are emotional or stress eaters, we have to learn how to manage our food urges and to redirect bad habits. For many of us, our weight loss journeys are often slow and tedious and there is no 90 minute quick fix. In fact, there is often no 6-8 week fix either. Sometimes it just takes us hacking away at those pounds 1/10th of a pound at a time over a long period of time to actually reach our goals. Weight loss is not for the faint of heart. 

I have always been someone with little to no patience....especially where weight loss is concerned. I wanted instant gratification and if I couldn't lose 80 lbs by lunch, I literally punished and sabotaged myself and my progress by binge eating on anything and everything in sight. It was a very skewed way to look at weight loss and in the end I would only be frustrated, disappointed in myself and in many cases, just add more weight. It was a vicious cycle for many years and the more stressful my life was, the more unrealistic my weight loss goals were and the more I self sabotaged.

Today I am 11 weeks into THM. While the first 6 weeks were relatively easy because I had truly made up my mind to stay focused and stay on plan, the last 5 weeks have not always been such a piece of cake. Life has been a bit more challenging with family and those million little things going on. I have stayed on plan, but some weeks the losses were very minuscule. This last week though has really been my most make it or break it week. We have had some pretty significant changes in our world and those who call me Mom and Grandma, have needed much more than usual from me. My days have started way before the sun was up and they have still been going long after it goes down. I really worried that I might completely lose my weight loss track and take a hit this week due to CRAZINESS! I did not.

A huge NSV for me happened this week. For the last 10 weeks I have kept a journal of every bit of food I ate. It helped me to stay on track and gave me an overview of where I might have gone wrong if the scales decided to be hateful. This week though, my mind is now so utterly programmed to THM, that there seemed to be no need to keep track any longer. There definitely was no time. My inner body clock let me know when three hours were up and I needed to eat and without thinking, I could throw together an E or S meal in minutes. I even have a good majority of the THM family favorite recipes memorized, so all I have to do is make them happen.

Still, I worried that without mirco-managing myself that I might screw up and fail. I did not. I will admit that no dedicated exercise was done, but I think over the week I climbed my stairs at least 200 times, lifted my 90 lb son at least 50 times, mowed the yard for cardio and basically never stopped all day any day, so I am really not sweating the lack of an elliptical and weights work out this week.

So how did I do dealing with real life, no food journal and no gym time? I lost 3 lbs! The weight continues to come off and I continue to choose me, my health and healthy choices over self sabotage and frustration. I am now just a few pounds away from my next goal and I hope to be at that goal in the next three weeks.

There are no quick AND healthy weigh loss fixes. If you truly want healthy weight loss, you have to be prepared to be patient, make yourself  a priority and most of all......remember that you are worth it.  I promise though, with THM.....weight loss is possible...... and I am living proof!

Miracles

Well  I am still plugging along and one week into a new challenge. I lost .2 lbs this week and even with such a small loss, I am celebrating. Why? Because it's a loss but more than that, it is helping me to keep a weekly count of my weight loss without being consumed by the numbers. There was actually a point in my life that such a small loss would have sent me into a depression. Yeah....the glass is half empty scenario and it would have been the green light for me to give up and give in. Not anymore. I have learned that a loss is a loss and quite honestly, I don't even need a loss to be motivated to keep going.

Someone ask me the other day if after I lose all the weight I need to, if I thought I would be able to keep it off. Ouch! Yet a very valid question as many who lose large amounts of weight are not able to maintain the loss and end up putting some, all or even more back on within a two year period of time. My answer was an unequivocal YES! Why am I so sure? Because THM is not only changing how I look but it is also changing how I view myself, food and the world.

I know I speak often of NSV's (non-scale victories) but quite frankly, I view each NSV as a small wonderful little miracle in my life. The fact that numbers don't rule my world or how I view myself anymore, that I can eat healthy and still be full and satisfied and the fact that I have been doing this for 10 weeks now and I haven't gone off plan once.....those are all miracles.

Ten weeks ago, I was truly convinced that I would never be able to lose weight. I was sure that I would have to spend the rest of my life being unhealthy, uncomfortable in my own skin and tired and miserable. I was cheating myself and my family because I "couldn't" lose weight and I viewed myself as not only a failure at weight loss, but also a failure at life. There was very little I liked about myself and I was down right miserable. Now.....I barely remember that person. I used to hate getting out of bed of a morning, but now I am up early and I stay busy all day long. My days are full of accomplishments and I am taking pride in who I am as a person. I have energy and an excitement for each new day that I didn't have before. It truly is amazing.

Another huge change is how I view my body. Oh, I still have a long way to go but I am learning to be much more forgiving of the imperfections that are my body. Before, I never looked in the mirror and if I did, it was from the neck up. I refused to stand in front of a full length mirror and if I had to, it always left me in tears. Now, I make myself look and when I do, I am so much happier with what I see. Also, since there is starting to be less of me, I noticed an old familiar panic take over about a week ago.

When I was young, I had an eating disorder and I teetered on the edge of anorexia while swallowing laxatives and diet pills. When I was very thin, that "looked" right to me, but it was so depressing because the way I achieved it was through almost starving myself to death. I would feel my bones protruding and feel depressed because I knew the only way I could keep them that way was to never eat. I was hungry and miserable and the weight loss was unsustainable. The other day as I saw collar bones starting to peak through, for a brief moment, my brain went back to a very unhealthy thought process. I started wondering how I could take the weight off faster. Maybe I could just eat smoothies for a week. Or maybe......I could skip a meal and a snack everyday. I felt my heart sink and my stomach knot. Then I realized that this was old, unhealthy thinking that would undo everything I had achieved these last 10 weeks. The truth is, I have had more success and happiness eating these last weeks than I have ever had with food in my entire life. Why in the world would I allow old, unsuccessful bad habits to creep in and derail what I have worked so hard for? Of course I wouldn't, but it was something I had to really think about, process and get through. Another amazing miracle.

So the weight is coming off. It will stay off, because my life has changed so radically in such a short time. While I enjoy food and still like to eat very much, food is no longer my crutch. I no longer use it to self medicate and when I eat, I can truly enjoy it because I know that not only am I filling my stomach but I am doing it in a healthy way that leaves no room for remorse or guilt.

Miracles happen all around us everyday and they are not just confined to the big, over the top things. Miracles can also be as small as finding happiness in being able to bend over and paint your own toe nails or being able to walk five miles without needing oxygen and an EMS team. The biggest THM miracle for me though has been that I have found a whole new strength in myself and I am learning to really like the person I am becoming. Now that folks....is a miracle!

Not My....Best Week Ever

To put it bluntly....I sucked at THM during these last two weeks! But I am human and I am allowed to suck every once and awhile. This particular challenge has been much more challenging to me than the previous one. Life hit me with some unexpected changes and worries and I spent a good deal of these two weeks trying to deal with emotions. In the past, emotions have always been my downfall as that is when I usually reach for fast food and gummy bears. I am proud to say that neither passed my lips, but I did not do well on plan either.

Along with being all up in my emotions and fighting off McDonald's urges, I also found some Trim Healthy Mama items that can be described as nothing less than pure evil. That's right....I said EVIL! First there was Lily's Chocolate bars. I found a couple of variety's at a little store we have close by that sells a lot of the THM stuff. I knew after the first bite that I was going to have to watch myself....especially when I dipped them in Peanut Junkie Butter. Goodness it was amazing! It was a Reese's peanut butter cup without the sugar. Not over indulging became a real trick and I realized after my second bar, that buying these at this point in my journey was not in my best interest, so bye bye Lily's until I can actually behave myself and act like an adult around them and not a kid whose parents are away for the weekend. Sigh......

The other truly EVIL thing I discovered was the Trimtastic Cake. I switched out the zucchini and used yellow squash and switched out the chocolate with strawberries. I made it into cupcakes and I couldn't keep my hands off of them. Luckily, my family had similar feelings about them, so there weren't a lot left around to tempt me. It did however, take me only about 10 seconds to realize that these treats needed to be left for special occasions when many people would be around to help me eat them. Again....my addictive personality was kicking in.

Along with finding these new almost irresistible treats, I did a lot of fighting with my emotions which left me also fighting old patterns and habits. Rather than waiting the 3 hours, my afternoons and evenings sometimes had much less time between when I ate. And last Saturday was my worst day since I started this back in May. I ended up throwing the time table out the window and declared it a cheat day. The foods I ate were on plan and I really tried not to have any crossovers, but there was a lot more food in a lot less time span.

While I have tried my hardest to stick this week out and do my best.....my best hasn't been very good compared to the last few weeks. Oh....and there was that whole pesky exercise thing. Yeah....it didn't happen. I tried a couple of times, but the truth is....exercise was inconvenient in my schedule so rather than make myself a priority and make the time.....I kind of just.....didn't do it. Nope, it was not one of my finer couple of weeks.

Now the good news. Yes, there is good news.....at least I think there is. There has been one huge NSV (non-scale victory) in all of this and that has been the fact that I have not touched sugar and even with all my "bad" eating, I still couldn't make myself eat off plan stuff. Even on my worst day, I didn't reach for off plan candy, chips or fast food. That in itself is quite amazing! I also made sure that starting this next week/challenge, that my elliptical was ready to go and that my exercise time comes before anything else....whatever I have to do to make it work. I am not going to let bad habits and stress beat me!

I am not as happy with myself right now as I have been, but I do know that I have come too far to backslide and lose all that I have accomplished. Even though I have not lived up to what I know I can achieve, I know that I have changed a lot and I want to continue forward. Over these last few weeks, my idea of what is cheating has completely changed as well as how I view food and more importantly myself. I think once I get the exercise implemented just as strongly as the good eating habits seem to be, that my continued journey on this plan will be much more effective and my health benefits will just continue to increase.

So how did I do these two weeks after finding Lily's and Trimtastic Cake and not being faithful to my eating schedule? Well, I was prepared for anything this morning. Mostly I was expecting to see a gain, but amazingly.....I am exactly where I started two weeks ago. Normally this would be a bit disappointing, but today I am grateful that I don't have to re-lose weight I put back on because of "bad" behavior. Okay....not bad but definitely slightly naughty!

Today is a new day and while I haven't heard what the next challenge is yet, I know I am ready to continue this journey and I am prepared to give it 100%.

Life is not about perfection because we are imperfect beings. Life is about trying, sometimes failing.....and then picking yourself up and starting again. It is our failures that we learn from and there have been many lessons for me, both physically and mentally in these last couple of weeks. I am getting stronger and life's speed bumps don't cripple me like they used to. Will this be the last time I have a bad couple of weeks while working to lose my weight and become a better me? I sincerely doubt it, but hopefully the times will become less and less and each time they do come, I will be able to handle them better and better.

So my suggestion to all of you out there......Don't give up! Don't expect perfection from yourself because you will only set yourself up to fail! Simply do your best each minute of each day and always keep in mind that.....you are worth it!

Sorry...Not Sorry!

So this weeks blog almost didn't happen. Well....the blog would have probably happened, but I almost had decided not to share them anymore on the THM pages. Why? Because I got a private message last week after my end of challenge blog from a lady who told me "Please stop blogging and posting about every little detail of your weight loss. You are really over doing it and causing other mama's not to like you much." There was more to the message but that was the sum and substance of it. She felt I was oversharing and she was tired of it.

Now if someone were to describe me, "sensitive" would not be one of the first adjectives used. As a blogger of many years and someone who at one time was very involved in the political scene, you develop a pretty thick skin when it comes to personal attacks. I wouldn't really call this a personal attack, but it did make me stop and think. Was I oversharing? Was I too excited about THM and forcing it down others throats? I did back away from posting much on the THM Facebook pages this week, but after some careful thought and consideration, I decided BULL PUCKY.....Ima gonna share! So Message Mama, sorry.....not sorry! 

I share because of two reasons. The first is that if someone hadn't shared....and shared......and shared with me, I might never have ever heard of THM or be where I am right now. Thank you Marni Wells Jones from the bottom of my now, much healthier heart. The second reason is, THM in the beginning stages is not easy. For a beginner it is confusing and frustrating and you feel like the worlds dumbest person trying to figure out S, E, FP and so on. Having someone out there who has been through the challenging first stages, stuck with it and who is having success, is often just the catalyst for others who are on the fence about whether to trudge ahead or give up and eat a cheesecake. This Celery Girls advice........trudge mama's! Please keep trudging!

As I read through the different THM Facebook pages, especially the beginners one, I really do see a lot of struggle and frustration from time to time. Trying to wrap your head around no numbers, NSV's, radishes as potatoes and cauliflower being everything from rice to a sauce is confusing. So today I want to answer some questions that I see pop up all the time. Now please note: I AM SPEAKING ONLY OF MY EXPERIENCE. I can speak to no one elses.

1) Do I have to read the books? No! Only if you want to understand the plan thoroughly is this necessary. HOWEVER, I suggest you have on hand both the original THM book and the THM Cookbook. As you will refer to them a lot!!!!! The funny thing is that as you progress on the plan, the original book makes more and more sense and I personally use my cookbook daily.

2) I am not social and don't get on Facebook a lot. Am I missing out on much by NOT joining the THM FB groups? YES! Some of my best information has come from these groups and the ladies who share questions, thoughts, ideas and recipes....not to mention their awesome lifestyle transformation stories. Nothing is more motivating than to see the before and after pictures of these women working to change their lives. As a side note: If not for the FB group THM - Challenge Group......I would not be sitting here writing this today!

3) I love bread. I do not understand why I can't have bread with my eggs on plan! You can have bread with your eggs on plan! Eggs are an S meal. There are S breads you can make up quickly in a mug, toast them and enjoy. You can also eat a piece of sprouted bread with your eggs and consider it a crossover, meaning you are mixing your carbs and fats. On occasion, that is perfectly fine, but if you make a habit of it....you might get a bit frustrated that the pounds don't shed as easily.

4)How can I do this? I have a family and I can't afford to make separate meals for them and me. So don't! I guarantee that at least 75% of the meals on plan are what I call "family pleasing" meals. This means that if you make Taco Time Taco's or Lazy Lasagna and don't tell them it is THM, they will eat it, love it and ask for more! I speak from experience on this!!!!!!

5) I made Lazy Lasagna. It was delicious, but I am still hungry. Can I have more? If so....how much? Yes. You can have more. The beauty of THM is freedom. If you work the plan correctly, you should never feel hungry or deprived. Sometimes though, we fnd ourselves hungrier than at other times. If you want more food....eat more food....within limits. I always jot down what I eat and if I eat extra at a meal. That way if I have a slow loss or no loss week or even a gain week, I can go back over what I ate and see where I can cut back or change things up for a better upcoming week.

6) Do I have to drink Good Girl Moonshine (GGMS)? I don't like the taste of the apple cider vinegar? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! No...you do not have to drink it BUT believe it or not it helps your cravings, weight loss, over all health and most of all.....IT GROWS ON YOU! My first GGMS I nearly died. It was awful and I did not finish it. My friend though, encouraged me to look up recipes on Pinterest and play with flavorings and also to cut back to about a tsp. of ACV until I got used to it. I took her advice and found some GGMS that I really liked. From there I began making my own concoctions and never measuring the ACV (I know it is closer to a Tbsp per drink now) and now......I find it difficult to drink my drinks without ACV in them. I couldn't do this plan without my GGMS.

7) There is so much to drink between the GGMS, the sippers, smoothies, frappas, etc. Do I really need to drink all of this and if so, do I need to drink water too? Yes and yes! I know it sounds like a lot but your body does need most of this. I usually average 1-2/32 oz jars of GGMS, 1-2/32 oz jars of a sipper and 8 glasses of water a day. I also usually throw in a smoothie for either breakfast or a snack. The frappas? I use that as a special treat from time to time. The fact is, the GGMS and the sippers introduce healthy ingredients to your body and promote weight loss. The water is necessary for everything from your skin and other organs to your digestive track. Keeping hydrated is essential as many times we mistake hunger for thirst. My motto....Drink! DRINK! Drink!

8) Why does it seem that everyone else is losing weight and I am stalled or even gaining weight? I don't think THM is working for me! Bottom line, don't judge your weight loss by anyone elses. We are all unique and there are many factors involved as to how we lose weight. How much weight you have to lose, how much weight you have carried over a period of time, how much or little you work out, how strictly you stick to the plan, the time of the month, hormones in general, stress, chronic illness and genetics all play a part in our ability to lose and gain weight. I can tell you that before May 15, 2016....I was convinced that I could NEVER lose weight as I had lost and gained the same 10 pounds for over 15 years. I was giving THM one "all in" chance to see if I could lose weight by doing the Spring Fling Challenge. If I gave it everything and lost nothing or only a couple of pounds, I was resigned to a life of being overweight and unhealthy. I stuck to plan, stayed on track and got off my keester and started moving. I found out that I COULD lose and it was at a slow and steady pace. Be happy with your numbers, even if the weight only comes off in tiny incriments. All those little numbers add up in the big scheme of things and I am here to tell you.....if I can lose.....anyone can! 

9) I don't have a support system and people refuse to quit buying and eating junk off-plan foods around me. How can I possibly do this? Please know that I say this with as much love, respect and understanding as possible.....Put on your big girl panties and love you enough to make it happen! You ARE worth it! I guarantee that if you can stay completely on plan for 1 week, you will understand this. If your family doesn't support you, then turn to your THM groups. See if there isn't someone close to you in one of the groups who will buddy with you. If no one is close, then find a long distance buddy and call, chat, email and message each other. The THM groups have an abundance of support, but you have to ask for it. Don't give into failure before you even begin. If those around you insist on having snacks and unhealthy foods in the house, then ask them to keep them in their rooms or find a cabinet that is for THEIR stuff and know that it is off limits to you. In exchange.....give yourself a cabinet or space that is full of wonderful on-plan snacks and quick fix foods so that no matter what they bring in the house....you won't feel tempted. It does get easier....I promise!

10) Final question. How do I keep my kids out of my GGMS and my THM foods? I say....don't! It is never too early to teach our kids good and healthy eating habits. Kids are great immitators and if they see you drink or eat something, naturally they will want it too. I used to try and hoard my GGMS, my greek yogurt and my Peanut Junkie Butter from kids, until I realized that I was molding how they saw and ate food and that it would likely be with them the rest of their lives. They now eat what I eat. It is all about the ever changing perception of food and how we choose to make it a part of our lives.

So there you have it. My answers to frequently asked beginner questions. And yes, I am currently doing the No-Cheat Get Moving 2 week challenge. Today ends week one and although I have "moved" some and paid for it a bit, I have stayed on plan for yet another week. Each week gets easier as I find no reason to cheat, after all....just about anything can be THMized!

Now to today's weigh in. For the first time in weeks....I gained 2/10ths of a pound. I am good with that as I know my body is changing. It is all part of the process and because I keep track of what I eat, if changes need to be made, I will know exactly where to make them.

My final words to you this week.....Don't give up! You've got this! And most importantly......You are worth it!

When One Challenge Ends.....Another Begins......Thank You Chrissy Benoit!

And the Spring Fling Challenge is at end. If you remember it started May 15, 2016 and yesterday was my last full day (June 30, 2016). In that period of time I began working out, something I hadn't done in a very long time and I went "all in" with Trim Healthy Mama (THM).

Before I give you the numbers, let me tell you a little about what this challenge has done for my life....after all, I am far more than a number!

Since May 15th:

I have had minimal to no sugar (I say minimal because I am not a purist so I may miss reading a label or two)
I have eaten on-plan every day
I have taken my once beloved Diet Mt. Dew out of my mouth, my house and my life (I don't even crave it anymore)
I have proven to myself that activities that I "thought" I couldn't do, I can
I lowered my blood pressure
I was able to go a couple of days without my acid reflux medicine (something I never could do before)
My joints and feet no longer ache
I have fought off several sinus issues without the help of medical intervention
I have eaten desserts daily
I have never been hungry
I am down to maybe a couple of headaches during the month instead of 10-12
I am putting....tumeric, ginger, collagen, apple cider vinegar (ACV), lemon and other healing foods into my body
I have learned a love of cauliflower, radishes and even zuchinni and spinach
I can fit into a smaller size clothes
I don't get winded as much
I can cross my legs comfortably
And most of all........I FEEL BETTER!

I can honestly say that this challenge has been the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.

So now for the numbers. As of this morning....I have lost 19.2 lbs. I have also lost 9.5 inches. Those numbers are amazing as I have not lost that kind of weight in many years, nor have the inches come off like that. The down side to this whole thing is that I had/have a significant amount of weight to lose on my little 5'1" frame. Even with those numbers, the progress although I can feel it, is not very noticable. I had before pictures to go along with all of this, but they were on my old phone and seem to be MIA at this moment. My son assures me he can find them. At any rate, for now......the progress seems to be more internal than external which tells me that I have a lot more work to do.

Thank God (literally) for the THM-Challenge Group on Facebook. Not resting on their laurels....they began a brand new challenge today which I needed desperately. It is the 2 Week No Cheat - Get Moving Challenge. This means working out at a sweat causing, muscle burning pace for at least 30 min. per day and absolutely no cheating. I got the no cheat thing down but I will definitely have to work on the 30 min. per day. God Bless Chrissy Benoit and her challenge group for being what I needed to prove to myself that I really can change my life......one fantastic meal at a time. 

So now I begin my new challenge. I will likely be blogging on Friday's for the next couple of weeks as that is the new weigh-in day. Wish me luck! And better than that....if you need a lifestyle change like I did....come and join me. Us mama's gotta stick together!

Happy 4th Everyone!!!!!!

A Little Determination.......and a Whole Lot of Prayer

Another week is in the books and this week was probably the most emotinally satisfying week so far. There were a lot of little NSV's and I hate to call them "little" because actually, any NSV at this point is monumental in my book.

This was the week that I realized that I was 40+ days into this plan and that I had no intentions of losing ground or falling back. I actually woke up in the middle of the night one night and had nothing short of an epiphany. Okay....granted, I woke up because I had to pee, BUT at that exact moment, when I popped up out of bed and didn't "struggle" to get up, I realized that I am really doing this! I am really losing weight and getting healthy!

Truthfully, no one except my son has said that they notice anything different in me. He says he can tell around my mid section. I can actually see it in my face, but I think maybe at this point, the change may not be as noticable on the outside as it is on the inside.

I feel different from my head to my toes.....literally. My headaches  that plagued me at least 12-15 times a month have gone to maybe 2-3 times  per month and they have been weather related. I have fought off and won over an impending sinus infection without going near an antibiotic. I move eaiser and I don't get winded after running up and down the stairs for the billionth time in a day. I actually have the energy to run up and down the stairs a billion times each day. My knees and hips no longer hurt and the horrible pains I would have in my feet in the middle of the night and the first thing in the morning are now non-existant.

As far as other NSV's go, I am now down to about a chin and a half instead of the tripple chin I was starting to sprout. I managed to make it 3 days this week on the elliptical working for 20 minutes on a fat burning workout. I also implemented arm and leg work outs to my regimine. I realized that I can comfortably cross my legs now and all my clothes are getting looser. And finally, I have managed to move down to a smaller size jeans once again. I am over the moon!

I think though, the biggest NSV for me came this week when my middle son asked me when I had a cheat day coming up. I just looked at him but my inner self was screaming "CHEAT DAY? What the heck are you trying to do to me?" I managed to calmly and with only a hint of hysteria in my voice. ask him why he was asking. Apparently he was craving a pre-THM dish that I used to make and wanted me to make it for him. Rather than cave and say we can do that, my mind went to work thinking how I could THMify the recipe so we could all  enjoy it. You know what....I figured it out! I think it was then that I realized that I am now not only eating differently, but I am also thinking differently about food. My mind has become a bit of a THM calculator, separating out fats from carbs and quickly changing a mainstream recipe into a THM recipe just by mentally rearranging the ingredients.

So it was a really good week mentally and today was my last "full week" weigh in of the Spring Fling Challenge. I had no hesitation approaching the scales this morning and as I looked down, I was greeted with another loss. My losses seem to be low numbers but steady results and I am good with that because all of those low numbers eventaully add up to a great big number and I know that with the path I am on, that big number is coming.

Today starts the last days of my challenge. June 30th, I will tally up all the numbers, check all the measurements and do the most telling thing of all.....take pictures. I am almost excited to see my befores and afters and to see if the change is really visable. Fingers crossed.

This has been the most rewarding few weeks that I have had in many years. I have proven some things to myself and finally I have counted myself worthy of the change I not only needed but also deserved. I am learning about me, my health and most of all..... that I can do anything with a little determination..... and a whole lot of prayer!

Week Five is Done

I am learning so much. It's true! I am learning about how to eat, why it's so important to eat right, the adverse affects of sugar and most of all......I am learning about myself and my body. It is a lot to learn in just a little over a month, but hopefully I will keep all that I am learning in mind as I continue to move forward.

One thing I have learned is that two people can follow the exact same plan and same menu and at the end of a week, can lose or not lose weight differently. I have seen lots of Mama's upset on the THM Facebook pages because they followed someone elses menus (who maybe dropped 3-5 lbs that week) but they either lost only a few 10ths of a pound, didn't move on the scale at all or even gained a bit. I know it is frustrating and it makes you crazy, but there are reasons for this.

Each of us is an individual and each of us loses individually....or differently. If you have 100-200 lbs to lose, those first weeks if you stick to plan, you are going to lose much faster than someone with say 20-50 lbs to lose. However, the more weight you lose and the farther along in weight loss you are, often times those pounds become more difficult to take off. You may have lost steadily for 3-4 months and then suddenly, your body plateaus and getting that scale to move is nearly impossible. That is why our Non-scale Victories (NSV's) are so important. They help us to focus on more than the numbers.

Sometimes when we add exercise into the mix, especially muscle building exercise such as weights, the scales will stall out or even go up a bit, even if we have not deviated from plan at all. While this is frustrating to see, the reality is that it is a good thing. It means that your body fat is being replaced by muscle and the more muscle you have the faster your metabolism is. This is why exercise is crucial to a healthy lifestyle.

So if you know you are doing it right, but your scales don't seem to be agreeing, don't fall apart, freak out or give up. Maybe it is time to change it up a bit. Add more aerobic (fat burning) exercise, or maybe you need to add a few extra E meals or throw in some extra FP's just to shake things up a bit. Your body really is improving. I promise.

As for my body.....I just finished up week 5 of the Spring Fling Challenge. I have one week and four day's left. This last week has been a bit rough for me. There have been a few stressors, it has been really hot and....well....in the past that would have been enough to "cut myself some slack" and let myself binge. I did not. I did have a few emotional hunger issues which I either relieved by eating a bit more at a meal or a couple of times I didn't wait the whole 3 hours before eating my next meal/snack for fear I would really eat something bad. Other than that though, I never went off plan. Still, I felt really bad about myself all week. This stressed me. I kept looking in the mirror looking for a difference and I couldn't see anything. In fact, I worried that this would be the week that the scales would turn on me completely and I would have failed myself.

Finally, after giving myself about a day to worry, feel sorry for myself and contemplate throwing it all in for a cheesecake and some fries, I kicked my own tail and gave myself some straight talk. So what if the scales said I gained. What was the worst thing that would happen? I couldn't have gained much because I have stayed on plan. So what is a pound or two? I am still way ahead of where I started and I needed to remind myself that I was in this for the long haul. It was then and there that I realized I was obsessing and that the scale was my guide and nothing more. I refused to allow it to become my obsession. From there I decided that the scales be damned, I wasn't going to quit and I wasn't going to go off plan, but I was going to start eating my way through the THM Cookbook. 

Each day I began trying something new from the cookbook and my obsession about the scales quickly turned to excitement over what I was going to fix next. I tried pancakes, syrup and ketchup. I have done the meatloaf and tacos and my all time favorite.....the cinnamon roll in a mug. When you eat like that you fill that void or need for comfort food which helps a little with my anxiety and stress (at least for me it does). The great thing is, afterwards.....I don't have to feel an ounce of guilt or remorse. It is win/win!

Another issue I had this last week was exercise. Not once did I take a walk, but I did get a nice NSV in by proving to myself that I could still last for a while on the elliptical. It was only 15 minutes, but then again....it WAS 15 minutes. After that though, other than house work and my daily activity, there was no exercise. This worried me too as I was eating VERY well with almost zero exercise. Yeah, last night rolled around and I was kind of dreading today. Still, before I went to bed, I made peace with whatever was going to show up on the scales this morning.

When the moment of truth hit, I was ready. Regardless of what that number read, I was still moving forward, sticking to plan and happy knowing that I refused to quit, give up or walk away. So as the mental drum roll began, I closed my eyes, held my breath and then just peeked one eye open. It was a loss! It wasn't a huge loss, but it was a loss and I was beyond happy. Yay me!

So I am embarking on my last full week of the challenge. I plan on continuing to work my way through the cookbook and hopefully this week, I will add a bit more exercise. I have a lot more weight to go and I can tell you that the end of this challenge will definitely not be the end of my time on THM. We are way past the habit stage of things and it is now how I choose to live my life from here on out.

Oh....and Happy Father's Day to all you dad's out there! :)

Perfection is Not Required

Perfection! The elusive dream that has stopped many a diet and lifestyle change, dead in its tracks. Why? Because we are human beings and sometimes as human beings we can be down right ridiculous.

Last I knew, there was only one perfect Person and none of us are Him. We strive to be our best in His image, but as faulty human beings, that is as close as we will ever come. That being said, it is this lack of imperfection that constantly pushes us, gives us life lessons and helps us to become the "imperfect" people we are suppose to be.

So if all of this is true, then why when it comes to weight loss and a healthy lifestyle, do we put the expectation of perfection on ourselves and make it  "do or die" if we fail in that perfection? Think about it. If you forget to wash laundry and everyone is out of underwear, yeah....it's a bit of setback for all involved, but do you never do laundry again because of that setback or do you forgive the situation and move forward? What if you forget to put gas in the car and you run out on your way to the store? Again, do you never drive, put gas in your car or go to the store again? OR do you just chalk it up to being a busy fallible human, who made a mistake? Of course you forgive yourself and move forward. So why can't we approach our fallibility during a lifestyle change and weight loss with the same forgiving nature. Why must a setback=a fail=a complete falling off the wagon? 

If we are honest without ourselves, we did not put weight on over night. For most of us, it has been a years long, dedicated effort. So if it took you six years and two pregnancies to put on 75 pounds, why would you possibly expect that weight to come off in a week, month or even six months?

Somewhere in our imperfect human brains, we believe that if the weight doesn't fall off over night and if we don't give complete and total perfection to our food plan and in turn the scales don't give us the reflection of that perfection then somehow we have failed (or the plan has failed us) and therefore we should just give up and eat cake.....and candy.....and a triple burger.....and an entire cheesecake....and on and on and on. This is our mind working against our body and often, that kind of mixed up sense of who we should be and how we should be doing things is what makes us our own worst enemy and our own biggest road block to success.

Weight loss and change will not happen until we are ready for it to happen....body, mind and spirit. Until that day when we know in the deepest part of us that we are ready for it, we will set ourselves up to fail and expect perfection out of an imperfect vessel. We will remain frustrated and unhappy with ourselves and continue to go down the path of unhealthy foods and eventually health issues brought on by our unhealthy habits. Sometimes it takes years of trying, failing and beating yourself up before you hit that magical place where you suddenly realized that weight loss is not a sprint to the finish line, but rather a slow and steady pace that leads you over rocky terrain, tough obstacles and even through some trying setbacks, but regardless.....you keep picking yourself up and moving forward. Always forward. The day when you finally realize that perfection is not necessary, only a belief in yourself, faith that you have the strength to finally love you enough to make a change and determination to see it through......regardless of what gets thrown in your path.....that is the day that you will begin to see real change.  

I hit that point on May 15, 2016 and the funny thing is, I didn't really know it at the time. All I knew was that I was tired of feeling like crap, feeling like I looked like crap and making myself miserable because I kept telling myself "I can't!" I decided that day to prove to myself once and for all that either I could lose weight and be healthy if I did what I was suppose to, or I would finally resign myself to being over weight, unhealthy and chances are.....ending up with some disease or illness brought on by the fact that I didn't care enough about myself to take care of myself.

Here we are a month later and I am still in the middle of the Spring Fling Challenge. I haven't veered from the plan once and trust me, this last week was a test of my fortitude. Along with my body, my home life is also changing. My world is very fluid right now and sometimes as a mom, caretaker, friend, etc. it gets overwhelming. I have become very well  aware of my triggers that throw me into a cheesecake frenzy or have me trying to buy Twinkies off the neighbohodr kids. I am learning to channel those triggers into more healthy outlets such as walking and praying. Yes....I pray a lot! It all seems to be working because even at my lowest point this last week, I stayed on plan and refused to allow myself to wallow, make excuses or quit. I have learned a lot of lessons about myself in this process and especially in the last seven days.

My reward for staying strong was a lower number on the scale. I am now in a place I haven't been in several years. I have also been enjoying some NSV's (non scale victories), from clothes fitting better, to my face thinning out. The biggest one this week though was.....I can comfortably cross my legs now!!!! It is amazing how much appreciation I have for the little things that come with this process.

No....I am not perfect on THM. There are meals that I know I probably eat more than I should, but I am hungry and I am eating on plan. I don't always exercise as I should and yes....as I said above, there are times when I think, "Wouldn't a burger, fries and shake be amazing right now?" That is when I decide whether I choose "me" or food. Whichever way I go, I know that three hours later I am back on track, but now I am choosing me. So I eat a burger wrapped in lettuce, some fried radishes and a cheesecake smoothie and I am taking care of me......without the slightest bit of deprivation!

So today is day 29. I have 18 days left. I don't plan on perfection whatsoever during these next 18 days, but I do plan on caring about myself enough to see this challenge through and hopefully within that time period, I pull a couple of more good numbers going south. Whatever happens though, I think I know me a little better now and know above all else....I deserve this!  And secure in this knowledge I am absolutely sure of one thing......perfection is not required! 

You Are Worth It!

So it's Sunday and today was weigh-in day. After last weeks weigh-in, I had pretty much prepared and coached myself to be happy with whatever the scale said. After all...I knew I had been sticking to the plan (minus one forgotten breakfast and one late night crossover which technically was still on plan). Still, I knew my body was changing and that there was every possibility that the scales had either not budged or quite possibly had only moved a few tenths of a pound like last week. This week though, there was a nice number on the minus side and I was very happy.

I may or may not have pointed out that I have been playing with THM for well over a year. I was on it full fledged for about a week right in the beginning, but then life hit and I let it be the excuse for me falling off the wagon. There have been a few starts and stops since that point and there have been times that I have been on plan about 50-60% of the time, but it wasn't until I saw the Spring Fling Challenge that something clicked inside of me.

Up until then, I had convinced myself that with my thyroid disease and being the care giver to my special needs son, that I would just never lose this weight. Actually, I convinced myself that I couldn't lose it. So when I put my son on THM with lots of crossovers and he started gaining weight and getting healthy, I knew that it was time his mama started losing weight and getting healthy too.

I can't really tell you why it is working for me this time or why I am so dedicated. Maybe it is that I finally understand the plan. I feel better about how it all works and I like the results I am seeing. Maybe it is because I am never hungry and sometimes have to force myself to eat because there is simply no deprivation in this plan at all. Maybe though, the reason everything is working this time is because it is my time. I finally quit making excuses and I am pushing myself to do things that I either didn't think I could do or simply didn't want to do previously.

As I read the THM Facebook pages, I see a lot of people saying...."I can't," or "I don't like" and making excuses as to why they aren't losing or why THM isn't working for them. The fact is, anyone can, you don't know if you like something until you try it and excuses help no one. They are simply making you bitter and frustrated while enabling you in whatever negative behaviors you are dealing with.

Quite honestly, in the beginning.....THM was the most frustrating and confusing plan I had ever been on. I didn't know my E's from my S's and fuggetaboutit when it came to FP's. I was totally lost. At that point in my life, I didn't see myself as worthy enough to take the time and figure out what I didn't understand, so I just gave up. I kept coming back though, because the food was delicious and fairly simple to make and I was absolutely in love with the drinks.

So this time, when the Spring Fling Challenge came up, I decided I could do anything for 6 weeks and it would be a true tell as to whether I could actually lose weight and if THM would really work for me. The proof is in the fact that I am still here and still plugging along half way through the challenge.

This week I have also been blessed with some NSV's (non scale victories). I have continued to increase my walking and since last Sunday, I have walked almost 15 miles. I took a picture of my face and posted it on Facebook. I had several call me out on this and say that they couldn't see my body. The fact is, my body is not near as hard for me to post a picture of as my face is. Anyone who knows me knows this. However, I did take a full body picture the day I started this challenge and I plan on taking another one on June 30th. THEN I will post the pictures and we shall see. I also was able to comfortably fit into a size 14 jean this week. That hasn't happened in a long while. Finally.....today....I am in the last digits of a number that I haven't seen in years. Next week if I have continued to move the scale south, I will be at a weight that I haven't been at in 15 years.

While I can't make anyone give THM a fair chance, I can encourage you to give it a try. Yes, if you purchase the first book, it will leave you scratching your head and wondering what the heck you have gotten yourself into. However, if you also purchase the cookbook and join some of the THM Facebook pages, it all becomes much easier and much clearer. Through Facebook, there are always people willing to answer your questions and help you piece together what you don't understand.

I am happy today, but then again.....I have been happy since I started this challenge. I am happy with me, my goals and my determination and believe me.....that is not a feeling I have had about myself in a very long time.

Until next time.....have a wonderful day and remember.....YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Week 2 of the Spring Fling THM - Challenge

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

So I finished week 2 of the Spring Fling THM-Challenge and I am starting week 3. First of all....a NSV (non scale victory). My NSV is that in 14 days....count 'em....14!!!....I have not veered from the plan even once. THAT to me is a victory. In all my years....I have never stuck to a plan this long without at least a little cheat. So as you can see....for me....it's big! I am extremely proud of myself and honestly, my body feels better for it. I have already lost the sugar cravings and I have never once felt "physically" hungry, the whole time.

I say "physically" hungry, because I will admit that there were a few times where I felt a few "emotional" hunger pains. You know what I am talking about. Your kid is suppose to be home at midnight and you haven't heard from him at 1 a.m.. The washer broke down and now you have to haul a U-Hauls worth of clothes to the laundry mat....or....you thought you were doing so good losing weight and you overhear someone make a less than flattering remark about your muffin top. Any and/or all of these things can send you over the bend and directly into "emotional" hunger. You know the hunger.....where you are tearing the house apart looking for those cookies you hid just in case or yanking up couch cushions looking for abandoned jelly beans.

Luckily, I was able to talk myself off the emotional ledge, but there were a couple of close calls. I have found that drinking water...a lot of water....in moments such as this does help. Another old trick that I use is when I know I am emotionally hungry and nothing more, I brush my teeth with the mintiest toothpaste I can find. After that, nothing but water is palatable for at least an hour and by then it is either time to eat or enough time has passed that the emotional issue is no longer an issue.

Even though I have been a "perfect" THMer this week, the scales showed only a 4/10 of a lb loss. I won't lie, after last weeks loss, this was a bit disappointing. I had to remind myself that even though it was small, it was still a loss and not to look a gift horse in the mouth. It did however make me take a closer look at my "perfect" week.

I think I said before that I keep a daily food journal. It is just a little notebook that I write down the foods I eat, how much water and GGMS I drink and my daily exercise. So on looking back at last week, the one area that was glaringly absent was EXERCISE. I managed to walk one day last week and the rest of the week....nahda. I also think that perhaps I had too many S meals and needed a few more E's and a few more FP's thrown in. While I never fell off plan once this week, after the week before, perhaps I needed to shake my meals up a bit. I will implement those changes with more exercise this week and then by next week, the scales should positively reflect the changes. Fingers crossed!

It is very easy to get frustrated, discouraged and down right fed up when you feel as if you have done it all right and the scales don't give you the numbers you are hoping for. It is at these moments that it would be easy to throw in the towel and find the first available cheesecake and devour the whole thing. However, when you are changing your life for the better, sometimes you have to take the good with the not so good. There will be weeks that the scale simply doesn't reflect all we feel we have put into our plan. That is when you look beyond the scale. Do your pants fit looser? Can you now fit into shorts that you couldn't a month ago? Look....you can now actually button your blouse. My hands aren't swollen from too much sugar. I was able to walk an extra mile two times this week, and I am now down to two chins instead of three. In essence, whether the scale is reflecting the changes or not....your body is. Don't judge your progress by your scales alone.

So, yeah....I did well this week even though the scales didn't move as much as I would have liked. I feel good and my body is feeling good. I have set a goal and I intend to keep it, knowing that this journey for me is about learning who I am, listening to what my body is telling me and proving to myself that I am worth the time and effort it takes to take care of me.

I hope you all are having an amazing Memorial Weekend and please remember those who have given their all so that we might remain free!

Donut Girl and Some Tips for Success in THM

Happy Sunday everyone! Yes...another blog. I didn't really plan another blog on Celery Girl, but I had a comment this morning that kinda made me want to.

First of all, today it has been one week since the Spring Fling Challenge started. I was faithful all week and stayed within plan. It paid off. I will not say how it paid off and I will not be posting any kind of numbers until June 30th at the end of the challenge. I will just say....it paid off. 

This brings me to the comment I received this morning on yesterday's blog. I am going to share it here:

Donut Girl May 22,2016 at 11:05 AM

"I loved this blog but I am so frustrated. I am trying to work my way through THM and I am try to eat like others in the different groups but they are losing a lot of weight and I don't seem to be doing anything. I want to cry. No one any to go eat donuts. Can you help me please? Tell me what I'm doing wrong and tell me how to fix it."

Let me first say Donut Girl....I feel your pain and I have been in your shoes. I think honestly, most of us can say this. Also, I am not an expert in anything except myself and my own body. That being said though, I do have a bit of experience with diets, dieting, losing and failing tremendously. I know the frustration, the anger and the ultimate disappointment of feeling as if once again I failed. I also know how it feels to look in the mirror and not like what I see and not like how I feel. Plain and simple.....IT SUCKS! 

This is why I am writing today's blog. No....I won't be boring you daily with this blog, mostly because I have two other blogs in which to bore people with. Today though, I want to reach out again, to those who feel as if they are the hamster in the wheel, doing all the work but getting no where.

To begin with, changing your life through food is much different than dieting. Trim Healthy Mama (THM) is truly a life change and up until now, most of us have been on diets. What's the difference? EVERYTHING.....from the way we think to the way we eat and how our bodies feel. With diets we have to measure, count calories or if it is done for us, then we have to eat small portions of food that we really have no idea what chemicals are in them or how they will affect our bodies. Diets can also leave our bodies missing nutrients and causing our hormones to get out of whack. This leaves us unsatisfied, in a bad mood and often times feeling worse than before we started. Mentally....the word "diet" is unpleasant and most usually, sets us up to fail, before we even get started.

Serene and Pearl went out of their way in making THM, to ensure we wouldn't have to deal with any of the "diet" unpleasantness. They have designed this plan so that while taking weight off, we learn to eat properly and fuel our bodies properly. The trade off is, we do our own cooking and we learn about the foods we put into our body and how our bodies work with those foods. There are none of the highs and lows of blood sugar issues, hormones going crazy or our bodies becoming malnourished because we aren't eating the right combinations of good fats and carbs. There are no extremes and done properly, there are no mid-day crashes, no middle of the night munchies and no feelings of anger from being hungry and not being able to eat.

This is however, a full body experience which means mind as well as body. In essence, the first step to success is not to let your negative brain override your positive new plan. The brain is powerful. It can tell us we are hungry when we really aren't and it can cause us to trip up and fail just because it is telling us we are on just another diet. Fortunately.....after about a week of realizing that your body is fully fed, not missing out on good treats like chocolate and desserts and that your hormones aren't running a muck, your brain starts to settle down and get with the program.

Now here are some tips to making THM a permanent lifestyle change and how not to derail yourself.

1) Get both of the THM books. The first one Trim Healthy Mama Plan is a little more challenging to understand right off the bat, but as you progress, you will find yourself coming back to it more and more. The second book Trim Healthy Mama Cookbook is the recipe book and it is my cooking bible. It is full of recipes and information to help make the plan easy to jump into. Both can be purchased from the THM website.

2) Get on FB and look up THM pages. There are many THM pages and I suggest you join several. You will find out that you are not alone in this journey and there are many who will help you and cheer you on. Eventually you will find the groups you are most comfortable with and that will become your THM home.

3) Ask questions. If you don't know by now.....no one started out on this journey having all the answers. It is always about asking questions and learning. No question is stupid if it helps you to better understand the plan.

4) Don't compare your journey to others. I see this every day on the THM pages. Mary followed Sally's menu for the week and she lost 8 lbs. Susie also followed Sally's menu for the week and she only lost 2 lbs and poor Amy followed it too and she gained 2 lbs. It's enough to make a person eat an off plan donut....or six.

5) DON'T weigh yourself everyday. Our bodies, especially if you are a woman, can fluctuate from morning to night. We retain water, sometimes we have to poop and during our time of the month.....fuggitaboutit. A good rule of thumb is to not weigh more than once a week. Weigh the same time of day, (usually first thing in the morning after you have gone to the bathroom). Try also to weigh in the same clothes each time. Also....don't judge your success by the number on the scale. As you get more active and work out, you will begin to build muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat and sometimes you will see a bit of an increase in numbers because of this. Also, with THM, the non scale victories (NSV) are every bit as important as the numbers on the scale. Maybe the scales didn't move this week, but you can now wear a smaller size, someone at work noticed that you are losing weight or your child notices that your lap is now bigger and they have more room to sit. What the scale says is only a small part of changing your lifestyle, so don't drive yourself crazy by weighing everyday. All you will do is get frustrated and derail yourself. Once a week and no more!

6) Each of us is different and we are going to lose weight differently, even if we follow the exact same menu. If you are bigger and start off weighing more, then chances are in the beginning you will lose weight faster. After a few weeks though, the quick weight loss will stall out and then you have to mix up your menus with S's and E's and FP's thrown in along the way. Exercise may also need to be amped up when you stall out and believe it or not.....sometimes a cheat day is necessary just to shake your body up and throw it out of stall mode. Yes, cheat days have their place, but only as a last resort.

7) Water. I know that with Good Girl Moonshine and Sippers that there is no issue of thirst going on in the plan, but water is still crucial. It is proven that those who manage to drink 48-62 ounces of water per day when trying to lose weight, have much better results. Now I just hear some of you out there saying....."But I can't stand water." I know that for some it is an acquired taste but it is necessary and trust me, you can learn to not only like water, but after a time, you will actually prefer it to other things. At any rate....it is key in weight loss so I encourage you to develop a long and lasting relationship with it.

8) Pinterest. It's not just for decorating your home and yard anymore. There are many THM recipes on Pinterest and most are labeled as S or E or FP. There are a lot of creative people out there who make it their mission to make every recipe a THM recipe and then to share it. Take advantage of their generosity and let them help you make weekly menus. Also....there are some amazing blogs that you can find through Pinterest and through the THM fb pages that will help to encourage you and keep you on the THM track.

9) Weekly menus. For some these are crucial to maintaining the plan. Some people are much more apt to stay on plan if it is mapped out for them in advance. Planning ahead and knowing what you will be preparing and having all your ingredients on hand ahead of time, is a great help for many and the key to success. It takes the guess work out of life and also takes last minute indecisiveness out of the picture.

10) I keep a journal. It is not a typical dieters food journal. It is more or less the recipes I use, where I found them and how we liked them. I also have notes about how I tweaked them to my families liking. This way I have a list of go-to recipes when I am planning my week out. I also keep track of my exercise and my water intake. This way if I have a week where I don't lose or I feel like I didn't do my best, I can look back and see what changes I need to make.

11) Finally, find some THMers close to you. Maybe you live in the same town and you can workout together. Maybe you can form a group and get together monthly and share recipes and talk about your ups and downs. If no one is close to you, then find yourself a fellow THMer online and keep in touch with them. Use each other to ask questions, throw out ideas and share the the highs and lows of changing your life. Don't feel alone and don't think you are the only one who deals with the lows. At the same time....share those highs. Each positive change in your life is going to bring you that much closer to a healthier you.

So yeah, a blog two days in a row. Mind blowing...right? Donut Girl....I hope this blog helped and I hope you realize that you can do this. I have faith in you! Really though, I'm not saying anything that most of you don't already know. I'm just putting it altogether as a reminder. Each and every one of us has the ability to achieve our goals whether they be health, fitness or weight loss. Some days are easier than others, but by making a few changes and following some basic rules....we've all got this.

Please feel free to comment. I look forward to hearing your stories, comments and questions. And as always....thank you for reading the Celery Girl blog.

My THM Story So Far........

So since I have been blogging here and there about Trim Healthy Mama (THM) and started a "local" THM for Us 2015 facebook page, I have gotten some questions. They are mostly the same questions that I asked as I started this journey. So for your reading pleasure on this wonderful Saturday, I thought I would answer some of those questions while telling you a little bit about what I have learned about myself, THM and my body...so far!

I am 50ish. Since I have been in my teens, I have probably lost and gained 500 lbs. No....I have never weighed 500 lbs BUT, the amounts of weight that I have lost and then regained and lost again over the years, would probably easily hit that number.

Truthfully, I have tried every "diet" out there and I have even tried some more dangerous avenues to weight loss such as diet pills (you know...the ones that actually killed people before the FDA stepped in). In my efforts of trying to make my young 115 lb body into perfection, I developed an eating disorder and for years was extremely unhealthy.

Now, I know my story is similar to many peoples. When I was growing up in the 70's and 80's, curves were not "respected" as they are today. If your bones didn't protrude from your skin and you weren't rocking a size 0, then you were considered FAT! I was 5'1", I weighed between 110 and 115 lbs and I wore a size 7. Looking back, I was small.....very small, but society told me a different story. Society told me that I was overweight and I felt ashamed. Keep in mind too, that back then, even the medical community was more concerned about "how" you looked and what the scale said, than how healthy you actually were.

After I started having children, I would never quite get all the baby weight off before I had another one. By the time my youngest was born when I was only 27 weeks pregnant and yet bigger than I had been with my other pregnancies, I knew there was a problem. It was at this time that I began to stress eat. My son was in the NICU for 5 months and diagnosed with a myriad of health issues. My husband died unexpectedly just months after my son came home from the hospital and within months of that, my mother died from cancer. Food was about the only thing that I could control and that made me feel temporarily better and over the years my weight continued to climb.

As the weight packed on, I tried Adkins, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, just to name a few. They all worked temporarily, until my mind rebelled against the word "diet" and my finances rebelled against expensive meal plans and weekly dues that I had to pay. I would lose, 15-20 lbs and then gain it all back and more because I was learning nothing about myself or the food that I was putting into my body. I expected these plans to do all the work for me while I ate my way back to 110 lbs. I had no concept of how food, calories, fats, sugar or carbohydrates worked in my body and more over.....I had no real idea of why I stress ate. It was a losing battle and the biggest loser was starting to become my health.

Since my youngest is special needs and will likely need me for most....if not all of his life, I feared that the cancer that runs rampant in my family would one day attack me and take me away from him. I was also terrified of all the auto-immune diseases that my family seems to be overrun with. I had already developed Hashimotos Diease which is a thyroid disease and I had nightmares about Lupus, rheynods and RA taking over my life. I had all this fear and felt totally out of control and had no idea that I could take control.

Along with all of this and the stress of having a special needs son whose condition could go from fine to devastating in the blink of an eye, I felt physically bad most of the time. My body ached, I had constant migraines and I was developing horrible stomach issues. I felt as if my body was falling apart and all this made me want to do was EAT more!

Then....a friend started talking to me about this eating plan she had heard about and was trying. She knew me well and knew that I was a stubborn creature, so she gradually introduced the fact that she was trying it and how it was going for her....into our conversations. Ever so often I would hear words like "Good Girl Moonshine", "Sipper" and "Bread in a Mug" come into play as we were talking. Then one time she came to visit and her travel bag was loaded with apple cider vinegar, flavoring extracts and stevia. I would have thought her crazy except for the fact that this woman, whom I had never thought was overweight, suddenly looked amazing and about 20 years younger. That is when she sat me down and talked about THM. I listened, but my negativity got in the way and I heard, "THM, blah blah blah, apple cider vinegar, blah blah blah, lifestyle change, blah blah blah.....lost 60 pounds." Now honestly, while the rest did not resonate much with me, the lost 60 pounds, kinda did.

Still I did nothing, until one day I looked in the mirror and literally hated what I saw. It was a reflection of how I felt on the inside and my insides felt like crap. So that very day, I downloaded the THM ebook online. I began to read it. By that evening, I had a headache as I ate a piece of cheesecake and tried to decipher what Serene and Pearl (the original THM's and the writers of the book), were trying to tell me.

It was as if everything I had ever been taught about food and eating were being crumpled up and thrown in the trash. They were telling me that butter was good for me. Fats were good for me and not all fruits and veggies were good for your body. They said that eggs were good and meats were good and that "diet" foods and chemically altered "low fat" foods were.....dare I say.....evil....or at the very least, working against weight loss and my body. I was trying to unlearn everything I had learned over the course of a lifetime about food and it was confusing and frustrating. My mind immediately said, "NO! This is too hard." So I bought a bag of gummy bears and drowned my sorrows in a 2 liter of Diet Mt. Dew.

Finally, I called my friend and told her that I simply didn't understand the plan and I was throwing in the towel. She suggested instead of giving up, just to slowly start working some THM into my diet here and there. She told me to start with GGMS (Good Girl Moonshine) as she knew I drank entirely too much diet soda. She also suggested that I just try a THM recipe here and there and see if I liked it. So begrudgingly....I tried.

I began by finding a GGMS recipe on Pinterest that had many of the healthy components of Diet Mt. Dew. I played with the flavorings and tweaked them until I found something very comparable. It took me very little time and I was able to give up soda and drink only GGMS. I didn't see much weight loss with only this change though, but I did see some other things that I found quite interesting. I had been suffering with leg and feet pain. It was especially bad if I had to get up during the night and first thing in the morning. Suddenly, I realized that was gone. I also noticed that my migraines had been reduced significantly. I went from about 20/per month to about 5-8 and most of those seemed to be weather or atmospherically related. Finally, I noticed that I was just generally feeling better. Hmmmm......

Being me though, I fell off the GGMS wagon and began drinking the Dew again. Within a week, the feet/leg pain and the migraines were back. I started feeling like crap again and started self medicating with food again. It took me awhile to admit that it was my diet Dew, but eventually, the headaches and leg pain simply weren't worth drinking diet soda or any soda for that matter.

Once I was back on the GGMS, I decided to start trying some of the THM recipes as my friend suggested. While I did need to buy some ingredients that I didn't normally have around the house, I was also able to STOP buying some of the stuff I normally bought. I went out and purchased almond flour, coconut flour and ground flaxseed, coconut oil, butter, radishes, strawberries, blueberries and sprouted bread. I quit buying AP flour, milk, sugar and anything low fat, fat free or diet. The grocery bill was actually less because I wasn't wasting money on soda, candy, processed foods such as chips, cookies and boxed meals. I was shopping the perimeters of the store and 90% of the groceries I bought were fresh meats, veggies and fruits. The THM recipes that I was making were both healthy and family pleasing, which meant I didn't have to fix something for them and THEN fix my food.

As time went on, I was about a 50/50 THMer, meaning I was eating about 50% healthy and still 50% not so much. Then some things happened all at once that turned my world around and truly changed my way of thinking and my entire families way of eating. The first thing was that I changed doctors and had to have a full medical workup. While I really hadn't lost a lot of weight because I wasn't eating THM fully, my doctor was amazed at my blood work and over all general health as compared to the notes he had gotten from my previous doctor from a year ago. My blood pressure had gone from 140/95 to 117/60. My cholesterol had been high and now it was very good my thyroid was being well controlled. He asked me what I had done to make these changes and I told him about THM. He had never heard of it, but he said it was obvious that what I was doing was working, so to keep it up. That right there made me realize that it was time to get off the 50/50 fence and start working towards weight loss and a permanent lifestyle change.

Following that, I learned that my youngest son was getting alarmingly underweight. This often happens to kids with cerebral palsy and when it does, this affects how their already low tone muscles work. I made up my mind then and there that he would become a full fledged THMer. I started giving him S (satisfying smoothies first thing in the morning full of coconut oil, protein powder, avocado, banana and almond milk) and I started making sure that he ate every 3 hours.....just like me. From February to May he went from 74 pounds to 87 pounds and he is much more able to use his muscles, ride his bike and use his walker. Now granted, for him to gain weight, he eats double the good fats and I am not stingy on anything "healthy" he wants to eat.

Finally, in that same time period, we found out that my older son had celiac disease. He was gluten intolerant and it was making his life absolutely miserable and almost unlivable. Being as miserable as he was, he was willing to do anything to feel better, including to start eating the THM way. Within a month of faithfully adhering to THM recipes and eating every 3 hours, his symptoms had completely subsided. He had lost about 8 lbs and all the inflammation in his abdomen. He had regained his life.

THM is not a miracle, fast cure for all that ails you. What THM is.....is a lifestyle change that cuts out the chemicals, additives and things that your body can't process and actually can cause harm to your body. It puts into your body healthy oils, fruits and veggies that help your body to burn fat and lose inflammation. It kills sugar cravings and gives healthy alternatives to foods and recipes that you already love. In fact, done correctly, you will never feel hungry, your blood sugar spikes will be at a minimum, your fat burning ability will be at its maximum, you will find joint pain and inflammation to be almost non-existent, your energy level will be at an all time high and your hair, skin and nails will look amazing. In fact, you will find yourself transforming not only your looks but your health and you will be fighting heart disease, cancer, diabetes and all forms of auto-immune diseases. So yes Virgina......you can once again take control of your life and your health.

May 15th, I started the THM Spring Fling 42 day challenge in the THM Challenge Group on Facebook. I am 100% all in and even in this short week, I can tell a huge difference in how I feel. I am still learning and still reminding myself that how I used to think of food didn't make it correct and just because it was a habit didn't make it right. I am learning that mashed cauliflower is even better than mashed potatoes, that radishes are an excellent replacement for little red potatoes in a roast and that this peanut butter and jelly junkie can still have her peanut butter and jelly, just made healthy. All the recipes are delicious and as I said in another blog, there are those ladies, God bless their souls, who spend their days making just about any recipe into a THM recipe....and sharing it in blogs and on Pinterest. Thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart.

As you do THM, it gets easier and soon, like me, you will realize that it is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your family. So, don't be like stubborn me, get the book, get on Pinterest and get on Facebook and learn. Ask questions, try recipes and soon words like "on plan","E, S and FP" and "Singing Canary" will be a part of your vocabulary too. Best of all, you will see yourself becoming the best version of "you" that you can be.

I hope this helps some of you who either didn't know about THM or who were riding the fence about it....to get out there and try it. Again....remember, it is not a fast fix, it is a lifestyle fix. You didn't gain the weight overnight and you won't lose it overnight, but with THM.....you might never see those pounds again!