Two Weeks In

So you have decided to change your life. You want to eat better, sleep better and just all the way around be healthier. Yeah....me too! Right now though, I am not just in the "I want stage" but I am in the actively proceeding forward, "I am doing it" stage.

A little over two weeks ago, I decided that I was going to give Trim Healthy Mama another go and I was going to see what I could achieve to better my health, my joy and my life. I knew THM would work....if I worked it. After all THM didn't quit on me.....I quit on it and more importantly, I had quit on myself. So here we are.

This time around, since I am not as much of a novice where THM is concerned, instead of focusing on how actually to work the program, I am focusing on how I feel and how to best tweak the program to work for me personally. Yes, that is the beauty of THM, there is leeway there to let you make the program work for you. Of course, you have to be mindful of your body and your health and pay attention to how eating, drinking and moving differently affects you personally. Then it is as simple as keeping what works for you and putting what currently doesn't on the back burner. I say put it on the back burner, because what I have learned about THM is, that just because something doesn't work for you in the here and now, doesn't mean that later on it won't be just what you need.

As I stated above, this time around, I am much more familiar with the program and how it works, so I am able to be a little more experimental. One thing that I notice, that I think I touched on in another blog post was that, as you become more entrenched in the program, your taste buds change. At least mine did. I remember when I first started out, things like apple cider vinegar in my drinks, mashed cauliflower, and the different breads made without white or wheat flour tasted off and admittedly, not appetizing at all. The fact that sugar was a no no, forced me to take out stock in Truvia as it was the only sweetener I could stand and I had to have a ton of it in everything. Things like Gentle Sweet and Super Sweet were not in the least appealing to me. Now though, here I stand today to tell you that I live on Good Girl Moonshine with yes....apple cider vinegar, I eat cauliflower in all forms and put it into just about everything and although I am still not a fan of some of the breads, I can eat them and I have grown a real affinity for sprouted bread. As for my sugar addiction....once again it is under control and I have grown a true appreciation for Gentle Sweet and Super Sweet as I have learned to use them in my cooking. I also no longer feel the need to add as much Stevia either and have lowered my intake dramatically.

This time around, I am also taking advantage of my THM cookbooks and trying different recipes such as Reuben in a Bowl as well as going back to some of my families favorites like Egg Roll in a Bowl. I am also learning  as I have stated before, that by doing a little planning ahead, making a weekly menu and a reciprocating grocery list, that I am cutting way down on our food bill as well as waste. Also, most of these recipes make enough that there is plenty left over for lunches or to freeze for future meals. It cuts down on the impulses to go grab fast food because you are tired and by using your crock pot and/or Instantpot, you save a great deal of time in the kitchen.

So since starting back on THM on January 13th, as of today I have lost 4.8 pounds. Of course the first week is when I lost a big part of that, as not only was I eating better, but I also started drinking more water, which always flushes the system and sets your body up for success. Also, without getting too graphic or throwing out TMI, when we don't eat and drink well, our bodies don't process well. Our systems don't function efficiently from sleep to flushing waste from our bodies. Too much sugar, fat and carbs together and not enough vegetables and healthy fats can cause our systems and our metabolism to slow down to nothing. We can feel like slugs moving through our day. Once back on THM though, I could feel everything starting to work properly again and I was functioning better, enjoying my food more, sleeping better and just all around feeling better. So while the weight loss is nice, the NSV's that are associated with all of this are sometimes even better.

NSV's you ask? NSV's are non-scale victories. While the numbers on the scale might be my goal, the NSV's are what will actually keep me motivated between weigh-in's and help me to stay focused on what is important in all of this.....me and my health. From time to time you may notice me putting far more emphasis on the NSV's in my life than on the numbers and that is the way I feel it should be. In fact, in my opinion, the NSV's have far more value to me than the numbers ever will.

In the little more than two weeks I have been doing this, my blood pressure numbers are also getting better, but I am still not where I want them to be and I refuse to rely solely on medication to get me there. After all....my end game is to be off blood pressure medication altogether (another important NSV for me). As I have been focused on getting back into the swing of eating these last weeks, starting this week, I plan on adding some movement and dare I say exercise into the mix. I had already started doing some very light yoga in the morning and in the evening and it does help how I function throughout the day and sleep at night, but this week there will be walking. We shall see how that goes in the days to come.

The one thing that I have learned through my past on THM and through my life in the last year is that......any goal is achievable if I want it badly enough and am willing to work for it. I have also learned the valuable lesson that I can do nothing without help from my Higher Power, meaning that when I am weak of will, He will pull me through....all I have to do is ask. I am also fully aware that in order to change things, I must be willing to put in the work and love myself enough to want the best for me. I can't do anything for someone else. I MUST do it for me. And finally, I can't eat an elephant in one bite, but I can eat him one bite at a time. In other words, I will not lose 100 lbs, be healthy and feel great in a week. However, if I take it one step at a time, one meal at a time and one NSV at a time, I will not only reach my goals, but quite possibly exceed them.

So there you have it. I am two weeks in and still going strong. Yay me and yay THM!

Until next time.........

Some of the Things I Like About THM

My apologies to any Trim Healthy Mama pages that I might have offended or broken their rules with my last blog about the challenge I was doing. It was not my intention and I promise to be more careful going forward.

Getting back on the old THM horse has been really good for me. Even though it has only been a few days, I can tell I am feeling better and I haven't had a flair up of acid reflux at all. That in itself is a blessing.

And before we go any further, let me just say how much I LOVE the THM mantra....Keep it simple, keep it sane. How great is that? This has been my emerging plan for my life for awhile, but then to find it in my eating program too....how could I possibly align myself with any other eating plan?

Now moving on....since it is a new year and many are just beginning THM for the first time, I thought I would share a few things that I personally have learned about THM. Many beginners start out very curious about Good Girl Moonshine and it seems when people try it for the first time there are often mixed reviews. Something I have learned about eating (and drinking) the THM way is that our taste buds seem to change while on plan(for the better) and more importantly, everything can be adjusted to our own individual taste. I was always a Diet Mt. Dew girl. I drank tons of it. The first GGMS I ever tried was one I saw on Pinterest which I believe was called something like "Just Like Mt. Dew". This drink totally saved me when coming off of my long and faithful addiction to the Dew. I know that many are thrown by the apple cider vinegar, but trust me, after a while, you won't be able to drink a GGMS without it...and even better, soda's and diet soda's simply won't taste right to you anymore. At least that is how it has worked out for me.

Another tried and true THM drink, The Singing Canary, is something I can't live without. It also is an acquired taste but in the summertime there is something so thirst quenching about it and in the winter, it helps to keep my immune system boosted and keep me healthy. It has become a drink that I drink at least three times per week year round and the health benefits are worth every sip.

Tumeric (yes the spice) has become one of my daily go to's. I had actually started adding tumeric back into my diet several weeks ago, as I was having a lot of pain in my back and shoulders. I had done a lot of reading and found that it can really help with muscle and joint inflammation and pain. My Singing Canary calls for tumeric, but I have also started adding it to different dishes I make and then before bed, I have a cup of tumeric tea. I have noticed that my back and especially my shoulders are much better.

The one draw back I find to living the THM life is that I spend a great deal of time in the kitchen both cooking and cleaning up. I do a lot of dishes every day and find myself very grateful for my dishwasher. On the upside of things, spending all that time cooking, I know how every dish I make is prepared and I know the exact ingredients of everything. It is much healthier for all of us and there is no worry that unhealthy or allergy causing agents will be in our food.

One absolute huge positive of doing the THM program is that my grocery bill has actually gone down. When I knew that I was going to be back on THM, I went to the THM website and purchased a large size protein powder, gentle sweet, super sweet and baking blend. Those I knew would be staples I needed to always have on hand. Now, I just make a weekly menu with recipes from the THM books and from Pinterest and then I buy only the things I need for that week. Gone are the shopping carts full of junk food, processed foods, frozen meals and soda. I make a list, stick to it and I shop at Aldi and Walmart. My grocery bill now stays much lower and we have little to no waste because I am not buying large quantities. It has been working out really well.

The advantages and benefits of doing THM,  far outweigh having to do a little more cooking or a few extra dishes. In fact, I personally find that it makes me much more aware of what I am putting into my body and how those foods are affecting it. Eating right and avoiding all the sugar has helped me to cut down on my migraines and I don't feel the bloat and discomfort that is often felt with overeating or by just simply eating the wrong foods. I walk away from the table feeling full and although snacks are encouraged because we eat every three hours, I often find snacks difficult, as I am not hungry enough for a snack when that time rolls around.

If you are new to THM and just starting to get your feet wet, I highly suggest that even if you can't be on plan 100% of the time, that you try to stay on at least 50% and gradually allow the unhealthy foods like sugars to slowly fall out of your daily intake. I know that if you stick with it, you will be glad you did.

Well, I am off to have a breakfast of THM pancakes and my Singing Canary. Hope you all have a fabulous day.

Until next time............

Let The Challenge Begin

So today begins a new challenge. A Trim Healthy Mama challenge that is. I am truly excited and ready to go. The first time I lost a substantial amount of weight and realized that this 50 something mom and grandma could actually lose weight, was through a THM challenge. Of course when life got tough, I quit putting the work in and I quit feeling that I deserved the benefits of a healthy life and before I knew it, I was once again hitting the bottle (the diet mt. dew bottle that is), carbs and fats were freely mixing and I was stress eating over everything from what was happening on the Young and the Restless, to what was going on in real life.

Now, here I am again with the keys to the kingdom of health and this time....I hope to prove to myself once again, that I can do this and that I am worth it. This time, I have a little more understanding about myself and I am a lot more motivated than I have been in the past. My health has become a huge motivator ever since my blood pressure started to rise and I had to be put on medication for it. I promised myself that it was going to be a short term fix, as I vowed to myself to lose the weight so I could lose the medication.

I also have been dealing for years with GERD or acid reflux disease. Again, I am on medication for this ailment and if I don't take it religiously, I suffer horribly. Even sometimes taking it faithfully doesn't help if I eat too late or eat the wrong foods. I will find myself awakened from a sound sleep about 2 a.m., gagging and choking with my throat and esophagus feeling as if they are literally on fire. My doctor told me that if I lose the weight I could  cut these issues down to almost nothing. I am also anxious to cut down on the medication for this disease too, as it is being proclaimed to cause dementia. Not something I want to have to deal with down the road.

So this particular challenge will run from today through January 31st. It is a short challenge in that it is only 19 days long, but there is a certain beauty in that. Most anyone can do anything for 19 days and it is a great way to dip my toes back into the full on THM program and remind myself just how good I feel on this plan.

This challenge is run by Chrissy Benoit through The (THM) Challenge Group page. In this particular challenge, we have to eat 100% on plan with few or no crossovers. We must exercise at least 15 minutes/day at least four days per week and we must eat at the table without the distraction of computer, phone or tv. OH....and there is one more thing which I think is so cool and I have never done before. We have to make a vision board. 

I have always loved the idea of a vision board, but I have just never done one. So....I decided if I was going to be all in on this challenge....that I was going to be....all in. I made my vision board yesterday It is the picture that is at the top of this blog post. I had no idea how to make a vision board, so I decided to go to my favorite internet spot (YouTube) and I found a video that showed me exactly how to do it. Not only did I make it, but I also went to Walgreens and printed it off and found a frame for it. It will be the first thing I see each day and hopefully the motivation I need to help me see my way through this challenge.

Going into this, I have no big numbers in mind and no outlandish goals. I have the guidelines set for the challenge and my only hope is to take it one day at a time and stick as closely to the rules as possible. Then we will see where I am and how I feel on the 31st.

If you too want to get back on the wagon and start not only looking better but feeling better, head on over to The Challenge Group and get on board. It's not too late and just think, 19 days from now you are going to be so glad you did.

Until next time........

This Fat Girl Can't Do Yoga

This fat girl can't do yoga! Now before everyone gets upset and starts saying that I am "fat" shaming myself, let me stop you right there. First of all I am not. I am stating facts. I am the f-word. If you want to be technical, according to my weight app, I am "Obese class II". Fat in my book sounds so much better. Fat can be worked on and changed. Obese is a medical term that sounds like a disease that I might never recover from. In my head, fat I can do something about, obese....maybe not. So no shaming here at all. I am not ashamed, simply determined.

I have had great success with Trim Healthy Mama in the past, but it is not a miracle cure that once I lose the weight it stays gone. Just like anything in this life, it takes work and effort. Even though I felt great and my doctor was over the moon at all of my numbers and my overall health when I was working the plan, when I gave up on me and started eating unhealthy, chemically enhanced junk again and quit making myself a priority, the weight and the health issues came back with a vengeance. So what's a girl to do? I can either be Obese class II girl (or worse) or I can do what I know will work and what will get me healthy again. I can make myself and my health a priority.

Back in November, I started having blood pressure problems. Granted, some of it was due to stress but a lot of it was due to the way I was eating and the fact that although my life was busy, exercise was not a part of my routine. I ended up on blood pressure medication, but in my head I told myself that this was not going to be my life. My doctor even told me if I lost the weight, the blood pressure would come down and when that happened, he would gladly take me off the medication. Cool. Along with the blood pressure issue though, other parts of my body were starting to suffer from age, inactivity and the wrong kind of activity. I was starting to have real trouble with my back, shoulders and neck. I knew this trouble was coming from the constant lifting of my 18 year old special needs son. He is now nearly as tall as I am and weighs about 90 lbs. The fact that I don't do any real exercise, but then I lift him and his wheelchair multiple times a day puts me in the high risk category for destroying my muscles and joints, not to mention breaking bones. Any or all of this could put me out of commission for some time to come and make me useless as my sons caregiver. Yes, it is time to do something.

My doctor has suggested strength training for me. Being the stubborn person I am though, I am just not ready to step into a gym yet. I also am a control freak and feel like I can do it ALL myself so I am not ready to give up the possibility of home workouts until I have tried them and given them a fair shot. Thus came the idea of yoga. I have heard so many people with chronic conditions such as fibromyalgia or people who simply can't do regular exercise sing the praises of yoga and I knew from everything I read that it would likely help my back and muscles that were desperately in need of stretching and moving in more ways than just dead lifting 90 pounds over and over again. I also figured that yoga would be a nice "gentle" way to start working back into exercise and movement and I even had a plan.

I spent several days on YouTube watching yoga videos and trying to find something that I thought would be easy and effective. I actually found a whole series that I thought would be great. So I got my yoga mat and one day I declared "The day"  and I began. The first video I started with was a 15 minute morning video. It basically stretches you, wakes you up and gets your day started. I LOVED it. It was perfect and it really and truly has helped me with my tight shoulder muscles and my over all feeling of well being. With that being such a success, there was also a nighttime video to do just before bed. WOW! This one was also about 15 minutes long and it was phenomenal for helping me to shut down the day and relax. I am actually sleeping better. Yay! I am now two for two. I had to know that this winning streak was about to end.....and how right I was.

Since the morning and night yoga videos were so amazing, this same lady has 30 days worth of videos called "30 Days of Yoga". If you read up on them, this is supposed to be for anyone (beginner and beyond) and each day teaches you a new set of poses until after 30 days, the thought is that you/me/I should be fairly proficient at yoga. Well, this woman had not let me down so far, so let the Downward Dog begin. Now let me just say, Day #1 was 26 minutes long and I nearly died. No....seriously.....I nearly died. One of the poses she thought my Obese class II (aka fat) body should fold into cut off my air supply and I almost passed out. The only thing that saved me was the thought of my family coming home to find me dead in this less than attractive pose. Getting out of this pose with my body intact was no small feat...but I finally managed it. Then I had to plank. Planking looks far easier when someone who is long and thin does it than when someone is 5'1" and fat does it. I planked for 1/2 a seconded and then hit the mat sweaty and vowing to never eat sugar again. The sad thing was, I was only 4 minutes into the video. I spent the next 22 minutes calling this skinny yoga girl names and feeling sorry for myself because I was fat, sweaty and unable to bend without passing out or hold my own weight up with my toes. How had I come to this? 

Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT bashing yoga. Well, I actually was that day, but in general I am not. I have seen amazing things in myself with the truly beginner stuff in the morning and nighttime videos and I know that in time I will be able to get through more than 5 minutes of these videos and in fact master them, but not yet....and I am okay with that. It is simply a consequence of what I "chose" to do to myself with years of not taking care of myself.

I continue to do my two daily videos and I have gotten back on THM. The eating right alone makes me feel 100% better, but with the life I lead, I also need the exercise and some form of muscle toning/strength training. That being said, like everything else in life, I have to take it one step at a time. Starting on January 13th, Chrissy Benoit who runs the THM Challenge Group page, is starting a new challenge for the new year. I am all over this. I do fairly well with challenges and I hope to succeed yet again with this one. I am also joining my local gym during these winter months so that I can start a regular walking routine that isn't weather constricted (see....I am also working on my control issues too). I have weights at home and bosu ball that I plan to use to start working on my core and  muscle tone and yes I will continue to keep up with my morning and evening yoga and hopefully gradually start my 30 day yoga "challenge" again. I figure at the rate I am going, I should make it through those 30 days in about a year.

The lesson here is that we have to be realistic about who we are and where we are with our health. Saying I am "fat" doesn't mean I am ashamed or devastated by it. What it does mean is that I have an issue that could turn into a "real" life long problem for me if not taken care of and only I can love me enough to fix it. By staying realistic, I am not nearly so apt to deny my situation or let my health fall through the cracks. Reality can be really ugly if we refuse to acknowledge it, but the moment we choose to acknowledge it, is the moment we can take control and choose how to proceed. That's what I am doing.

So the reality is....this fat girl can't do yoga...today. In the tomorrows to come though, I plan to make yoga my b*tch!

Until next time........

The Year of You

So you are sitting on the couch in yoga pants and a t-shirt, wearing house slippers, hair uncombed, teeth unbrushed, no make-up (of course) eating chips and feeling like last years Prada bag (out dated, unwanted and embarrassed to be seen with). Be honest, we have all been there. Some of us are even there now.  Statistically we all usually end up here at least once during the first week of the year. Why? Because January 1st we were gun-ho on a new year, new hope and new body. By day four we realize that this would all be great if we weren't stuck with the same old problems, same old life and same old attitude. Day five we are planted firmly on the couch looking like someone out of the People of Walmart showcase. Sigh....... So how do we stop the insanity of this hamster wheel that seems to rule our life? By simply getting off and refocusing. We got here because we don't think we are worth the time and effort it takes to actually get dressed, comb our hair, brush our teeth and for goodness sake.....throw on a little eye-liner.

Woman to woman, wife to wife and mother to mother we all know that if our husband needed us to help him change his life or if our kids, parents, brothers, sisters or next door neighbors poodle, needed anything, we would be there giving it our all. Haven't we proven this a million times over by getting up with the kids at night so our husbands could sleep or doing over time on a kids project that they were supposed to do a week ago but decided to tell us about the day before? How about the times we have run errands for or taken care of other family members or friends even though we had our own errands, situations, jobs and lives to look after? They became our priority and we kept falling further and further down the ladder. So why can we give 100% for everyone else in the free world but when it comes to ourselves, yoga pants, bad breath and potato chips are the best we can do?

Part of our problem derives from the fact that we live in a "martyr" society where someone sent out a memo that women were always supposed to put literally EVERYONE ahead of themselves. We are nurturers and care givers clear down to our DNA. We are mom's, daughters and wives. All of the people we call family and friends are supposed to come first and we take the leftovers. Sadly, by the time we get to the leftovers, we have nothing left over to give ourselves. And the world just keeps on turning......

Now that we know we are in a rut and kind of sort of why.....how do we change it? We change it by putting ourselves....our own wants, needs and even desires ahead of everyone else for once. Yes, I heard you shutter and murmur..."Well that's just selfish. I can't do that." Some of you may have even been so outraged by what I said that you pulled yourself up off your cross, just long enough to stop reading. For those of you who didn't though.....what I am trying to say is this:  Of course as moms and wives we can't just run off to the Bahama's for a month and enjoy being served fruity drinks with umbrellas by a hunky guy named Benicio. However, we can test the waters of our new found worthiness and give ourselves a week where we "choose" to put ourselves first. So how do we do that you ask?????

Last I heard, marriage and children were a partnership. You are not an evil ogre if you ask your husband to get up with the kids a time or two at night. He after all, did sign the same "for better or worse" document that you did. You are also not the world's worst parent if you tell your child that they need to be more responsible and because they didn't do the project when assigned, they are responsible for the consequences of their grade....not you. I have heard tell that some may look on that last one even, as good parenting (those waters are still a little muddy for me though.) As for the rest of the family, friends and neighbors, you can't always be all things to all people. It is okay to tell your mom that you have your own things to do today but on another day when you are out and about you would love to pick her up an Enquirer and a pack of Camel's or tell your sister that in fact you cannot look after her hyperactive two year old while she goes out for drinks with the girls.  As ridiculous as this all may sound, the fact is, it is very hard for us as women to detach from all the things we think we are supposed to do for other people and bring the focus back to us.

So here's the deal. I challenge you all for one week to give yourself the gift of time for you. Take the time to actually get dressed and groom yourself. (Little fun fact: baby wipes do not equal a shower...ever!). Also, take the time to eat a meal and while you are at the whole meal eating thing, love yourself enough to make it a healthy and energy providing meal. Trim Healthy Mama has many, many healthy snacks and meals that you can prepare almost as quickly as you can an unhealthy and chemically enhanced frozen burrito. Us Drive thru Sues live for these meals. Finally, now that you are taking care of you a bit, do something that gives you a sense of joy and peace just for you. It can be a quick nap while the kids are at school, a nice walk outdoors, reading a book or treating yourself to a pedicure or a massage. Just do something for you that you wouldn't normally do because you are busy doing for everyone else.

What we don't realize is that when we treat and take care of ourselves, we also rejuvenate ourselves. We put a little bounce back into our own step and start feeling like more than just everyone else's go to person. This promotes not only physical well-being, but it also helps us mentally and spiritually. It starts to make us feel whole again and a whole person not only freely gives of themselves but they also freely and joyfully give to themselves.

Well, there you have it. Now get up off that couch, put those chips away and forget about the new years resolutions you have already blown. This year, can still be your year, by taking one step at a time (a shower would be a good first step) and one day at a time. You are worth it and trust me...the real you is there and 2019 is her/your year to shine.

Until next time......

2018

And we're back! Happy New Year everyone. I hope this finds you all healthy, happy and feeling no adverse effects from last night.

It has been awhile. Why? Because I have been on the journey of a lifetime and I never left my living room. I must say that 2018 was the most difficult, miraculous, painful and educational year I have ever lived through. It brought me huge sadness, joy and wisdom just to cover the basics. I learned about my world, the people in it and most of all....myself. Funny thing though, at the end of the day when the dust had cleared from it all, my journey brought me right smack dab back in the middle of.....Trim Healthy Mama. Hmmmm....you say. Curious?

Tell you all what. Go grab yourself a nice steaming cup of Bullet Proof Coffee (mine is butter toffee), wrap your blanket close around you and sit back and you and I will share the next few minutes as I tell you about my 2018 and my journey back to THM and myself. Go ahead. I'll wait!

Now that we are all comfy...... My 2018 was a roller coaster ride. There was sickness, total despair when I thought I might lose my home and great joy when my community, friends, neighbors and complete strangers rallied around my son and I and helped us to save it. I had no more than caught my breath from that when my youngest son who is special needs had to have a major spinal surgery which was touted to be his worst one so far. How can it get worse when he almost died from one of the others? This surgery however was necessary and ultimately life saving as well as quality of life saving. Blessedly, the surgery was in no way as bad as predicted and his recovery was one of the many miracles that happened in my life during the year.

In May I was given a bit of a roller coaster reprieve until July. Yep, July was when my world went into overdrive and I wasn't sure I was going to make it to see 2019. On July 2nd, (which little fun fact.... is not a great day for me to begin with as it is the anniversary of my husbands death), my older son came to me and told me that he was a meth addict. Yes, he was a full fledged, shooting up 5-7 times a day, addict. It was the beginning of a nightmare few weeks where I started to recognize things I had denied and started seeing who he, myself and a few others really were.

Those first weeks nearly killed me, literally, as I lived off diet soda, stress and no sleep. I rallied to help my addicted son, sure that I could cure him, fix him and save him. I was in 24/7 Superwoman mode constantly on the phone trying to find a place to take him, a place for him to stay and counseling. As quick as I had something in place and had him set up, he would walk back out. He preferred the streets and meth over rehab, counseling and sober living. I was devastated and still in "savior/victim" mode.....until I wasn't. Suddenly one day when all that was left of me was fumes and I nearly passed out in church, I realized that I was powerless over my sons choices, meth and addiction in general. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew what I was currently doing wasn't working and the path I was on was taking me on the fast track to ruining my health and possibly even killing me. I had a special needs son to think about and at this point in time, I needed to focus on him. That day I dropped my addicted son off at a gas station of his choosing, I drove home and went to bed. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. When I woke up though, my thinking was clearer and I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I have never looked back.

Since that day, I have learned so much about myself and my own part in his addiction and I have learned about him. I have also learned a lot about life, my faith and who I am now vs who I was last July. My son is still an addict but in December, he decided to make some changes to his life and to begin recovery. As his mother I am happy but also leaving any expectations of the future out of it. I just pray each day he finds the strength and faith to keep taking it one day at a time on his road to recovery and I welcome any prayers you might give him, too.

So you can imagine, that it felt like I crammed several years worth of drama and an entire tele novella into one small year. When I started Al-Anon though, I was very surprised that much of what I was learning there was familiar to me. Then one day it hit me. Much of what THM teaches us walks hand in hand with Al-Anon. In both, you learn to put the focus on you while remembering that nothing we do is alone. God is always there. As someone who has always had faith, not until recently did I realize that there is a huge difference between claiming faith and actually walking the walk and talking the talk. Both Al-Anon and THM also teach us to forgive ourselves for our human weaknesses. The moment that was brought up in Al-Anon, I was immediately reminded of my first days reading about THM where they tell us that if we eat outside of plan, not to panic or condemn ourselves but to forgive our humanness and jump right back on plan in 3 hours. Finally THM also teaches us that although there is a plan set out before us, different things work for different people in the weight loss journey. Some people can eat crossovers and lose, some more S meals and some more E meals. It is up to each of us as individuals to find out what works for us on our weight loss journey. This same theme is shared throughout Al-Anon. The same thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone and it is up to each of us to find what does.

I also learned that my son is not the only addict in our family. I too am an addict and food is my drug of choice. As I learned about addiction and why people choose to continue a life of addiction even knowing the danger they cause to their health and their very lives, I realized that my drug of choice though legal, could have just as deadly of results in the end. Truthfully, I eat as a coping mechanism. I eat when I am depressed. I eat when I am stressed. I eat to hide from the world because in my "sick" way of thinking.....food is my only friend, enjoyment and escape.....and yet it is slowly destroying my health, my quality of life and if not addressed and dealt with, could eventually take away my life. Yep....it sounds like addiction to me.

I am learning to deal with facing things....even the hard stuff....instead of letting it fester and become a reason to binge. I am learning to focus on what I can handle and handling it and then turning the rest over to God. I am mostly though, realizing that my focus needs to remain on me and to understand that I am a good person who deserves a good life. Sometimes keeping the focus is difficult, but when it is, I simply focus on the moment and getting through that. Anyone can get through 60 seconds. 

So with all that I am learning, I have discovered that even through all of the negative of 2018, it brought me far more positive. In this last year I have found a new sense of who I am. I have learned that I am not in control of anyone or anything but myself! I also learned that maybe it was not others that needed to change as much as it was my own outlook that needed a change. That I can fix.

I see the world through much different eyes now and I see me much differently too. For the first time in maybe forever, I understand that I am worth the effort of a walk, a yoga workout and the wisdom of THM. I am worth the time in the kitchen and the time spent learning new recipes and loving myself.

So with this new year on us, you would think that with all my new found awareness that I have oodles and gobs of resolutions to start the year. You would be wrong. Resolutions are expectations and expectations whether it be weight loss, working out or even expectations of others, seldom work out. When they fall through, then we feel as if its a failure. There is no room for failure in my life. Instead, this year I am making decisions and my decisions go no further than the moment. Remember...we can do anything for 60 seconds and with each moment, I will give myself the love, acceptance and focus that I deserve.

Yes, it has been a year. A good year. Maybe even a great year and I am grateful for every moment because through it all, I found self-acceptance, grace and most of all....I found me!!! 

I wish each and every one of you an amazing new year and I hope that 2019 is filled with 525,600 amazing moments for all of you.

Till next time........